The Diary of Lily Audrey Potter
Chapter Five: The Attack of the Sporks

Authoress Note: If I were you, dear readers, I would feel very lucky that you have this chapter, because I feel like absolute shit, I cannot talk, and I can't eat either. The only reason I am posting this is because there is nothing on TV, and I don't think that I can stay awake long enough to read anything without fall asleep. Anyhow, here is the long plot chapter you all have been waiting for.

Disclaimer: I honestly don't think JK Rowling would put herself through the pain of having her tonsils taken out. Even watching people move around in music videos makes me want to cry.

Dedication: To my two lovely "critics." Who I could go on forever about, but I can't, seeing as I want to get this posted, and go back to sleep...

I am also terribly sorry about any grammatical errors, I can't go through and fix them all, and I tried reading today and almost fell asleep, and the chapter wasn't that long, so I don't think I will read all nine pages today...

Tuesday October 23rd, 7:56 AM

Great Hall, staring in wonder of somebody's brilliance

Somebody charmed Snape's hair bubble gum pink...

Anyway, on to more pressing matters. After mum's owl I left the Room of Requirement, and went up to the common room. This time, everybody was in bed, except one person...Dan.

He was sitting on the chair in front of the fire, staring into the fire, not noticing that I had walked in. He was sitting there, just staring into the fire, looking like some deadly secret had been let out. And in a way, something had.

"Dan?" I asked quietly.

"Lily..."

"Dan, are you okay?"

"Sure."

"Dan, I might not be a shrink or whatever, but I know that—"

"Lily! We had this conversation before! Just leave me alone! I don't want to talk about it, okay? Can you just—can you just...go?"

"Fine, I'll go." And I stomped off to my room. And I realized that I had for the second time in one day, walked away from Dan Malfoy. And he isn't at breakfast...something is wrong. But I don't want another fight with him, so I'll just leave him to his own devices, and see if he shows up later in the day...

Lily

Still Tuesday, 6:58 PM

The Great Hall...I used to be eating lime jello...

Dan never showed up. Seriously, he never came to class. And the whole time, I was freaking out. I mean, could one itty bitty dream do this to somebody? But then again, nobody but Dan knows what the dream was about. I don't even think that Drew knows what the dream was about...no, because if he did, he would be with Dan, not sucking jello through his nose...

Lily

Wednesday, October 24th, 11:58

Is History of Magic that helpful?

Okay, two days, and no word from Dan. Some people are now saying that he is locked in the Hospital Wing with some deadly illness, that if anyone in the school comes in contact with the sickness, we will all die. Right...

No, but I am really worried, because there was a girl a few years back, who did this same thing, and then jumped off the Astronomy Tower. Luckily, she did not die in the jump, but did die in St. Mungo's six hours later.

So, I have reason to worry. My whole life has been full of people who say they love me, then do small things that make them seem like they care about me, but then, they go, and the big things they do for me are bad, and make me think that they don't care.

I have to talk to Drew about Christmas; Hedwig started attacking me last night when she came, because mum wanted an answer...

Lily

Still Wednesday, October 24th, 11:56 PM

Oh my Lord...

I just got a ransom note...from house elves...for Dan.

This is what it said:

You, Red Haired Girlie,

House elves wishes that you, Red Haired Girlie, get Dumbledore, that stupid bearded pig, to give us ultimate freedom! And house elves will return the Blondie Boy Who Screams Lily.

House Elves

Oh my Lord. The house elves have Dan. Holy cow shit. This is not good. I could never see him again! Oh, gads, I am crying now...I have to go to Dumbledore, he has to know about this! What did Dan do to house elves? Nothing I tell you! Nothing! He fully supports his mum's House Elf Liberation Group!

This is not good, not good at all. I have to get Drew, too! And Remus, he has become very with drawn ever since Dan has been missing...only now, I know where he is...at least...I know who has him, not his exact location...

What am I doing, writing? Jay was right, I am writing too much. How is a diary going to help me save Dan?

Lily

Ten minutes later

Dumbledore's Office

I am terribly sorry if my writing is smudged with tears, but really, when house elves are holding the one you love hostage, you tend to cry too. The Malfoys are flooing over, and so is my dad, but I don't know why.

Drew is just sitting over in a corner, staring into space, and Bray is next to him, drawing something, while whispering something to him...I don't want to know what she is whispering...I could harm my mind...

Anyway, about five minutes ago, another owl came, with another note from the house elves. And they don't sound too happy. This is what it said:

You Smelly Old Bearded One,

House Elves have young Misters Malfoy. Young Misters Malfoy wishes that a girlie named "Lily" be sent to Misters Malfoy. We House Elves do not want to permit this. You, Smelly Arses Faces, give us ultimate freedoms, and House Elves shall release Young Misters Malfoy.

House Elves

I have one thing to say, these house elves have no concept of the tenses in writing. Maybe, instead of freedom, Dumbledore should give them grammar lessons.

God, I just wish I knew where Dan was. I am worried. He was really all, upset about that night—and oh shit. I just remembered something. Dan "professed" his love to me in his dream. Oh my God.

Where the hell are the search parties? I want to tell Dan that I love him too! I mean, I just, I didn't really have a reaction to what he said when he was dreaming then.

Lily

Ten seconds later

Where do you think I am?

Isn't it interesting how we don't realize things until they are gone, and we might never get a chance to say anything to them again? I mean, the house elves can't be too big of a threat; they are house elves! But you never know, they could try to kill him with forks...God, why did I write that, now I am crying harder...I am such an idiot...and Dan is not here to hug me, and say that everything will turn out okay...

I am so tired, but I cannot sleep. I am too worried to sleep. Bray is holding Drew now and stroking his hair...Drew is so lucky that he has somebody like her...Jay is off with her Celtic friend again, probably snogging in some unknown closet...

Lily

Thursday, October 25th, 5:56 AM

Still in Dumbledore's Office

Dad and the Malfoy's finally showed up. Right before they came, though, Drew and Bray left, saying that they needed some "alone time." The closets in Hogwarts are going to get some good usage this morning.

Anyway, so when the Malfoy's arrived, Hermione, Draco's wife, broke down in tears. So, she was hysterical, and then I started crying, and then Dad came in. Then, Dad started asking me why I was crying, and I told him that that it was my entire fault that Dan is now being held hostage by house elves, because I wouldn't lave him alone, and then, in due time, I confessed what happened when I went up to the boy's dorms that night.

Draco stood up after the end of my confessions, and went up to Dad and said, "So, my son is in love with your daughter."

"Yup." Dad said.

"How long do you think it will take for them to act on their feelings?"

"Good question. If they are anything like we were when all of us were here, then I'll say graduation."

"Christmas Holidays, they kiss on New Years Eve, and he proposes on Graduation."

"Deal."

My dad and Draco, in a time of distress, were betting on when their kids were going to "act on their feelings." I feel sick now...

Anyway, and then Draco said, "Well, Potter, we might as well get to know each other better, seeing as we might be related in a few years."

And I was like, how can they be thinking about what might happen now? I mean, we don't even know if Dan will live. I mean, forget forks, the house elves might use knives against Dan! Does that sound reassuring to you? No, I didn't think so. I don't even know if I will ever see Dan again, and our dad's are taking bets on what could happen? Does this sound screwed up to anybody else?

Lily

Still Thursday, 11:52 AM

Still in Dumbledore's Office

I haven't left Dumbledore's Office for a while, have I? Anyway, something big had happened.

Lucius Malfoy is now after his only son, Draco, and his family. Seriously.

I should start from the beginning, shouldn't I?

Okay, so, when Dad defeated Voldemort, the last few remaining Death Eaters ran for it. Eventually, most of them had been caught, and the ones still left at large were not considered much of a threat. So, they were left alone, and if an unexplained murder came up, or something, the aurors would look into those remaining free Death Eaters. Everything was really quiet on the Death Eater front, so it was put on a back burner, so to speak, at the ministry. And then, this happened. A black owl flew in about ten minutes ago, carrying a howler.

It was for Draco, and he took it. But he didn't open it.

"Lily," Dad said, "Go outside for a while. You have been here for a long time, go get some fresh air."

"I wouldn't bother sending her out; all of Hogwarts will here this howler." Hermione had said, speaking for the first time.

"Why?"

"The howler is from Lucius." And then, Draco opened it. The howler went like this:

"HOW COULD YOU? MARRY A MUDBLOOD! YOU STUPID BOY! LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE FOR YOU, I MADE YOU THE SOLE HAIR TO MY WHOLE FOURTUNE, I GAVE YOU A STRONG LIFE THAT WOULD GIVE YOU A POWERFUL SPOT IN THE MINISTERY, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? BY MARRYING A MUDBLOOD, BETRAYING THE MALFOY NAME AND NOT ONE OF YOUR BLOODY SONS MADE SLYTHERIN! WHAT KIND OF PURE BLOOD ARE YOU? YOUR SONS HAVE TAINTED BLOOD, AND WHEN THE DRAK LORD RISES AGAIN, THE MALFOY NAME WILL NO LONGER BE A NAME OF RESPECT! THE SOLE HAIR TO YOUR FOURTUNE HAS BEEN TAKEN BY THE HOUSE ELVES, YOU BLOODY DISGRACE. THE HOUSE ELVES ARE HANDING HIM OVER TO ME, AND I WILL KILL HIM! THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO DISGRACE MY NAME!"

Then, the howler burned into a thousand pieces. And the first thing Draco did was throw a chair at the wall.

"Draco!" Hermione screamed.

"Damn it, Hermione!" Draco screamed. "He is going to get Dan! God, Hermione! What if he went after Drew, too? And what would we do if he went after Inyx and Kadia? Then what would we do? Do you even know what the bloody man can do? He is abusive, Hermione! He will kill Dan if he gets the chance. God Hermione, I don't want to lose my son!" And then Draco just sat down, with his face in his hands, tears streaming down his face.

And I am crying again. I know I shouldn't, but still. I mean, I care too much about him, and then to find out that he does return my feelings, and then, he is kidnapped by house elves, and soon might be given to his crazy grandfather, I can't help but be worried.

I suppose that the thing that I am most worried about is that Dan won't come out alive. That Malfoy (the evil one) will kill his own grandson, and I'll never get to tell Dan how I feel about him, and then I will die wallowing in my own misery. God, what am I talking about? Nobody in history has ever died wallowing in their own misery. I am insane. Or, it could be the fact that I am too worried. I am going to get premature ulcers.

I need to get some sleep...or food...that would be good.

Lily

Two minutes later

I am of course in Dumbledore's Office

I just thought of something. Lucius, in his howler, said something about the Dark Lord rising again. But didn't Dad like, kill Voldie-Moldie? What d he mean? Is he trying to resurrect Voldemort? Because, like, I don't even want to think about that. Dad just chucked a pillow at me, and is yelling at me that I am too much like my mum, because she is obsessed with writing, too. Dad wants me to stop writing, and sleep.

Random question: How does Snape get his hair so greasy? Maybe he uses a new shampoo...

Lily

Saturday, October 27th, 11:46 AM

In Dumbledore's Office

It has been two days since I last wrote, and we still don't have Dan back.

Drew came up here, and talked to his parents. Bray walked him up, but then left, saying something about stealing Jay's potions homework.

I left for a while until Snape showed up, and told me that I was needed in Dumbledore's office. Dad was leaving, and he had already said goodbye to the boys, so I said goodbye, and he left.

Then I left Dumbledore's Office, and went in search of my brothers. But while I was thinking about them, I thought about my relationship with my brothers. They are like the only people in this world I do not get pissed off at. This is the list I established about my relationship with my brothers:

James—well, there is not a lot to say about him, because we don't really talk. We are too different. People seem to think that because of our names, we would be like two peas in a pod. But, that is never going to happen. James is the Jock, and I am the Punk Rocker, we are too different to have much in common besides blood. I love him dearly, but we just don't have a lot in common.

Sirius—he is one of those highly random people, who you never know what they are going to do. One day, he was laughing his head off, the next crying in a corner. See? Random. And I like for that. He is so spontaneous and out there, that it is fun. But he tells it like it is, and that makes him serious. And then there was that whole girlfriend fiasco. I still think that she was way out of line. I mean, the day after she broke up with him, she went up to Sirius, socked him in the face, and called him a bitch for dumping her, and I was like, didn't she dump him?

Remus—my favorite brother out of the bunch. He is smart, a Punk Rocker, Head Boy, and likes to piss mum off, too. He is the only brother who would out everything aside if I was unhappy, and find the reason for my unhappiness. Remus is always sensible, and knows what he is talking about. And now, my brother is not talking.

Seriously, ever since Dan was kidnapped, he has hidden in the Head Dorms, saying he has a cold, and missed all of his classes. But in truth, not having his best friend around is killing him. So, James and Sirius have holed themselves up in his room too, to "comfort him in his time of need." Which means they are probably watching Hannibal on Remus' charmed computer.

I walked into the Head's Common Room, and sure enough, all of my brothers were huddled around the computer, watching Hannibal.

They were at the part where Hannibal says "Hello Clarice." And then James started laughing his head off, while Sirius and Remus were actually watching the movie, not making jokes about it.

I have to go watch this too...

Lily

Six minutes later...

Head's Dorms, watching Hannibal

Just thought of something...I made that list, because you never realize how you feel about people until they are gone...I suppose I did that, so I know how I feel about each of my brothers before anyone of them leave me...

Lily

Sunday, October 28th, 4:58 PM

Dumbledore's Office (I should just move in here)

Okay, so this is what happened:

Lucius Malfoy flooed to Hogwarts, gave us Dan, and let himself be arrested. Then, Dan came up, confessed his undying love for me, and then we snogged for an hour. Yes, that is what happened.

No, not really.

What really happened was we were at the part in Hannibal where Hannibal cuts the one bloke's head open, when Snape suddenly went flying in, saying that Dumbledore requested us immediately. We went to Dumbledore's office, and we got some news. The house elves, I suppose, do not give up hostages that easily, because on Dumbledore's desk, there was a letter saying:

HELP! THEY HAVE SPORKS!

So, we are assuming that Lucius sent that letter, because Dan should be a good hostage, he is usually a very passive person. But he should come out okay.

"Well," Draco had said, "At least he is safe from Lucius. Now, we just have to save him from the house elves." And then Hermione erupted into tears again. I started wondering if she was pregnant again, because the last time I have ever seen somebody cry this much was when Fred told Angelina, his wife, that she was wonderfully large when she was pregnant with their twins. That was a noisy night, since I was sent up to comfort her, even though I am horrible at comforting people, and I, myself, have never been pregnant, and don't want to, and therefore have not experienced out of control hormones.

Moving on...

So Dumbledore started talking to professors, arraigning what sounded like search parties. But then again, they could be searching for some chocolate chip cookies because of the cruddy quality of Russian food that the second years have been providing us. Caviar is really disgusting for breakfast. And still, I a getting off the point that the man I love is possibly being attacked by house elves wielding dangerous sporks.

Okay, now I feel bad, because I was talking about crappy food, when the man who has captivated my heart is possibly being threatened with death by spork. DOES ANYBODY CARE ABOUT THE INJUSICE IN THIS WORLD! INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE BEING THREATENED WITH SPOONS THAT ARE NOT SPOONS, BUT A VERIATION OF A FORK, OR SPORK!

The world is so unfair.

Lily

Please review...it might make me recover quicker....