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/ "Scar tissue….It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it, we have something to hide" / -Girl, Interrupted
Summer walks up the stairs of the Nichol mansion. She glances at her watch. It 3 'o' clock in the afternoon; Marissa should be awake, wrong. Summer enters Marissa's room. She's sleeping.
"Coop! Coop! Get up!" Summer tries to shake her awake, but is surprised when Marissa slaps her hand away.
"Don't touch me!" Marissa snaps as she gets up without realizing who it was. She looks at the person who had just awoken her. "Sorry, Summ. I didn't know it was you" Marissa says gently.
Summer who is surprised and scared at the same time says, "It's ok." Summer sits on the edge of Marissa's bed. "Coop, ew, you're sweating like crazy."
Marissa wipes a bead of sweat from her fore-head. "Yeah, it's burning up in here."
"Are you kidding? You're mom has the A/C on like full blast. It's like 50 degrees in here, not really, but you get my point."
"Yeah." Marissa says dully.
Summer sees a trash can next to the bed. "Ewww gross. What's that?" Summer points to the trash can.
"Oh, sorry." Marissa picks up the trash can and puts in in the shower to wash out. "I was throwing up last night and I was too weak to get up, so yeah."
"You were throwing up again?"
"Yeah, I think I'm sick."
"Yes, you are." Summer looks at Marissa gravely and knowingly. "You using it again aren't you?"
"No."
"Yes you are."
"Damn it, I said I'm not!"
Summer gets up from the bed and walks to Marissa. Summer grabs Marissa's arm. "No? Then what are these?" She reveals Marissa's inner arm. Marissa pulls her arm back.
"They're from the last time." Marissa lies.
"They're fresh."
"No they aren't."
"Marissa." Summer says sternly.
"They're not." Marissa defends.
Summer looks toward the bed. She sees a syringe hidden under the bed. She walks back to the bed, bends down and carefully picks up the syringe. "Then what is this?"
Marissa stays silent.
Summer drops the needle. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Look at you? In all honesty, you look like crap."
"Thanks." Marissa says sarcastically.
"You do. You used to be one of the most beautiful girls in Newport, in Orange County. And now, now you're just another O.C druggie." Summer slightly shakes her head. "I bet you haven't washed your hair in days. It's not combed. You have no make-up. What happened to you?"
"There are more important things than being beautiful or presentable or any other of that useless shit."
"Yeah, there is, like staying alive." Summer starts to get emotional. "Look at you Marissa, you're dying. You're barely living."
"Maybe that's the way to live." Marissa says simply.
"You are my best friend and I love you. I don't want to lose you."
Marissa looks away. "I can't stop."
"Yes you can."
"No, I can't! It's not that easy! I'm used to it now, it's apart of me! If I don't take it I feel like I'm dying, but when I'm on it, I'm living. I need it to function."
"You're barely functioning right now! You call missing showers, sleeping till the afternoon and freaking out on me, functioning?" Summer walks to Marissa and grabs her hands. "Is this about Ryan?"
"I thought we agreed not to talk about him."
"Is this about Ryan?"
"No." Marissa looks away.
"Marissa, look at me. It's Summer, remember me? We tell each other everything. Is this about Ryan?"
Marissa looks back to Summer. "Maybe. But not just that. I have to live here with my mom, who I really hate, and Caleb, who I hate even more and who is forcing me to live in this hell hole. So I'm not going to be all happy and act as if everything is all peachy when it's not, not even close. You don't know what I've been through and sometimes I wonder maybe you never really knew me at all. So save it and don't act like you do. You don't know how hard it is for me. I can't even accept what I've been through because if you compare my life to everyone else's, it's not fair." Marissa emotions take over. She lets the tears shed that had been locked away for months. She's never let anyone close enough to open up to."Sometimes I feel like falling asleep and not waking up ever. Sometimes I close my eyes and pray that they don't open again, hoping that I go to a better place. / I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. /"
Summer is shocked by her confession. "Marissa-"
"I used to wish that for one day, one fucking day, that I could feel something other then what I feel right now. I wished to feel nothing and I found it. I like the way it feels to not feel at all. I love how all my problems go away with one shoot. I'm just trying to make the shit stop. But I hate how it all comes tumbling back to me when it wears out; I hate it when I finally come back and realize there's nothing good left anymore. "
Summer's eyes fill with tears. Marissa's right. No one will ever know what it's like to be her. No one will ever know exactly how she feels. Summer does the only things best friends know how to do, and that is to try to comfort. "Coop." Summer walks to Marissa and hugs her as her best friend finally lets it all out. "You're going to get through this."
Marissa takes the shoulder that's given to her. She hasn't had a shoulder to cry on in a while. "You promise?"
"I promise. What ever you need."
Marissa pulls back and looks at her best friend. Marissa struggles to say it, but she does. "I need help."
"Then we'll get you it. But no more."
"No more, I promise."
"I believe you."
"Thank you."
"Anything."
"If you don't mind, I actually want to take a shower." Marissa smiles lightly.
"Good, cause you're starting to get a little musty, Coop."
Marissa gives a weak laugh; a weak, but for the first time in a while, a real laugh.
Marissa grabs some clothes and a towel and heads to the bathroom. She closes the door, locks it and turns on the shower. She strips down and before entering the shower she notices blood on her face as she passes the mirror. She looks in the mirror and sees blood coming from her nose. She quickly wipes it off and steps into the shower. Suddenly she starts to cough. One cough turns into two, two turns into three and so on. She's coughing so hard it feels as thought she's coughing her insides out. She sits down in the tub until her coughing subsides. She sobs into her hands and mumbles into her hands, "Why me?"
Quitting is going to be a lot tougher than imagined. It's been only 7 hours since her last fix and she's feeling it.
Boy is she feeling it. This is going to be one hard journey.