The Diary of Lily Audrey Potter
Chapter Sixteen: Twenty Reasons Why Not to Start a Bitch Fight
Authoress Note: Okay, so this wasn't the chapter I thought it was. And that's good for you guys!
Dedication: To my reviewers. I hit 100, and the minutes I saw that, I jumped up, and started screaming, "YES, YES, YES, YES!!!" In the hotel room. I think the neighbors got the wrong idea…anyway….
Disclaimer: Would JKR allow herself to live in an airport for two days? The answer is no.
December 3rd, 2:54 AM
My Dorms, listening to Linkin Park
I am never letting you leave my side. Honestly, I leave you in the Great Hall one day by accident, and my best friends find you and write in you. That is insanely cruel. Anyway, I desperately need to start thinking about Christmas, and what I am going to get people. Like my boyfriend. What do you get your boyfriend? I myself do not know, because I have never had a boyfriend before.
Oh well, I have some new news. Hey, that's funny! New news...he, he, he, it's the same word, only one has a's' on the end! Okay, I am easily amused...don't blame me. Anyway, you know how I got new bras like, two weeks ago? Well, they don't fit anymore! They grew again! I am like, why do my boobs pick NOW to grow? Does evolution REALLY hate me? Oh well, maybe I am FINALLY inheriting my mum's boobs...I was doing laundry over the summer, and I saw that she wear size 48 DD. I wouldn't mind that. That would be nice. But like, my bras REALLY don't fit. I just put one on, and they popped out. THIS IS SERIOUS! I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR NOW! WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? DUCK TAPE MY BREASTS DOWN UNTIL I CAN GET NEW BRAS??????? This is just further proof that my life hates me.
Lily
Same day, 6:34 AM
My Dorms
Crap, you can see the duck tape through my shirt...and really, it's much too hot in the castle to wear my robes closed...maybe if I wear my one tank with the built-in bra...would that work...hark! I have found my swimsuit top! I have no idea why I got a bikini top, but it looked appealing, even if it was a tad big...oh! And it fits! I can wear this for a bit, until I can go shopping again.
Oh my God, someone just came in here!
Later
Same spot
IT WAS DAN! HE SOMEHOW GOT UP HERE, AND CAME IN, AND SAW ME IN MY BIKINI TOP! OH GOD! IT WAS SOOOOOO EMBARESSING.
Oh well, at least he knows I have breasts now. Wait! I did NOT just write that. Oh well, its true though. And he shares a dorm with my brothers, so I doubt he'll say anything. Oh well, I have to go down to breakfast and face another day of embarrassment...sigh.
Well, on the bright side, my boyfriend knows I have breasts. But the down side is that the school still hasn't gotten over what happened on Thanksgiving. But I must go on. I will not let this get me down.
Lily.
Later
Transfiguration
Jay and Bray pulled me over; I seemed have to forgotten the little detail that my bikini is BLACK! And the school shirts are a lovely shade of see-through WHITE! WHY GOD, WHY?
Lily
Same Day, 8:41 PM
The common Room
Asked McGonagall if I could pop into Hogsmead for a trip. She wanted to know, so I told her. She said—after a bit of laughing on her part, I might add—that yes, I could go. IN FIVE DAYS! WHY DID TODAY HAVE TO BE A MONDAY! I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL SATURDAY! I HAVE TO WEAR A BLACK BIKINI TOP FOR FIVE DAYS! This is stupid. My whole life is stupid. Why did I have to have the stupid life? Why?
Lily
Two minutes later
Just talked to James, I am the one with the stupid life. Apparently, he and Sirius have started down a count down to Christmas, and as of today, he has thirty offers from people to come over to their house for Christmas Parties. This only furthers the fact that I have no social life, as the only Christmas Party invitation I have gotten was from mum, and that doesn't count, because she is my mother, and therefore HAS to ask me to spend Christmas with her.
Well, now that I think about it, she really doesn't HAVE to ask me to spend Christmas with her, and she is only asking me, because it would otherwise be unethical. And heaven knows Mum would never want to be unethical. But she happens to be just that, seeing as she has been married for twenty years, and still uses protection. But, then again, she doesn't go around proclaiming THAT fact to the world, so I suppose that there is no problem with that.
Anyway, Sirius just walked in, and is screaming about how the fact that Ron is bi had effected his sex life, because he has red hair, and bears a resemblance to that side of the family, unlike James, who looks like an exact duplicate of Dad. Right...well, that's what he said, not me. And now, James is thanking Sirius profoundly for saying such wonderful things about him. Oh god, I have to tell you what James said.
James: I would like to thank you, Sirius Arthur Potter, for saying that I, James Harry Potter, am the exact duplicate of our highly esteemed father, Harry James Potter. But, in fact Sirius, you forgot to mention something. I, in fact, have brown eyes, and no lightening bolt scar on my forehead. Therefore, you would be correct to say that I look like the original James Potter, my namesake. The entrancing emerald green eyes would belong to my dear sister, Lily Audrey Potter. Lily, if you would please rise.
Honestly, he is SO conceited. But then again, this is the first time I have ever heard him say ANYTHING remotely intelligent.
James: Lily, please, rise dearest sister. You are my favorite sister.
Me: I am your only sister, you dolt.
Sirius: She has you there mate.
Me: Yes, I do.
James: Oh shut up you two, honestly, this is not a contest!
Sirius: Lily, remember when we where five, and we would tackle James?
Me: Yes, it's such a pity Remus isn't here, though.
Sirius: Lets relive our childhood Lily.
Me: Yes, lets.
And then, we tackled James. It was really funny. Or, at least I thought it was. James was bitch slapping me, when Dan walked in, and saw us bitch slapping each other, and panicked. He started yelling, and then Sirius grabbed his ankle, making him fall on top of us, and then she started bitch-slapping Sirius, and then McGonagall walked in.
McGonagall: Mr. Potter, Mr. Potter, Miss Potter, and Mr. Malfoy! What are you doing?
Sirius: Why, we are bitch slapping each other, Professor!
Me: Hey! Don't swear in front of teachers!
James: Well, actually Lily, the word 'bitch' has five letters. For a word to be a swear word, it has to be four letters. Hence the phrase, "four lettered words."
Dan: He has a point.
McGonagall: I don't care! Fighting is against the rules! Detention for all of you!
Yes, see? My life IS crap!
Lily
One hour later
Detention
Apparently, Sinistra didn't have class tonight, so here I am, sitting in detention. Our task: Make a list of Twenty Reasons Why Not to Start a Bitch Fight.
This is my list
Twenty Reasons Why Not to Start a Bitch Fight
Yet Another List by Lily Potter
20.Bitch fights hurt
19.It's against school rules
18.You will most likely get caught
17.It sets a bad example for the younger years
16.Your boyfriend might get the wrong idea, and try to save you.
15.By trying to save you, your boyfriend might get involved in the bitch fight.
14.Guys should not be having bitch fights. It questions their masculinity. If men are involved, it should be called a Bastard Fight.
13.You might lose some hair.
12.You will most likely end up with a huge red mark on your face from getting bitch slapped by your brother, who is a beater.
11.You can get rug burn.
10.The howler in the morning isn't the best thing to wake up to.
9.You will most likely end up in detention, writing a list on why not to start a bitch fight.
8.Because of said detention, you will have to finish essay for Potions at one in the morning, after unsuccessfully bribing your boyfriend to let you borrow his, because he is too strong willed, and in charge of his hormones for his own good.
7.After the fight is completed, you end up receiving dirty looks from the others involved.
6.Guys have a mean right hook. It hurts when they ditch the term "bitch fight," and turn it into boxing.
5.You end up not being able to listen to New Found Glory before bed.
4.When the headmaster hears of this fight, he starts choking on the peanut he was eating, turns blue, and falls on the floor, and when you try to summon the peanut, you accidentally banish it, and the peanut successfully finds its way to the headmasters stomach.
3.Said headmaster stands up, thanks you, and then convulses into another laughing fit, and falls on the floor—still hysterically laughing.
2.The Minister of Magic, who happens to be your grandfather, is in the room at that moment, and floo's the families of those involved, and lets them know of what has taken place. Your Uncle Bill laughs so hard at this news, he falls into the fireplace, and is punctually transported to the office.
1.The number one reason you should never start a bitch fight:
They will always continue in detention.
End Notations: Thanky for reading, and I hope you all enjoyed this double post. I know that this was my favorite chapter to write, and I hope you all loved it too. Oh, and one more thing. If this is not how bitch fights that any of you have seen or participated in gone down, well, in my experience that was how they happened. And in the most dangerous one, I almost got thrown across the room. Luckily, only my chair did. It was funny, though.
Review,
Red