AN: Thank you for all the reviews, everyone! I feel so loved.

Disclaimer: I think you get it by now. None of it's mine.

I just have to clear up one thing. Several people seem to have the impression that Richard is Monica's boyfriend. THAT'S NOT TRUE! Yeah, sorry, that was just for the benefit of the people who only read author's notes if there's something in Caps-Lock. So, what I really meant to get across was that Richard ran into Monica somewhere (much like he did in TOW and Richard are Friends, but not with the same result!) and they had lunch (like in TO In Vegas). Since she wasn't with Chandler (I think the only reason he didn't try to get back together with Monica in TO In Vegas is because she told him she was with Chandler), Richard told Monica he still loved her, and that he did want to marry her. So, not technically proposing (like Ross said) with a ring and everything, but pretty much what he did in TOW The Proposal- just saying that he was ready to marry her and was willing to have kids, because he loved her.

Monica has not been in contact with Richard since she ran into him and he said this. She is still trying to decide what to do. Sorry I didn't make this clear earlier, but Chandler wouldn't have asked Monica for a blow-by-blow account of exactly what happened, and since I made the decision to have everything strictly in his POV….

dawn1: Yes, I too want Chandler's job. It's the writers' fault, though- they always have him slacking off work on the show. I just followed their example. I was also wondering if the present thing was realistic (Monica opening it and then re-wrapping it) but I needed a way for Chandler to find out what Richard got her in that chapter, so….

Lupinsmoon12391: Not necessarily the only way (for Chandler to still have a chance with Monica) but a good way, I think. I almost left it out, but it was just too perfect….

DanielFactoid: Wow…long review is amazed Thank you! Like I've already said, I was worried about writing Chandler and Monica actually conversing, but I'm glad everyone seems happy with the result. Huh, I just realized…up until that part with them buying the Christmas tree, this could have been a Monica's Birthday fic. Oh, well. Richard's not actually Monica's boyfriend right now (you don't have to take my word for it: read above author's note for actual explanation…which is also my word), and I loved the episode where Chandler and Joey got everyone bad presents ("ribbed for your pleasure"…hilarious!) None of the Friends ever seem to work unless it's important to the plot of an episode, but especially Rachel (when she was a waitress) and Chandler (except he must have worked in the first season…he got promoted pretty quickly, didn't he?) The Voice isn't in this chapter that much, but I didn't leave it (him?) completely out. Yay! Do I get a broken stapler now? (I already have like 6...maybe I can start a collection.) If you read this whole reply, you can have my…broken handheld pencil sharpener. The power that is broken office supplies!

Kristy: Ah, yes. The thing about Richard is that, even if there's no denying he loves Monica, they have almost nothing in common, and I don't think he knows her well at all. I never thought he did; not even in Season 2 when I didn't hate him. And Chandler has a bonus- of course he knows Monica better; he's been best friends with her for 10 years. …I also would love to get a coat hanger from Chandler. Actually, I do need a coat hanger. I broke one of mine "fencing" with my friend.

Chan4Mon4EVA4EVA: Glad you like it! (Although, Richard's not actually her boyfriend. Read above Author's Note. He is a bastard, though)

MCEJBing: I just couldn't finish that fic without the Chandler Dance. Thanks for the great review!

mistymidnight: I think it proves mondler is the best couple, too. That's mostly why I wrote it. And as for your views on my Monica characterization, I agree. She's not entirely in character, but I don't know how or where exactly, so I can't fix it. Meh.

Wendelin The Weird: There's not much Monica and Chandler dialogue, but there will be in chapters after this one. Chandler's present is a little unconventional (as in not romantic) but it's something he knows Monica will love and that's what's important. You'll find out what it is in the next chapter.

ElSupremo: Yay, your review makes me feel special. I try to have as much Chandler/Joey and Chandler/Rachel and Chandler/Phoebe and Chandler/Ross friendshippy moments as I do Mondler romance moments (this chapter is Rachel/Chandler and Ross/Chandler friendship).

Writergal90: I too have a great weakness for The Voice (it's good for the soul!) but it's not good to rely on the voice too much for humor, so it's not in this chapter as much.

Julia: Chandler doing what he does best…his Chandler Dance. I miss him doing that in later seasons. "Great chapter as usual" is thrilled by sparkly compliment Thanks!

Also thanks to Jayne Leigh, LucyGoose, LilMondlerLuver, and fashion hottie. All your reviews make my day. Seriously.

"And so he got her a cookbook! 'Course, it could be an extremely rare, hand-bound cookbook filled with recipes for delicacies that are sure to taste exquisite and that will win over every one of those bastard waiters at Alessandros, but it is still a cookbook! Even a box of tic-tacs would look personal next to that."

"So you're getting her tic-tacs now?" Joey asked in confusion. "Dude…I don't think she'd like that very much."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "No, Joey….although, Chandler, you do know this has to involve some thought, don't you?"

"I know…I'm not…I'm working on it," Chandler spluttered, scowling at a hole in the toe of his sock. "And, y'know, tic-tacs would actually make a good stocking stuffer. Mon goes through them insanely fast. I think it's a combination of her obsession over things being clean and the fact that she can on only eat them in even numbers. Same with popcorn. She saws it's because she has to have something on both side of her mouth…to keep things equal. I mean, what is up-?"

"Chandler, focus!" Phoebe told him impatiently, punctuating her statement by poking him in the ribs with the pencil she had previously been sucking on for inspiration.

"Says the woman who was so busy making up love sonnets about me and Monica that she missed three appointments at the massage clinic and almost got fired," Chandler snapped back, leaning back in his barcalounger. They were currently trying to figure out what would "cause Monica to see what a great guy Chandler is" (in the words of Rachel), and "get Monica into Chandler's pants" (in the words of Joey). Phoebe hadn't said anything, just nodded and smiled along with Rachel and glared at Joey in disgust. She had then taken out a pad of paper and a pencil for jotting down ideas, but in the past hour hadn't accomplished anything other than making a list (purely for Joey's benefit) of the different colors your aura could turn and what those colors meant.

(Apparently green was 'insecurity', not to be confused with 'jealousy', which was puce, and Chandler always had a faint mist of green that surrounded him.)

Despite everyone's "help", Chandler still hadn't come any closer to deciding what to get Monica. Well, maybe he wasn't giving himself enough credit. Not only was Phoebe and Joey's interpretation of Ross' reaction when he found out that Chandler liked Monica very distracting (and distressing), but up until yesterday, he'd thought he'd known what to get Monica. A soft, cobalt blue scarf he'd seen her admiring last month. It was neither jewelry nor ridiculously expensive, two traits that would scream 'I love you!' Yet it wasn't something an aunt that she saw twice a year would buy her. It was expensive enough for Monica to sigh and claim that it was a "frivolous expenditure."

But now it seemed ridiculous and stupid. A good gift before London, but now? Definitely not. How much had she even wanted it then? Would she even remember admiring it earlier? With Richard in the picture (bad gift or not) he had to do something. And if that something wasn't actually telling her how he felt, it better be a damn good present.

"Tomorrow's Christmas Eve," Phoebe continued, oblivious to Chandler's mutinous monologue, "and you still don't even have the faintest idea of what to get her."

"Well, it has to be personal," Rachel said slowly, frowning. "Maybe you can make something."

"That's a great idea!" Phoebe exclaimed, jumping up. "We could make something using decoupage, or…or…ooh! Paper mache! I love paper mache!"

"No," Chandler protested weakly, but Rachel overrode him.

"And we can go through all her stuff and see if there are any hints to what she really wants. She usually circles things in catalogues and makes small lists on post-its. Of course, that's all mail-order stuff that you could never make. Not unless you, you know, opened your own sweatshop or something."

Chandler just shook his head at the uniquely Phoebe statement.

"Come oonnnnn, Chandler," Rachel whined. "Maybe that wasn't Richard's only present! Maybe he got her an amazingly good one, not just the cookbook!"

Phoebe squinted at Chandler, shaking her head. "Green, green, green," she murmured under her breath. Chandler sighed resignedly.

"Okay, fine. Go get the catalogues. Just...no paper mache."

An hour later, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe were surrounded by an explosion of magazines, articles from Phoebe's craft box, a handful of Rachel's Harlequin romance books (Chandler desperately tried to ignore the fact that two of them were written by his mother) and feathers (the duck had gotten covered in glue and sequins and pitched a fit). Joey had given up an our ago on helping out- his excuse was that all the "girly stuff" was getting to him. Chandler considered himself immune for the most part to "girly stuff" as a result of growing up with the Queen of Glam (and his mom).

Phoebe had also stopped helping, in favor of making a collage of "hunky underwear models".

Chandler heard steps by the door and the turn of the knob and blindly threw last month's edition of Cosmo over his shoulder. Ross entered and stared at them. "The girls have finally let you join in on the sleepovers?" he asked Chandler with a smirk.

"Ha ha," Chandler said miserably, glowering at his shoe, where one of the rejects from Phoebe's collage was stuck (apparently his abs weren't defined enough).

Ross rolled his eyes. "Whatever, man. I'm gonna go take a shower, 'kay?"

"You don't need my permission, Ross," Chandler muttered, getting to his feet. "This is not working," he added to Rachel as the bathroom door closed behind Ross.

"Yeah, I know," she agreed immediately, much to his surprise. After a quick glance at Joey, who was currently constructing something that looked suspiciously like a fort out of some of Ross' boxes and one of the barcaloungers, she stood. "Let's go shopping!"

Chandler was in no position to argue.

"This place is stupid," Chandler grumbled, glancing warily around at the racks of clothes and shelves of overly-packaged products.

Rachel looked at him sharply. "You're just upset because there are no grocery carts around for you to throw yourself down aisles in."

"That's not true," Chandler protested, slipping effortlessly into Lecturer Mode. "You see, what you do is -instead of standing in the cart (that requires two people)- you stand behind it, take a running start, and jump onto the bar that… that…oh, Joey would understand!"

Rachel smirked, popping her fingernail against his shoulder. "Well, Joey is an even worse shopper that you are, so he was conveniently not told about this outing."

"Hey, I resent that," Chandler muttered. "I get you the perfect gift every year, don't I?"

"That's because I've learned from your mistakes and give you all a list of different stores I want gift cards to," Rachel sniffed, fingering a pleated skirt on the clearance rack with an air of distaste.

"Yea, well…if this is such a great store, why wasn't it on your list?" Chandler said, voice rising in triumph as he pointed dramatically at her. Several shoppers glanced at him sideways, and he lowered his arm sheepishly, feeling his cheeks burn.

'Nice. Get yourself thrown out. That'll help you on your search for a perfect gift for Monica. You know, if you had more time, you could turn this into a reality tv show.'

"I just discovered it last week," Rachel answered smoothly. "Doesn't it have a great name, though- Strawberry's!"

"It sounds like a produce depot."

"Well, it's not, so just…get your grocery cart race fantasies out of your head."

"It's not a fantasy! I've actually done it before!"

"Oh, bravo!" Rachel exclaimed sarcastically. "You really don't know much about grocery store etiquette, do you? I mean, you wheel around on grocery carts, you throw bags of grain at your girlfriends…."

"Okay, that was one time! And it was barley!"

Rachel rolled her eyes, pausing to eye a pair of earrings on display. Chandler frowned at her (they were on a schedule here!) but then paused as he caught sight of a necklace lying next to them.

"You think Phoebe would like that?" he asked her.

"Oh, don't get distracted. You can't afford to- wait a minute. You didn't get anything for Phoebe yet? Chandler!"

Chandler avoided her eyes. Truthfully, he hadn't gotten anyone anything (except a PBS Documentary on erosion and a romance novel for Ross- the latter a gag gift, the former, sadly, not- and a Bloomingdale's gift card for Rachel). "Well, I sorta know what to get her. 'Cause there's a Wic n' Sticks right by my office, and I was thinking I could stop by tomorrow after work for some of those aromatherapy candles she likes. But it just doesn't seem like enough."

"You have work tomorrow? On Christmas Eve?"

"It's only a half day," Chandler said defensively, for some reason finding a sudden loyalty towards his company. After all, he was supposed to be at work right this minute. "And we can dress casually."

"So what does that mean?" Rachel snorted. "You don't have to wear the suit jacket?"

"Actually…it means we don't have to wear a tie," Chandler mumbled. Rachel stared at him with what looked horribly like pity. "Yeah, well, we never have to wear the suit jackets, so ha! I mean, technically, we have to, but no one really notices if we take off the jacket during the day. Especially during the summer, whe-when the air conditioning invariably breaks, and…oh, shut up! Your job sucked too, until like, two years ago."

Rachel's lip twitched as she tried to suppress a grin. "I didn't say anything."

Chandler exhaled heavily, wondering if he could manage to slip away from Rachel long enough to find gifts for his other 3 friends.

A couple of hours later, Ross and Chandler sat inside the fort Joey had made earlier. Chandler had been surprised to discover that Ross had joined Joey in "playing" house- pilgrim style, apparently, since Joey was wearing a cowboy hat, Ross an Indian headband and "war paint" (some of Rachel's lipstick). Chandler himself had been cohered into wearing a bonnet. After Joey had left for an audition, the game had quickly been dropped in favor of watching tv through a gap in the boxes.

The "war paint" Ross had applied to his face had faded and smudged considerably, and the headband has slipped sideways over his forehead. Neither of them were feeling productive enough to leave the fort for anything other than beer.

"Hey, doesn't that guy look a little like O'Brian?" Chandler asked presently, pointing to the tv screen, where a Doritos commercial currently presided.

"Who's O'Brian?"

"You know, fourth drummer in our band. Redhead, had a mullet, quit because I made fun of his mullet…"

"Oh, yeah! That was a great thing we had going there."

"Yeah." Chandler replied, taking a swig of beer. "So, whatcha wanna do today?" he asked after a short pause.

"I was thinking the same thing we did yesterday. That was pretty fun, right?"

"Ross, we are not going to watch Miss Marple again!"

"Oh, come on! I want to see who murdered Colonel Wellington!" Ross whined, stepping out of the fort and collapsing in Joey's barcalounger. Chandler crossed to his own barcalounger, swinging it around to face Ross.

"Geez, man! It's obviously the girl with all those cigars. The murderer is always the person with the strange habit that sets them apart from all the other suspects. That unusual habit is, in fact, usually the clue that leads them to the murderer."

'Yeah, you think it's the girl with the cigars because of that. Not because you have a certain biased attitude toward all cigar smokers, because of a certain cigar smoker that still might manage to win over Monica.'

"But the last segment's on at nine!"

"Fine! Then what d'you want to do until then? It's barely two in the afternoon. What, are we supposed to just sit here for seven hours."

"Well, that's what we've been doing for the past three." Ross replied, absently shredding a bright red feather that had fallen off of his headband. Chandler scowled, glancing around the apartment for inspiration. His eyes fell on the duck, waddling innocently out of Joey's room.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, bouncing over to the duck and picking it up, ignoring the protests in the form of outrageous squawking and flapping of wings. Ross winced, leaning away from the bird. "Let's try to teach the duck to fetch the remote!"

Ross rolled his eyes. "Dude. Do you want it to be the exact same as yesterday?"

Chandler sighed, leaning back and letting his imagination spin out elaborate fantasies, in which Monica came in and tearfully declared her love for him, and Ross gave his blessings, a paternal smile on his face. He was just deciding on what dress she would be wearing when all this happened (he thought the deep blue one she'd worn to a benefit last week) when Ross said abruptly,

"That concert was pretty great." Chandler looked instinctively toward the tv, but Full House was on. Did Ross mean the band DJ had started in Season 3? "We had a bitchen' audience," Ross continued, and Chandler was struck with a horrible thought: was Ross still thinking about their college band- Way, No Way? It was Chandler's own fault for bringing up O'Brian; when Ross started to get nostalgic, he could go on about something for days. But if Ross was taking about Way, No Way, his statement made no sense.

"Concerts? As in plural?" Chandler asked, just to clarify. Ross shrugged sheepishly.

"Yeah, okay, there was only the one, but you gotta admit, it was a great audience."

"Ross, we performed at your own bachelor party because the stripper was late and people were about to leave."

'The truth can hurt, but denial is a horrible thing.'

"Well, maybe she was late because she didn't know which Pizza Hut to go to!" Ross exclaimed bitterly.

"Well, where was I supposed to throw it? In the dorm? That's what you get for marrying when your still in college- that and the bride-to-be never had a chance to experiment, so she never realized she was a lesbian until it was too late," Chandler added, smirking. Ross glowered at him.

"Say whatever you want, but that concert was good; we got some encore requests. And we would've had more concerts if Gandalf hadn't quit."

"In his defense, it's hard to be in a college band when you've dropped out of college."

There was anther long pause, and Chandler wasn't fooled waited warily for more anecdotes from Ross. He might even demand that they sing 'Emotional Knapsack' for old times' sake.

Sure enough: "You know what I just realized? You only ever wrote one song: 'Shoebox of Lies'."

"That's not true!" Chandler exclaimed, unable to stop himself ('Oh no!' The Voice exclaimed. 'You can't be getting sucked into this…Time Warp, too! Not when you still haven't gotten a gift for Monica!') "I wrote both 'Betrayal in the Common Room' and 'Candy Corn Soul: A Halloween Tale of Woe', and I co-wrote 'Drunk Toga Man Crashed at My Dorm Last Night' with Gandalf, plus I revised 'She Feels Weird Since I've Been Gone' for you after Rachel proved it invalid Thanksgiving '87."

"Writing "This lovesick fool could not be more wrong, The only way Rachel Green feels weird is from wearing a too-tight thong" at the end of the song is not an acceptable revision, Chandler!"

'Okay, apparently still a sore spot. Quick, smooth it over! Sly like fox; appeasing like…fluffy bunny rabbit?…no, that's "cute". Badger?'

"I'm not used to writing in rhyme," Chandler tried soothingly. When Ross glared at him, he tried pity. "Okay, I wrote that when I was on painkillers for my missing appendage!"

Ross didn't seem very appeased ('Maybe you were working with the wrong hot animal,' The Voice suggested. 'Badger seems more like "humble", not "appeasing."') so Chandler was relieved when Monica chose that moment to walk in.

"Hey, Chandler?" she called, and Chandler swung around to face her, pasting what was hopefully a 'casually inquiring' look on his face. Monica stared at him in shock for a moment, before grinning widely. "How's the prairie, Laura Ingles?"

Chandler stared at her blankly for a moment, before realizing that he was still wearing the bonnet. He quickly pulled it off, feeling his cheeks burn a dull red.

'Quick, go with it, go with it! You're Joke Guy; you can pull it off.'

"Don't you think it's dashing?" he asked in a fake, deep voice. "It's an alternative for the top hat that I am personally rather fond of; I think the pink bow and wide brim add an air of mystique."

To his relief, Monica giggled, stepping carefully over some of Ross' boxes to approach them. She glanced at Ross, sprawled across Joey's barcalounger, then squeezed in next to Chandler, who stiffened in surprise.

To cover his suspicious reaction, he whispered in her ear, "Well, now you're just throwing off the whole ensemble. You're blocking the light from picking up my highlights."

'There's such a thing as taking humor too far,' The Voice informed him blandly. 'Now she really is going to think you're gay.'

"Can you put Behind the Music on? They're showing Foo Fighters."

"You know, I could've been a member off the Foo Fighters," Ross said smugly. Monica rolled her eyes, and said, with the air of someone who has repeated herself many times,

"Ross, the only way you could have been a member of the Foo Fighters is if you named your college band 'Foo Fighters' in which case you would have sullied their good name. No offense," she added to Chandler.

"None taken," he said affably. "We were losers back then."

And then, what Chandler would describe later to Rachel and Phoebe as a spark of genius hit. It was so simple yet so close to perfect (considering who it was that had thought it up) that he had to suppress one of Phoebe's Plan Laugh's™.

"Well, I'm going to go practice some foosball," he said with attempted casualness (which was hard to do when he had to yell to be heard- Monica and Ross were vying loudly for the remote. During the fight, Monica had for some reason moved onto Chandler's lap…not that he had noticed or anything). She looked up at him, and for a moment he could imagine she was disappointed, but then she just scooted over, allowing him to get up.

"You do need the practice," she muttered, settling happily on the barcalounger once he'd gotten up.

'Your secret crush can replace you with an inanimate object with no trouble at all. Ah, such love is only found in romance novels,' Chandler thought sarcastically as he moved toward Joey's bedroom.

That was where the foosball table was located, after all, although he had no intention of playing foosball. More importantly, his laptop was in there (Joey had borrowed it the other day, most likely to look at porn) and so, if need be, was another phone. (Joey was under the impression that if you had a phone in every room, you were living large. Chandler had thankfully managed to keep him from putting one in the bathroom.)

AN: Sorry there wasn't much going on in this chapter…the next chapter was almost part of this one, but it would be long and I don't have the patience for it…so the next chapter will probably be kind of short, but more will be happening.

If the Ross/Chandler interaction seemed awkward, it's because I wrote it in script-form at first and it was almost a ONE-SHOT but then…it wasn't, obviously.

Please review! Pretty please?