A/N: READ THIS! PLEEEEEEEEASE! Okay, if anyone anyone at all is interested in the movie Dogma (directed by Kevin Smith, Jay and Silent Bob, Chris Rock, Selma Hayek, Alan Rickman and all that, really awesome movie) I have a Dogma fic up called the Guardian. Now, I wouldn't normally be plugging my other stories in a different fandom, but not many people review for Dogma stories, and it's a new pairing that nobody is into over there so I'm not even sure I'll get ANY, and I really would like reviews to know that I'm doing okay, you know? (Okay, so there's also the fact that I'm a review whore... :-P) So, if anybody has even seen that movie, and has the time, go ahead and check it out (I say that like I'm givng you permission and not begging, like I really am, haha), and tell me what you think! It's mostly about Rufus, who is played by Chris Rock, who is my idol, so if you like him, you should like the story.

All right, that's enough shameless plugging, don't you think:-P ON WITH THE STORY! (Which, by the way, I had ready three days ago, but as I'm sure you all know, was acting screwy. So I did try to get this up promptly!)

Love,
Scribbley-D (hott name, huh? haha)

11:41

((hiccup)) "Dammit!"

"Why did you have to go and get the hiccups, Greg?"

"It's not-" ((hiccup)) "-my fault! I get them when I laugh-" ((hiccup)) "-a lot!"

"Well... do something! Make them go away!"

"How?" ((hiccup)) "The only thing that works is when I drink something!" ((hiccup))

"Try holding your breath! Maybe it'll work just this once!" ((whispers)) "For the love of God, work just this once!"

((holds breath))

((pause)) "Greg?"

((silence))

"Greg!"

((silence))

"GREG, BREATHE!"

((gasp))

"Are you okay?"

"I don't think-" ((hiccup)) "-I've got any permanent brain damage -" ((hiccup)) "-that I didn't have before."

"But it also didn't work."

((hiccup)) "I'm tellin' ya, I need to drink something!"

"I haven't got anything to drink! Why couldn't we have been stuck in a bathroom!"

"Or-" ((hiccup)) "-a kitchen."

"What other inane remedies are there for hiccups?"

"Don't you find it-" ((hiccup)) "-slightly odd that ancient healers came up-" ((hiccup)) "-with about ten thousand different ways to get rid-" ((hiccup)) "-of hiccups, but they never put one thought to cancer?" ((hiccup))

"No, but I find it funny that there are ten thousand different ways to get rid of hiccups, and we can only think of two to use one you."

"I know another one-" ((hiccup)) "- but we need a lemon, three sausages, and a baby duck."

"... You know, I always forget you're Nordic."

"Was that-" ((hiccup)) "-a racial comment there, Sara?"

"You have to admit, Nordic people come up with the weirdest medicines."

((pause)) "It's because I'm white, isn't it?" ((hiccup))

"What the hell? Where did that some from?"

"What? Racial indignancy can only work for black men, is that it?" ((hiccup))

"I seriously hope you're joking."

"Or is it just-" ((hiccup)) "minorities? If I was Latino, would it be a problem? Huh?" ((hiccup)) "Huh? Would it?"

"It's very hard for you to sound threatening under any circumstances, but when you have the hiccups, it's down right comical, Greg."

((grins)) "I know." ((hiccup)) "GODDAMNIT! Is there nothing to drink around here!"

"Let me see if I can find anything on the shelves. There might be something..." ((rummages))

"Anything?" ((hiccup))

"Well, there's detergent, but you wouldn't want to drink that. Why the hell do we have detergent in here anyway?"

"Hell if I know. Keep-" ((hiccup)) "-looking."

((looks)) "You know, I heard somewhere you can stop hiccups with sheer force of will."

"..." ((hiccup)) "Yeah. That'll happen. Just keep looking."

"Here's some hydrocloric acid, that's not good for you. Two bottles of bleach, wouldn't want to take that. Window cleaning fluid... Oh, yeah, that's toxic. Plus it says to keep out of reach of children, so I guess you can't touch it.."

"Glad you can keep-" ((hiccup)) "-your sense of humor through my misery."

"Wait a second!" ((reaches)) "Allt he way in the back here... Got something!"

"What is it?" ((hiccup))

"It's a bottle. I can sort of make out words written on it. 'Stay away, Archie's stash of homemade root beer. Don't drink. This means you, Jacqui!' It's root beer, Greg!"

"Too bad I can't-" ((hiccup)) "-drink it."

((angry)) "Why the hell not?"

"Archie's told me about that stuff. His mom-" ((hiccup)) "-makes it for him, and he only gets to see her on Christmas and-" ((hiccup)) "-his birthday, and that's when she gives it to him. He told me he hid-" ((hiccup)) "-it around the lab because his three roommates would-" ((hiccup)) "-drink it before he had a chance, I just didn't know it was-" ((hiccup)) "-here. I can't drink that stuff! Archie would have a-" ((hiccup)) "-fit. Then he'd sulk around the lab for a couple days, dropping-" ((hiccup)) "-hints about how much he misses his mother and how untrustworthy I am and he'll never-" ((hiccup)) "-tell me anything again."

"... I'm said for him, really I am, but I think that if you keep hiccupping, I'm going to be driven crazy. His mother can always make more rootbeer, but if you don't drink this and stop making that stupid noise, you're going to be dead. Because I'm going to kill you."

"And I though-" ((hiccup)) "-it was going so well."

((shove)) "JUST DRINK IT!"

((gulps))

"Did it work?"

"I think so." ((pause)) " Oh, man, Archie's going to hate me."

"He's not going to hate you."

"You don't know Archie."

"Well, at least now you've stopped hiccupping. Now you don't have to die.."

"... optimist..."

A/N: Oh, and when I said I was a review whore, I meant for this fic, too. So don't forget! 3 Scribs