Zach walked into the sunshine from the artificial light of the hospital lobby using his hand to shade his eyes, as he felt almost surprised that such a painful day could also be so beautiful. He breathed deeply, as if to cleanse his lungs from the smell of antiseptic and disinfectant… the hospital smell that was so pervasive, but also something more… as he was released from the suffocating pressure he had felt since standing in a small room and gazing on the cold and lifeless body of his son.
It was over quickly. He had positively identified Ethan's "remains" and signed a document verifying the same as well as consenting to the autopsy. He was informed that it would be conducted within seventy-two hours and then "the body" would be released to him. He was offered assistance with arrangements by the presentation of a much-photocopied list of funeral homes and cemeteries in the vicinity that he could call. He had folded and placed it in his inside jacket pocket. This was something that he normally might have delegated, but he found himself needing to personally make these arrangements… as if to be close to his son in death in a way that he could never have done in life.
He missed Kendall. She had remained with him through the ordeal of viewing Ethan and held his hand or his arm throughout the formalities. When they had returned to the waiting area, Derek was still seated but Maria had been called away to see a patient. Kendall had quickly left to find Maria, saying that they had not finished their conversation but not indicating the nature of their discussion… and Zach was feeling entirely too overwhelmed to be concerned about it. He trusted both Kendall and Maria not to make a scene or a spectacle of themselves or him at this time – and the rest could be worked out when his own wounds weren't quite so fresh. Derek and he had shaken hands, with the chief agreeing to contact Zach when or if he had any new information to share and then parted ways.
Zach had found his way to the elevator in an urgent quest to remove himself from the cold and suffocating building, needing to feel the warmth of the sun on his face and the breeze against his skin. He felt incomplete, though… Kendall was not by his side as she had been for so much of the last few weeks. He truly hadn't realized how much he accepted and enjoyed her constant presence in his life until its absence for even these few minutes – and he was anxious for her to finish her business with Maria and join him in the sun to help him decide their next course of action. Our course… for now at least, I can still think of it as ours, he thought to himself as he sat on a stone bench in the courtyard. He held his face to the sun with his eyes closed while he waited for his wife to rejoin him, trying not to notice the pain that the thought of her permanent absence caused.
Kendall stepped out of the hospital with the same reaction as Zach to the bright sunshine, shading her eyes and glancing around for him. She had not even consciously tried to look for him, instinctively knowing that he would seek the warmth and light outside of the hospital. She smiled softly when she spied him on the bench and quickly joined him, seating herself quietly and waiting for him to acknowledge her presence. She didn't have long to wait as he put his arm around her and pulled her close, laying his face against her hair and inhaling deeply.
"Did you find Maria?" he asked quietly.
"No… they said she was 'scrubbing in.' Must have been an emergency," she answered. "I left my cell number with her service. You doing okay?"
"I'm fine… glad to be out of there, though," he replied. "We need to get you back to The Seasons. I'm sure the news is out by now and one of us needs to be there… Edie can handle things efficiently, but circumstances like these call for an owner's presence."
"Zach… Ethan was your son. Everyone will understand that we are needed elsewhere," Kendall said firmly. "My place is with you… and there is a lot we need to take care of."
"No… there's not much to do yet. We have a few days until the autopsy is complete, and Derek is doing his investigation so we can't even go through his things at the Valley Inn until the police have finished," he said. He patted his jacket, "I have a list of mortuaries… and I can do that alone."
"You're not doing anything alone, Zach," Kendall said vehemently.
"I can make the calls and pick one out by myself… then you'll go with me to meet with them and make the necessary arrangements," he answered simply. "Fair enough?"
Kendall nodded and said, "Fair enough. We'll go back to The Seasons and I'll show my face and answer their questions. Will you please stay in the penthouse? Once the wire services get wind of Ethan's death they'll be crawling all over the casino to get to you."
"You're right… we need to issue a statement. I'll work on that with Edie while you do the meet and greet," he said. At the look of irritation on Kendall's face he added, "…from the penthouse. I promise I won't show my face, even in the offices."
She leaned forward and kissed him lightly, "Thank you. Now give me the keys… I'm driving back."
He tried to give her a look of annoyance but was unable to maintain it as he handed over the keys without comment. He was very tired, it had been nearly 36 hours since he'd slept – and considering the reason for their visit to the hospital that morning, it was easy to admit he shouldn't be behind the wheel of an automobile.
"Don't get used to this… I'm not always going to give in so easily," he said.
She laughed lightly as they walked toward the vehicle, "I'm only worried about right now… if you won't take care of yourself I'll do it for you. And I have one more request… I want you to rest on the drive back – and that means eyes closed."
He stopped walking which forced her to stop and turn around to look at him. "Kendall… I know what you're trying to do, and I appreciate it… but I will not hide from this. You can't protect me from it either… or use that protection to hide yourself."
"Zach… you don't have to force yourself to face it all at once either. The crash site will be there every time we drive to The Seasons… it's not going away. It was bad enough driving in when it was on the opposite side of the road. But do you really want to see it with hazard signs and police tape surrounding it?" she said firmly. "I'm not hiding from anything… and I don't want you to hide… but if you are so determined to do everything in the most painful way possible, even you will not survive."
"Come here," he said softly, opening his arms to her as they stood in the aisle of the parking lot. She stepped into his arms without hesitation and he pulled her close, kissing her forehead before saying, "Thank you for taking such good care of me. I promise that I will rest, and I will take care of things from the penthouse – but I will not hide."
"Okay," she answered grudgingly. "Promise that you'll come to me when you need me… don't try to be all stupid and male… okay?"
"Stupid and male?" he said, his lips curling into a half smile. "I'm really not sure how to take that… but I won't shut you out, if that's what you mean…. And you have to promise not to get all silly and female and shut me out… okay?"
She frowned at him a moment before answering, "Okay." Without another word she hurried toward the SUV. Zach assisted her in climbing behind the wheel of the tall vehicle before he reclined the passenger seat for a brief nap during their drive back to The Seasons, silently acquiescing to her request.
After an uneventful drive in which she studiously avoided looking toward the crash site, Kendall parked Zach's SUV at the rear of the casino. From there they could enter the hotel through a service entrance and minimize the number of people they would encounter on their way to the penthouse. Fortunately, she had thought to contact Edie by cell phone to explain their plans and have her direct the staff to keep guests and curiosity seekers out of their way. Their passage was without incident but they both sighed with relief upon gaining the privacy of the penthouse suite where a light lunch awaited them.
Kendall picked up the house phone and called Edie to thank her for the meal and arrange her afternoon schedule while Zach seated himself at the table – not eating but reviewing the list that had been provided at the morgue. Once Kendall ended the call and joined him, he pushed it aside and quietly watched his wife nibble on her lunch.
"Zach! You need to eat something," Kendall berated him kindly.
"I know… but it's so much more enjoyable to watch you," he said. "I'm not very hungry. You're going to make me eat before you leave, aren't you? Alright, alright… I'll eat… but you have to quit hovering."
"I like hovering… makes me feel needed… and…" she paused, looking down at her plate as if in embarrassment.
"…and?" Zach prompted.
"…and I don't have to think… about… everything… if I'm busy taking care of you," she whispered.
Zach reached out and lifted her chin with his forefinger until she looked him in the eyes saying, "Don't do that… I know how hard this is on you… I just wish you didn't have to… I'm sorry that I've caused you so much pain."
"And don't do that either," she answered. "At the risk of speaking ill of the dead… it was Ethan who caused my pain… and yours."
Zach nodded without answering, but made a show of eating his salad – proving by his actions that he cared about her feelings. While he continued to eat, she moved about the penthouse restlessly, unwilling to leave but unable to settle on something to be done while there. Finally, she walked over to him and placed her hand on his shoulder. When he looked at her curiously, she leaned down and kissed him.
After returning her kiss he asked, "Was that for anything special? …or just because?"
"…just because," she answered. "I'm going downstairs to the casino. I was hoping that Mother and Jackson had checked out, but they haven't. I've got this feeling that nobody's going to leave until they see me to say goodbye."
"I think you're right," Zach answered as he pushed back his chair. "Before you go… I've got something for you. I was saving it… but I think now is a good time."
He walked over to a credenza and opened a drawer, pulling out a long, thin jeweler's box. He carried it over to Kendall and opened it for her to see a delicate gold chain containing a small pendant of their entwined initials. She gasped before taking it from the box and turning her back to him so that he could clasp it around her neck. Once he had finished fastening the clasp, she turned once again to face him, touching it gently with her fingers before standing on tiptoes to kiss him, using her other hand to caress his cheek.
"Zach… it's so beautiful… thank you," she whispered before walking over to a mirror and admiring it.
He came to stand behind her and placed his hands lightly on her shoulders, "Have I told you lately what a lucky man I am? This is to say thank you… for making our marriage such a pleasure. I know it isn't the right time for such a gift, but I was hoping it would remind you that I'm close by when the lions try to devour you."
A smile tugged at the corner of her lips as she tried to remain serious in reply, "It's better than an entire suit of armor… I'll be fine, Zach."
"I know you will… but I like being by your side and watching you be fine," he answered. He pulled her back against him, placing his lips against her hair and inhaled deeply before watching her leave the room. How was he ever going to let her go?