Lord of the Rings
The "Guys Who Follow Frodo" Fellowship
Before you read this I swear I tried to keep it consistent with the original storyline of the movie. I swears by the precious I does! Anyway…. Mines more accurate to the real one even if J.R.R. Tolkien thought his modification was more interesting. Mines better! Oh and… MWHAHAHAHAH!
You all know how it starts: the Jedi are fighting the dark lord Sauron and all seems lost until Barbie's son, Isildur chopped the hand of Sauron off. Sauron saw this as the perfect opportunity to turn into a giant eye and look at people menacingly. Well Barbie mourned for thousands of days over the loss of her dear beloved hairbrush that an orc used as a…. uh…. Bum itch scratcher. But she didn't care about Elendil (father of Isildur for you people who think books are a waste of time) dying and proposed to Isildur. But he thought that if he married his mother he would be considered a bit modern and refused and married the ring. Barbie killed him and took the ring but melted in the sun and the ring fell into the river.
Deagle (yes, Deagle, as stupid as that may sound) picked up the ring cause he had nothing else better to do. But his best friend, Smeagol killed him cause he had nothing better to do and buried the body. Five days later he came back and unburied Deagol to get back the two cents Deagol owed him but found the ring. Thinking that it was worth two cents he took it and left the money. But forgot to rebury the body and later left the village due to the stink. Then he slowly turned skinny but remained as ugly as ever. Even Alf thought he needed to go on 'extreme makeovers' to stop him from looking so CG.
Now to the present where an ugly little hobbit is sitting under an apple tree. An apple fell on Frodo's head. He jumped up.
"I have discovered…" he took a deep breath. "GRAVITY!"
Gandalf hit him on the head with his staff.
"How dare you discover a scientific fact! It takes away the job of wizards! Now ride in my carriage so people don't suspect me."
"Suspect you for what?"
"Carrying radioactive material." He said pointing to his fireworks.
"That's glowing!"
"Only slightly!"
So Frodo rode with Gandalf through the shire desperately trying to ignore the giant squirrels walking by and eating little children. Soon giant squirrels with laser eyes and glowing shoes ruled the shire.
"Gandalf you have to stop testing nuclear devises on the shire! The children look like monkeys and Sam doesn't need scissors to cut grass anymore!"
"Not my fault your children are ugly and you named your cow Sam and taught it to use scissors!"
"I was talking about Sam Gamgee!" Frodo said pointing to his garden where Sam and Sam where fighting over which side of the grass they should have to eat.
Alf popped up from nowhere.
"Yeah, and my nose has less hair!"
"Leave me alone!" Gandalf yelled.
"Now who can't handle the pressure of an alien stalking you every night and day!"
"Look I'm sorry I paid ET to kill you but you came back from the dead so everything's okay?"
"Okay! Lets be friends!"
"Never fool!" Gandalf said as he zapped him with his staff.
"Won't be seeing him again." Frodo thought.
Blah Blah Blah Bilbo meets Gandalf Blah Blah Blah fight to the death. Blah Blah Blah Blah Bilbo wins Blah Blah Blah.
At Bilbo's birthday party the squirrel guards were watching over the crowd as they broke rocks while singing 'happy birthday'. Then Bilbo got up.
"Welcome hobbits to my 111th birthday, I see you're participating in tonights activities set by the lovely squirrel lords. Well I'd like to say ha ha you suck and I'll be free! Goodbye!" he said as he put on the ring. "Whoops… forgot to switch it on!" he mumbled as he set it to "invisible."
Suddenly the squirrels grew real tall and the hobbits ran away while yelling in Japanese "Anata no jidósha no namae wa nan desuka?" which means, "What is the name of your car?" Seriously it does.
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Bilbo eats food Blah Blah Blah Gandalf rises from dead and takes the ring, kills Bilbo and sits in the corner saying precious continuously for days until he falls asleep. Frodo takes the ring and sets off to Mount kaboom, the volcano with the most uninspired and most unimaginative name in all of Middle Alf (Alf owns Middle Alf, It used to be Middle Dirt but his name for it is better! Everything Alf says is better… Alf knows all… We love Alf… Except Gandalf but he's dead now and can't hurt the precious Alf anymore….) Well Gandalf wasn't dead just dire need of beauty sleep, very dire need of beauty sleep. But miracles don't happen for wizards so he'll remain ugly for all eternity.
The previous paragraph was tampering with the little plot in this story so I'll just fill in a bit that happened just before and makes no sense cause it doesn't fit in the timeline thingy. Gandalf rode to Sauroman's tower, well… dirt mound. You see Peter Jackson is a cheap dirty little (word I'm not allowed to say) who only had a small budget when it came to making this 10-hour trilogy. He spent his $200 on a hairbrush. It broke instantly. There will be a day when the structural integrity of hairbrush becomes suitable for hippies and slobs like Peter Jackson, but it is not this day! While we're on the topic of things that need to change, they should put the "backspace" button one space lower so you don't continuously hit \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\. Anyway Gandalf rode up to Sauroman's dirt mound on his wooden stick with a fake horse head at the end of it and started speaking as if this movie was dubbed in English.
"How dare u turn to the dark-side oh honourable master Sauroman?"
"Patience young grasshopper, the lawnmower of justice shall arrive on swift BBQ wheels for those who do not believe in the ways of: CROucHing DruNk, HiddEn SnIpeR!" replied Sauroman.
And so started: THE BATTLE OF THE MOUSTACHES!
Commentator: "oh this is going to be great! 2 wonderfully stupid looking idiots have gathered here today to fight out to the haircut by making stupid faces! This is going to be the greatest battle of the moustaches I've ever seen! Gandalf starts with an "I'm really constipated" look followed by a "look at my puffy cheeks, I look like a fat idiot who ate too much cheese" face. This is going to be hard to beat! But what? Sauroman is using "uncle tobys rollout sours"! Is that legal? And he just ate the whole thing! This isn't a face of "I'm so stupid as to eat all the unripe lemons" it's a "what is this I just put in my mouth?" face and I think Gandalf is down for the count! No wait! He's getting up! Oh wow! He's doing the hardest face yet! "I've gone insane do to too much listening to 60's and 70's music!" we he pull it off or die un-dramatically and embarrassed like so many demented looking freaks? Oh no! He fails! He'll never live this down! He's lost a battle that's so strangely got a name that has nothing to do with it! I'd like to end tonight with a few special words that I hope will remain in your hearts forever: black peppercorn spoiled hate number yellow! Goodnnnnnnigghhhhhhhhttttt St. Louise!
Now that we've ended that saga about the BATTLE OF THE MOUSTACHES! We can move on to Sam, Sam and Frodo, the master of Sam. They travelled to Bree. Hoping to find "The drunkinsh shign makarrrrrr+";;./………+." Or "The Inn that's in" neither were really registered with the local counsel so it wasn't the best place to be if the local police or concerned citizen decided to get off their worthless butts and do something besides rock back and forth on rocking chairs cursing at the walls and\or talking back to them.
Just then the writer discovers that he has 10 hours of film to change into insanely stupid and plot-less drivel that makes useless losers laugh and not care about their wasted lives they could of spent doing something instead of sitting in-front of a screen reading stories that could cause some seriously large lawsuits if the stupid lawers stopped looking at porn sites and started looking at some thing funny for once.
Frodo scolded Sam for complaining about how unfair it is that Sam the cow should be carrying him instead of vice versa. Then they entered "The drunkinsh shign makarrrrrr+";;./………+." And saw merry and pippin dancing on stools while smoking pot. Merry fell and took a near fatal fall of 2 feet, luckily his incredibly bushy hair and the unusually high density of the air caused by all the smoke saved his life. Hobbits are so short cause of the immense pressure caused by all the smoke left after they get high, that and their really annoying welshian accent got them continuously beaten downwards by big idiots called "Americans" so not a single hobbit was free from incredibly compacted vertebrae and the eternal sense of brotherhood and being one with nature. But if ever a local forest is in need of short fat men with dreadlocks just call the number at the bottom of your screen and the hippie patrol will come to the immediate vicinity and ask for pot where any real-estate agent can be found! Any way, back to Merry's broken and bruised and bloody and short, little, tiny, drug injected body with a un-emotional and amazingly well acted Pippin pretending to be sad and crying. But all was not lost cause I said his hair and the immensely dense atmosphere saved him so he has to be ok. So the writer, desperately trying to find a way to bring him back looks to his left and sees a can of coke sitting there. A nice wet cold and refreshing can of coke… oh right and starts to type.
Merry jumped up and started to do the chicken dance. While everyone looked away cause the very site of someone doing a dance so horrible as that made their eyes BURN! HA HA HA! I'LL BURN YOU…. I … mean, in the stir of the moment he quickly grabbed some ones can of coke and drank it.
"I'll never die as long as there's a smooth can of calcium leaching, tongue burning, stomach convulsing can of coke around to cause extreme brain haemorrhages!" he said. He then winked at an "imaginary" camera that is not monitoring your every move and knows your every secret!
"Hey! Who took my coke?" said the drunken bum who Merry had "borrowed" that coke from.
"Lets party!" said some random person.
Simon and Garfunkle came out from no-where and started to beat-box. Simultaneously a disco ball and laser lights came out of the roof and it was like it was the 70's and mullets were still popular. Wow. Who ever said hobbits can't break dance, was right. Frodo was so scared by the flashing colours and freaky haircuts that he went insane and started to break dance and broke several bones and was trampled on by hippies who were so high they thought they were flying.
27 people died that day from falling off cliffs. All the victims tested positive on drugs and their rotting corpses were sentenced for death or until they make too much of a smell and start killing off the other prisoners.
Frodo, Sam, Sam, Merry, Pippin and their newly made friend: Elmo were running away from Bree to escape police inquiries into last night's pot party. When out of nowhere Aragorn appears cause, well he has to.
"Hi! I'm Aragorn and I think I have a memory problem… Hi! I'm Aragorn and I think I have a memory problem… Hi! I'm Aragorn and I think I have a memory problem…" he said while smiling like he'd just taken a whiff of a hippies not so secret stash.
"Hello Aragorn." Replied Frodo.
"How did u know my name?… Hi! I'm Aragorn and I think I have a memory problem…"
"Great! A retard with a memory problem! You wouldn't be from New Zealand would you? I hear they're really stupid."
Aragorn thought for a second. That second turned to a minute. Then from a minute that thought spawned into an hour long thought. By the end he opened his mouth as if he was about to give a long and great speech but instead said. "Hi! I'm Aragorn and I think I have a memory problem!"
"Elmo wants to kill you!" Elmo yelled in his cute little voice that sends a chill down little kids spines every time he speaks.
Kids watch Elmo cause he secretly threatens them when their parents aren't watching. He says "Watch Sesame Street or I'll shoot you with my gun!"
But Aragorn had never watched Sesame Street and saw this as no threat and so Frodo, Sam and Sam continued their journey while Elmo clawed Aragorn's eyes out of his sockets and scratched his face off. And they never heard from him again… or so it seems… for now… he he he ha ha HA AH HA HA HA!
Those of you thinking that I'm insane are wrong! Dead wrong! I'm just on DRUGS!
And now a brief interlude.
Still interluding.
Meanwhile in the scariest place on earth, the theatre.
"We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of oz!"
"NOOOO! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! THE HORROR!" yelled everyone in the audience as they crawled over everyone trying desperately to get to the exit.
"IT'S LOCKED!"
"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"
Frodo walked across the rocks. Music played in the background. I stop and take a brake. Things look dramatic as they climb weather top. The sound of trumpets and violins starts to become deafening. All seems lost for no reason and then they make it to the top. Then all seems lost for an obvious reason. The ring wraiths were there, standing motionless with their swords drawn on a piece of paper, and Michael Jackson standing there in the middle.
"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT MICHAEL JACKSON!" the hobbits all screamed except Pippin.
"Who's Michael Jackson?"
Michael jumped into action and started to sing "off the wall"
"When the world is on your shoulder.
Gotta straighten up your act and boogie down.
If you can't hang with the feelin'.
Then there ain't no room for you in this part of town…"
All the hobbits except Pippin were holding their ears and rolling on the floor.
"MAKE IT STOP! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"
Pippin, being the idiot he is sang along.
"… So tonight gotta leave that nine to five upon the shelf.
And just enjoy yourself.
Groove, let the madness in the music get to you…"
Soon it was like a personal gig, only almost all the audience wanted to die.
"So D.J. spin the sounds.
There ain't no way that you're gonna sit us down.
Gonna dance 'til we burn this disco out."
"I'll save you!" said Aragorn as he appeared from the left.
But the power of Mikes songs were to evil that even Aragorn's thick scull could not stand them. Then, for no reason Michael spontaneously combusted and the world became a safer place for children. His millions of stolen, fake dollars (how else would he get them?) were shared through out 3rd world countries and poverty was a thing of the past. The molten plastic from his face flew onto the wraiths and they burst into flames. Aragorn quickly got out marshmallows.
"Use these. You'll need them."
They charged at the wraiths with marshmallows pointing forward and tried to cook them on the ring wraiths that were frantically running around in circles. Then of them just turned around and poked Frodo in the shoulder and jumped off the edge of where ever they were standing. The rest followed like sheep.
"Frodo!" Aragorn yelled extending his arms off the edge like he had tried to save someone from falling.
"Aragorn, hello, I'm behind you."
"I can still here his voice! I can still here him insulting me!" he started to cry.
"You're a complete and utter idiot, it would be better if just died, you smell like fish. I hate you and your thick scull!"
"Oh how will we get along with out him?" he cried as he turned and hugged Frodo. "HOW PIPPIN? HOW?"
They continued their journey to Rivendell, all that time Aragorn was carrying Frodo.
"Frodo, should we tell him that you're not dead?" whispered Pippin.
"No! I like being carried. I don't have to walk. Let the idiot think the elves can mystically bring me back to life."
Rivendell, the city of Santa's elves. Full of… trees and… elves. Anyway, Aragorn knocked on the door and an elf in a black suit and sunglasses answered the door.
"Hello Mr. Aragorn. We meet again."
More Hugo Weavings came from nowhere and all just stood there, staring at the confused man known as Aragorn.
"You died! I shot you! I whacked your head off and I made a hole in a strangely spacious building so I could try to punch your brains out!"
"Oh, did you now? Well the great thing about me is there's so many of me!"
He walked out from every direction into every balcony and every window.
"MAWAHAHAHA! You shall never marry my daughter! As long as I rule this world!"
"I'll give you ice-cream if you go away."
"OK."
They all disappeared but one.
"Right this way. She's been expecting you."
They walked into a strangely spacious room where Arwen was lifting weights.
Meanwhile, where Gandalf is. (Where is that?) Gandalf was busy trying to remember last night.
"Was she really even a woman? Did she even exist? Was I actually doing anything besides drinking? Will I ask another pointless question…? Yes, I think I have one more in me. Does the world make noises when it spins?"
Feeling quite relaxed from his fruitless search for answers he tried to get to his feet. He looked down.
"Oh no! My feet! They're gone!" he gasped. Then gasped again for a more suspenseful moment. Why can't you get suspenseful moments these days? Lifting his leg out of the mound of garbage known as the floor he hoped that his feet where attached still and weren't eaten by a new species that mutated under the "floor" and had never seen the light of day.
It was still attached, but it was missing a toe. Or had it always been like that? He didn't remember things so good when the army thought he had contact with an alien. This got him thinking about them drugging him. It only happened when aliens where nearby. But Alf was dead and there'd been no other aliens since Independence Day, 1999.
This was disturbing. He thought that maybe something was different in the land of Middle Alf. Something wrong.
Life was boring, no doubt about that, but it gets interesting when you've gone insane. Fortunately for bored old Gandalf he had. But Unfortunately for Mrs Wiggins' pot plants, he had.
Gandalf felt quite refreshed from his breakfast and decided to go do something. He then decided that the best course of action towards the prevention of the end of Middle Alf, was in fact, run in a circle constantly until he got a double hernia and had to miss out on the last few weeks of school before the holidays and, of course, the end of the world.
He unfortunately forgot that people as old as dinosaurs don't go to school and ended up in hospital with an aching pain that hurt, thinking he was the smartest wizard of all time.
After Arwen had explained the situation about the ring to Frodo and Sam, and several times to Aragorn. They knew what to do. Explain it to Aragorn, again.
Once they had done that. They explained a few more times. Then again.
"Oh no! The audience is getting bored!" yelled someone in the audience.
"Shut up," said Aragorn.
"But-"
"To a random fight scene!"
Ninjas jumped into action. Then no one was left alive. In the audience.
"Let's continue…! Hi! I'm Aragorn and I think I have a memory problem!"
"You said that 2 pages ago!"
"Gasp! How do you know?"
"Magic."
Later. On the BIG mountain. That's real big. That's called Mt. BIG. See how that's got a BIG M in Mt.? That's because it's big. Anyway.
"Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to work we go! Tra la la la la… something, something… la!" sang a deep and…. deep voice.
"Shut up, Gimli!"
"I didn't say anything! It was Legolas!"
"What's wrong with my singing?"
Brief interlude.
Brief interlude.
"Hi! I'm Aragorn! And I think I have a memory problem!"
Still interluding.
Sour guy, also known as… someone else. That bad guy who fights Yoda and is so bad that he can't even kill a puppet with a shiny mop.
Dictionary meaning: Shiny mop (n): 1: A shiny mop. 2: A bundle of coarse yarn, a piece of cloth or the like, fastened at the end of a stick or handle that is shiny. 3: A light sabre.
Back on shelf you go dictionary.
Well he was talking to himself due to too much pot. He didn't realise he was saying an ancient spell called "kill that annoying Gandalf" spell. Yeah, wizards don't give very good names to things. That spell was designed to kill Gandalf, who had constantly crashed other wizards' parties. Unfortunately, it never really worked.
But it nearly did, a snowflake flew into Gandalfs' eye.
"AAGGHH! My eye!"
This was a near death experience really. Have you ever had a snowflake in your eye? I haven't. But I assume that it being cold, it might feel cold.
Sauroman started dancing.
Frodo and his tag-a-longs reached the mines of moria. But… a door was in the way! Dun, dun, dun!
"What does it say Gandalf?" asked Frodo as he read from the script, most unenthusiastically.
"It says… ghyfdskkjvn milk!…. moomohfdggu!ghdatfb…. p"
"Which means?"
"Hams, eggs, bacons, milk! Some more pie please and… p"
"What?"
"It's obviously some 1988 French-Canadian Elvish slang for "Give me mellow milk for my daemonic rituals! P"
"Why is there a p at the end?"
"Do not dis' the P! Y'all should know what P means when u hear it? It means: shut your ugly face bob! I'm trying to graffiti this door!"
"If P means that, then why not see what it says below that?"
"I think that's quite inane, we must get mellow milk for daemonic rituals! You heard the door!"
"It says "push"" said Legolas in a deep voice.
"Shut up! I'm allowed to make a mistake!" Gandalf replied as Legolas opened the door.
Just then! A brief interlude started!
Brief interlude
Then! It stopped! A monster came out of the pond near the door and our "heroes" jumped into action with their guns! They jumped about shooting unlimited bullets into stone as they missed like in all matrix styled fight scenes.
One by one the agents died off… I mean… the octopus thing… died… yeah! Think about it!
Once the threat was over they went into the mines. Seeing nothing of interest, just thousands of dead and decaying bodies, they walked unhindered, except for the occasional crunch.
They came to a room. It had nothing of interest, not even the blood stained diary, giant tomb, dead bodies, obvious signs of a party, obvious signs of one last beer bottle that had no owner and even less interesting, obvious signs of an-all-out-fight-to-the-death-blood-bath between some orcs and little men. I think they were called "Asgard".
Then another matrix styled fight scene started.
Orcs ran around on the roof and shot bullets into pillars, cave trolls fired machine guns every where and Frodo and all the other non-orc\troll beings flew around the room bouncing off pillars and walls while shooting seemingly unlimited bullets.
The audience cheered, then went back to being dead.
Every one died except neo, cause he's the one.
Mindless zombies: "the one!"
And of cause, Frodo lives.
Mindless zombies: "the one!"
"Oh no! a Balrog!" yelled Gandalf pointing at the shiny light…. Shiny… oooohhhh!
Mindless zombies: "the one!"
They ran except for the Zombies who went "the one!" continuously until they were stepped on.
Then! A brief interlude started!
Brief interlude.
"That was amazing how we jumped all that way and did all those amazing things that… words cant describe cause they were so cool! Beamed Aragorn as arrows flew by his ears.
"Yes! I'm so glad we did such great things that words cannot describe! Now! I know a spell that will destroy the Balrog! But it might cost me my sanity!" said Gandalf as if he wanted them to decided wether or not he should go ahead.
"Well? What are you waiting for? To regain your sanity so this spell can make you lose it again?"
"Fine then!" Gandalf walked onto the bridge. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" he smashed his staff into the bridge and the Balrog looked at him. Nothing happened. Then the Balrog thought that this was a waste of time and turned around. The bridge snapped and he fell to his death.
"Well done Gandalf!" Frodo cheered.
"I can fly! Wwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Gandalf yelled as he jumped after the Balrog. "I'm flying! I'm flying! I'm flying! I'm falling!"
Arrows flew past every ones ears and Aragorn thought back to when he was a little boy… "If you can dodge a ball, you can dodge an arrow!" or was it the other way round? Anyway, Aragorn didn't care cause he was easily dodging them. Then! A brief interlude started!
Brief interlude.
"I'm so glad we got out alive by doing things so cool that words cannot describe! It's also fortunate that your skull stopped the arrow from reaching your brain Aragorn!" said Frodo.
"Yes! And it's also great that we saw things that words cannot describe as well. You would have had to be there to know how great that really was." Replied Pippin.
"A real shame no one saw that!"
"Hi! I'm Aragorn! And I think I have a memory problem!"
Later that day or month or some measurement of time, they were captured by elves, sentenced to death, later found innocent, and Borimir made a long and indistinct noise which may be interpreted as talking.
Then Frodo met Galadriel.
She was stoned!
She showed him her… birdbath?
"What will I see?" He asked.
"You talk funny!" she started to laugh. "No one knows." She said suddenly serious. "Not many people are sane enough to see things in birdbaths of any spiritual meaning without going on a murderous rampage afterwards. I've been stabbed twenty seven times! Anyway. You may see, the past, present, or things that may not have come to pass the health authorities expectations. Mainly McDonalds. You wouldn't believe how many times an over-sized, three-foot long, genetically modified French fry that has been under the deep fryers for over a year has stabbed me."
"Twenty seven?"
"Yes."
"All by psycho rampaging murderers?"
"No, just McDonald's staff… wait… yeah, psycho rampaging murderers." (There's no difference.)
Frodo looked into the birdbath. He saw nothing of importance, Just things about the end of the world and death of all who live among Middle Alf.
"I'll give you the ring."
"OK." She said with a smile on her face. Then, she turned blue and glowy. "Blah, blah, blah! And I shall be a queen! A blue queen! And sing songs with subliminal messages in!"
"Another one bites the dust" played in the background, and Frodo had a sudden urge to smoke marijuana.
Later on in life you think to yourself "how can that guy be so muscular and single?" or "how can that single guy kill all those bad guys without being hit?" well Aragorn is busy showing off his overly exaggerated strength and agility.
"Oh no! It's Aragorn! The one who can kill too many at a time!" yelled the innocently passing uruk-hai.
"Die seemingly innocent monsters!"
"That's it! We're stealing your children!"
They took two hobbits… any two… I don't care really… it's not like this has a plot.
Credits
Aragorn: some guy
Frodo: Fifth
Other people: yes, I believe there were some…
All cast and crew stayed at blue waters hotels… by their own free will…
"OW!"
"Shut up!"