The Diary of Lily Audrey Potter
Chapter Thirty-eight: Men Are Sick Idiots Who Don't Deserve to Live
Author's Note: This chapter is seven pages long! Longest chapter in a long time! Yeah! I blame the warm weather and insomnia for this chapter. Anyways, so it is 2.13 in the morning, and I am just sitting here. After a mind-blowing conversation (I'm being scarastic) about doing illegal things, a fruitless search for pain killers, and stupid conversations, I finally came up with a way to cure my boredom without losing brain cells...updating!
Disclaimer: Me: I need a disclaimer. One that says I don't own Harry Potter or spam.
Friend: Why don't you just tell people that you own it, for once, and see what happens?
Me: I would get my assed sued.
Dedication: To you, the reader. You make my day when you review. (Hint, hint)
Later, 1:23 PM
Study Hall
Blake is successfully a squid. Some of the house elves wanted to cook him for dinner. It was hysterical.
Entire Great Hall: (Laughter)
Libby: STOP LAUGHING AT ME!
Entire Great Hall: (Laughter)
Blake takes a sip of his drink. He pauses for a few moments, when suddenly there is a giant puff of smoke and some weird clacking noise, and the sound of glass breaking. The smoke cleared, and sitting there was…
A GIANT PINK SQUID!
It was funny. Everyone started laughing, and McGonagall eyed me weirdly, but chuckled herself. Suddenly, a house elf burst into the Great Hall.
House Elf: Dumbly sees a squid! Come here Mr. Squid! Dumbly needs to cook Mr. Squid for dinner! Here squid-y squid! Here boy! Here boy! Don't be shy! Dumbly promises that Dumbly will only cut off some of Mr. Squid's body parts!
Libby started screaming, and she tripped over one of Blake's tentacles, and fell into her friend's makeup bag, and emerged covered in foundation. Then I noticed something.
Me: Bray…wasn't Blake supposed to turn into a spider?
Bray: …Uh….whoops?
Me: Bray….
Bray: Look, I didn't mean to…?
Me: Well, if Blake's not a spider, and Libby isn't a squid, then who is being turned into a spider?
Jay: Lily, you mean BLAKE was supposed to be a spider?
Me: Yes, that's what was supposed to happen. Why?
Jay: Well…let's just say that…
Right then there was another small explosion.
Jay: …I didn't know that we weren't pranking Snape.
Later
Outside detention
I'm waiting for Jay to get out of detention. She was found to have turned Snape into a spider, and had detention. Blake is living in the lake for a while, and Libby has taken to wearing turban. She hates me even more now, but it was well worth it. You saw what she wrote in here! I couldn't let her get off that easy, so I charmed her pillows into turtles. I can't wait to see her in the morning, it'll be funny.
Someone is coming, it's after curfew, and I don't want to get into trouble.
Lily
April 17th, One in the morning
My Dorm, listening to Blink 182
Suddenly, my revenge on Libby doesn't seem to matter anymore.
Heath broke up with me.
And you want to know why? Because I supposedly still like Dan, and he can tell. I HATE DAN!
This is the second guy to dump me in SIX MONTHS! I might as well become a nun now, and save myself the trouble.
BUT I DO NOT LIKE DAN ANYMORE! HE IS AN ASS THAT DESERVES TO DIE!
I just can't take this anymore. I'm tired of the drama. This needs to end. I am tired of being people's dirty bath water, of being shoved away when I finally get comfortable.
Men are idiots.
Lily
April 20th, Noon
The Kitchen
I decided to eat down here, because everyone is giving me weird looks once they realized that Heath and I no longer sat together or did anything together. Everything is back to nearly normal, although Snape still has four arms and Blake is still living in the lake.
Potions was funny, Snape knocked over a swelling potion on a second year who was delivering a note, and the second year blew up like a ball. One of the Ravenclaws had to roll the poor kid to the Hospital Wing.
I am still terribly sad. Dan is giving me odd looks and keeps on asking me if I want to talk about Heath, and Heath has been missing for some time. No one's seen him lately. That's fine with me; he's the bastard that broke up with me. I would go to his usual haunt, the library, but I don't have the energy to even go to breakfast these days.
Having your heart broken several times in one year is painful.
Men are sick idiots who don't deserve to live.
You think I would have figured that out earlier. Go figure.
Men are sick idiots who don't deserve to live.
Lily
Later
My dorm
Men are sick idiots who don't deserve to live.
Want an example?
Today after Muggle Studies, Remus came up to me and hugged me, telling me that Dan was perfect for me, and that Heath was a freak.
Heath was not a freak! He was misunderstood and no one would accept him! Will people understand this?
Remus then proceeded to tell me how weird Heath is, and then I slapped him and ran off.
Men are sick idiots who don't deserve to live.
Lily
Still Later
My Dorm, wallowing in self-pity
Mum sent me a note. James is doing really well, and I have to go to court in July for running over a street light and fire hydrant. Joy.
She also heard about Heath and myself, and told me that it's good that Heath and I are over, as I could not handle having a significant other like that.
Thanks for the boost of confidence, Mum!
Notice the sarcasm.
My whole family is against me, it seems. I just can't wait until graduation. I am going to move out, and I'll live on my own, away from all the stupid people in my life.
Hogsmead weekend tomorrow, I am going to look for houses in Hogsmead tomorrow, and hope I find one that's affordable. Money isn't a problem, I'm Harry Potter's daughter. His only daughter. Do you know how much money I got when I was born because I was The Daughter of Harry Potter? A lot. Apparently, my brother's were not in such high demand for Gladrag's Baby Wear line. I mean, there are three of them. Only now, one is a vampire, another is no longer Head Boy, and the other one can't decide which quidditch team to play for; England, France, or Ireland.
It's begun raining. How fun.
Bray is making mud sculptures from the formations in the mud. Half of Gryffindor house is out there, sliding in the mud, but for once I don't feel like going out there. I just want to stay inside and watch movies and eat lots of chocolate.
Eww. I have homework, too.
Lily
Much Later
My Dorm, consuming large amounts of ice cream
I finished all my homework. I'm staring at the wall now.
There is a crack in it that looks like one of Heath's cuts.
I miss him so much. If I didn't feel so horrible, I might go find him and talk to him. But I feel like crap, and I want to go home, and lay in my bed and sleep. Maybe get a hug from my mum. No matter how much we might fight, nothing beats one of Mum's hugs. They can make anyone feel better, no matter what.
I miss Heath.
I think I was in love with him. And he broke up with me. Because of Dan. Maybe I should murder Dan so Heath can be with me.
But then I would go to jail.
My logic sucks.
Lily
Two minutes later
Same place
But going to jail wouldn't be that bad. I would be away from crazy people.
…Then again, I would be with rapists and people who murder people because they want to. Not because they wanted to save a relationship. Unless you are on the muggle show CSI.
May 1st (May Day), 9:21 AM
Defense
It's been a very long time, I know. I lost you in one of my essays, (it was twenty scrolls long) and my teacher just gave you back to me. Sad, I know, but I never said I wasn't clueless.
I'm painting my nails purple whilst Professor Lupin organizes his thoughts. He's getting too old. Nothing against him, he's just getting…old. He could be my grandfather, he's that old.
Someone in the front smelled the nail polish, and is glaring at me. I have one more nail, and I'm…done! Oh good, because he's just noticed the scent.
"Miss Potter, if you could please take your newly purple nails to the Headmistress office, we would all be grateful."
Great. I've been sent to McGonagall's office.
Lily
Later, Dinner
Great Hall
I went to McGonagall's office, right? Guess who was there.
Dumbledore
He was covered in purple flowers, and had me join him in the tango as he stepped out of the fireplace.
"Miss Potter, why are you here this time?" McGonagall snapped.
"Ask Professor Lupin. All I was doing was using my time effectively, like you told me to in third year when I planted dungbombs in Snape's socks." I said, quite smartly, if you ask me.
"And, pray tell, what did you do?"
"I painted my nails purple while he was trying to find his books on vampirism."
"And did he find them?"
"No."
"You know where they are, I suppose."
"Jay stole them when she found out that James was a vampire."
"And so you painted your nails purple because…"
"I wanted to use my time wisely, and it would have taken up homework time to have done it in the evening."
"Miss Potter…"
"Yes?"
"Lily, go to your dorm. Today is a holiday!" Dumbledore said, throwing flowers in the air.
"Albus, what holiday is it now?" Snape said, as he stepped in the room, rubbing his temples while a second year sobbed behind him.
"May Day!" He yelled, jumping up on his desk, and doing some sort of stiff jig. The second year started screaming, and ran into the wall, he was so scared. Snape sighed, and left the room, muttering about how he was very underpaid, while McGonagall began cleaning up her things.
"Welcome back, Albus." She said, collecting her cloak. "Enjoy yourself, Lily. Albus will talk to you about what you did." I started smacking my head with a book.
Later
Common Room
I am so proud of Heath. I really am. I love that kid. You know what he did? He threw Shepard's Pie at Libby's head. And he didn't throw it at her head for any ordinary reason, no, he threw it for me. Heath threw Shepard's Pie at Libby for me! It was so romantic. He told her to shut up about me, and walked over to me.
"Lily," he said, "I'm sorry I broke up with you. My parents made me. But now I see they were wrong. I love you." And then he kissed me.
And if you believe that, you've been reading too many romance novels.
Instead, he hugged me, Jay and Bray started gagging, Sirius, Remus, and Dan tried to kill Heath, but Drew stunned them, Dumbledore stood up and started clapping to "young love", and Libby threw pudding at Heath. And the pudding hit me.
I am now covered in food.
Lily
Much later
Common Room
Ten Reasons Why Not to Start a Food Fight
1. I did not start the fight. Heath did. I was the scapegoat.
2. The school owled Mum—never good.
3. You get covered in food, which will not come out of your hair, no matter how hard to scrub.
4. Your best friends take food dye and thicken the pumpkin juice, and throw it on people, claiming it to be blood.
5. The sixth years start crying, because they got "blood" in their mouths, and think they have AIDS now.
6. Someone starts throwing knives, and nearly takes your eye out.
7. You throw a fork in retaliation, and it lands in someone's shoe.
8. Dumbledore begins licking pudding out of his beard, and Flitwick feints from the sight.
9. Everyone is running around, screaming that they have STD's, when someone trips in fake blood.
10. And the number ten reason not to start a food fight is…the person who slipped in fake blood starts a chain reaction, and everything in the Great Hall is turned over, and not one person was left standing or sitting.
May 2nd, 3:23 PM
Muggle Studies
McHenry is fighting with a can opener again, this time to open a can of Spam. The sad this is, is that Spam has a pop-top lid. Oh well, it gives me time to paint my toe nails black.
The Food Fight of the Century occurred yesterday. Heath has detention for a week because he "started" it. I tell you, if Libby had never been born, none of that would have happened. If Libby hadn't been born, then Blake, her boyfriend, wouldn't be walking through the door, sopping wet.
"Professor…" He's saying.
McHenry puts down the Spam. "Yes, sir?"
"There are piranhas in the lake."
"Uh…Blake, there are no piranhas in the lake."
"You mean…there weren't any fish trying to eat me?"
"No…that was Dumbly, the house elf. He was trying to eat you for dinner."
I hope everyone like that chapter!
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