DISCLAIMER: This one's a bit longer then the others, please enjoy, I actually put some thought into THIS one. : ) I don't own Harry Potter, Snoop Dog, The Godfather, or South Park. : (
Chapter Four: The Blunt Man's Daughter
The woman stopped and looked at the kids for a second. "Yes." She replied slowly. "Most just call me Kitty, though." She smiled. Towelie tried to stifle a laugh, but ended up commenting to Brandon and Hermione, "I've seen alota kitties in my day." Brandon nearly choked. Hermione simply said, "I have a kitty (Brandon choked again) Her name is Shaggers (more choking from Brandon) I pet her EVERY day." (Brandon is now on the floor choking to death with laughter.) Towelie put his hand over his eyes and shook his head.
When Brandon stopped laughing long enough to get up and stumble into the empty corridors with the rest of the group, Harry asked the woman. "Ok lady, that pot smokin' hippie, Dumbledork told us that you knew who the so called "Blunt Man" is…" But Harry was cut off by Kitty clamping her hand over his mouth--an earnest look in her eyes.
"Don't talk about HIM out loud like that." She whispered. "So you DO know who he is?" Ron spoke up. "Of course I know who he is dumb ass, he's my father." Five jaws simultaneously dropped to the floor. "Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa… Whoa, now wait just one manizzle." Brandon shouted. "HE'S YOUR FUCKING FATHER?"
Kitty glared at him and yelled at the top of her lungs, "SHUT UP!" Then in a calm, quiet whisper she stated, "No one is supposed to know that. If anyone knew HE was MY father, EVERYONE would KILL me. Even that creep Dumbledork doesn't know THAT. He just thinks I know who he is, nothing else."
"Well, besides being your father, who is he? Where is he? Why the hell is he stealing all our weed?" Harry put his arm around Hermione and she rested her head on his shoulder. Brandon looked at the two and wanted to puke. Inside he was thinking, "Why the fuck would a hot… damn hot… chick like her wana be with…Harry. I mean, yeah he's my Gangsta bro, but what does Hermione see attractive about HIM?"
"My father is a fucking dick-lick. My mother was a hooker and they met behind a strip club. You think the club "Ass" is bad…HAH, G-rated compared to the shit my mother did." They never found out exactly what her mother did, because she continued after a gasp of air.
"Anyway, When I was 16 I was like "fuck it" I ain't living here no more, we actually lived where my mom worked. Long story short I, heard about Hogwarts, rented an apartment on the 13th floor, they're really cheap on that floor…can't imagine why." She scratched her head. Hermione wondered if she was being sarcastic or if she was serious. Again there was no time to ask because Kitty continued again with her constant babbling.
"So like everyone here I met Hagrid and the Perverted Hippie and soon I discovered the Chamber of Blunts." "The Chamber of Blunts?" Brandon asked. "Yeah, It's a huge room filled with bags of weed. When I stumbled upon it five years ago, I realized I found out where all the missing people's weed was ending up. There was another weed shortage then too. Another long story short, I found out the Blunt Man was my father. I found out he disowned me because he hated kids. When I asked him why he was stealing peoples weed he said he hated kids so he hated kids who had weed. He wanted weed more then any of them deserved it so he changed his name to the Blunt Man and started stealing people's weed for himself."
She paused again to catch some air. "Well," Ron started, scratching the back of his neck, "That sure does settle that." "What the hell are you talking about Ronald?" Hermione screeched. "Yeah, dumb ass." Harry chimed in. "All this means is that now WE have to go into the Chamber of Blunts and fight the Blunt Man so that not just us, but everyone at Hogwarts can get their weed back."
"Your right Harry." Brandon agreed. "I've seen you when your not on drugs, man you are fucking asshole!" He started laughing. Everyone else snickered with him, except Harry. The vain in his forehead looked ready to explode, splattering bloody blood all over the walls.
"Wait a minute kids, are you saying that you want to march into the Chamber of Blunts, Kill my bastard of a father, take the weed, and return it to everyone in Hogwarts?" Kitty's jaw was practically on the floor. "Yup." Brandon coolly commented. Kitty's jaw was now planted to the floor.
It took a minute before she could compose her self. Then she had a wicked little thought. "Just how on earth do you think your going to defeat the Blunt Man children?" "Oh, we have our ways." Harry smiled pulling out his wand. Three other wands were held up in the air.
(the screen pans to Towelie.)
Towelie takes a drag of his weed. His eyes are bloodshot and his fluffy toweling is all matted and dirty. "Ha…dude…I…I have NO idea what's goin' on…hee hee hee…" Begins hacking, passes out. Hermione runs over to Towelie shaking him, trying to wake him up, all while cussing him out in the process.
Four sighs were heard, the Kitty continued with her insults. "You kids are really stupid aren't you? DUH! The Blunt Man is impervious to magic. If he wasn't I would have killed him the day I met him, morons." She whipped out a mahogany wand that looked new. "If you want to stop him THAT badly, I suggest you go see Señor Draco Corleone."
"Who the hell is he?" Hermione looked up. "If you could show a LITTLE respect missy, he is the head of the Hogwarts Mafia. Draco is who keeps this place from self-distrusting. Now if you please, I have a wet T-shit contest to get back to. If you have anymore questions I highly suggest you talk to him. His office is on the sixth floor. You can't miss his door, you'll see what I mean when you get there. Goodbye." With those words she entered the Wet T-shirt room leaving the four kids and a passed out towel in the empty corridors.
"I think we can pull this off." Ron stated sadly, slumping to the floor.
"Harry, where are you going?" Hermione asked. Several yards down the hall Harry was making his way to the stairs.
"I'm not giving up, that lady's a bitch, I don't know about you fucks, but I'm going to see this Draco character now. I want my fuckin' weed."
Since no one wanted Harry to go through another one of his "pissed off" episodes, they eagerly followed him up the stairs to the sixth floor.