Winter of a Broken Heart

By Yanagi-sen

WK songfic

Usual disclaimers apply. Song is sung by Alison Krauss. I'll return Nagi when I'm done with him. (yeah right… I've been saying that for how many years now?) Sequel to Angels of the Silences.

Warnings: angst

He felt like he was living on autopilot. He got up in the morning, ate something, showered and went to work. Depending on what computer problems cropped up during the day he might not even get back home till long after dinner. He would eat because he knew he had to, but had no real appetite. He would try to fall asleep for a while then get back up and sit on the couch till he fell asleep watching bad reruns.

The next day it started all over again.

The only variation was Sunday. There was no work… so he had no reason to do much of anything. He forced himself to leave the apartment to get some groceries or do the laundry. Mostly on days off he tried to stay busy with his additional online clients. Designing websites and doing occasional freelance programming was boring at best, but it filled his empty hours.

It seemed like all his hours were empty now.

Oh it seems the sun will never shine / The skies are so gray and the heart you left broken is lonely

Frustrated, feeling caged and hemmed in, Nagi just HAD to get out of the apartment. It was a new place, he just couldn't stay in the one he had shared with Omi. This place was smaller, he didn't have much in the way of belongings, nor did he need a lot of room. Unfortunately it did have a tendency to get a little claustrophobic after a while.

He grabbed his coat and headed out into the frigid streets. Tokyo was in the grips of a cold snap, unusually cold in fact. He could only remember a couple other times when he'd felt the cold like this. He wandered for a while before catching a bus headed for the bay. The parks were likely to be mostly deserted given the weather.

Perfect.

The winter wind blows through the trees and with the song I sing / I long for the days you loved me only

The wind was whipping the waters of the bay into a frenzy. A few boats still moved, mostly fishermen too stubborn to give in to the weather. The water crashed onto the rocks below the railing where he stood. The spray was flung up into his face, but he didn't care all that much. He was already numb.

He shivered. Omi would have been so mad at him for letting himself get chilled. Would have stripped him and hustled him into a hot shower then tucked him into bed while he made some soup. Then they would have cuddled all evening sharing warmth and comfort.

Angrily, Nagi turned from the water and headed home.

Sorrow lingers, shadows only fill the empty room

His coat was dripping water and frozen sea spray as he unlocked the door. He tossed it towards the hook, but it missed and fell to the floor, he didn't care. He kicked off his shoes and shivered. The apartment had gotten very cold while he'd been away. He hustled out of his wet clothes and into the warmest things he could conveniently find.

Nagi refilled the heater with hands that shook visibly. He wrapped up in a blanket while waiting for the small device to do its work. Leaning back on the couch he stared up at the shadows dancing across the ceiling.

For years someone had been around to take care of him. Someone had been there to chide him for getting cold and wet. Someone would make sure the heater was going. Someone was simply be around. His head fell to the side and he sighed.

Chilly water dripped out of his hair and down his face.

Nights of lonely cries unheard / In the winter of a broken heart

Maybe it was the weather. Maybe it was the season. Maybe he had simply reached the breaking point, but Nagi felt like he was completely falling apart. Huddled in his blanket, listening to the faint whir of the heater, hearing the laughing of people outside his door.

One tear fell, then another.

He wasn't crying. He couldn't be crying. He didn't cry. It was as simple as that. Crying was a weakness, something others could exploit. What others? He thought ironically. There was no one now. For the first time since Crawford had picked him up out of the back alleys he was completely alone.

Oh the nights will never be the same as when the love was new /Young hearts so tender in their yearning

Unable to help himself, Nagi found his mind going back to the early days of his relationship with Omi. He'd been flattered, stunned actually that someone had liked him, had wanted to spend time with him. It had been wonderful. He'd allowed himself to be seduced and loved every moment of it.

They had been so young and eager to have something beyond the darkness and killing that surrounded them. Had it only been a few years ago? He felt so old, much older than he actually was. Love had been something new and slightly foreign to both of them.

But seasons, change and lovers too / And winter's twice as cold / But the fire in one heart is always burning

But had it really been love? Or had Omi been using him all along?

Neither one of them had known what love really was. He had slowly discovered that warmth inside when the blond was around. He hadn't known what to call it, but judging from what he'd read and seen in movies… he supposed that it was love.

What had changed? Or rather, what was different about what Omi had felt? Had he even felt the same way about Nagi? Questions… too many questions and no answers. There would never be any answers.

So the pain just went on and on.

Sorrow lingers, shadows only fill the empty room / Nights of lonely cries unheard / In the winter of a broken heart

When the tears finally ceased he felt drained, hollow, and empty. He knew he should eat, but he didn't want to even rise from the couch. With a sigh and a small cough, which he hoped wasn't a precursor to getting sick, he forced himself to his feet.

The room was warm now and he made his way to what passed for a kitchen. It had almost no counter space to speak of, but he didn't cook much anyway. He made some instant ramen and tea and took them back to his blanket. He ate woodenly, because he had to, not because he enjoyed the food.

Once he was done, he could feel sleep creeping up on him. The combination of warmth and food was working its subtle magic. He curled up on the couch, not wanting to have to warm up his bedroom.

Though a million hours pass the time and lonely is the pain / And what was love is just a spell that's broken

'It's over.'

He woke with a start, heart racing and sweat running down his face. Nagi wiped his face with a trembling hand. That dream again. He didn't have it all the time, and couldn't predict when it would strike. Fear of that smiling face, gun pointed towards him; had kept him from sleep many nights.

Apparently it was going to be another sleepless night. Abandoning his blanket he walked over to the window. A surprise waited for him. It was snowing.

So blow the wind and freeze the rain and try like lover's do / Seems our hearts have never really spoken

He had to put this behind him. He had to find a way to move on. It couldn't be that hard… could it?

Sorrow lingers, shadows only fill the empty room / Nights of lonely cries unheard

For the rest of the night, he sat near the window, watching the snow fall.

In the winter of a broken heart

-owari-

Ok, so it's not as creepy or disturbing as the first one, thank goodness. Nagi needed this… needed to cry and mourn a bit so he can move on. Yes, I'm planning the next one already…