I feel like I'm forever trapped in a photograph negative...
I trusted those who could not be...
I abandoned that which I loved
I betrayed those who meant most...
I fell into darkness and cannot leave...
My path is obscured
Because my vision is so...
Blinded by the Tears…
You're just like clockwork, you realize that?
His hand froze in midair, knuckles inches from the hefty wooden door. A barrier…the only one in the Bastion that he would repeatedly fear facing. Physically, it was nothing more than a chunk of wood, something that anyone could cross and that's how he constantly insisted he take it. But spiritually…or maybe emotionally is more precise…it was impossible…
…Typical… The only difference is the time elapsed for each account… Pathetic…
Aquamarine scanned back and forth, up and down the painful barrier. Looking for? Nothing could be certain… Its weakness perhaps…wanting to prove to himself that one actually existed…
He never found one before, but somehow, he always made it past. Maybe he did find one and didn't know any better. Though if a weakness did exist, it shouldn't… He should face the full-force of anything that was dealt…r-right?
Now that I think about it, you took less time today than you ever have before… I can't decide if that's concern or just raw ignorance…
His hand dropped…back to his side… It wasn't uncommon for this to happen, only this time, it looked permanent. He could never tell what exactly would curse him like that; his heart…? His conscience…? His soul…? Something completely different perhaps?
…Well…that's assuming he still retained most of those emotion spirits…
Sometimes, he thought it might be all of them combined, since he could no longer tell them apart as he prayed they still existed… But either way, he knew he deserved every hated word…
His bottom lip slipped between his teeth and was bitten viciously; though it didn't stop the crying tremble that encompassed the soft flesh. His pale cheeks started to burn, much more savagely than they ever had before. He knew why as did anything else around, but it still didn't make accepting it any easier.
The words were there, just like they always were… But tonight…they were frozen upon his lips, sewn and bound there…under lock and key… call it whatever you want, the result was the same.
It was highly doubtful those words would leave his lips…if not tonight…then ever…
It sounds stupid…doesn't it? After all that he'd done, surely he owed her some form of apology at least and to deny her that is almost more disgusting than his actions. He has no right to stop because of what some might call ego or perhaps fear…whichever…and just forget about everything. But is it possible that there's more to this story than meets the eye? That there's something existing within this account that no one else can possibly understand…?
You really are dense, you self-righteous idiot… After all that you've done and said tonight, forget what you've done over the two years you've been together, you would dare to consider giving her another apology? Hypocritical bastard…
Sometimes, he just assumed it was he who told himself all of these statements, the words actually leaving his lips silently. Another consideration he also pondered since he doubted he had a heart or soul anymore and that his conscience gave up a long time ago. All he had left was that bastard of a mage's shadow blackening the void inside of him darker and darker each day…
Especially after that 'cute' little speech about her "always being sorry and never seeming too mean it"… I do believe those were your exact words… But then, you were always sincere when you said it…right?
He cursed painfully as his gaze again decided to admire the floor, silvery bangs hiding a bitter countenance from the obstacle that bested Ansem himself. Though it was only a matter of seconds, he felt like he was trapped in an eternal abyss of piercing regret and hurt, standing before this door.
His arm eventually waved unconsciously to the side, creating a relatively small, obsidian vortex and blankly stepped inside. Within a second, he appeared in another position where he resided often…outside of her window, upon the one and a half foot stone ledge that the Bastion provided. As creepy as it sounded, it was the one place he preferred watching her from… Why? Because on that side of the glass…
…He couldn't hurt her…
-Clutching my cure…I tightly lock the door…-
Her back was to the window, though she wouldn't have seen him anyways. He knew that if she saw him, she would stop whatever she was occupied with to tend to him. And that included hiding scars, tears, bruises…anything that she felt would hurt him to see…
Loyal…considerate…caring…concerned… Everything any guy could hope for… Everything he could ever hope for…
…Everything he didn't deserve…
He had placed a spell on that window two years ago when this hell had begun… The day they were both sent to this place after Kingdom Hearts was locked once more. With the Heartless sealed, travel between the worlds opened again…except to him…
As long as a piece of Ansem resided in him, he was bound to this hateful castle.
Yes, on that day, this began. Most often, he would 'merely' abuse her verbally, spitting out insults and statements that he never truly meant…
…On those days…she would cry…
But then, there were days…like today…when that disgusting rage just wasn't satisfied with only hurling words around… Words generally fade, as do injuries, but the latter leaves a visible that's not easily forgotten. Some were worse than others, though they all resulted in the same thing.
…The night's where the emotion paths were crimson…
-…I try to catch my breath again…-
The shaking fingers of his right-hand slowly rose and rested gently on the glass beside his face. His cheeks burned harder as his aquamarine spheres ached from the sight he had once again caused.
Her trembling hands, no longer bleeding, but now bandaged, gently completed the task of tying off an Elixir soaked tourniquet around her ribs. He flinched every time she did and felt even worse when she tried to stifle them. After a few agonizing breaths, she reached for a nearby shirt and eased it over her head, letting the long fabric cover the ecru wrappings. He noticed the shirt was longer than the last one…
…Hiding the scars and bruises to ease his pain…
She had tied a bandanna around her forehead, tilting it down slightly on the right. His right hand clenched slightly upon the unaffected glass, the image of her crimson tears floating back into his mind's eye. He still couldn't believe he had laid into her tonight…words and actions alike, each element playing off the other like some sadistic tag-team. What hurt most…he tore into her for her extensive kindness, her continual wish to make him happy…
…Make him happy…
…My God… What more can you take away from her…
…I promise I'll stay by your side, Riku… No matter what, I'll always be here for you…
As her tearful words echoed about the memory fragments of his darkened entity, she reached to the side again to grab another wet cloth… Another one that was drenched in an Elixir formula of sorts…
She makes them herself, you know... Anything you may have had...ran out a long time ago...
That voice would remind him of this constantly, but it never got any easier to hear it…
-I hurt much more... than any time before...-
But that wasn't what got him; it was her slight turn to the left to do so. Even though her dual-coloured hair sought to shield it, his all-too clear aquamarines caught it. All he could see was obsidian with vibrant streaks of indigo strewn about, the flesh tone lost within a piercing abyss. And when she touched the healing formula to that numbing void, he could practically hear her gasp of raw pain, feeling her anguish deep within his chest.
Her left cheek was the one place he would always strike the hardest. If he only struck her once, it would be that cheek. It had been months since he'd left a mark on the left side of her face... Hell, he had punched her right side with a backhand following suit, but now...it was her left side she concerned herself with...
And as strange as it sounds, it was the harshest indication that he had gone too far...way too far...
You stupid girl... You can leave anytime...and yet, you stay within this hell I put you through... Why? Why must you be so foolish?
Because she promised not to leave you...swore to remain with you... If she leaves this world, it's uncertain if she'll be able to return... She won't risk it...
Promised... That's why she stays...bound by those irrational words...
His reflections halted temporarily when she put down the healing cloth, her gaze aimed for the doorway. She had been glancing at it off and on the entire time, but now, she was focused upon it. He knew why too... She was waiting for him, but she feared him walking in and seeing her injuries...
...Hiding the scars and bruises to ease his pain...
-I have no option left again...-
-x-
She didn't realize that he watched her dress her wounds every time...and if not her injuries...then her tears... After she was 'fine''...as 'fine' as someone in her place could be...he would leave his post there and return to the "impassable" barrier. She'd be waiting...knowing he could appear at any time... He knew it too...
He would silently enter, a broken-hearted aura encompassing him. She would glance out and offer him a smile...
...A smile through so much pain...
He would often approach her, though she would occasionally...no...often...go to him. She'd ask if he was okay...
...After all he would do, she would ask him that first...
He could always manage to hide his tears when they were together...much like her...but he couldn't help the regret he felt from the wisping around him. He could never bring himself to ask verbally, but she always accepted, letting him sit next to her or just be close. He'd apologize repeatedly, though he was never happy with it...the words just weren't enough...
...But she would always shake her head, hug him or squeeze his hands...his trembling hands...
She didn't care... It wasn't his fault...anything to make him feel better... It worked for a while, but eventually, he 'knew' she was lying to herself...
Then she'd apologize for the same reasons she usually did and they'd fall silent. She'd lean against him, her head on his shoulder, and sigh contentedly. He'd do the same, reflecting sorrowfully. Sometimes, he'd embrace her... and occasionally even kiss her temple. They'd remain like that for a few hours, often falling asleep... but whenever she awoke...he would be gone...
-x-
He couldn't be certain, but it was likely she didn't expect him to come to her tonight. Well, she never "expected" it, but he figured she had gotten used to it. But after what he'd done tonight, he assumed she thought he wouldn't come...
...You left... You were going to, but I guess it's too much to expect for him...though the hypocrisy level really is too high... Nice work...
His assumption was further driven by the fact that she shakily attempted to stand, as though she intended to go find him... She fought it, he could tell, but the pain was not going to be ignored this time. Her attempt was excruciating, even just being witnessed.
He could feel his chest compress tighter and harder as she tried so hard to become vertical, his trembling breath getting caught in his throat. He could see it; even trying to breathe was agony for her now...
...Kicking her like that...when she was on her knees... You can't get much lower than that, you sadistic bastard...
...Please... Stay down... Don't do this to yourself... Not for me... I don't deserve it! Just stay down...
Inch by inch...so very slowly... Flinch after agonizing flinch, she pulled herself to her feet. His aquamarines shimmered at the jolting and jerking in her shoulder blades, a bitter taste slipping over his tongue and lips. He pressed harder against the glass, almost tempted to break the window into thousands of shards and make her stop…make her realize how much it pained him to see her suffer for him like this… But then…it would break her heart to know he'd hurt all this time because of her…
-I don't want to be the one the battles always choose…-
…No… Please…don't… Stay there… Lie down and rest… After all that I've done…just stay down and relax… Please…
Begging…crying…pleading… And you hit her anyways… Her only wish is to love and care for you…and you hit her anyways! Why should your words be heard and accepted!
After she took obviously painful breathes, he watched in helpless sorrow as she tried to walk towards the barrier that she never feared to pass; his most feared to cross… But all it took was one step to take the beaten girl down. The air rushed uselessly from his lungs as her tattered arms gripped her sides again and she crumpled to the ground as though some invisible force had kicked her once more.
No amount of glass could keep her stifled gasps of pain and burning tears from his broken soul…
No! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
His black-gloved fist pounded meaninglessly against the unaffected pane, the sound heard only by his ears. He couldn't stop his emotion now, as the disheartened paths burned his pale flesh. His fore head hit the glass once; his entire body collapsing against it, though the support was negligible. Broken sobs; not hysterical, though unstable, wracked his tightening chest as he slunk to his knees. The action was slow as he sort of slid down the window, trying desperately to grasp some reassurance from something…anything…but received none. He didn't deserve any…but in all honesty, he really needed it now…
...You foolish girl! Why... Why... Why!
Again and again, his clenched right hand smashed against the uncaring pane, though his hits steadily decreased in intensity as the emotion took over. His gasping lungs continued to cry that one word question, tears filtering into his throat and attaching to any spoken words.
His body remained slumped against the glass as his thoughts, emotions and reflections scattered about the chaos within him. Soon, the words were inaudible as his tears pushed forward; a saddened vigil upon a solitary ledge.
-Because inside I realize...that I'm the one confused...-
...She won't leave...bound by a stupid collaboration of words... And I can't leave this world physically... Domn it! I don't want to keep hurting her like this...
His emotion started to evolve into violent, throwing his chest into painful convulsions. It remained unstable though, most of it built up from so many nights of watching her suffer for him.
The biting voices stopped, an anguished silence falling around the wavering boy. All that could be heard was his pain and tears; almost as if those voices felt sorry for this boy. To feel such regret...and pain... it never felt more sincere...or real...
...This has to stop...
Burning aquamarine opened to the world once more before he pushed away from the glass, casting himself from the ledge like a fallen angel with broken wings into the Bastion's misted atmosphere. The Bastion was definitely one that favoured heights, the fall being one of the extensive and chilled types. His pale visage was cleared of any lingering emotion as his eyes closed again for a long drop of reflection. It cleared his anguished thoughts, a solitary goal fashioned in his agonized mind...
A dark portal waited for him to near the Bastion's end, waiting to cast him out of direct harm. But the fall gave him the answer to the question he'd asked for so long...
If I can't leave physically...then there's only one option left...