To face one's fears feels impossible
But either decision have become mine
But I break down...pull you close to my heart
All I wanted to do was put an end to your pain
But I can't even do that right...
Beneath the piercing night...my blackened heart dies...
For nothing hurts more...then...
The Tears That You Cry
-I don't know what's worth fighting for...or why I have to scream…-
For most of the walk, the voice was silent, the boy's thoughts completely focused on reflections alone. He could have easily teleported there, but that long venture to his final destination was a final request of sorts, allowing his tormented self to bring the entire situation into perspective.
He waited...outside of her window until exhaustion took her. He had returned after a while and watched solemnly as she concentrated on that door tirelessly until fatigue possessed her beaten entity. He didn't go to her, as he would often do. Words weren't enough; not after what had happened earlier. No apology sincere enough. He couldn't face her directly; that barrier now impossible to break. Cowardly? A little, but he knew her pain would end tonight.
...Now you'll be free to leave... I'm unlocking those hateful chains...
The subconscious is a strange thing... There is much controversy on the subject; mostly on its relation to memories. Does it only keep particular memories or does it keep everything? If it be the latter, then what inhibits the recalling of the majority of past thoughts and actions?
He'd seen the effects of alcohol more than once; mostly in Traverse Town while he spent a useless set of days looking for Sora near the beginning of this "adventure". Thinking back, he sort of related his situation to the senseless drunks he ran into.
Eventually though, he realized a more chilling factor on his end…
He didn't remember names, but he knew of multiple instances where some idiot or another would become so intoxicated, he didn't know left from right, and yet, he would manage to do something either violent or stupid…sometimes worse. But…the next day…one would think it had been somebody else that had been there, the "memory" of the guilty party beings purer than a blank slate…unable to pull up a single detail of the disgusting behaviour he had not twenty-four hours prior. Imagine… Being incapable of remembering something that one would give up everything to forget…
…Riku wasn't that fortunate…
…I shouldn't be allowed to forget, but if only I had that ability to just black out… But no… My consciousness must be alert…constantly…
What did that mean exactly? When people get angry, often times, they'll lose control of themselves and usually, their actions become unmanageable. It was the same with this poor teenager… When the darkness built up too fiercely in his tainted heart, he couldn't contain it, each time seemingly worse than the last. But unlike some pathetic drunk, he wasn't fortunate enough to "fade" into a void mentality and awaken hours later with no recollection of what he had done or said; no knowledge of the humiliating pain he would continually inflict.
Even though he had no control of his violent limbs or insulting mouth, he would constantly feel as though he was doing it of his own free will. He felt his lips and tongue move, the rush of air leaving his mouth and the searing regret of the larynx vibrations. His limbs shifted and acted, and the pain of recoil was all too clear to him. He may be just a puppet bound at every limb, but the realism was too harsh to just brush off anymore.
His palms shook with the pain they felt from the strike, but cried from the hell they caused…
…To him…the darkness was no longer some petty excuse… He hit her, he insulted her…he treated he like shit…
…But now…he intended to cut the strings…
The main doors of the shadowed Bastion seemed to mock him as he approached. Silent laughter of the taunting shadows wisped around him like a foggy mist. Brushed against his lips, weaved through his limp, silver strands and tightened about his chest, gripping his faint heartbeat.
…You won't do it… He controls you… You can't escape your fate… Ignorant child… Fear possesses your pathetic heart… You'll fail… Just like you always do…
His intense expression barely flickered as his right hand rose to about chest level. A miasmic ball of obsidian and indigo pulsated about his palm for a few seconds before those daunting wooden doors slowly eased open. His path revealed, his hand returned to its side. His eyes narrowed for a second before he took his first step out of his one "shelter".
For the first part of the walk, he thought about her. Everything about her. About how much he cared and wondered how much she honestly cared for him. She would say it every day and her decisions always reflected that statement, but he questioned if she actually meant it or if it was something she forced herself to utter.
…Bound by a set of irrational words…
…Yes…it has to be the latter… After all that I've done…there isn't a chance in hell she says that of her own free will… She has such a pure heart that she'll say it anyway though…even if those stupid words pain her to do so…
The harsh realization tore at what was left of his heart, slashing and biting mercilessly. That foolish promise had condemned her heart and he knew it was all his fault. If she had known this was what her future was structured as; loveless, abusive and tear-saturated, she never would have affirmed those words… He knew that…he knew it…
…But now, your heart can be free… It will finally be able to find the love it truly deserves… And you can stop pretending… You'll be able to be with someone who treats you right…
Sparkling crimson delicately streaked the pale flesh of the teenager's chin as his emotion-filled entity continued on its way to its end. The stinging sensation of pain finally registered to him and he wearily removed his ivory teeth from his shivering lower lip. He let the awkward feeling of scarlet life reside on his skin before blanking wiping it into his gloves; the gloves that were filled with crimson life and many years of emotion. Amazing… How two articles of fabric could carry such sorrow and regret, often being more painful that the memories themselves…
It could be that is because they're the ones that do the most damage, being upon those violent hands. It's likely that when his murky aquamarine spheres fell upon them, they placed the memories back within his mind again.
-I don't know why I instigate…and say what I don't mean…-
As his walk neared its end, he began to realize just how much he cared about her. No one would be able to tell, but looks are deceiving… His heart was currently shattered about the abysmal chasm of his soul, but those trace shards that contained the faint light his entity clung to, always shimmered like a distant star when she would appear. Each sense of that tattered heart desperately sought her out, even if the darkness opposed it greatly.
Behind that black, murky fog that consumed his aquamarine spheres, there was a longing to see her, a wish to look deep into her eyes without words. They could just sit for hours; her ocean spheres his only focus in the world. And to see her smile… As unbelievable as it was, she smiled more often than not, and the deep fondness it held filled him with a warmth that only his lost Island's sun could do…
He learned early on in this whole adventure through hell that things had a particular scent. People often knew the darkness immediately, the foul, coppery stench of nauseous death being too chilling to simply ignore.
He was surrounded by it constantly, and it's not a scent that someone gets used to. She made that scent dissipate away from him, shielding him from the choking fog of the darkness. Her scent reminded him of his precious Island, the one he lost so long ago. The calm, lapping ocean, the numerous, vibrant trees and the sweet smell of the special Paopu fruit… It was like she lived there when she wasn't with him…
Despite his violent reaction, he ached for her soft and affectionate touch. He could never make it known to her, but deep within, where those shards of light were lost amongst the chaos, he felt so warm…even…daresay happy. It's like she knew exactly where they were and never hesitated to try and reach them… She never hesitated to just be near him…
Her voice… He couldn't describe what her voice did to him. A soft melody that he thought he would lose the next time it wished to find him. The shadows would furiously try and manipulate it, twisting and warping the affectionate sound, but something inside somehow kept it from completely slipping away. It was the one thing he had when he felt alone and forgotten… It stroked the fading soul of an undeserved boy and intensely fought to keep it alive…
...Taste... As embarrassing as it sounded and as awkward as it made him feel on the "better" days, he longed to know what heavenly taste this special girl carried. He dreamed of defying the darkness and drawing her into an embrace saturated in a passion that was torn from him long ago. He yearned to be the one to discover what intoxicatingly sweet flavour laced her warm, caring lips, to be the truly fortunate soul to savour the true sensation of an emotion he felt rejected from. Sometimes, he felt like he could just barely experience the special taste upon his tongue when she smiled so lovingly at him, but the feeling was so fleeting and he desperately wished to appreciate the true form of happiness...the one that lay upon that celestial smile of hers...
A solitary emotion path slipped brokenly over his paled skin as his aquamarines rose darkly towards the colourless sky...as he realized that dream, that wish would never be fulfilled...
His saddened entity came to a stop as his destination was finally reached. He gazed silently at the alter-like platform, his hands clenching harshly at another of painful recollection. He felt distaste glissade over his tongue and proceed down his throat to infect his inner abyss more so. Like some investigator piecing together a past scene, he watched the painful memory of his stomach-turning behaviour towards his childhood best friend play out the way it had about three years ago. He stole the boy's heart treasure, insulted and humiliated him and left him for dead. What's worse was that he thought Sora had betrayed him then...his actions "were" justified... That is until he finally smartened up enough to realize hid consistently stupid existence...
...He couldn't think of a better place to kill the pain that surrounded him...
His body betrayed him and released a sigh as his right hand refused to let this go on any further; like it feared the prior voices were correct. It's sad when even one's own body has lost faith in his willpower. It rose solemnly from his pocket cavern to where the sheathed dagger lay upon his waist. Pausing for only a second, he snapped the weapon out slightly, unhooking it from its lock within its sheath. His left finally abandoned its shelter to gravitate towards the shadowed handle and pull it from its haven. Gently, he released it from the sheath and laid the platinum upon his right hand, the handle nestled in his left. His stained aquamarine gazed at the weapon intently, taking in its daunting aura.
It wasn't a fancy weapon; a small platinum dagger. The hilt was a chilling hybrid of obsidian and indigo, both colours almost seeming alive in his hands, but both parts gleamed in the obscure Bastion luminescence. The light isn't always as comforting as people make it sound. Like now...
...Maybe I'm making a mistake... Is this really my only option...?
-I don't know how I got this way...I'll never be alright...-
The sound of the Rising Falls around him seemed to increase in volume, intensifying until they became a bizarre form of white noise. It built up a chilling mist about his mind, a numbing fog that seemed impenetrable. If only that were the case...
Like some old movie that could only appear as a visual, images began to form within that mist; each vision of a common theme, but all being of a random selection. But however the method, the effect was the same.
They were of her again, but this time, they weren't of hope and light... His vicious attacks slowly began to replay in his mind. Anything physical was occasional in those numbing two years, but one occurrence was obviously too many...
Too many beatings to count... Palmed strikes across the face; most numerous, often being the only one... He threw her a lot, allowing the walls, floor and any other random object to do the damage he wished to inflict...
Punching or backhands... slammed into the walls or floor... His body cringed as these visions just kept forming, one after the other, again and again. He'd never actually stopped to recall everything, his mind usually stuck on the current night's happenings. And to see them all compiled like this brought more pain than the darkness ever could.
Bruises...lacerations...abrasions... Different wounds...the same injuries... Threatened strangulation... He remembered the time he broke her wrist... She didn't cry out...no tears or flinches...but he knew the exact instant when those frightened bones went beyond their point of no return... It felt like an explosion that shock-waved through his darkened entity...beginning from those malevolent hands of his...
...His doubt faded...the memory ripple possessing his hands again... All doubt gone...
With a swift motion, he flicked the blade up, watched blankly as it jumped, flipped ninety degrees and landed the handle expertly in his right hand. His twitching appendage closed around the shadowed hilt with a grip that couldn't be tight enough. His wrist lay facing the unconcerned sky, his black-gloved fingers covering most of the handle and awaited the grim fate of their owner. Without a flicker of hesitation, he gently placed the curved tip against the shivering fabric upon his chest. His unnerved sternum echoed the trembling of his fading heart as it readied itself for condemned freedom... The solution seemed to be that of a cruel oxymoron, but there was no other way...
His left palm settled upon his frightened fist and clutched it harshly, forcing the fear to surrender to the ultimate truth. This was going to happen; there was nothing to stop him, no reason to hold back... She would be free...and by some twisted luck, he would have an odd variation of it as well.
The cold, uncaring steel sat waiting as his final thoughts took their chance... It had no reason to rush; its job wasn't to feel pity for the sorrow-filled slaves to life, wasn't its duty to weep for those who wanted their pain to cease. It was only interested in one thing; to taste and savour the bittersweet life of those who sought his aid. It would grow rusty from the staining crimson, but it would just find some purifying water and become "clean" again. Unlike those who requested its help to cause death, it had no regrets, no remorse nor fear of damnation; it was just a gleaming blade of platinum, obsidian and indigo.
...Okay... The falls will cleanse the platform as will the water below... It will be as though I never existed...
The unnerved pulse felt the blade ready...as he turned his back on the Bastion...aqua spheres closing one last time...
-So I'm breaking the habit...-
...I don't know where I'll go...but anywhere away from him wouldn't be far from some term of heaven...
A deep breath... One...
...I'm sorry it had to come to this... I wish I could make it up to you...
The most recent attack played its final show for him, imposing more regret and making his last moments the most painful that they could be...
I only wish you could know how much you mean to me...and how sorry I am for putting you through such hell...
Another preparing breath... Two...
...I envy the one who'll be blessed to be with you...and I pray he gives you the happiness you so deeply deserves...
The blade reached the point of just barely piercing... The reaper licked its lips hungrily...waiting...
...Goodbye...
...The final breath... Three...
-I'm breaking the habit…tonight...-
It seems like everyone has a moment when one thing...no...the thing that they least expect suddenly appears to change their life forever. It's not necessarily always a good thing, but it is generally so drastic, people can't even find a proper term to describe it. Riku didn't exactly have that many restrictions at this point as far as the imaginary term went...but the effect was still basically the same...
...It changed his life...
The strike was completely new to him, the feeling never actually possessing once in his seventeen years of existence. Not on Destiny Island, nor throughout the 'adventure' of Kingdom Hearts, mostly brought on by his extensive knowledge of fighting.
Needless to say, it caught him so off guard that the action that followed was almost unneeded. It confirmed his previous accusations as well. It was never done, but the ability was always there...
His cheek exploded with a nearly bone-shattering pain as a set of furious knuckles bit deeply into his paled flesh before the blade could attempt the same with his chest. The sudden attack stopped his action dead, his hands instantly loosening in a hybrid of shock and bewildered pain. That of course made it much easier for the assailant's enraged kick to fling the unaffected blade across the floating stone platform. He heard it clatter to a stop near its edge, not quite making it off.
After a surprised gasp ripped through his still chest, the burst of air leaving him temporarily breathless, the stunned aquamarines of the 'ready-to-die' silver paladin came under siege by a set of violently flaming deep ocean eyes.
Her breathes were short and pained and the flushed colour of her skin indicated her intense sprint to make it to him before he completed his task. But her beautiful countenance, the one that always gazed at him with such loving concern, was now that of what he saw of his own reflection in her eyes during those hateful nights. That face haunted his nightmares, especially since it was always reflected in her shaking eyes, but now, it was all the more intimidating. He'd never seen her angry, let alone this infuriated before… He could hear her breaths, torn and ragged, indicating the violent pain she ignored from her side to get there; another though that threw the stunned boy into a temporary state of petrification.
But that paralyzed condition was just a temporary knee-jerk reaction. That all-too-familiar rage filled back into his chest and compressed that tattered heart painfully. The flames returned to his frozen aquamarines, melting away the shock and leaving a hellish rage in its stead. The burning hate spread like a Shadow battalion after a single heart, consuming his mind and clouding his aqua vision.
In his thoughts, he was doing her a favour. He was finally trying to do something 'nice' for her and this is how she repaid him? By belting him in the face and taking away his final, even only, act of "kindness" towards her? He wasn't just going to let that slide.
His ever-ready hand lashed out like a knife to strike her as he'd always done. But much to his surprise, her hand snapped up and gripped his wrist with a fury unknown. Her enraged ocean spheres narrowed further as an emotion of pure darkness began to flicker within them. But instead of shocking the corrupt silver paladin, it just deeply increased his anger. He was not about to bend to this foolish female…would not let her control him…never.
Cursing her name lie it was poison, he struck at her with a speed he hadn't realized lived within him. Her grip instantly loosened from his furious appendage, and he delivered a lightening side-kick into her lower right ribs, aiming for the exact spot that originated her vicious pain.
She flew backwards, her spine practically merging with the arch's stone pillar when she hit. Despite herself, she buckled and crumpled to the ground, pain screaming through her tormented entity. Her arms gripped her stomach tightly as a savage cough brought forth more crimson from her crumpled form. It fell heavily onto the ground, the rest leaving multiple trails upon her chin once again.
His malicious aquamarines flickered one to symbolize the biting regret he felt to do that., the sight of her blood cutting him worse than his dagger would. But he knew he had no choice… He turned and walked for his fallen weapon, refusing to let this carry on, denying the darkness any more tears…crimson or otherwise.
But as he neared that sparkling blade of awaiting platinum, his lips let out an utterance of upset as the maddened girl threw herself as his lower back, easily bringing the focused boy to the ground. A good portion of his air was lost to a pained gasp as his chest compressed into the numbed stone platform, but lucky for him, his jaw missed taking vicious damage. She wasn't very heavy, but for a moment, her body kept him pinned against the ground, a bizarre subconscious reaction of his faltering heart.
But soon, he felt her shift upwards, trying to crawl over him to obtain what he assumed to be the same thing he was aimed for.
Stabbing shots ripped through his heart at the thought. He knew that if she obtained that blade, it would be lost to him. He would not be denied; good or bad intention, he would not let some girl oppose him.
With a hell driven motion, he threw her off of him and attempted to re-claim his weapon more intensely this time. But again, he was met with a fiery sideswipe and the knife clattered just out of reach. Her attempts were no better however, a darkness-filled attack always managing to that demon's blade from a set of goal-driven hands.
The violent struggle for that dagger continued, each side fighting relentlessly to possess the one variable that decided their fates. However, only one side could prevail… Managing to disable her with a kick that felt powerful enough to halt a truck, Riku's shaking hand finally managed to grasp the miasmic hilt. He got to his feet in a bitter triumph and tightened his trembling fingers about that handle.
But before he could even register his next thought of action, his battered opponent damned her pain, rose to her feet and decided to test her fate to the utmost extreme. Wrapping her hand around the blade of the weapon, she barely cringed as the cold uncaring steel bit into her palm; It lay across the appendage, between her thumb and forefinger; the piercing platinum threatened to reach bone at any given second. If he so much as flinched wrong, she would lose the top half of her hand…but she no longer gave a damn. She could feel her life warm that numb metal and her hand itself…
…But she no longer gave a damn…
"N-No! You stupid fool! Let go of the blade!" The chilling sensation of her warm life falling over those tainted gloves of his wrenched his heart from its darkened rage. Fierce concern and worry abducted his voice, anguish besting even disbelief at her stupid action. Most of his previous fury had dissipated completely, leaving enough for his darkened orbs to glare at her for such an irrational move.
His glower was easily combated, however, focused and intent ocean beating out its paler counterpart. They hardly flickered as they narrowed violently and her hand tightened a little. Another wave of shimmering crimson seeped from her scarred flesh and his will broke further.
-I'll paint it on the walls...'cause I'm the one at fault...-
"Not until you do..." Her first four words since she had appeared before him, and they filled those scattered light shards within him with flaming ice. Each extreme burning whatever it touched in its own special way, though both pertained a common denominator; a poisonous malice that even he hadn't been able to even breach yet.
And for once, he feared her. Her ragged breaths for air, her increasingly intense ocean eyes, the viper's grimace twisting her angered lips and the repeated brutalizing pain she brought upon herself to be by his side. Her life began to weave through the meshing fabric of that obsidian glove, tarnishing and possessing the pale flesh of his gridlocked hand. But what he feared the most was that she wasn't afraid of losing her hand or her life for him. A good thing? Even the darkness is unable to control someone in all ways possible.
Somehow, he convinced his heart to release that hilt, though that darkened entity fought with him furiously. He couldn't force back the burning in his ghostly cheeks nor could he plead with his eyes not to sting with those painful tears that eternally haunted him. He wouldn't let them fall, but as always, it just made everything worse.
She waited…waited in agonizing silence until both of his hands hung helplessly at his side before allowing her left hand to take hold of the slick, coppered handle. Her trembling flesh stained instantly upon contact of her own life as it continued from her fate-defying palm. Keeping her vehement glare with his anguished aqua spheres, she took a few steps backwards.
"Don't move!" The pained silver paladin froze again, the flaming tone shooting through his chest like a tainted arrow. His arms dropped again, his lips separating as though to whisper her name. He doesn't; her glower more than threatening enough to convince him otherwise.
She came to a stop as she stepped beside the stone pillar he had threw he into not ten minutes prior. He could hear her heart gasp with pain as her fingers slowly straightened and that now rusted blade was gently eased from her torn flesh. She herself didn't make a sound; it was her heart itself he heard. Normally, that would frighten him, an obvious trait of his Heartless-infested entity. But all he could think about, focus on, was her; trying to understand her…he'd take whatever sign he could…
His eyes remained focused on her, but he took in everything else with the aid of peripheral vision. He could hear the agony in her stifled breaths, could feel the strain in every fibre of her body, could taste the metallic crimson of her life on his shaken lips; all just looking at her shredded entity.
She waited again…for what, he couldn't be certain. He allowed her life to drencher arm before letting it hang by her side. The blood flow wasn't immense; just a steady trail that slid along and between her fallen fingers before taking a suicidal plummet to the stone below. If time ever froze before, it did so then; two figures upon an ill-fated platform, like-shaded eyes locked in emotional conflict. It even sounded like both hearts, darkened or not, stopped for that solitary moment…
Instantly, she shattered that phenomenon; her left hand clenching around that crimson fed hilt and swinging her arm backwards to drive the reaper blade deep into that stone pillar. Her raw force scared him; like him, her stronger arm was her right and even so, how could she have enough power to plunge that dagger so deeply into that unbending stone…? But he hardly had a chance to ponder that perplexing question…
"What the hell were you thinking? What exactly were you trying to prove, huh!" Though she intended to keep her rage as the burning power in her voice and glare, she couldn't hold back the emotion from slipping into both of them. She couldn't believe that he actually intended to carry out that stupid plan, and it left her shaken and shaken and pained.
He could heart that emotion and allowed the little fury he still pertained to feed off of it. It was that emotion exactly that he wanted to stop from haunting her. And then, she just appears to halt his decision and proceed to yell at him for trying 'to help'?
"I was trying to do you a favour, you stupid girl!" He stepped closer, gaining strength from his emotion and hers. He finally re-established that glare and used to fire the wrath of his words into her heart. When she didn't react, that anger heightened.
"For two years, I've done nothing but put you through emotional, physical and mental anguish… Hell! I bet I've even surpassed each of those and subjected you to much worse! You won't leave this place and I can't… This was the only way I could put an end to the constant pain I make you suffer through!" His rage was definitely convincing, each word and note throwing the answer into her face. He wanted her to regret her stupidity of stopping him, but mostly, he wanted her to see that he was finally trying to do something to prove just how much he cared; he wanted her pain to stop…
Her head tilted down slightly, her crimson-tipped obsidian hair casting her face into an emotional shadow. Her hidden gaze slowly switched over to her bleeding hand. And then, she began to laugh…
Each action sent chills through the teenager's body, freezing those enraged flames and throwing him into a state of iced confusion. His lips shakily released her name into the tense air…
She reacted upon hearing her title, finding it to be almost insulting to hear it from him now. Her cut hand clenched fiercely, a painful shot ripping through her body. Her dripping life slowed slightly from the pressure, but sporadic drops still slipped between her shaking fingers to join their pooled friends below.
-I'll never fight again…and this is how it ends…-
"You wanted to end my pain, huh...?" Her voice became no more than a tear-filled whisper; her heart straining itself to believe what he had "hoped" to do. She could feel him tense at her response, but it was her emotions that controlled her now.
"So tell me...you think I would enjoy an existence knowing the only person I've ever loved killed himself to 'end my pain'?" Her head snapped back up to reface him, broken emotion staining the bruised flesh of her cheeks before diving to meet her crimson tears below.
"That I want to live a life knowing that no matter what I did, I still killed the one person who captured my heart?" Her voice rose in volume as she stepped angrily towards him, her insulted form beginning to shake. "Is that what you want, Riku? Is it!"
His jaw dropped about an inch at her twisted, though correct, version of what his "thoughtful" attempt was meant to represent. His chest began to hurt again at the sight of her tears, her explanation striking him harder than he ever felt hitting her. The burning increased, but he forced it back; he couldn't release it yet.
"No… I…I didn't…" His voice trailed off, his scattered heart refusing to talk or give him the right words to speak. What hit him the most was that she still insisted on her feelings for him, even though she had no reason to; hell, she had more reasons to hate him and want him dead than…
"You didn't think of it, did you?" She stopped, her drowning viridian eyes searching his uselessly. And was met with a harsh blankness that tore deep.
"…You…didn't wonder why I stayed with you through everything…that it was all because I cared? Are you…kidding me?" Her shock and insulted tone bit at his chest viciously. His ignorance…it hurt her more than his insults or his strikes. He didn't want to believe it, denying repeated shots through his body…but her emotional anguish wasn't some illusion within his tormented mind anymore; wasn't behind a spellcast sheet of glass…it was right there before him, her and mimicking her shredded heart and that damaged more than Ansem's bloodthirsty control.
"You're wrong! You stayed because of that irrational promise you made when we landed here!" He began to yell again, though the strength of his words were those burning emotions of darkness this time; the power built as he went through the reasoning he decided upon earlier. He saw shock strike her features, knowing he had caught her off-guard. He knew it; he discovered exactly what she didn't want him to know… Her reaction was enough…
-I don't know what's worth fighting for…or why I have to scream…-
Ever have a moment where the mouth isn't the ignorant one in the conversation? When the mind builds up something so strongly, that everything beneath it is the object's visions and assumptions? And what's worse is, the stupidity of such actions is never realized until someone explains it…though by then, it's probably too late?
Riku was 'lucky', so to speak…there was still a small window of time…and only she could make it visible to him…
He didn't see what hit him, though essentially, he didn't need to. Her stained, though slick hand announced its action with a gratifying "smack" as it made contact with his pale left cheek. He had hit her so many times that she knew each increment of motion exactly, including the impact area and the vicious blunt force it took. The wetness of her fallen life left a lingering sting that tore through his head like a gunshot. That chilling warmth clung to his cheek with a cutting passion, an obvious imprint of her sliced hand gripping his face with a vicious intent. His head whipped to the side, silvered strands following their master obediently and collapsing over his throbbing flesh.
She waited again…paused until he looked at her once more. She stood in a heart-cutting silence until his emotion shaken aquamarines looked into her tear-soaked ocean spheres.
"For someone who claims he's intelligent, you're not all that smart, Riku…" Her hand came up again to silence his next words; she didn't care what he had to say, intent on making this boy see what he was most blind to…her heart.
"First of all, you have a lot of nerve assuming my feelings when I speak my heart. When I say something, I mean it!" Her glare hardened darkly at his newly acquired shock in response to her statement, but she pushed on, her hurt emotion forcing the words into his chest.
"And I don't know about you, but I think the words "I promise to stay by your side… No matter what, I'll always be with you" are all-encompassing!" Another pause of tense silence, which was soon broken by her deepening attempts to stay composed.
He tried multiple times to counter her words, but was subjected to a speechless state of ignorance. Her blood hung heavily on his skin as he watched her helplessly. Those isolated shards of light pulsed weakly, hoping to tell her what he simply could not.
She caught the emotion in his murky aqua spheres and deciphered his failed attempts. Her anger left or at least sidestepped, pain and tears possessing her next words. As though the replacement was her will.
"Riku… I love you… I did before and still do now. I know why you don't want to believe me, and I understand why… But have you forgotten…it's not you attacking and trying to hurt me…?" His entire face dropped with emotion, though his tears remained where they were; burning beneath his flesh and eyes. He started to speak again, but was halted once more. He knew she was right, but…it…it wasn't…
"I can see it in your eyes when you glare at me and…when those strikes land…inside…you're crying…bleeding… The darkness takes control and it is what lashes out…not you… It's not you who hits me…hurts me…" A pained gasp leapt from his lips, saturated in exasperation. The thought of those Traverse Town drunks filtered back into his mind… It "wasn't" them acting stupid…it "was" the alcohol… He just couldn't…wouldn't accept that…
"That's no excuse! Darkness or not, it's still wrong! Those kinds of actions can't just be rushed off under the pretenses of "control loss". It's not right…" His fists slowly clenched, the raw tension possessing his arms. They soon began to shake and his glare aimed for the stone below. His cheek throbbed angrily, growing worse when his skin was reminded that it was still stained with her life.
Gently, a soothing cloth fell upon that aching cheek, the slight wetness washing away the crimson mess from his flesh. His gaze caught hers with a grateful shock, though it was also filled with sorrow.
"No… It's not right… I'm not trying to condone your actions, Riku, but knowing that you would never do that to me of your own free will…it-it gives me hope for the future…" His hand came up to touch hers, but she pulled it away once his came close enough to hold that healing cloth to his cheek. A small shot went through his chest, one he'd never felt before. She never moved away from him like that…ever…
He wanted to think it was because of what he had done over the course of the night, especially that cut on her hand, but something deep inside didn't believe that. It's like he hurt something else…
"But I--I make you cry every night…whether 'I intend' to or not… You… You're crying even now…" His voice fell victim to emotion and lowered drastically in volume. The haunting images of her tears played sorrowfully in his mind as his gaze fell to the ground, silvered strands casting those aquamarines into shadow once again. Only this time, it hid murky aqua filled with anguish as opposed to flaming ice.
"Riku… I cry for you more than because of you." He didn't lift his fallen vision, but he did sense her step away from him. That odd shot fired again…
"I cry because of your pain. I cry because you suffer so much. Because of your regret, your self-hated, your faltering faith and hop." She didn't move, but her anguished tension was enough for another pained shot.
"Riku… I cry because you do…" His gaze finally rose once more, but her eyes no longer were upon him. Her left hand, still saturated in her life, clung brokenly to the front of her right elbow joint. Though they weren't facing him, Riku could see her eyes were bordering the consideration of shutting out the world…maybe forever. A new set of anguish raced down her bruised cheeks, plummeting suicidally when their blackish abyss ended.
"But I believe…continue to believe that one day…you'll beat this thing. It doesn't seem that way sometimes, but your will is stronger than that bastard's. You're better than him. Even if it takes ten years…or more…I know you'll beat him, Riku. And I'm willing…no…I intend to wait until that day arrives, and will do everything in my power to free you… And nothing…not Ansem…not the darkness…and especially not you…are going to convince me otherwise…"
-But now I have some clarity…to show you what I mean…-
Murky aquamarines brightened, if only a fraction, as her words drifted gently, but firmly into the air. He couldn't question her sincerity, despite the shadow's focused prerogative to do so. Everything she had said, her unyielding voice as she spoke those determined words; it was true, He knew it now…believed it now… His previous accusations sounded so weak and pathetic as they hung bitterly in the air of defeat. Never in his existence was he happier to have been dead wrong….
…But something still made him uneasy… Her eyes still wouldn't face him, her entire body was rigid and fresh sets of competing tears still burned their way down her injured flesh.
An icy trickle slid its numbing trial down his spine and the pulse of his tainted heart began to freeze as the drop passed his chest. If she just went through the deepest pits of emotional and physical hell for him, why was she suddenly distancing herself from him? That odd throb flickered again, like a determined candle flame, the foreign emotion burned with a vengeance within him.
Gently, he stepped forward, for once, wishing harder to close the gap between them than keeping it effective. His free hand rose towards her face in a non-violent action for once in the past months, wanting to brush away those acidic emotions burning upon her cheeks.
Though his gloves were tainted so heavily from the past, they longed to lift the sadness upon the precious girl he had come to care for when the darkness would allow. She had done so much and hurt even more for him. He'd never brushed away her emotion before and though he longed to, he could never get the guts to do so. But that anguish upon her pained cheeks now seemed to plead for her comfort… He whispered her name…
…Have you ever been hurt by someone you hold so dear, someone you'd do anything for because, despite the darkness within him, he means the world to you? You'd go through hell for him because you love him; not out of pity or because you feel you must, but because your heart longs to merge with his, no matter how tainted it has become? And you feel like there's nothing in any possible world that could change your feelings, nothing that could cause enough pain to actually hurt you…and then…he finds it…
-I don't know how I got this way… I'll never be alright…-
His hand couldn't have been closer to her emotion-saturated cheek unless the shivering black fabric had made contact, when she released her right arm to swing the left up and knock his hand away hatefully. His confusion was less than subtle as it splashed his lips in raw paralysis. But it's quickly silenced as her trembling ocean hues fell on him once more. And though they were still drowning in her anguished tears, the pools had freakishly darkened, sending those piercing shots through him with acidic malice.
He'd seen hate in the eyes of those who have looked at the traitorous bastard of Destiny Islands; growing accustomed to the burning rage he felt from their glares and soon casting them into the category of bad memories. But when that penetrating acid consumed those darkened viridian spheres, he felt something inside of him shatter and ache painfully. Not because it hurt him, but because he had poisoned the only true light he had left…
"But if you honestly think that taking your own life is the only way you're going to attain that 'freedom', then go right ahead because it'll be obvious that I'll never be able to convince you otherwise!" She had yelled at him with a venomous hatred embracing her agonized voice. Her tears fell harder with every word, each more injured than the last. He wanted to say she cursed at him out of rage, but if that were the truth, it wouldn't hurt as much as it did right now…
"If you believe that plunging that dagger into our heart is the only thing that will kill that shadow…that nothing I say or do will ever be enough…that this solution will bring you the solace you need…then fine! I won't stop you…because it'll obviously just be a waste of time since, you'll just try again and again until you succeed…" Her entire body trembled violently, originating at her chest and quickly spreading. Still her emotions intensified, the shimmering drops bursting form their teal prisons and plunging into the embittering atmosphere. Completely glazed over by a hurt sheen of tears, her eyes glared away from him once more. They fell to her slashed and still slightly bleeding right hand, as its wound flared angrily back at her. Some emotion managed to untie with her crimson tears and the hybridized salty liquids fell brokenly to the stone below; the irony only adding to the pain. Her final words were clearest both in voice and in meaning, as they pushed her over the edge that he feared that one day he would do to her.
"…But don't you dare say you're doing it as a…favour…to me…" The emotion took over and she broke into chaotic sobs, her chest threatening to explode and hurl her broken heart into the icy water below. Her ocean eyes finally shut out the agony-filled atmosphere and willed her tears to fall stronger, faster, deeper. Her legs finally gave way and she collapsed to her knees. She slumped forward, forcing her wrists into the stone in front of her knees as she fought desperately to remain upright. Her body quaked savagely from the devastating anguish within her entity…both physical and emotional…
-So I'm breaking the habit…-
His darkened heart faltered and came to a thudding stop. The cloth beneath his glove sublimely slipped to the stone beside his feet as he witnessed the only light left in his damned existence shatter right in front of his murky aquamarine vision. He'd seen her cry so often from beyond that indifferent pane of glass, each tear burning a hole deep inside the void of his faltering heart. But suddenly, they all meant absolutely nothing once her emotion fell here.
He wanted to say that's because she was crying right in front of him; something she refused to do because she didn't want him to hurt because of it. It was definitely a plausible theory because anything behind a sheet of glass is easier to choke back than the same thing less than a foot away minus the barrier. But again, it would have been easier to bear if that were true…
…Silvery hair to deflect the darkness, though his heart was not so fortunate… It taints…twists and mutilates…but often, it is the light that deceives the heart greatly. It blinded him…held him from deciphering the truth…
…There are four kinds of emotional tears…well…scripted in such categories: sorrow, regret, fear, joy… The light can make each category apparent, but blocks any further study. Sorrow, for example, is strictly sorrow…or is it?
The fallen silver Paladin found out the answer the hard way…
When he saw her cry on all of those painful nights…he knew they were of sorrow and occasionally, regret. But only know did he understand her previous statements, the validity of her tears…
…Then…they were sad… Sad…and nothing more… But now…
He doubted that dagger could ever take away what he felt now…
-I'm breaking the habit…-
Anger…resentment…regret…pain…sorrow…lost hope…failure…but mostly, those crystal tears were stained with insult. She loved him…cared for him…put up with everything he did…never gave up on him…sacrificed everything… And he thought to repay her by obliterating the life and heart that she treasured so deeply…
…And nothing hurt more than seeing those tears stain her light-rejected cheeks…
He fell to his knees and for once in two years, brought her so close to him, he thought those tears would literally "touch" his heart. His chin fell upon her shaking head as his arms gripped her tightly, wishing to cease the violent destruction of her heart. He offered her no words of comfort, no apology or regret. He did not kiss her forehead or stroke her cheek. No… He held her battered form and will for forgiveness…inwardly wished for her pain to cease on that night. And only his eyes, his shadowed aquamarine spheres, mirrored that solitary wish…
-x-
Locked within a prison
For so many years
The best gift he could give her
Was the release of those tears
-x-
…He felt his heart…pulsing within his chest… A piece seemed…not so scattered anymore…
-x-
A glimmer of hope
A reason to fight
For despite his darkness
Riku knew he still had…
His Light…
-x-
-I'm breaking the habit…tonight…-
Fin