Disclaimer: If I owned Seinfeld, do you honestly think I would be writing fan fiction? (Translation: I don't own Seinfeld!)
Author's Note: This is my first Seinfeld fanfiction, and in comparison to some of the other ones that have been posted on this site, I honestly think it's one of the worst fanfics ever written. I admit it...this plot would NEVER happen on the series. But a friend and I went out to eat at T.G.I. Friday's one night, and it was someone's birthday, and we got into an argument over whether or not the birthday song was rehearsed. Then my friend turned to me and said, "Hey...wouldn't this made a good episode of Seinfeld?" So I sat down and wrote it out.
By the way...in case you start to read the story and get confused, T.G.I. Friday's (or just "Friday's" for short) is a restaurant chain in the United States (in the east coast, where I live, anyway) where the waiters and waitresses all get together and sing to you if it's your birthday. It's pretty fun.
So, I hope you enjoy "The Birthday Song." If you don't...oh, well. At least I tried.
The Birthday Song
A Seinfeld Story
Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza were eating dinner at T. G. I. Friday's. However, their peaceful dessert was interrupted when a group of employees gathered around a table nearby and began to sing the Friday's birthday song to a lucky costumer.
"Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday,
Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday,
Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday…"
"I've always wondered about that birthday song," George remarked to Jerry. "Do you think the employees rehearse it? Or are they just given the lyrics and requested to learn it on their own?"
Jerry shrugged. "I don't know. I imagine they rehearse once in a while."
"Really? I always thought they didn't. I can't imagine everyone that works here gathering to rehearse the birthday song. I bet they learn it on their own."
"No, George, they have to rehearse it. Look at how together they all are!" he motioned toward the employees, who were performing a simple dance along with singing the song.
"Yeah, well, I still don't think they rehearse."
The argument followed them all the way back to Jerry's apartment.
"For the last time, they have to rehearse, George. They can't just go and do it without practicing with each other first!" Jerry exclaimed, walking in through his apartment door and throwing his keys down on the counter.
"What, you think they have scheduled rehearsals where they all get together to practice? They're all too busy to do that, Jerry!" George nearly shouted, following Jerry into his apartment and closing the door.
The door to Jerry's apartment had only been closed for a couple of seconds when all of a sudden it opened again. Cosmo Kramer burst in unannounced, as usual.
"Hey, hey, what's all the fighting about?" Kramer asked, concerned.
"Do you know about the birthday song they sing at Friday's? You know, when it's somebody's birthday, and all the waiters and waitresses gather around the table, and sing to you?" Jerry asked.
"Oh, yeah," Kramer recalled. "Yeah, I know about the birthday song."
"Well, do you think they rehearse it? Or do new employees just learn it on their own? Because I think they rehearse, but George here thinks otherwise."
"I don't know," Kramer shrugged. "But you know what would be the best way to find out? Send someone in to work there so we can see for ourselves."
"That's a great idea!" George exclaimed. "You'd be perfect, Kramer!"
"Me?" Kramer asked, surprised.
"Yeah, you! I can't work there, I have my job with the Yankees…Jerry can't work there, he's always going out of town to do shows…but you'd be perfect! Just get a job there, and find out about the birthday song."
Kramer thought. "Oh, all right. I'll do it."
"You'll do it?" Jerry asked excitedly.
"Giddy-up!" Kramer replied.
George and Jerry were just barely done celebrating when the door to Jerry's apartment burst open again, and a heavy set mailman who lived down the hall sauntered in and glared at Jerry.
"Hello, Newman," Jerry muttered, turning his head away in disgust.
"Hello, Jerry," Newman replied gleefully. "Guess who I just saw at Monk's coffee shop down the street."
"Who?" Jerry asked, uninterested.
"Rikki."
"Rikki!" Jerry exclaimed, perking up at once. Rikki was the dancing instructor on whom he had a crush.
"Yes, Rikki. And she looked so lovely. She sat down at the next booth over and ordered a cup of Moravian Mocha Java."
Jerry sighed happily. "Oh, Rikki…someday, I'm going to have the courage to ask her out," he breathed.
This infuriated Newman, but the mailman managed to keep his cool. "Excuse me, Seinfeld? Do you honestly think that Rikki would go out with you?" he asked innocently.
"What, are you implying she'd rather go out with you?" Jerry laughed. "You've got to be kidding!"
"Now, why would Rikki want to date an unstable, immature comedian when she'd rather be with a caring, well-respected postmaster like myself?"
"She'll never date you!" Jerry yelled.
"Yes, she will. I will get Rikki, or I will get my revenge!" Newman answered.
The next morning, George was in a meeting at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Wilhelm was boring him to death as usual.
"The next item on the agenda is the Player of the Week Award," Wilhelm said. "Now, this year we've decided that we're all going to take turns presenting the Player of the Week award. George, since you've never presented, you're going to go first."
George perked up. "Me?"
"Yes, you. You're going to present the Player of the Week Award to Paul O'Neill at the game on Saturday."
"This Saturday?" George asked excitedly.
"This Saturday," Wilhelm nodded. "Immediately following the game. And be sure to dress sharp, because it's going to be broadcast on TV."
George grinned happily. He was going to be on TV!
Meanwhile, Elaine Benes was not having that good of a day. While she and Jerry were at breakfast in Monk's, Elaine was breaking to him some terrible news.
"I just found out early this morning that my father has to have knee replacement surgery," she told Jerry sadly. "He's in a lot of pain, Jerry! I'm really upset!"
"There, there, Elaine," Jerry said quietly. "I'm really sorry, but don't worry, he'll be okay." Jerry really didn't care that much for Alton Benes, but when anyone's father was in the hospital, Jerry was obviously really concerned.
Elaine sighed. "Yeah, maybe you're right. I shouldn't worry that much. He'll be fine."
Jerry checked his watch. "Look at the time. Shouldn't you be at Peterman's by now?"
"I don't know. I think I might call in sick. If Peterman finds out I'm upset because my father's having knee surgery, he'll probably come into my office with a big cake, and insist that everyone else sing to me to cheer me up."
Jerry tried his hardest to keep himself from laughing. "But if he knows you're sick, he'll just some in to your office tomorrow with a carrot cake, singing that get well song," he reminded her.
Elaine groaned. "You're right." She stood up. "Yeah, I'd better get to work. See you later, Jer."
"See you, Lainey. Oh, and cheer up, okay? Everything's going to be fine." Jerry smiled at her. "Oh, Elaine, by the way…when you guys sing happy birthday or get well soon to each other down at Peterman's, do you all rehearse together, or not?"
Elaine shrugged. "How should I know? I'm never a part of it."
As soon as Elaine left Monk's, Newman walked in.
"Hello, Jerry."
"Hello, Newman," Jerry glowered back.
Luckily, Newman took a seat at the counter. Jerry desperately looked around the coffee shop, trying to find anything that would distract his attention from Newman.
And then it happened. The door to the coffee shop opened, and Rikki the dance instructor walked right in. Newman and Jerry both noticed her, and both of their faces lit up like children in a candy store.
Rikki ignored Newman completely and made a beeline straight for Jerry. "Hi, Jerry!"
"Hi, Rikki! Have a seat!" Jerry gestured to the seat across from him, which Elaine had just vacated.
"Gladly!" Rikki sat down. "So, what's going on?"
"Well, my friend George called me right before I left the house this morning. Remember George, my friend that works for the Yankees?" Rikki nodded, and Jerry continued. "Well, he'll be presenting the Player of the Week Award to Paul O'Neill on Saturday. It'll be broadcast on TV!"
"Wow, how exciting!"
"Yeah, I know! I can't wait to see him! Hey, do you want to come over on Saturday? We can watch it together!"
"Sure, that would be great!" Rikki exclaimed.
Jerry smiled. Not only was he happy that Rikki had chosen him over Newman, but he was happy that she seemed to be falling completely in love with him.
Newman, however, wasn't that disappointed. Remembering his earlier vow of either getting Rikki or getting revenge, he had overheard Jerry's conversation with Rikki and now thought of the perfect way to get revenge on Jerry.
"TV, huh?" Newman whispered eagerly to himself, grinning evilly. "Well, Jerry, let's just see if your TV works when the postman forgets to deliver your cable bill!"
Kramer had just been hired as a waiter at Friday's. The manager was giving him a tour of the premises.
"Try not to touch anything in the kitchen unless one of the cooks tells you to," the manager reminded Kramer as they exited the kitchen and came back out into the main seating of the restaurant.
"Right on," Kramer agreed.
"Well, that's the tour," the manager said, clapping his hands together. "Any questions, Cosmo?"
"Yeah, just one," Kramer said. "When a costumer has a birthday, and we perform the birthday song, do I have to rehearse first before I can join in?"
"Oh, the birthday song! Yeah, I forgot to tell you about that!" the manager exclaimed. "No, we don't rehearse. Just watch us the first couple of times we perform it. The singing and dancing we do is really easy to learn. When you've seen us do it enough times that you feel comfortable performing it, you can join in."
"Right," Kramer nodded, satisfied that he had the answer to Jerry and George's question.
"So, they don't rehearse, and they don't hand you lyrics. You just watch them perform, and when you feel comfortable enough, you join in," Kramer said to Jerry. He was back at Jerry's apartment, relaying to him the procedure for the birthday song at Friday's.
"They don't rehearse, huh? Well, I guess George was right," Jerry admitted.
At that moment, the intercom buzzed, and Jerry crossed over to answer it. "Yeah?" he asked, pressing down the button.
"It's me," came Elaine's voice, only more sullen than usual.
"Come on up," Jerry replied, holding down the button that opened the door into the building.
"She sounded upset," Kramer observed.
"Yeah, her father's in the hospital. He needs knee replacement surgery. Elaine's really upset about it."
"Yeah, my friend Bob Saccamano had both of his knees replaced within two weeks," Kramer recalled, shuddering at the memory. "He couldn't walk for three years!"
Elaine walked into Jerry's apartment, looking depressed. "Jerry, I need you to do me a favor."
"Sure, what is it?"
"Can you come down to Maryland with me? I need to go down to see my father, and I want someone to go with me." She gulped back some tears. "And he likes you."
"When will we be leaving?" asked Jerry quietly.
"Tomorrow."
Jerry thought. "Oh, Elaine, you know what? I'm sorry, but I can't go. I have a show tomorrow, and I really can't cancel it."
Elaine was on the verge of tears. "Oh, come on, Jer…"
"I'm sorry, Elaine, but I told you, I have to work. Kramer could go with you!"
"Actually, Jerry, I have to work tomorrow, too," Kramer intersected. "I have to work at Friday's all this week."
"Wait. You mean you're actually keeping the job?" Jerry asked him, dumbfounded. "You took the job to find out about the birthday song. You did that, and now you're keeping the job?"
"Well, yeah, Jerry! Who takes a job for only a couple of days?" Kramer looked revolted at the very idea.
"Excuse me," came a cheerful-sounding voice. Newman had appeared in Jerry's doorway.
"Hello, Newman," sneered Jerry, putting every ounce of hatred he could muster into saying Newman's name.
"Hello there, Jerry," Newman smiled back. He turned to Elaine. "I'm sorry, Elaine, but I couldn't help but overhear you needed someone to accompany you on a trip."
"Yes. I'm going down to Maryland to visit my father. He's in the hospital for knee replacement surgery. I really want someone to go with me."
"Why, I could go with you," Newman suggested as casually as he could.
Normally, Elaine would have omitted an automatic, "No way." However, this time she was so distraught that all she could muster was, "Sure. I guess so."
As Newman clapped his hands gleefully and Jerry looked on in horror, Elaine couldn't help but wonder if she had made a big mistake.
George burst through the front door of his parents' house in Queens. "Hey, Mom, Dad, guess what!" he exclaimed excitedly. "I get to be on TV! Saturday night I'll be giving out the Player of the Week Award to Paul O'Neill after the Yankees game!"
"What's so special about being on TV?" Frank yelled.
"Frank!" Estelle shouted at her husband. She turned to George. "Oh, Georgie, that's so wonderful! I can't wait to see you on TV!"
"I just don't understand what's so special about it. Lots of people are on TV!" Frank continued to yell.
"Yeah, but our Georgie hasn't ever been on TV."
"Yes, he has. There was the U.S. Open, the time he pretended to streak across the field…" Frank started counting on his fingers.
"Oh, just forget it, Frank! I can't have a civilized conversation with you anymore!" Estelle yelled coarsely at her husband.
George watched as his parents' attention turned from him to each other. He watched his parents fight for a few minutes, but then decided to give up altogether, and just left the house without saying goodbye.
The next morning, Jerry and Rikki were in Jerry's apartment, eating cereal. Jerry had called her up and invited her over.
"You know something, Jerry? I can definitely see you as a dancer. You have the right build for it," Rikki commented.
"Really?" Jerry looked down at himself.
"Yeah. You're tall, but not too tall, and you're skinny…I can just see you as a dancer."
"My mother always said I'd be a good dancer," Jerry remembered. "But I never tried. I thought it was a girl's thing."
"No, it's not! I dance with plenty of male dancers." Rikki took Jerry's hand and led him into the living room. "Come on, I'll show you a few moves."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
At that moment, Kramer burst in uninvited, as usual. "What's happening?" he asked, clapping his hands together. "Man, it was really busy at Friday's last night…"
"Rikki is showing me some dance moves," Jerry announced. "Kramer, meet Rikki. Rikki, this is Kramer, my neighbor."
"Oh, it's my pleasure," Kramer grinned smoothly, shaking her hand.
"Hello, Kramer. Would you like to learn some dance moves with Jerry?"
"Sure, I'd love to!"
After the three of them moved the table, chairs, and couch out of the way, Rikki led them in some warm-up stretches, and then proceeded to teach them some basic jazz moves.
"Leaping across the floor seems hard when you see it, but it's really easy," Rikki said. "You just need to take three runs forward, and then stretch your leg over the other one. Push it up into the air, and then touch it back down. It's just like jumping over hurdles. Leap!" She proceeded to demonstrate a perfect leap across the room.
"I'll have you practice leaping over sofa pillows first," Rikki continued, laying a sofa pillow in the center of the room. "Now, Kramer, you first. Just take three runs, and leap over it."
Kramer tried, and succeeded at leaping over the pillow Rikki had put in the center of the room.
"This is fun!" he said gleefully as he touched his leg back down on the ground. "Try it, Jerry! It's really easy!"
Jerry leaped over the pillow. "Yeah, that was pretty easy!"
"Wow." Kramer leaped over the pillow again. "Hey, I just had a great idea. I'm going to incorporate a leap into my birthday song routine at Friday's."
"Oh, gosh," Jerry said, rolling his eyes.
Meanwhile, Elaine was beginning to regret that she ever brought Newman with her to Maryland. They had been on the plane for an hour already, and he would not stop talking about how postmen were better than everybody else.
"Wait!" Elaine suddenly cried, interrupting Newman's babbling about how he and Kramer were planning to host their own talk show someday. "I just thought of something. Newman, when postal workers take off work, how do their routes get done?"
Newman shrugged. "Beats me." Then he burst into a cackle of evil laughter.
Hundreds of miles away from the airplane headed for Baltimore, in a post office in Manhattan, the mail for Newman's route sat in a pile, waiting to be delivered by somebody, anybody. Lying on top of the pile was a letter addressed to Mr. Jerry Seinfeld from the Plaza Cable Company.
"Jerry, the game begins at five o' clock and lasts for about three hours," George said to Jerry over the phone. "So, I'll be on TV at around eight o' clock tonight."
"Right. Eight o' clock. I'll be sure to see it," Jerry affirmed. "I'm bringing Rikki over so she can watch the game with me."
"Oooh, Rikki!"
"Yeah. Well, listen, George, I gotta go, I'll call you later."
"Right."
George and Jerry said a few more words, and then hung up. Kramer burst through Jerry's door unannounced, as usual.
"Hey, Jerry! Guess what I just remembered. Elaine's birthday is next week!" Kramer said, chomping down on a bag of Funyuns.
Jerry shrugged. "Yeah, I know. So?"
"So? How about you bring over to Friday's?" Kramer asked gleefully. "My co-workers and I will sing the birthday song to Elaine!"
Jerry thought. "You know what?" he asked finally. "I bet some cheering up is just what Elaine needs. She's been so upset about her father…yeah, I think you're right, Kramer. As soon as she gets back to town, we'll take her out to Friday's."
"Giddy-up!" Kramer said excitedly, kicking his feet up in the air. "I'm practicing my leaps, Jerry!"
"Your leaps? The leaps that Rikki taught you?"
"Yeah!"
The phone rang, and Jerry answered it. "Hello?"
"Hello, Jerry?" It was Elaine, calling from Maryland.
"Lainey? Is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me, Jer. Listen, Newman and I got down here, and we found out that my father is being transferred to New York to see a specialist. So we're trying to get a flight back to New York."
"Oh, well, that's great! You'll be here, and your father will be here…you can visit him in the hospital whenever you like."
"Yeah." Somehow, though, Elaine didn't sound so happy. Maybe it was because her father was still going to be having surgery, wherever he happened to be.
"Well, call me when you get in, okay? You think you'll make it back by tonight?"
"I don't know, I think we might."
"Well, be sure to---Kramer! Kramer, what are you doing? Put those pillows BACK! You're not practicing any leaping without Rikki here!"
Later that afternoon, Rikki and Jerry were making themselves comfortable on Jerry's couch in preparation to watch the baseball game.
"Do you need anything else to drink?" Jerry asked, after handing her a Snapple.
"No, I'm fine, thanks."
Jerry smiled and sat down next to her on the couch. He aimed the remote and the TV and pressed the power button.
But instead of giving them the baseball game, what they saw on TV was nothing but static.
"Oh, no!" Jerry moaned. "The cable must be out!" He tried flipping channels, but it was no use; the cable was totally out.
"Quick, call the cable company!" Rikki suggested.
"Good idea." Jerry picked up the phone and dialed Plaza Cable. "Yes, my name in Jerry Seinfeld, I'm a customer. I think my cable is out."
"Seinfeld…Seinfeld…" the man on the other line was flipping through his files. "Ah, here we are, Jerry Seinfeld." He paused. "Oh, no wonder your cable is out. It says here that you never paid your cable bill."
"Wha?" Jerry asked, surprised. "But I always pay my cable bill! And I don't ever remember receiving it for this month!"
"Are you sure? It must have gotten lost in the mail, then."
"Is it okay if I come down there and pay it right now?"
The man on the other line paused. "Sure, I don't see why not."
"Thanks, I'll be right down." Jerry hung up the phone.
"What's going on?" Rikki asked.
"My cable bill got lost in the mail, so I have to go down to the cable company and pay in. Then the TV will come back on."
"Oh, that's terrible! My bills never get lost in the mail."
"I know, usually that's the case with me too." Jerry paused, and then thought. Hold on a second! Didn't Newman say he was going to get Rikki, or get his revenge?
"NEWMAN!" Jerry glowered.
"Huh?" asked Rikki.
Before Jerry had a chance to explain, the phone rang. "Hello?"
"Hello, Jerry?" It was Elaine. "Listen, my flight is landing in about an hour at La Guardia. Would you mind picking me up?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Elaine, but I'm kind of in the middle of something. Could you try Kramer?"
"I did. He's working."
Jerry sighed. "All right. I'll be there."
"Thank you so much, Jerry!"
"Yep." Jerry hung up the phone and turned to face Rikki. "Rikki, I'm so sorry. My friend's flight lands at the airport in an hour, and I have to pick her up. By the time we get there, and get to the cable company, and back, I bet the game will be over."
Rikki smiled and stood up. "That's okay, Jerry. I understand."
"You do?"
"Yeah. These things come up," she said gently. "How about I just go home, and you call me tonight, okay? We can make plans for tomorrow."
Jerry smiled. "That would be wonderful."
Elaine threw her bags into the trunk and hopped into the front seat of Jerry's car.
"Where's Newman?" Jerry asked.
Elaine just glared at him. "Does it matter?"
Jerry nodded and pulled away from the airport. "Well, I did kind of want to hurt him after that nasty trick he played on me and Rikki."
"What nasty trick?"
"I don't feel like explaining now. Maybe later." Jerry hastily changed the subject. "So, how's your father doing? When's he getting here to New York?"
Elaine sighed sadly. "He's probably already here by now. He's in the New York Hospital. I'm going to visit him first thing in the morning."
"Hey, cheer up, okay? He's going to be fine." They drove in silence for a while until Jerry thought of something. "So, Elaine," he said casually. "Somebody's celebrating a birthday next week, I hear."
"Oh, yeah. That. Some birthday, with my father in the hospital."
"Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up."
"What?"
Jerry smiled. "How about you and I go out to Friday's?"
Elaine stared at him. "Now?"
"Yeah, now!"
"Why?"
"Because it's your birthday, and you need cheering up, and Kramer will be there to sing you the birthday song, and George will be there, too. He said the Yankees usually go to Friday's to eat after their home games." He paused. "Come on, Elaine. Just relax and celebrate your birthday early tonight."
Elaine sighed. "Oh, okay! You talked me into it!"
"Great!" said Jerry excitedly.
An hour later, George, Jerry, and Elaine were seated at a booth in Friday's.
"So you didn't see any of the game? And you didn't get to see me on TV?" George said incredulously.
"I told you! No, I didn't. Newman conveniently forgot to give me my cable bill, so my cable was out. But before I could go down there and pay it to get it back on, Elaine called and asked me to pick her up at the airport."
George sighed. "Well, we won, six to two. I didn't get to see me on TV yet, but hopefully, I didn't make that big a fool out of myself."
"I'm sure you looked great, George," commented Elaine.
"Yeah, yeah." George turned to Jerry. "So, how are you and Rikki doing?"
"Okay," Jerry nodded. "She seemed pretty understanding about the whole thing. I told her I'd call her tonight."
"I hear it's somebody's birthday," smiled one of the waitresses cheerfully, passing their booth.
"Oh, no!" Elaine moaned. "Here it goes."
All of a sudden, waiters, waitresses, hostesses, and even some chefs were coming out of the woodwork, clapping and humming. They formed a circle around Elaine's booth and began to dance and sing:
"Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday,
Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday,
Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday…"All of a sudden, Kramer came completely out of nowhere, shoving some of his fellow co-workers aside so he could get to the center of the circle. As George, Jerry, and Elaine stared on, Kramer began some hideous dance moves as he continued to sing in an off-key voice:
"Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday,
Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday,
Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday,
To you, to you, to YOU!"
Just as he was singing the last line, Kramer backed up a few paces and jetted forward in a perfect leap.
However, as he was bringing his leg up, his foot kicked a nearby waiter, who was delivering soup to the booth next to where Elaine was seated. The hot soup spilled all over Elaine's chest.
"AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Are you okay? Do you need some Superman comics?" Jerry asked. He and George were in Elaine's hospital room.
Even though Elaine's chest was all bandaged up and she was in great pain, she still managed a small smile. "No, I think I'll be okay. Thanks."
"Wait until I get my hands on that…that…that KRAMER!" George exploded.
"I heard he got fired from Friday's," Jerry said.
"I'm not surprised," Elaine groaned. There was a silence.
"Elaine, I'm sorry," said Jerry quietly. "All I wanted was for you to have a cheerful birthday. I didn't know it would be like this."
"It's okay, Jer. At least my father and I are in the same hospital now. I can see him whenever I want."
"How's he doing, by the way?"
"Oh, he's okay."
All of the sudden, the door burst open. J. Peterman, along with some of Elaine's fellow employees, came into the hospital room singing their infamous "get well" song.
"Get well, get well soon.
We want you to get well!"
"Hey, Elaine, isn't it your birthday next week?" Walter asked.
"Oh, no! We brought you all these get well cards, but we forgot to bring a cake!" Other Walter cried.
"We'll have to have the cake some other time," said Mr. Peterman, clapping his hands together cheerfully. "But the least we can do is wish Elaine a happy birthday. Let's sing on the count of three. One…two…three!"
"Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Elaine,
Happy birthday to you!"
Peterman was about to begin a second verse when he noticed George and Jerry giving him dirty looks.
"What," Peterman wanted to know, "is so harmful about singing 'Happy Birthday?'"
THE END
Author's Note: Reviews and constructive criticism (no flames, please!) will be graciously accepted! Leave a review!