Chapter 11: No Mercy

Mal opens his eyes and shifts his body carefully. His leg twinges slightly, but its getting better, Monty's medic has done a good job. They've warned him that he'll always have a limp. It will however get easier…so long as he doesn't get shot again. No chance of that any time soon. He sits up and goes to the mirror on the other side of the room. He grips the sides of the sink and forces himself to look at his reflection. He wants to see what the gorram reaver has done to him. Mal's not a vain man, but he wants to know. The cuts on his face are dark and scabby. The medic said his work with the glue had stopped the worst of the damage. Doesn't look like it right now. Mal put his hand up and touched the cut on his cheek. It was deep and was going to leave a scar. He touched the other gash gently with his fingertips and winced. Mal turned his head this way and that studying the damage. It could have been worse, it could have been much worse.

For who? His mind said silently. For you maybe. What about the others? Your crew? Your friends. Did they even make it?

Mal hadn't thought about it, not since Monty had picked him up. He'd blocked it out when he was awake, couldn't bring himself to think of it, and he'd slept a lot, doped up on the doc's meds, no not the doc. Simon was the doc. This man was just Monty's medic.

Mal gripped the sides of the sink hard. Had they survived? Mal had to face the fact that they may not have done. His hands start shaking. He closes his eyes.

Have the reavers got them? Are they floating, lost, because the shuttles were too far from anywhere? Did they die gasping? Mal shudders at the thought and remembers how it was nearly him. They came back then. Where were they now? He can hear River's screaming echoing in his ears. He yelled at Kaylee. He drops his head and a tear leaks from his eye.

"I don't ruttin' care Kaylee. Go! Get the doc and his sister to a shuttle! Now!"

The last thing he did was yell at her. The tears come harder now. He grips his hands tighter. Not Zoë. She wouldn't go without a fight. He knew that. Did Zoë and Wash die in each other's arms? What of the Tams? Had Jayne sold them out to the feds? Had he dared? Did they pass away before he could?

Mal pulled his eyes back to the mirror. Were they alone? Had they found each other? Was Kaylee lying in Simon's arms crying for her lost captain? Was Zoë mourning him? The man the war couldn't kill. Her sergeant. The one man besides her husband she trusted blindly. Malcolm Reynolds slaughtered by reavers. Did they believe that? Did he believe that they didn't make it? He grits his teeth, and winces as the wound on his cheek tightened. All of them, his crew, all…dead…

Mal stared into his own haunted eyes and his knees buckled underneath him. He lets out a wordless scream of desperation and slumps to the floor. A shooting pain goes through his leg but he barely notices. His hands go over his face.

It was here Monty found him, shaking and muttering to himself. Mal's crying and Monty can't remember ever seeing that before. Malcolm Reynolds never cried. He looks like the guys who lost it in the war. The ones who screamed out for their arms when they weren't even gone, the ones who didn't say a word for days.

Monty started to haul Mal to his feet. Mal grabs at his arms.

"Don't tell them! If they ask…don't tell. I'm dead. Dead, all dead. I'll find them. No mercy…all dead…"

Monty dumped Mal back on his bunk. His skin was burning. Fever. He was delusional.

"All dead…no mercy…just death…all dead, dead no…dead…"

Monty feared for him. What had Mal seen? Did his crew really leave? Or had the reavers made Mal watch?

Kaylee sniffles into her parts and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. She blinks as her eyes blur on the part in her hand. He isn't coming is he? He walked off the ship without a goodbye. The captain and Jayne and River had come back ages ago, saying they had been to stock up with supplies. Inara had arrived later, looking agitated. Inara never looked agitated. He ain't coming. They didn't say a word about Simon. None of them.

Simon didn't even make eye contact with her when he left. Just walked out. No three little words this time. Maybe he didn't think of her in six years? But Jayne had said…But he'd tried to kiss her by the fire, had kissed her last night. Was that kiss the reason? Was she bad at kissing? That's why isn't it? I'm a bad kisser and I drove him away.

A soft cough brings her back to the present. She looks round in the direction of the cougher.

Simon stands in the doorway, a duffel bag at his feet, a couple more bags behind him, wearing smart vest over a white shirt. The gun from his hip is missing and he is fidgeting.

"Permission to come aboard?" he finally says.

Kaylee frowns in confusion. "Ain't me you need to be asking."

"Yes it is."

She stands up and walks towards him. He's come back. She feels like she's fizzing inside. "Why?"

"I was going to leave today."

The fizzing subsides instantly.

Simon stares very hard at the floor. "But I couldn't. Mal, well he gave me a choice…"

Kaylee interrupts. "Mal?"

Simon nods, still staring at the floor. "He, Jayne, River and Inara kidnapped me from the hospital. He made me choose between coming back to Serenity or saying goodbye to you in person." There's a long pause. "And I couldn't. I couldn't say goodbye to you."

"Then why did you leave in the first place?" Kaylee can't forgive him that easily.

"I was afraid." The last word chokes in his throat. "I tried to build us a normal life…well as normal as possible with Jayne. Then those letters made me think…Then you happened and I couldn't pretend who I was. I mean I couldn't even see Jayne and River's feelings for each other right under my nose. I was so caught up in pretending that I forgot who I was. You know I'm rubbish at these sort of things." He's fidgeting worse now. "Please Kaylee. I'm sorry Kaylee. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He's babbling now.

But his words are what he said to her in dreams so many times. Sorry for leaving, sorry for dying, just sorry. And now he's looking at her with puppy dog eyes, and she can't hurt him anymore.

"Come aboard doctor."

He grins and fishes in the bag at his feet. He walks towards her, holding out a jar. Kaylee frowns slightly, and then twigs what it is. "Jam?"

He nods. "Peace offering. I couldn't get real strawberries. Figured you'd like jam too."

Kaylee takes the jar from him and unscrews the lid. She sticks her finger straight into the jam, then pulls it out and sucks on it. She closes her eyes and a soft mmmm noise escapes her lips. Her eyelids flicker.

Simon decides that there is nothing in the 'verse more erotic than Kaylee right now. He vows that on Persephone he will buy her a bucket of fresh strawberries, just so he can watch her eat them.

"So Kaywinnet Lee Frye can I stay on your ship?"

She grins. "One condition."

Simon's eyes widen momentarily in a slight panic, but he recovers quickly. "Name it."

"Kiss me again." She raises her eyes to his with a smile.

"Yes Miss Kaylee," he murmurs, dipping his head to kiss her deeply.