Chapter Nineteen
Padmé wrapped her arms around herself, deep in thought and not conscious of the gesture. She wore a burgundy gown with long sleeves that was awash in pearls that glittered softly in the harsh light of the outside. She had found it in her closet. It had not been there the day before.
She stood in a high tower that overlooked the whole castle, which was, she realized, enormous. Dark, sweeping spires towered above ebony roof-tops and grey landing platforms. Weapons bristled in areas partially covered by rock. Acidic, venomous clouds stirred above her, threatening to unleash themselves upon the castle.
The room in which she stood was plated with dark glass. The only thing that was not transparent was the door behind her and the ebony floor beneath her feet. Vader had showed her the room and the pathway to it, explaining that it was a good place to think and that he did not want her searching the rest of the castle for there were 'many unseen dangers.'
She had felt the deep desire in Vader, the need to come back to her, the need to have her love him. His needs had been somehow transferred to her through the deep bond between them, and she had seen herself through his eyes. The pain that he endured had filled her until she had seen what she had thought to be the path, the way to lead him out of the shadows.
She had recognized that he believed himself to be beyond redemption, and that only he was keeping himself from the thing he yearned for the most. It was only he that kept himself from her love; it was only himself that refused to forgive his own sins. He bound himself in the shackles of Vader, refusing to leave his self-condemnation and hate behind.
So she had tried to allow him to see, tried to let him know that she was waiting, waiting only for him to release himself and allow her to love him. She had tried to reach out to him, had tried to touch his hand. Instead, he had recoiled, leaving her with a great sense of loss.
She had spoken with a clairvoyance and truth that she did not know she possessed. It had almost seemed to her not to be her own voice that had swirled around them, laden with truth and forgiveness. She had almost felt an energy pressing around her, prompting her to speak with gentle patience. She had almost felt it gather itself in her until she was posed in the light, bathing in it as she tried to save him.
"The Force," said Qui-Gon, appearing to her by her side. She turned around, startled for a second to see the man she thought had died years ago to be suddenly by her side. She forced herself to relax and stare out the window instead.
"You felt the Force," he said again, folding his arms across his broad chest. She did not say anything, simply content to stare out ahead.
"You felt the power of the energies that the Jedi serve in symbiosis; the energies that created Anakin Skywalker." Now she turned to him.
"I am no Jedi, Master Jinn. And you-" she frowned. "You should not be here. You died by the blade of a Sith years ago."
He raised an eyebrow at her eloquently.
"You may not be a Jedi, but the Force flows through your veins. And as for me…" He paused, seeming to need a moment to collect his thoughts. "I do not live in the form in which I once did, but am in perfect balance with the Force."
She laughed harshly.
"There is nothing within me that could possibly merit a connection to the Force, Master Jedi."
He seemed to capture her eyes with gentle strength then, silencing her skepticism.
"You can save your husband, Padmé. He has been immersed in darkness for a long time, but there is still hope."
She heard footsteps approaching then, the loud, heavy noise of boots that could only belong to Vader. She looked to her side to find that the apparition of Qui-Gon had left, leaving her in perfect stillness. She heard him enter the room quietly, and she was careful to make no notice of his entrance. A pang of hurt swept over her as she thought of Anakin, who would have come up to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, speaking softly into her ear.
Instead, Vader came to stand beside her, calmly walking into the spot in which his first mentor had stood before. It had been a day since his cold pronouncement, and she still felt the hints of bitterness in him from that encounter. She would not break the silence, but only waited quietly for him to speak.
"When I built this room, I intended it to be a way for me to look over the castle; a way to guard my property." Padmé still made no response, not even turning her head to look in his direction. He continued, oblivious to the fact that she did not appear to be listening.
"Instead, I came here more and more often to think. It eventually became that I entered here to calm myself, and-" His voice caught, and then she turned to look at him. His helmeted head turned to her and a degree of softness entered his voice.
"This is where I came when I could no longer bear memories of you. I would come here to repress them, trying to forget you, trying to drive the haunted picture of you from Mustafar out of my mind."
She longed to reach out to him, longed to comfort him even as she knew he would reject her. So instead she nodded and turned away from him, looking out at the broiling clouds even as she felt a great weight bear down on her heart.
"If I would have known that you were alive…" He allowed the sentence to trail off into the air, weighing heavily on both of them.
"How long?" She asked softly. "How long have you been in mourning for me, Anakin?"
He seemed to ignore the use of his name, instead turning to her question with a deliberate single-mindedness.
"Ten years," he said, marking each word carefully. The parts that he did not speak she heard as well; for ten years, he had toiled under the crushing weight of his own, tremendous guilt and pain. For ten years, he had thought her dead, and had tried to purge his thoughts of her memory.
She allowed a small gasp to escape her lips. She only had memory up until the time when she had meet Obi-Wan's eyes with her one final whisper, and ten years had passed since then.
"I… did not know that," she said quietly, almost to herself.
The silence between them stretched on. It was not like when she had been on Naboo, and they had basked in each other's warmth. This silence was stiff and uncomfortable. She sensed in Vader a growing unrest, which broke with his words.
"The man you want to love is gone. I am no longer the weak, naïve hero that you loved, Padmé. I can never return to that, and it is only delusion to think that there is still a hint of Skywalker within me."
He spoke the word 'Skywalker' with such derision and hate that it took her a little bit to recover. When she spoke, it was with the energy of the Force that flowed into her with a rush.
"You do not want to face the truth within yourself because you believe that if you recognize yourself to be Anakin, the weight of your sins will overcome you, and you will be lost."
Her chin lifted as she came closer to Vader, not touching him, but still reaching out to him clumsily through the connection they shared. And when she spoke, it was not with the golden light that flowed through her; it was only herself, speaking as she would to her husband.
"Anakin," she whispered softly, a yearning expression on her face filled with hope, "If you would only discard the hate you carry within you, you would not be lost." She came closer to the impenetrable, unreadable black mask. "You would be found."
A snarl of rage came from him and he turned from her, walking to the opposite side of the room, bracing his hands against the glass. She followed him, a whirl of crimson silk.
"You cannot deny it forever," she said harshly. Anger stirred in her, fed by his continuing silence. She only wanted him to see, to realize that his salvation was close, if he would only come with her, only turn himself from the emotions that destroyed him from the inside.
"One day, you will realize that you are Anakin Skywalker, whether or not you want to admit it right now." She stepped back, talking to his silhouette. "You can only pray that I will be there on that day, and not lost to you again."
That elicited a reaction. He turned to her, and she felt the sudden panic in him.
"You are never leaving," he growled. She felt a sense of forbidding power in the room, and fear clenched her. "I will never loose you again," he said, towering over her. Her eyes flashed a little before she nodded slowly.
"You are right," she said slowly, stubbornly. "I will not leave you until you cast off the shadow of Vader."
She felt his thick frustration and pain, and once again reached for him.
"Anakin… take my hand. I am waiting for you; all you have to do is come."
He turned away again, and she was tempted to scream.
"It is too late for me. Don't you see?" He turned to her then, and she could almost see his eyes with black hurt in them.
She closed her eyes, suddenly weary. It was in the stillness that she saw the eyes of the child he had cut down peering up at her. She knew that she was seeing what he saw, what he was tormented with. He was afraid to face himself, afraid to come to the light, afraid to admit to himself and to her that he still had a soul, for if he had a soul, he could not possibly forgive himself…
"I see," she whispered. "I see far too well."
There were no more words between them. He left, stalking out the door wordlessly. She stared out at the landscape, with all her hopes hanging on a man who was supposed to have died by the blade of a Sith twenty years ago.
A/N Thank everyone so much for all the kind and generous words. They really mean a lot to me. There will be another chapter on this and then an interlude. After that, there will be anywhere from 3-12 chapters. I plan to write a sequel, but I will need to catch my breath for awhile. Once again, thanks for the replies!