Chapter: 8
Take a chance
By: A droplet of Jupiter
Rating: PG-13
Category: pj
Pacey drove down a road on the way to Capeside, they were almost there, and he was actually a little bit excited. It was snowing, snowing in January and as it fell, it sat on the ground. It wasn't the best weather to drive in but it was the best weather to play in. Jen sat in the back seat listening to her angry chick rock on her headphones and reading her magazine whilst Joey sat next to him glared out of the window mindlessly. It was the three of them back to Capeside, Jack couldn't come, he was busy with David. Jen was listening to angry chick rock after her recent break-up with CJ, she was in an I-hate-men-they-just-break-my-heart mood, but she was going to have fun this weekend like it or not. Pacey looked from the road and turned his attention to Joey for a second, then back to the road. "Are you alright?" Pacey asked her, placing his hand on her knee comfortingly.
"Huh?" Joey asked, she hadn't been paying attention. She shook her head and looked at him, placing her hand over his that rested on her knee. "I'm fine, why do you ask?" Joey questioned him. Pacey always could read her like a book but this was one problem she wasn't going to share.
"You're all zoned out Jo, something is obviously wrong," He told her, turning his hand on her knee and lacing her fingers with it. "You're so transparent Joey I can tell something is wrong, so out with it, tell uncle Pacey what's wrong," Pacey requested lifting her hand entwined with his and raising it to his lips, kissing it gently.
"No, it's fine I don't need to share with the class thank you Mr. Witter," Joey told him, taking her hand away from his. She did not deserve his touch; she did not deserve his soft, warm touch.
"Come on; tell the class we all want to know. Well actually, I want to know, it looks as though Jen couldn't care less. Jen is in a very hating men mode right now and I doubt she can even hear anything I say," Pacey told her. "Isn't that right Jen!" Pacey shouted loudly. He laughed at her lack of movement as she read her magazine and nodded her head to the loud music, so loud that it could clearly be heard in the front seat. "I'm interested though because anything that makes you look miserable when I'm planning a weekend of childish fun is not good. We're going to have fun and I'm afraid that if there are any issues standing in the way we need to talk about them. So confess Potter, what's with the scowl?" Pacey questioned her, still holding her hand and looking over to her at intervals.
"Y'know what why don't you mind your own business Pacey I do not have to reveal every little bit of my life to you. What? Am I not allowed secrets anymore? Have I got to tell you everything little thing that I do, every little worry?" Joey asked him with annoyance, taking her hand away from him abruptly. She did not deserve his touch and she could not answer his questions. If she answered him then he would be hurt and that was the very last thing he wanted to happen.
"Well sorry little Miss moody. What's up your ass this morning? I was only asking a question because I was worried. Because god forbid I could be worried about you and want to help you get it off your chest," Pacey told her shaking his head. She had been treating him awfully this morning and he couldn't figure out why; things seemed to be fine yesterday when she dropped her off at Eddie's. This was about Eddie. "Did something happen at Eddie's place to upset you?" Pacey asked her.
"Die Pacey, just die and get off my case," Joey told him angrily. He couldn't possibly know what had happened, it wasn't possible, she hadn't told anyone and she was sure Eddie wouldn't have told anyone. She watched Jen in the mirror as she listened to her music; it must have been loud because she didn't even bat an eyelid.
"Oh so it is about Eddie, do you want to talk about it?" Pacey asked her. It was obviously something serious to upset her like this and he intended to help her.
"No! What I do with Eddie has nothing to do with you!" She shouted at him, regretting it as soon as she said it.
"Are you and Eddie back together?" Pacey asked sadly. He didn't want her to be back with Eddie. Her reasoning for not being together was the worst that he had ever heard and her reasons made no sense, but he couldn't bear to see her with Eddie. Eddie, the man who didn't understand or deserve her.
"No Pacey, we're not," Joey told him turning away from him, sheltering her eyes from him.
"But something happened?" Pacey questioned her. Joey was getting worked up, she was not happy. He saw a tear gently roll down her cheek and pulled the car over to the side of the road. "Joey?" Pacey asked her, putting his hand on her shoulder.
"I slept with him okay! I slept with Eddie! I wish I hadn't! It was one huge mistake! Is that what you want to hear!" Joey shouted at him breaking down in more tears. She watched him; looking at him as his face dropped and he swallowed a hard lump in his throat.
"Oh, you… you…err…" Pacey was shocked, that was not what he was wanting to hear, he had nothing to say. "So you slept with him. Well that's fine that's… that's…" Pacey was still stumped he didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he had the right to say, technically he didn't have the right to be mad at her, they weren't together. "Fine. Now that's all settled we'll just be on our way," Pacey said slowly. He pulled the car away from the curb and continued to drive down the road in silence. He was hurt, there was no question about that, he was upset and he was devastated but there's nothing he could do or say to change anything. Joey watched him drive through the next five miles; tears fell from her eyes as she watched him, hurt and devastated. She watched him as he stared straight ahead at the road, his hard eyes concentrated on the road and nothing else. Pacey stopped at the house and got out the car in silence; he walked to the trunk and took out the bags, placing them on the ground.
"Thanks for the ride Pacey, I need this weekend," Jen said taking her bag and kissing his cheek softly, she noticed his sad look and glanced at him. "Are you okay? You look a little bit upset," Jen asked, he said nothing and just shook his head. "Well okay but if you want to talk about it…" Jen offered, picking up her heavy bag with her two hands again.
"I don't!" Pacey told her harshly then exhaled. "Sorry I just…" Pacey said trying to explain his outburst.
"But if you do you know where I am," Jen said as she walked away. Jen knew something was wrong, she may not have been able to hear them talking in the car but she could feel the tension. Joey walked up to Pacey and stood beside him with her hands in her pockets. She had to say something, anything; the silence between them was deafening her.
"Pacey I'm sorry," Joey told him, putting her hand on his shoulder. She didn't know what else to say, she never meant to tell him, she needed to tell someone but not him.
"Sorry for what? It's not like we're involved with each other is it? I mean you needed time, you're getting it and if you use it to sleep with Eddie then that's fine," Pacey told her shaking off her touch. He didn't know how else to react, it was a strange situation, they weren't together and sleeping with Eddie was proof she didn't want to be with him.
"Pacey that's not how it is," Joey told him, crossing her arms over her chest. She used them as barrier, trying to distance herself from him a little. She could see his hurt and it made her hurt when she saw it, you didn't hurt people you love, it just wasn't what you did.
"Then how is it Joey? You tell me because I sure as hell don't understand," Pacey almost shouted at her, putting her bag down on the floor at looking at her face. She perplexed him.
"I didn't mean to, I didn't want to, I didn't go in to have sex with him. It just happened and I regret it," Joey told him. She could see the upset in his eyes, she could almost see hate in them, he hated her.
"How? How did it happen? You were there and he said hey Joey feel like some goodbye sex then you jumped on him? What?" Pacey asked. Joey's eyes became wide as she shook her head at him; she couldn't believe what he had just said. She couldn't control herself; she couldn't believe what he said.
"Did you ever stop to consider that I made a mistake! Did you ever stop, open your narrow little mind and consider that maybe; just maybe, I'm dying inside, I'm killing myself with guilt," Joey told him and he looked at her with kindness. "I'm killing myself from the inside out with guilt because in a space of ten minutes I could have just ruined the best relationship in my life!" Joey shouted at him, pointing her finger at him. His look of kindness disappeared and it was replaced by one of anger.
"Eddie? You think Eddie is the best relationship in your life!" Pacey shouted. They were rowing as it snowed, cold, in the middle of her driveway.
"No, Pacey you are such an ass! I was talking about you!" Joey yelled then softened her voice, taking his hand in hers. She didn't want to make this into an argument. "You are the best relationship in my life," she told him softly, raising her hand to his cheek and cupping it. He softened his look and put his hand on top of hers softly, caressing her cold skin.
"Joey if you think I'm the best relationship in your life then why the hell won't you let me love you?" he asked her. It was a question, it was the question, and the question he needed answered.
"I want you to love me, I want to let you love me Pacey, I do," Joey told him softly. She wanted to but she was scared, this was the scariest thing she had ever done, the hardest things were always when there was the most at stake.
"Then let me Joey, please let me," Pacey pleaded with her. His eyes burned into her, deeply entrancing.
"I'm scared," Joey told him. She looked away from his eyes; she didn't even know why she was so scared, whether it was that she could lose him or that she could be wrong.
"Of what?" Pacey asked her, the sternness coming back to his voice. She was one of the most confusing women he had ever met.
"Of losing you again. Of being wrong!" Joey told him. She didn't know why but she was shouting, maybe it was to make him understand, but she just didn't know how else to say it. It was a big deal to admit that she was scared.
"Take a chance Joey; for god's sake take a chance on me, take a chance on us," Pacey pleaded with her again. He wasn't going to let it go he wasn't going to let it finish before it even had a chance to begin.
"Pacey… You don't understand I…" Joey told him, moving away from him. He cut her words from her mouth before she could say anything more.
"No you're right I don't. I don't understand anything you say, I don't understand why you think I'm your destiny but you want to be with someone else!" Pacey shouted. He was shouting again but it seemed that it was the only way to make himself heard.
"I don't want to be with anyone else!" Joey shouted back at him. She let the tears fall from her eyes, her eyes felt hot and sore from the pain. She couldn't believe that he would think that she wanted to be with someone else, anyone else but him.
"Then why say it!" Pacey asked, he didn't shout but his voice carried over the creek loudly.
"I didn't say it!" Joey screamed annoyed at him. He was saying she said things that she didn't even think let alone say.
"You did Joey! You did say it!" Pacey shouted, she had said it, he hadn't misheard it.
"I'm terrified of making that mistake Pacey!" Joey shouted, shaking her head at him angrily, then calming herself once she had said it. She had admitted it, she admitted she was scared.
"What mistake?" Pacey asked. He didn't understand what mistake she was talking about.
"The one I made with Dawson, I thought he was the one and I was wrong," Joey told him, bowing her head, she couldn't look at him.
"Why is everything about Dawson!" Pacey asked her, shouting and turning his back to her as he ran his fingers through his hair. Everything was about Dawson; it always seemed to come back to him.
"He is… was a big part of my life Pacey but…" Joey tried to explain, but it was hard, it was a very hard thing to explain. She wasn't used to explaining her fears, it was a new thing, and it wasn't easy.
"And now he's not?" Pacey asked her.
"No, not as big as you," Joey told him, softening her voice and moving towards him. She had to make him understand.
"Then Joey… love me… for god's sake love me," Pacey pleaded sadly. All he wanted was for her to love him; he didn't need anything else from her. He wasn't asking a lot, he was just asking for her love.
"Pacey I do love you," Joey reassured, taking his hand in hers and looking to his eyes to show him the truth.
"Then prove it to me Joey," Pacey asked her, gripping her hand both of his and pleading into her eyes. She swallowed a lump in her throat caused by his intense gaze and finally pulled her eyes away from him. She couldn't take his glances anymore, even in the snow they were warm and burned through her skin, warming her all the way through her cold skin.
"I'm scared," Joy told him softly, quietly and with a very real fear. She was afraid of losing him, afraid of making mistakes but most of all she was afraid of not being scared.
"Why!" Pacey asked loudly. He pleaded for her to give him an answer, she hadn't given her any answers, she had given excuses, but no real answers.
"Because I thought Dawson was the one and he wasn't. I don't want to make that mistake again, I can't make that mistake again," Joey told him. It was true, she couldn't put herself through that again, it hurt with Dawson but would hurt more with Pacey, and Pacey was the one. She knew he was the one but she was scared that he wasn't. She could not bear to lose him.
"Joey, you were fifteen... we're older now. I thought you were the one two years ago and I still feel it now, don't you still feel it?" Pacey asked her and she nodded, indicating a yes. She still felt it; she never stopped feeling it. "Then what's the problem Joey? If we love each other and we still feel it then what is the problem? Why can't we be together?" Pacey asked her, pleading to her eyes awaiting an explanation.
"What if I'm wrong Pacey? What if I'm wrong about it, my gut feeling has been wrong before, my heart has been wrong before. What if I'm wrong this time?" Joey asked him.
"Then you are wrong, you have to take the chance on us to find out," Pacey told her. He pleaded with her, he needed an answer.
"I'll lose you, I can't bear to lose you Pacey," Joey told him truthfully. That was one of her biggest fears, knowing that there was a possibility of losing him was frightening.
"You will never lose me Joey, I'll always be here," he reassured her, holding her hands in his tightly, clenching them between his, never letting them go.
"What if I make the mistake?" Joey questioned him. She wanted nothing more than to be with him but he didn't understand how hard it was for her to stop running, she knew it was running but that didn't make it any easier to stop.
"Joey if it doesn't work then it doesn't work. But God Joey..." Pacey took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. "I love you and I am willing to give you everything. Just because you made one mistake, it doesn't mean that you're always going to be wrong about everything. I think you need to take a little bit of your own advice. I think you need to gain some perspective so I think that we should…" Pacey told her, paying when she cut him off with her own words.
"Pacey I…" Joey started to interrupt him.
"No, just hear me out," Pacey said putting his hand over her mouth, stopping her speech and forcing her to listen. He had an idea, something that would help her gain some perspective and look beyond, maybe even forget about, her fears. " I'm going to go home and drop my stuff off, then I'm going to come back in an hour and we're going to have some fun. You, Jen and I are going to have some fun in this lovely cold snow. We are not going to talk about this all day, and then I'm going to bring you back. When you get back you're going to shower and dress yourself up all and nice so that I can pick you up at seven for the party. We're going to go to the party and have a good time; we're going to dance, laugh at my parents, and generally act as if we're having a good time. Then tomorrow we're going to meet up and talk. I'm going to give you 24 hours of no pressure; I'm not even going to mention it," Pacey told her. Her look was perplexed, she didn't understand why he would do that, why he would go from arguing about it to forgetting about it, but he did have his reasons.
"You really think we can do that?" Joey asked him unconvinced. She was confused at his plan but she was even more curious about his plan and the point of it.
"Yes," Pacey told her simply.
"Fine. But why?" Joey asked him. She was confused, always confused at his strange half-thought-out plans.
" I think that we need to forget about it for one day and we need to remember what it's like to be with each other when we're not fighting about this. We need to relax and we are going to relax, so I'm going home," Pacey told her handing her the bag and walking to the car, getting inside. She followed him to the window and looked through the glass at him. He wound the window down and looked at her. "So go inside dress up in some nice warm clothing and prepare for one day of fun snowball-throwing. Okay?" Pacey asked her. She nodded to him and he smiled, pulling the car away from the drive. She watched him leave and thought about it, he was right, she did have to gain some perspective but she wasn't sure how throwing balls of snow at each other was going to help.