Chapter 3- G.I. Richard
Disclaimer: Not mine. Yeah. Neither are G.I. Joe's. G.I. Richard's I guess, but you can have that if you want.
AN: You guys rock! 11 more reviews! That is the power that is the cliffhanger. I'm sorry to disappoint you and say that nothing will be resolved in this chapter. But you'll hopefully like Jealous!Chandler and MoustachedTree!Richard. Even though Richard isn't technically in this chapter (nor is Monica or The Voice, unfortunately) he's mentioned a lot.
Thanks to:
LucyGoose: Is this soon enough? The power that is my typing fingers rules all!
LilMondlerLuver: Yeah, Richard sucks! Don't worry, Chandler will bash him a lot!
MCEJBing: Yeah, it can't be good. Especially not for Chandler's self-esteem.
Fashion hottie: Yes, it is Monica and Chandler. Keep that in mind. I love Chandler too much to make this…Monard? See, Mondler sounds so much better!
Lupinsmoon12391: yeah, pretty much everything I have ever written was born when I should really be sleeping…sorry, none of Chandler's inner voice in this chapter! By the way, it's great to see another Harry Potter fan (maybe I'll write a hp fanfic someday….)
Dawn1: Who doesn't love Pinky? Or Brain. I mean, he's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits into most overhead storage compartments….
Chan4Mon4EVA4EVA: I hate Richard too. I used him because he did meet up with her and have lunch with her at the end of season 5- I'm just making it a little earlier than it was in real life. And let's just assume, because she wasn't with anyone, Richard told her he loved her then.
Shanima: I'm making an effort to keep this light-hearted.
SFGrl: Whee! I love Chandler with a crush. I think my insane mentality is closest to Chandler's (very random, at least in the earlier seasons) so in un-angst-ey fics I can hopefully "do him" well.
Now, on with the fic!
The hero always got the girl.
Not "sometimes". Not "often". Not "just when the gods feel like it." No, always. As in, without fail. It was like an unwritten rule… the guidelines for any classic romance book. Anyone would be crazy to try and contradict fate's ultimate plan. Like they always say, there are three certain things in life… death, taxes, and the hero always getting the girl.
That would be excellent, if the hero weren't sophisticated, charming, moustache-adorned Richard, who could only be described as a cross between James Bond and the character that Colin Firth always played. With pretty much one solemn expression on his face, a happy grin making only a cameo appearance, yet somehow extremely loveable to the female population.
To add to his bad mood, Chandler tripped over yet another one of Ross' boxes. He went sprawling onto the carpeting, and model dinosaurs went flying everywhere. Cursing under his breath, Chandler hauled himself to a kneeling position and scooped up a handful of tiny stegosaurus look-alikes, prepared to dump them in the box (or throw them out the window).
Then he glanced in the box and saw that underneath a couple more layers of plastic Flintstone-era pets a camouflaged leg was sticking out.
No way.
Chandler grinned almost despite himself (even more blackmail material for when Ross was feeling better) and plucked the army man out of the box, holding it by a shiny plastic boot. A G.I. Joe? Again, he had to say: no way. Of course, Ross had spent an awful large portion of time trying to convince Ben to trade in Barbie for G.I Joe, but Chandler had just thought Ross was being his usual paranoid self.
And yet there it was. Scarily built upper body, camouflage jumpsuit, army goggles, and…a painted-on moustache. Chandler's smirk faded. Oh great: G.I. Richard. Maybe he should just give Monica this for Christmas.
A completely immature and childish (and therefore completely the opposite of Richard) resentment took hold of him and he shook the doll viciously, still holding it by the leg. The goggles made a clattering sound as they swung against the plastic head, and one of the arms seemed suspiciously loose.
Chandler flipped the doll right-side up and walked it across the carpet. "Why, hello there, Monica," he said in a fake voice deeper than his own. "Don't you look beautiful tonight. If you would like to discuss any of your remarkable cooking recipes or to confess your undying love for me, I'll be over there in the corner, enjoying a martini: shaken, not stirred, and discussing with my fellow doctors the social satire that Mark Twain displayed. And isn't my moustache just splendid tonight?" Chandler attempted to mimic Richard's annoyingly carefree laugh, only succeeding in sounding like some sort of deranged Santa Claus. He was just about to launch into another mimicry when Phoebe and Rachel rushed in, looking unusually grave. Chandler hastily shoved the doll behind the leg of the coffee table and tried to look innocent. Joey hurried after them, a sub sandwich pressed to his chest as though he were protecting it from all the evils in the world.
Rachel looked around quickly, doing a double-take when she spotted Chandler sitting on the floor by the couch, nearly engulfed by boxes.
"Hey, Chandler," she said with an unsuccessful attempt at casualness, as though she hadn't just ran in as though being chased by masked gunmen. Phoebe had no time for such trivialities.
"Chandler!" she screeched. "Code Red! I repeat, Code Red! This is not a drill!" Joey stared at her as though she had grown an extra head.
"Pheebs!" Rachel hissed quietly. "I thought-"
"Don't you mean Code Moustache?" Chandler interrupted sulkily. Rachel winced.
"You know about that?"
"We live in an apartment building, Rach. The walls are paper thin. I'm surprised you're not still over there, helping her sort out this horrible dilemma. 'Oh, my soulmate is still in love with me! Oh, whatever should I do? Whatever should I do?'" he squeaked the last part in a ridiculously high-pitched voice.
"Okay, Monica does not sound at all like that," Phoebe scoffed, rolling her eyes. Chandler buried his face in his hands. Joey, finishing off his sandwich, walked over to Chandler and set a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Come on, man. They're not soul mates. You don't know that Monica's gonna go back to him. But you have to remember, no matter what, we'll always be there- Dude! Is that a G.I Joe!"
Joey picked up the action figure reverently, holding it straight in front of him as though to ward off a platoon. "Aw man!" he exclaimed, face bright with excitement. "This is Snake Eyes! Special Edition-mail order only! How'd you get one of these? And why did you take it out of its box?"
"I didn't-" Chandler broke off, deciding that now was not the time to be discussing toys most commonly owned by twelve year-old boys. "Never mind. It doesn't matter."
"Joey's right," Rachel said, unfortunately steering the conversation back to a place that Chandler really wasn't comfortable with. "They were together a long time ago. Monica's over him now."
"Even if that's true, it doesn't mean she won't go back to him. After she first broke up with him, she spent six months getting over him. And then she bumped into him at that video rental and BAM! They're back together. He's the love of her life, Rachel."
"Maybe not," Rachel started defensively, but Chandler didn't appear to have heard her.
"Of course she's gonna go back to him! He's Mr. Moustache Man! Mighty Moustache! He'll just swoop -"
"Actually, he shaved his moustache off, remember? Back when he and Mon had that "friends with benefits" thing going on," Rachel reminded him.
"Yeah, but I was sure he couldn't live long without his 'secret weapon,'" Chandler mocked, making a weird hand gesture that Rachel would have found amusing under other circumstances.
"Yes, well, he's still free of facial hair…except for his eyebrows," she added hastily, correctly interpreting the hopeful look on Chandler's face.
"Yeah, okay, but- wait a minute! She actually saw him?" Chandler hadn't actually thought Richard had just called up out of the blue- he'd actually been trying to avoid thinking about how they met up again- but in all those chick flicks, the hero and heroine meet up, the heroine falls in love at first sight (or, in Monica's case, falls 'in love again' and 'first sight in a couple of years.' But still). He'd never heard of falling in love at first hearing.
"Yes, but that doesn't mean anything," Phoebe said consolingly.
"No, it's okay! Really! It's not like this changes anything."
Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel exchanged looks of relief. "Good! Exactly! You can still tell her how you feel."
"What? No! I meant that it doesn't matter whether or not he called her or they actually saw each other. The fact that she talked to him is enough. That- that changes everything.
"No, it doesn't! It changes nothing!" Phoebe said wildly. Joey looked stricken.
"So you're not doing the Christmas present thing? You're not going to get her a Christmas present?" he asked in horror, voice cracking as it usually did when he was upset.
"Of course I'm gonna get her a Christmas present!" Chandler snapped irritably, getting to his feet at last and starting to pace in front of the tv. "A good one. Mon'll love it. She'll laugh, she'll cry, she'll forget about it as soon as she opens Richard's, which will naturally double as a 'look at us getting back together!' present. But she can't ever know how I feel about her. She wants to get married, have kids, the whole shebang. And she can't do that with some loser who cracks too many jokes and has delusions of grandeur from one-" Chandler stopped abruptly, realizing that neither Rachel or Phoebe were aware about that one amazing night in London. Luckily, both girls seemed too immersed in pity for him to notice his slight slip. "And she wants to get married to someone like Richard," he continued. "She'll have a huge wedding with ice sculptures of eye doctor tools, live in Richard's grown up apartment, drive around in his Porsche, eventually move to the suburbs when they have kids, who will be running around wearing moustaches and carrying Wonder Mops…."
"I hope that if they have moustaches, they're at least boys," Rachel joked, trying to lighten the mood. Chandler's expression didn't change. Rachel wished she would stop pacing; it was beginning to get annoying.
"Or they'll just climb up Richard, Super Husband-slash-Father, like the big tree he is!" Chandler finished his rant and sunk onto his Barcalounger.
"Chandler honey," Rachel said gently, not wanting to get him started on another rant. "I know you're hurting, but you're Monica's best guy friend-"
"Hey!" Joey protested, but an elbow in the ribs from Phoebe caused him to fall silent (as well as almost lose grip on the Snake Eyes figurine).
"-And she's told me she's missed the talks you two always used to have."
"Yeah, but now she's gonna want to talk about Richard, and whether she should get back together with him. Don't try and deny it- I heard her say she wanted to ask for my opinion. And I just can't give her it, because I want her to be happy- but with me. And something tells me that's not the advice she's looking for."
Rachel didn't have an argument for that.
"And Richard's a good guy, y'know? He's like James Bond, with his reading glasses and his suits and stuff. I can never find a suit that fits me, and I can't even wear sunglasses without looking like a dork. Sunglasses. It's not that easy to look like a dork in sunglasses."
"Chandler, I've seen those sunglasses," Phoebe said crisply. "And those are just very sucky frames. And, you know, you're much funnier than Richard. They never had very good comedy writers for those James Bond movies, and you're like the poster boy for stand-up comedy."
Chandler smiled sadly. "I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Pheebs. But it doesn't matter. Mon's not looking for funny. She's looking for-"
"I know what she's looking for," Rachel interrupted. "Funny may not be the only thing she's looking for, or the main thing, but it's pretty high on the list. She's also looking for a sweet, kind, and caring guy who gets along with her brother. Hello? You so meet all those qualifications, and more."
"Ross will kill me if he ever finds out I like Monica. So technically, getting along with him will become untrue if he ever finds out."
"And you're more in-shape than Richard is," Rachel said brightly unable to make a case about that. Ross, as everyone knew, could get very overprotective. Chandler raised his eyebrows.
"Are you kidding me?" Rachel pressed on.
"Okay, so maybe not better in shape, but, you know, you can probably out-run him. Even with that horrible lung-capacity of yours, you've also got that permanent caffeine-induced energy going for you."
"Yeah. You're like the Energizer Bunny," Phoebe added helpfully.
"And Richard's boring!" Joey screeched, "You're not boring! Richard can act like James Bond, but James Bond without the action-movie setting is pretty dull, Chandler."
Chandler scowled moodily, folding his arms across his chest. "Monica doesn't seem to agree. Even if he shows less emotion than those rich British snobs, they still manage to get along perfectly. Like, when Monica tells Richard she still loves him as well, he'll do a song and dance of joy, which for him means bouncing slightly up and down on the balls of his feet and giving a small cough. But Monica-"
"Chandler, that's ridiculous! First of all, a song and dance, for Richard, would be what a song and dance is to all of us. Not that he would ever do one, but still. And she gave no sign of saying yes to him when we talked to her. He might have been the love of her life once, but you can have more than one of those. And anyway, those impersonations were kinda not fair. Like he couldn't do the same sort of thing- 'Oh, I'm Chandler! The next big step in a relationship with a person who doesn't know there is a relationship: Christmas presents! Oh, wait…commitment…can't breathe!'"
"Pheebs, kinda not helping!" Rachel snapped. Phoebe dropped her impression, looked sheepish.
"Sorry, Chandler. It's just annoying when you keep putting yourself down. You're a great guy, you just have to stop making fun of Richard. It doesn't make you look any better in Monica's eyes. Or ours."
Chandler sighed, threading his hands through his hair as he got up and leaned against Ross' 'fossil' box (or 'designer rocks', as Chandler liked to call them). "But it's true, Pheebs. Not that he doesn't show emotion, but that he is the love of her life. And she is apparently the love of his. What am I to compete with him? He's…suave, debonair. I'm not even sure what that second word means! She doesn't mind when he smokes cigars, because, let's face it, they're much cooler than cigarettes. And he's- he's immortalized in an action figure!" Chandler gestured wildly at the so-called G.I. Richard that Joey was still clutching tightly.
"Okay, got all that but the last part," Rachel said, and Joey and Phoebe nodded along in agreement. "Not that we agree with it," she added hastily.
"Yeah!" Joey said supportively. "All kinds of smoking sucks!"
Chandler closed his eyes and forced himself to count to ten. With all the stress, he really needed a cigarette right now. Nothing was so as comforting as hearing that crinkle of cellophane and ripping open a new pack, extracting a fresh cigarette, and inhaling smoke until the nicotine made your head explode. He had started smoking again about a month after London, but after the initial 'welcome back into my life' celebration, he'd managed to cut it down to a pack a week with some effort. However, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't sneak out for a smoke now, with his three loyal yet incredibly annoying friends looking at him as though he had just been placed on Suicide Watch. They'd decide he was going to try and beat up Richard or something equally ridiculous if he said he was going for a walk.
A fourth (less loyal, seeing as he was completely out of the loop here) and more annoying (considering he was in possession of the air purifier, which sounded like hundreds of mosquitoes buzzing in perfect synchronization, and the cardboard boxes, which seemed to me multiplying every time Chandler blinked) walked in.
"Hey, guys. What's up?"
"Well, breaking news is that one woman loved having children so much she did it 69 times! Her identity is unknown and whether or not she lives in a shoe and does not know what to do is uncertain," Chandler exclaimed in his best tv-announcer voice, effortlessly slipping back into his role of sarcastic, completely carefree friend.
'And the world will never know.'
"See? Richard could never come up with stuff like that," Phoebe hissed in Chandler's ear as she made her way to the door. In a louder voice she added, "Well, I better be going. I have to get to work."
Ross gave her a strange look. "Pheebs, it's Sunday."
"Yeah, well, there's this one client that missed his appointment yesterday. I wouldn't bother, but he's offering 100 dollars an hour and I need the extra money."
"Yeah. Me and Joey are going to go and see how Monica's doing," Rachel supplied.
"Joey and I," Ross corrected. "Would you say, 'Me going to go?'"
Rachel glared at him. "ME going to leave now." And, with a last discrete look at Chandler, the three of them left. Ross glanced sideways at Chandler.
"So, I'm going to assume they filled you in about the whole…Richard thing." Chandler nodded dumbly. "It's a little out of the blue, isn't it? I mean, him asking her to marry him?"
Suddenly the air purifier didn't seem strong enough, as Chandler proceeded to become the first person in history to choke on air.
"Wai-what?"
Ross looked startled. "Yeah, they didn't tell you?"
"Not the marriage part," Chandler muttered, deciding not to get into the part where he'd been eavesdropping. That would raise unwanted questions. "Just the part about him still loving her, and wanting to get back together with her." They had probably thought that Chandler had heard that part; he had mentioned Monica and Richard getting married during one of his monologues. But that was only because it was something he could definitely see happening. It was an entirely different matter to know that if Monica said yes, it wasn't just to a relationship. It was a no-turning-back type of thing.
"Well, Richard asked Monica to marry him," Ross said unnecessarily.
"Yeah, Ross, I got that," Chandler snapped. God, he needed a cigarette.
AN: Yeah, I know, I'm a horrible person. But I promise Monica and Chandler will actually talk to each other in the next chapter. Promise. I know nothing about G.I. Joe's so the special edition/mail order thing was something I made up, and if it's true, it's just a coincidence. I don't know if Ross would like G.I. Joe's but I know Joey does from the episode where Ross is trying to get Ben to play with one of those instead of a Barbie. Please review! Please- or Monica will say yes to Richard and Chandler will get Monica a coat hanger.