Zach hit the bright lights as he turned off the highway onto the dirt and gravel road that would lead to the casita. He glanced at the clock on his dashboard and noted that it was no longer late night but early morning. He yawned briefly already anxious to sleep in his bed instead of another anonymous hotel room. Six days of driving from Pine Valley with no companionship except his own thoughts and memories had been more than even he could stand… especially when he would be leaving again after taking only a day to rest and renew at his desert retreat.
The anger and pain that had propelled him out of Pine Valley hadn't allowed any room for planning until it diminished after two days of driving and without any clear goal in his mind to act upon, he continued on his journey west. Each day was the same… driving during the day, stopping for meals when he felt hungry, and then pulling into roadside hotels and sleeping in utter exhaustion after the unremitting monotony of the drive. The only change throughout the miles was occasional heavy traffic surrounding cities and the variations he made between classical, jazz and classic rock music. Even worse than the unchanging landscape, though, was the way his mind replayed his marriage to Kendall… and filtered it through the lens of his finally admitted love for her.
So many of the memories were happy ones… but those made him immeasurably sad in reflecting on his loss. The very first time they had made love she had shown such abandon… they had learned to love each other wholly even as they had consumed that bottle of cognac. The unintended intimacy of a shared shower, a quiet meal and the way their bodies were drawn together even in sleep was more proof of their love. He remembered again how his heart skipped a beat when she smiled at him, her enchantment and exhilaration at learning to gamble… and the way her eyes told him when she wanted to be alone with him. In his dreams at night she came to him, kneading his shoulders with her hands and loosening the knots of tension brought on by his worries and fears before loving him… always loving him. He woke in a cold sweat calling her name… his arms holding the phantom woman he wasn't certain he could live without.
To be sure there were sad memories as well, but he had to reach back into their past… back to when they had first met each other. He had to relive his unkindness to her, his suspicions about Michael's death and the way he used her worst fears and insecurities against her to protect Ethan. Somewhere in the midst of even that, he had found something within her that fascinated him. Although she was fragile, even that was deceptive as she kept recovering from the blows of life – and shared her love and compassion with people she cared for while they rejected and despised her. Ryan, Greenlee, Ethan, JR… she had shown them a level of caring that they did not deserve but she did it because she loved them… and only asked for their kindness in return. Then he remembered how he nearly lost himself after Ethan's death, but Kendall was the one who wouldn't let him go… wouldn't allow him to fall into the abyss he had first created when he heard of Michael's death. After losing Ethan he would have fallen in and lost himself completely if it hadn't been for Kendall… she had saved him.
Did she know that she loved him, too? He wondered if she had been as self-deluding as he had. Because once his eyes were opened to the depth of his love for her, he knew that she felt the same for him. Part of what had made their marriage so successful was the love and consideration each felt toward the other. It could not have happened if only one of them had loved… as Kendall had with so many men in her life. She gave of herself completely, and those men had taken. He had taken, too… but he had given back to her as well. He was honest enough to know that he had given her a measure of strength and confidence that no other man had allowed her to have. He had placed his trust in her… given her things that were precious to him and trusted that she would take care of them. Not precious in terms of monetary value… but things that he could ill-afford to lose – his heart, his soul… and his love. She had held them and protected them… cared for them and treated them gently. Her love had held him together just as his love had strengthened her.
How much had he hurt her by leaving? When she discovered his desertion… how had she handled it? He had tried to reach her finally, but it was three days after his escape. Even though he knew that the telephone was not the way to make up for what he had done… he had still tried. The casino said that she was absent indefinitely and directed his call to Edie – but he only wanted to speak with Kendall and hung up. The telephone at the condo was never answered and he could not bring himself to leave a message. She had not been seen at Fusion, and he would not call anyone else. How did he ask her forgiveness on a machine? Did he even have the right to ask it of her? Did he have the right to fight for their marriage? He had done the leaving… but she had said she wanted to be free. Would the desire to honor her wishes count in his favor? He had promised Myrtle he wouldn't leave… but he had promised Erica he wouldn't stand in Kendall's way. What was the right thing to do for Kendall? She deserved her freedom from him, because he had only brought her pain and sadness… her health problems proved that she had suffered from being his wife. Did he have the right to ask her to stay with him? His tortured thoughts went on and on without answer as he continued to drive west. That was the only constant in his life, driving west to reach the casita as if it held the answers he sought.
Now he was nearly there… in a little while he would be at his favorite place in the world and he would lie in a bed he had last shared with Kendall. There would be no escape from her at the casita… their single visit there and time spent at the recreated casita room at The Seasons meant that he would be surrounded by memories even stronger than the ones evoked by a song or a scent as he drove. She would be there in every way except the one that mattered… but he would stay there only briefly. He would allow himself enough time to rest, to visit the desert and to gain strength before returning to Pine Valley… and to Kendall. He didn't know if he deserved her, and admitted that he probably did not… but he would see her and talk to her. If she let him – and she would let him – he would plead his case and ask her forgiveness… and declare his love. He would not walk away without a fight… he would not keep a promise that would cause them both so much pain. Long ago he had promised Maria that if she left, he would not follow… the pain that promise had caused proved it was not worth repeating. This time his love was stronger and deeper… there were no secrets, no lies and no half truths between them… everything was crystal clear. It was time for him to make a stand. He would not lose this woman who meant more to him than his own life.
As headlights illuminated the casita, his heart leapt with the joy he always felt at coming home… for this place was the closest thing to home he had ever known. Once he would have said it was only home while he was with Maria, but Kendall had proved how wrong that was. It was home because he loved it and it loved him… as it had loved Maria… as it loved Kendall now. He would return to Pine Valley and bring Kendall back to the casita where they could spend time together in loving each other. He would be able to prove his love to her in that place… he smiled and nodded his head as he accepted that his plan would not be complete until he brought her back to the casita and made her see the truth of their love and the rightness of their life together.
He parked his car next to a dirty and dusty jeep that he hadn't seen before. It was late and he was tired, but he would speak to the caretaker the next day about keeping his vehicle by the stables. He chuckled to himself and wondered if the caretaker used the main house when he was away – he had not called ahead to have the place readied for him. He didn't really mind, that the place continued to be well cared for was what ultimately mattered. Leaving his luggage in the car, he entered the house quickly… he could feel the extra hours spent on the road that day in the aching of muscles more than fatigued from days of relative inactivity. He stretched and worked his arms and legs and back for a few minutes before turning down the hallway toward the kitchen.
Turning on the lights, he opened the refrigerator and found it stocked with staples before pulling out a bottle of beer and some bread to make a sandwich. He paced the kitchen as he ate; enjoying the feeling of movement and renewed circulation in his arms and legs. Almost deciding to take a walk to the stables to visit the horses, he was caught off guard by a yawn and realized that he was more than ready for sleep. Turning out the lights he made his way through the living room and down the hallway toward his bedroom, dimly lit by the brightness of a full moon shining in the window.
He entered the bedroom and noticed a slight form lying prone in his bed. Too small to be his caretaker, he groaned inwardly at the inconvenience and walked around the far side of the bed to rouse the unsuspecting sleeper – wondering if it was a lost traveler or some friend given a spare room. His hand paused in midair as he recognized the face of his wife… and stood in shocked silence while he tried to persuade himself that she was a hallucination. After closing his eyes and shaking his head, he saw that she was still lying there quietly sleeping and knew that he needed to do something to dispel the image… or risk a complete descent into madness.
He crouched next to the bed and leaned his head toward her sleeping face, placing gentle lips against hers and losing himself completely as she responded to his kiss with one of her own. Before his mind could even accept that she was not an illusion, her arms entwined themselves around his neck and pulled him close as she opened her mouth and gave him a passion for which he was unprepared. Without breaking the kiss he joined her on the bed, pulling her against him and rubbing his hands down the length of her body… somewhere his mind registered that she was wearing nothing except a t-shirt which was quickly discarded. Without a word between them his hands were clumsily joined by Kendall's in removing his shirt and remaining clothing before she pressed herself against him… stirring and rousing him as he did her. The time apart had only heightened their need for each other and they found themselves quickly succumbing to an ardor that took away their breath and ability for rational thought. With whispered endearments they drove each other toward new peaks of ecstasy that left questions and explanations for another time.
Zach's fatigue was lost the moment his lips touched Kendall's and they loved each other thoroughly, first with a rough and impatient need and then more slowly, drawing out the pleasure for them both. His hands knew her body well and played it as a musician does a well-loved instrument while Kendall responded with equal skill. The air itself turned to liquid gold as they stroked and tasted and tested the limits of their desire… drawing out the delight until it consumed them both in an inferno that neither expected but both embraced absolutely.
Much later, as the first rays of the sunlight were entering the bedroom window, Zach finally asked Kendall the question that had waited while they loved, "How did you know?"
Kendall looked at him with love in her eyes, "Where else would you go?"
"But why are you here? After the way I left… you should be angry… not here… not now…" he said in confusion.
She pulled his face to her and kissed him tenderly, "What you heard was wrong… I don't want out of our marriage… but I want to free you from our agreement."
He kissed her again before answering, "Kendall… I love you… I've loved you for such a long time… nothing else matters except that."
"I know… I love you, too," she giggled. "That's all I've wanted to hear… say it again."
"I love you, Kendall Slater," he answered her with a smile. "There's so much I need to say to you… so much to tell you…" Zach yawned. "But I'm so tired… I need to sleep… will you stay with me?"
"Where else would I go? I'll be right here when you wake up," she answered him with a contented sigh as she pushed him back against the pillows and stretched her body against his, laying her head on his shoulder and her arm across his torso. "Sleep now, Zach… we'll sleep… together."