Chapter 5: Strawberry Red

Jayne pauses at the doorway to the engine room, scans the swirling engine, Kaylee's corner. He can't see Kaylee herself but that doesn't mean she's not in there. He hops down the steps in one bound, and her head pops out from under the engine at the back of the room.

"Hey Jayne."

Jayne crosses the space and crouches next to her.

"I'm sorry."

Kaylee frowns and slides out, a wrench in hand. She's got a smear of grease across her left cheek. She rubs it with the back of her hand, spreading it further. "What for?"

"Leavin'. Not finding you. Not grabbing you. When the…." He doesn't finish the sentence.

Kaylee sits up on her knees. "Don't be silly Jayne."

He shrugs miserably. "Thought you were dead," he mumbles. "Prayed it was quick." His eyes are fixed firmly on the floor.

"You were dead to us too," she says softly.

He nods, "I know. Always figured you'd mourn me, never thought it'd be the other way round."

Kaylee lays the wrench in her hand onto the decking. She doesn't know what to say to him.

"Missed you," he mutters, even quieter. "He did too. Didn't say but even I could see."

"Always knew you had a good heart." She pokes him in the centre of the chest. Lightens the mood. "No one believed me."

"Good," Jayne says, mock-gruffly. He leans down and kisses her on the forehead. "Still sorry."

She giggles. "You've got grease on your chin," she reaches up and wipes at it, making it worse.

Kaylee doesn't want to dream. But all she can hear is screaming. River screaming. And then its dust and silence and three words. Wo ai ni, simple, direct and truthful. From the lips of a dead man. Kaylee reaches out a hand and he takes it, smiles and pulls her close to him. Kisses her. Deeply. Kaylee leans into him. He's dressed exactly like the first moment she set eyes on him, minus the red glasses. Kaylee knows that wasn't what he wore. But…

River's screaming gets louder, and someone pulls on Simon's arm.

"We gotta gorram go doc! Get your ass to that shuttle dong ma?" Jayne's just Jayne. Vera in hand, and covered in what looks like blood.

"No."

Simon shakes off Jayne's hand and digs into a pocket. He draws out a syringe. His mouth twitches. "I'm sorry Kaylee. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She stares at the needle in fear.

He rolls up his sleeve, and then he injects it into his own arm. It drops from his fingers as he grabs the railing. He doubles up in pain, and then drops to his knees. He's shaking all over as though cold. Then his eyes roll back into his head and his body convulses violently. Kaylee grabs him, holds him, and kisses him again. But there's blood, strawberry red, from his ears, his nose, his eyes…His body stops shaking.

"He waited too long." River is standing there staring at them. Suddenly on the other side of the blown out gap which hadn't been there a moment previously. "Waited for you. Cost him. He died without you. Pretty lies little Kaylee."

Kaylee wakes up sobbing. That didn't happen, it didn't. She hadn't watched him die. But it had seemed so real. He'd kissed her; his lips had been warm on hers. A soft kiss but hinting at so much more. But that hadn't happened. He'd never held her in the smoke and screaming. So much blood. River had never said those words.

Had he even said he loved her? Sometime Kaylee wasn't sure if that was real. But it was, her heart said stubbornly. Simon loved me. He did. He didn't die on Serenity.

She rolled onto her side and felt more tears slide sideways down her nose. Six months ago. Six months to the day. She hiccupped. Her bed still felt strange, her room didn't breathe around her like Serenity did.

"Where are you?" she whispered to the darkness. Kaylee curled into a ball under the duvet and stifled further sobs against her pillow. She didn't want to wake her mama or daddy because she didn't want to answer their questions. Couldn't relive that night out loud. Not even for them. They'd asked her of course, what had happened to that nice young captain who'd given her the job of a lifetime. She'd said just one word – Reavers – and didn't tell them anymore. How could see explain what she'd seen, what these dead people meant to her. How Book could inspire faith with just a look. How to explain who Jayne Cobb was at all; mercenary, criminal, friend. Crazy brilliant River and her brother who said he loved her.

She knows they had a funeral, supposed to have said goodbye. But she still wondered, did they really die? Or were they lost? She questions if the others have forgotten, moved on, accepted that they're dead. She remembered Zoë's words when they went back. So final.

Kaylee choked on her wet pillow and rubbed her eyes. She got up silently and went to the window. They sky was lightening on the horizon.

She knows what Reavers do to people. She's heard all the stories. She doesn't think about them like that. I can't, she thinks. Not even in my darkest moments. They didn't die that way.

Instead she just remembered Mal's slightly naughty expression when he offered her a job.

"Wanna?"

His belief that she could put his baobei right. The way he kisses her on the cheek for a job well done. Her big brother.

Jayne's downright disturbing jokes. They way he'd wink at her just to be crudely flirtatious to make her smile. Vera. His secret good heart.

Book's preaching about every job they went on. They way he always interrupted her and Simon. His calm unshakable faith.

River's infectious giggle when they played. The way she danced barefoot on the catwalks.

And Simon's eyes when he smiled. When he said she was pretty pretty. Three little words.

Flowers painted up the wall. Strings of fairy lights round her door. Mal yelling "Shut up!" at her and River. Apples. A pink dress. Grease. The engine humming quietly as she tended it. Protein all the colours of the rainbow. Eating together, laughing round the dining table. Serenity.

Yes, that was what Kaylee would remember.

Translation Notes

Wo ai ni - I love you
Baobei – baby / precious