It wasn't until she had pulled into the parking lot at The Seasons that Kendall realized she was heading toward the casino. Her mind was in such turmoil that she had just gotten in the car and driven straight there. She sat in her seat without removing the seatbelt for a few minutes before deciding her next move. She should have headed straight back to the condo, faced Zach and told him the news. She should have… but she didn't. Just as Zach was trying to protect her, it was time for her to protect him. They had only ever had once had a discussion about children… and about how their marriage was to remain childless. How did she walk into their home and announce that she was pregnant? How did she tell him that… and make him believe that she was just as surprised as he? She was Kendall Hart – known for acting first and thinking later, and known for making impulsive choices. Zach would surely believe that she had done this to trap him and hold him to her… and as soon as the trap was sprung, he would be gone… running far and fast to get away from her grasping and greedy claws.
Kendall slowly walked toward her office at the casino… an office that would remain hers even if they divorced, thanks to the generous pre-nuptial agreement they had signed. She'd lose Edie… Despite their very good working relationship, Edie's loyalty to Zach was unquestioned. Running the casino without Edie was not a situation that Kendall looked forward to, but it was something that she could do. I wonder how gamblers feel about pregnant owners. She wondered to herself. This is crazy… I haven't even told Zach and I'm already imagining him running away as fast as his legs can carry him. She had to get hold of herself, she needed some time to think calmly and rationally… to look at the circumstances and come up with the right way to tell Zach the truth. Their marriage had been based on honesty… it had to stay that way.
Just as she hadn't consciously directed the car toward the casino, she was not at that moment directing her feet either. Instead of entering her office she continued past it and into the hotel, not stopping until she reached the sanctuary of the casita room. She pulled the key card from her purse and let herself into that place where she felt peace. When she was locked into the room, she looked around and breathed deeply feeling safe and protected from the rest of the world. Seating herself on the sofa and looking toward the fireplace, she imagined for a moment that Zach was with her. In her mind's eye she saw him creating a roaring fire before joining her on the sofa and wrapping up with her in a throw while he warmed her with his arms. Closing her eyes, she could almost feel his breath on her neck, his lips against hers, his body holding her close. She moaned softly and lay on the sofa, curled into a tight ball with her arms wrapped around herself. Her tears soon became a storm of weeping as she was wracked with sobs. Kendall Hart… loser at love, she thought disconsolately. She had allowed herself to believe that maybe Kendall Slater would have better luck, but no… here she was again. Only this time she wasn't just facing the fallout from her failure alone – she was facing it with a child. And that poor child would have her as a mother, what am I going to do?
After allowing herself the luxury of tears, she sat up and wiped her face with her hands. Then she forced herself to think rationally, or as rationally as she was capable. She needed to make a plan, to figure out what and how to tell Zach… and how to convince him to stay with her. That's it, she thought, it's time to tell him that I've fallen in love with him. Do I say "I love you" first… or tell him about the baby? Will he think that this is a trick? Or that I'm trying to trap him? If he believes that I lied to him then we'll lose him forever. We… I'm already thinking of the baby as part of me… and this baby deserves to have Zach for a father. I have to find a way to make him understand.
Kendall finally pulled the breaks on the runaway train of her thoughts. She forced herself to breathe deeply and think about her marriage to Zach. They had promised each other to be truthful and to trust each other, and they had. They had built something together, something strong… something they both needed and wanted. He had no reason to distrust her… and even though it would be a surprise… okay, it would be a shock… but they could weather this. How would I have reacted to the news of a brain tumor if I feel this way about a baby? She couldn't help but smile when she thought of that… but it still didn't resolve her dilemma. How many more hits can Zach take?
It was time to think calmly and consider what was best for them all. When she had been deciding whether or not to marry Zach, she had made a list of pros and cons… weighed them against each other and found the right choice. A choice she had only lived to embrace more fully and never regretted for a single moment. Maybe that was what she should do again… make a list, make a plan, and find a way to convince Zach that this child was a blessing. They had never planned for or even wanted children… but here they were, despite their best efforts to the contrary, about to become parents. This child may not deserve to have her as a mother, but it deserved to have Zach for a father. And maybe she could learn to be a mother… with time and patience and love, the things that Zach had taught her, the things that Zach had given her. They were being entrusted with a child and it deserved to have both of its parents. Somehow she had to make Zach see this as the gift that it was.
She opened a drawer in a table by the sofa to pull out paper and a pen. How did I do it last time? The negatives first… get the bad stuff out of the way. Okay… first of all, we agreed not to have children. That was a big one, and was the one she kept coming back to over and over again. He had very specifically asked her not to become pregnant, and had mirrored her stated desire to never have children with similar sentiments. After having Ethan for a son, could she blame him for not wanting a child? Move on, Kendall. Second… Erica. It took Mother so long to accept Miranda… but she was the child of rape, this baby is a child of love. There is no comparison. Kendall placed her hand over her abdomen and closed her eyes for a moment. Oh, yes… this child was definitely conceived in love. Except that Erica hates the baby's father… and she cannot bear the thought of any Cambias in our lives. Erica deludes herself that Miranda is only Kane. Well… she'll just have to have the same delusions about this baby, too. I suppose that Ethan needs to be on the list, too. He was the catalyst for everything that had happened between her and Zach. Ethan was a lousy son, and he's probably the reason Zach doesn't want children. And Ethan wasn't even his son. Next… Kendall Hart. Not exactly the picture perfect candidate for mother of the year. Not a maternal bone or instinct resides inside… how does someone so woefully inadequate at taking care of herself care for and raise a child? Finally, Zach. Admittedly a lousy father, but then again, look what he had to work with… a grown son with a chip on his shoulder the size of Gibraltar. He was a lousy father to Ethan… but he's a wonderful uncle to Miranda. That baby adores him. She'd only ever been with him three or four times, but there was no guile in her. No way could she be faking how much she loves him… Okay, that one definitely needs to go on the positives list.
Kendall drew a line down the middle of the page and looked at the five items she had listed on the negative side. Besides the agreement not to have children, they were all names of people, Erica, Ethan, Kendall and Zach – and in the end Erica and Ethan didn't count. Now it's time to come up with all the reasons that I can give Zach for raising this child together. Their agreement not to have children was based on the concept of an open marriage… assuming that they would be free to discreetly have other partners. Their marriage had evolved beyond that and they had never availed themselves of that opportunity… and as far as she was concerned they never would. Love… we have so much love to give to this baby. She loved her husband and he loved her. So he hadn't realized it yet… but that didn't mean it wasn't true. Zach and I love each other and we created a child out of that love… that's what Zach needs to know and understand. Miranda… she was the proof that they could be parents. They adored that little girl, and she adored them right back. She deserved to have a cousin to grow up with and play with… and we deserve to have a child in our lives, too. That brought her back to herself… Kendall Slater. She had proven herself mature and capable; she was a wonderful aunt to Miranda and a good wife to Zach… a woman to be reckoned with… a woman who could make an incredible mother if she gave herself the chance. And of course, Zach… he deserves a chance to be a real father to his real child… not tricked into parenting a grown man who wasn't even his son.
It was easy enough… and this list wasn't even necessary – although it was good to see it in writing. She knew deep down in her heart that she wanted this baby and that she was glad that she was pregnant. She understood finally how Bianca must have felt, loving her child without reservation. This baby is proof of my love for Zach… and of his love for me. That's really all she needed to know. It was time to tell Zach she loved him, and to make him see that he loved her too. Once he realizes the truth… everything else will fall into place. She'd go back to the condo and tell Zach that she had seen Maria, and tell him that she was pregnant. Everything was going to be okay… this baby was a sign they had needed, the one that proved everything was going to work out… and that they belonged together.
Kendall rose from the couch and walked around the room, her fingers lightly brushing the furniture as she remember the times she and Zach had stayed there and at the real casita in Nevada. She opened the door to the bedroom and looked on the replica four-poster bed. She walked over and picked up a patterned throw and inhaled the masculine aroma of her husband before wrapping herself in it. She stretched out on the bed and closed her eyes, falling asleep easily for the first time since Ethan's death.