Disclaimer: Once upon a time, there were three little nuts. One lived by an oak tree, one lived by a pond, and one lived in a penthouse overlooking Times Square. His name was Mr. Crunchy. (Action figures now available at fine retailers everywhere.)
Chapter Ten: Canadian Rutebegas
"Harvey, I am your father." Dobby was wearing a hat made from the bush's lampshade and holding a wooden ladle. His latest fashion accessory, however, was a choker made of Harry's hands.
"YOU...ARE...NOT...MY...FATHER!" Harry was actually snarling-among other things.
"Maybe not, but Harvey Pickle promised not to attend Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which he is clearly doing!" Dobby snapped his fingers and reappeared at the end of Harry's bed. "The jawbreakers should have sent Harvey Pickle home..."
"No, HARRY POTTER promised not to attend HOBFORT'S SCHOOL OF HITCH-RAFT AND LIZARDRY!" The brunette growled as he lunged for the house elf. "Furthermore, you stole my lamp!"
"Harvey Pickle's argument is irreverent," Dobby said smugly, dancing out of the way.
"You mean irrelevant, and stupefy." Draco twirled his wand like an American gunfighter and blew on the tip of it. "You do realize the little bugger admitted to setting jawbreakers on you?"
"Yes, I realize that. Nice timing, by the way." Harry was rummaging around in his trunk for something. Finally, he triumphantly brought forth...a pair of Teletubby socks.
Draco took one look at them and was scarred for life. "What are those light-forsaken creatures?"
"The source of all evil."
"I thought as much."
"They were one of Dudley's old Christmas presents. I was saving them to use on Blaise, but I think this is a better cause." Harry enlarged the socks and stuffed Dobby into one. He filled the other one with dung bombs set to go off in three days, and stuffed it in with the house elf. Then he had Hermes take the whole thing to a Columbian drug lord.
"Hey Harry?"
"Yeah?"
"You forgot to get your lamp back."
>
Snape discovered the second petrified person the day before Christmas break, which was rather unfortunate for Mr. Finch-Fletchley. It turned out Justin had frozen in the perfect position to be dressed up as the lead for Swan Lake. He was promptly placed on display in the middle of the Great Hall, with Percy-in green plaid tights-serving as the prince.
"Not that I don't like the display, Sev, but is the Swan Princess supposed to be wearing a cheese wedge hat?" Remus asked curiously.
Sirius blinked slowly. "I'm beginning to see a pattern here..."
"Which is?" Snape asked silkily.
"All the victim's are...GEEKS! Obviously the perpetrator only attacks the socially impaired!"
Two hands slapped Padfoot on the back of the head. "Remmy!"
"Only you would think of something like that, Siri," Remus sighed.
"I have a better idea," Severus added. "Perhaps all the victim's were found wearing cheese wedges?"
"Socially impaired cheese wedges?" Sirius was absurdly hopeful. He put on his best puppy expression.
"Will it shut you up?"
"Temporarily."
"Then yes, fine! They were all wearing socially impaired hats!" Sirius gave a triumphant yowl and hugged Severus.
Remus received a postcard a week later from Canada.
Remmy,
I found the cutest moose! I'm making arrangements to have him shipped to you for Christmas! We can attach him to Lockhart and go sledding, or just let them loose in the dark forest... I named him Goosey!
Love,
Padfoot
P.S. Did you know Canadian Bacon is made from cows?
Due to Sirius's...sudden departure, Remus thought it would be safer to spend Christmas at Hogwarts. Though how he came to this conclusion was a mystery. Harry suspected it was because he didn't trust Padfoot's sense of direction. Harry wasn't exactly confident in it either. But Sirius finally straggled in on Christmas Eve leading a gazelle.
"Isn't he adorable?" Sirius patted Goosey gently on the neck. "He's a little small compared to the other Meese, but I think he'll do!"
Harry ignored the obvious problem and focused on the more obsure one. "Meese?"
"If the plural of goose is geese, the the plural of moose is meese!"
"Sirius, never teach grammar."
"Okay Harry!"
"That's a gazelle." Remus pointed out.
Sirius clapped his hands over Goosey's ears. "Shhhh, you'll hurt his feelings!"
Harry circled Goosey curiously. "Where did you find a gazelle in Canada?"
Snape answered from the doorway. "He didn't. I sent him to the middle of the Congo. He may have mistaken the giant mosquitoes for migratory birds."
"So there's no long-billed buzzfeather?" Sirius looked crestfallen.
"No."
Sirius maintained his expression until Lockhart was secured to Goosey and set free. "Roam free, little Goosey! Brush up against as many thorns as possible!"
"Feel better?" the werewolf asked lightly.
"I need chocolate."
>
That night, Santa Claus paid a visit to a certain Minister of Magic. That Santa resembled a rubber mouse with a wand was unremarked on by the duck-like reindeer in attendance.
>
Minister of Magic Missing!
Special Correspondent Rita Skeeter Reports:
Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, vanished from his office late last night. Foul play is suspected, but aurors at the ministry refuse to disclose further details. It is known, however, that Ludo Bagman will be filling in for Minister Fudge until he is located. There was also mention of security footage showing mysterious small figures. It is speculated that the Lilliputians may have abducted the Minister in an effort to secure larger recognition in the wizarding community.
Minister Fudge was first introduced into England's political scene at the age of twenty-one...
>
Remus and Harry bounced into the living room early Christmas morning. Sirius lagged behind a few moments later with a large cup of coffee.
"Harry, why is there a giant rutebega under the Christmas tree?"
>
If anyone is wondering why this chapter is a bit shorter than usual, it's because I like to avoid cliffies when possible. Though, I suppose my end-of-chapter gag could be taken as a sort of cliffie... (frowns thoughtfully) Oh, well!
Lady FoxFire: I wish I had sanity... Then I could do that too! Then again, if I were sane I probably wouldn't be half as entertaining! -Gives out candied rutebegas-
crazy-lil-nae-nae: Yay! Worship! You must indoctrinate your neighbors into the cult of the giant rutebega! Holidays are Christmas, birthdays, and any other day you can weasel presents out of people you know! -Gives out candied rutebegas-
bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks! -Gives out candied rutebegas-
Night-Owl123: Awww...fiddlesticks! Though an argument could be made for it being less of a script and more of a prose convenience... Thanks! -Gives out candied rutebegas-
CelticCross83: You're welcome! -Gives out candied rutebegas-
athenakitty: Maybe when he gets back from the forest... :) -Gives out candied rutebegas-
Smiley Face3: Thank you! I'm glad your monitor is alright. Just remember, monitors only drink hard apple cider. -Gives out candied rutebegas-
highbrass: WOW! Fifteen minutes! -Hands you Oxygen mask- I highly recommend breathing while reading. I hear it helps! Thank you! You're right, sanity is very over-rated! -Gives out candied rutebegas-
Heather: Congrats! And thank you. As to year three, I plan on doing it as Prisoners of Azkaban, but I'm going to be mean and leave you wondering about who's in there. -Gives out candied rutebegas-
Kaaera: I'm just happy about the lack of more needling! Thanks, I'm glad to oblige the amusement monkeys! -Gives out candied rutebegas-
Drake Smythe: Thanks! Not a bad idea, but I think I'll do it to Dobby! Maybe with duct tape added in... -Gives out candied rutebegas and walks off muttering in thought-
DeathlyNightshade: Thanks! -Gives out candied rutebegas-
RainOwl : Me too! I don't know what I would do if I were normal... -Gives out candied rutebegas-
Isis's Rose: Thanks! -Gives out candied rutebegas-
Fluffy Sun: Thank you! You're probably right... -Gives out candied rutebegas-