Chapter Eighteen

Vader was only a few steps out of his door before he stopped and leaned against a wall, replaying her words over and over again in his mind. It was as if she had seen into his soul and chosen the thing that would hurt him the most, chosen the one thing to say that could make him doubt.

The need for her to forgive him, to love him, burned within him, almost drowning out the hate. The disgust in her voice, the sheer hatred that she had shown mingled with his own emotions until they became one and the same.

Padmé, he whispered her name in his head. His hate seemed to cool and shrink as tears ran down his face, tears of deep guilt and sorrow that he had carried within him for far too long. He wept for the younglings he had murdered then, for all the Jedi he had betrayed and killed. His tears were bitter, and he allowed the pain that filled him to escape, to let down the shields that encased his soul.

He remembered the only other day he had cried for his victims, then at Mustafar. He had wept for his victims then, and for himself, knowing that every single child and innocent he had sacrificed had been for her, to save her. To save her so she could save him. The rage had grown within him, a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach that curled within him, wrapping itself around his love until they mingled; hate and love and power all in one.

He felt like a child again, weeping silently in the dark. He had not cried often, learning to master his emotions. Watto had not been a gentle master. But in the early days he had cried, and his mother had always been there to put her arms around him and whisper in his ear that it would be alright.

Another person he had failed. His mother. Her memory brought pain to him as he remembered the first time he had killed for revenge, the sheer rage that had brought destruction to an entire band of Tuskens. He wondered bitterly if she would be proud of him, if she would applaud the choices he had made.

At last he came to Obi-Wan. The name of his former master caused the blood to boil in his veins. Anger surged up in him, abrupt and terrifying. He had left Vader to burn, in more then one sense. The mere thought of killing his former master had been the force that had driven Vader for the last ten years, had been enough for him to continue the mad, reckless hunt across the galaxy for the Jedi.

Padmé's eyes came to him, her soft brown eyes turned bitter and angry. His whispered apology to her came to the forefront of his mind. A want rose up in him, a need to set all that he had done back to what it had been before, when she had loved him. But all he had done came rushing back to him, interrupting his fantasy, and there was only him, alone with the weight of his sins again.

A whispered solution came to him through the Force. He could never give up the vendetta against Obi-Wan, but… he could delay it, could he not? The part of Vader that hungered for blood howled that he needed to go, needed to find his former master and destroy him. The anger in her eyes came back to him, the sheer disgust he had felt from her. Perhaps… perhaps he did not have to go immediately; perhaps he could stay with her, for just a little bit longer in Bast Castle.

The manipulative part of Vader found a solution. He would only stay long enough for him to turn her around to his thinking, for her to realize that the only way was for her to become Empress and rule with him. Then, they would leave and go to Tatooine to bury the ghosts of the past before they proceeded to topple the Emperor. The solution stuck in Vader's mind until the power-hungry beast inside of him that had been newly awakened was satisfied.

Part of him knew he was deluding himself, that that was not why he wanted to stay with her, but he pushed that part aside. Now, all he had to do was tell Padmé.

He walked over to the door of her room and opened it unceremoniously. She was standing by the window, staring out at the landscape. He noticed that it was not yet raining, and that even the ugly green-yellow clouds seemed to form some kind of a beautiful pattern that reached across the sky. She looked at him, eyes shining with what he supposed could be construed as hope.

"I will stay a little bit longer," he said to her. A small smile of triumph lit her face, and Vader did not it even find insulting. She came up to him, her cheeks glittering a little from tears that she had shed, and he thought he saw something in her eyes, a sort of gentleness that made him want to fall on his knees and beg her forgiveness. The thought that there was even a chance that she could forgive him, begin to love him again… he trembled slightly.

Her eyes were soft again, even though lines still surrounded her face, framing it in care and premature aging. The ghost of a smile graced her lips, and for once, they were not turned down in anger or hate. Her hand reached out, barely hinting that she would touch his gloved fingers. Vader closed his eyes, tears pricking at the corners of them. They were tears of guilt, knowing that he did not deserve to be forgiven, that he did not deserve to have her touch him.

He pulled away, walking to a corner of her room. He felt her eyes on him, heard the soft exhalation of disappointment. They were silent for a moment, Vader drowning in a flood of revulsion for himself, her simply watching, unsure of how to save him.

"Someday," he heard her whisper, almost so softly he could not hear her, "You will let go of the hate you have for yourself, and you will be able to forgive what you have done." He heard the gentle promise in her voice, the whisper of times to come that were not laden in darkness. He wished, for just a moment, that he could see what she saw, that he could touch the light for more then an instant without the darkness in his soul he had carried since Mustafar.

She continued, and Vader felt exposed beneath her, as if she could see through all the layers he had set up to deceive himself, that she could actually feel the center of Anakin Skywalker that lingered beneath the cruel exterior of Vader.

"On that day, I will be able to welcome my husband with open arms. Until then, you remain Lord Vader to me."

Vader heard the promise in her words, and for a moment, he felt as if he could reach out and grasp the future she set before him. But then he fell down, spiraling back into the blackness and despair that was all he could see. The darkness grasped him, whispering into his ear, You are mine. He turned to her, and spoke with a deep heaviness that weighed him down, sinking under the weight of his own guilt.

"Then Lord Vader I will remain."