Rescued

Chapter 9

Tonks didn't miss the bitter inflection in his voice. Instinctively, she grabbed at his hand as he turned to leave the tent.

"Remus, stop."

"I need some air," he answered, refusing to meet her eyes.

Her mind screamed with a cacophony of conflicting thoughts. You're beautiful when you're making love. I'm not worthy of you. This isn't how you wanted it, but neither did I. Give me time, please give me time… But instead of saying any of those things, she blurted, "Remus, it was nice!"

She winced at the words the minute they flew from her mouth. His breathing was rushed, and he flushed with embarrassment at her less-than-spectacular review of the extremely intimate moment that they had just shared - a sliver of searing joy that he would never forget. And he gently pulled his hand away from hers.

"You don't have to feign complements, Tonks. Your cuffs are off. That's what you wanted. Goodnight."

He blew out the swinging candle hanging from the tent and lay down upon his pallet. But after a good ten minutes, her small voice cut through the blackness.

"Is that why you did it? Just to release the gauntlets?"

Remus shifted uncomfortably. He wanted to say 'yes.' He wanted to preserve his dignity, his pride; but he couldn't bring himself to lie.

"No," he whispered.

"And did you mean it? The part where you said you'd give your life for me?" the voice asked, a little shaky this time.

"Yes," he answered quietly.

A long silence fell before she meekly asked, "Remus, are you…are you in love with me?"

Yes. "Nymphadora." Remus turned to face her, his face illuminated by a conjured blue flame in his palm. "It doesn't really matter whether or not I love you. I'm too old, too poor, and too dangerous for carrying on relationships."

"Remus…" She tried to interrupt, but he pushed forward full throttle to safeguard his heart, blue eyes piercing her with their intensity.

"Let me finish, Tonks! I'm not a schoolboy anymore, so just because I make love with a woman and enjoy it, which I did, I don't have any illusions of getting married and buying a bungalow by the sea. I'm sorry if my lovemaking didn't meet your usual standards, but I didn't hurt you. You're free from the gauntlets; and I'm planning on keeping this our secret, so I can't see that you have anything to complain about under the circumstances."

Tonks winced. Lupin's voice was no longer a whisper.

"The bottom line, Nymphadora, is that I don't need your sympathy. I saved you because I wanted to, and I had the opportunity and that's that." The flame suddenly extinguished. "Now it's been a long day, and I would kindly appreciate it if we could end this conversation and get some sleep."

After another long silence, Tonks finally managed, "I'm sorry for bothering you, Remus… it's only that…" She exhaled and continued, her voice a shaky whisper. "It's only that I'm in love with you. I thought maybe you felt the same way, but…I was wrong. I'm sorry….goodnight."

Lupin squeezed his eyes shut as deep ache overtook his chest and warm salt water tugged at his eyes. She loves me, he thought over and over.

But what did it really matter? As he had said earlier, he was too old and too poor for her….too dangerous for anyone. His heart clenched with pain. Why had he even allowed himself to love her when he knew that they could never truly be together?

Pinching his eyes tight, Remus tried to staunch the tears. At least they had shared tonight, he told himself; and then a voice somewhere inside him said, But you didn't even touch her… didn't even hold her. He felt sick, and only one act would cure him. He turned back to Nymphadora and whispered, "I love you, too."

But there was no answer. He conjured the blue flame and a sleeping Tonks came into view, an empty bottle of dreamless sleep potion nestled beneath her right hand.

And because this woman he adored could not hear him, Remus allowed his heart to say it once more.

"I love you, Nymphadora. With all my heart, I love you."

Somewhere overhead, a falcon cried out beneath a black Arabian sky.

tbc

Back from vacation. I had to give some props to HBP. If you've read it you'll understand.