A/N: This is kinda weird. I think I had a moment of stupidness, and submitted before the chapter was done. Oh well. We at the Turiya Foul Mental Hospital will figure it out sooner or later.
5 ½. The Zipper Goes in the Back, part 2
I hate her. I really, truly hate her. "No medication," her note said, and why? Why? She probably knew that those shots would make me ill. Oh, everything from the collarbones down felt fine, but up… I wondered absently if she'd hit any nerves with those needles.
Angsty, I sat at my computer desk (which was covered in junk, I'll admit) and contemplated the Internet. Maybe it would hold the answers… I typed in my approximation of the spellings of "Yautja" and other stuff on Google. I got the "Did you mean…?" thing for most of it, but a few were alright. All I found was nonsense and a few fan fiction sites. The nonsense I avoided, but Liz had mentioned fan fiction, and its reality.
From that, I learned that human beings have dirty minds. Really, why would anyone date outside of their species for any practical reason? But then, I remembered those McCaffrey books… Ok, sometimes it's alright, but - as I stared horrorstruck at the screen - that just ain't right, right there. The one thing that I did learn, though, is that until about forty Earth years of age, Yautja are considered teenagers. In other words, I'm dealing with someone who is possibly lower than me on the emotional and hormonal ladder. (If the female of the species even has hormones; no one seemed clear on that.) So, the arguing is normal. Jolly.
I was reading Harry Potter fluff when K'ata triumphantly returned. I ignored her as she entered the retreat area, but as she approached me, I turned around in my swirly-chair and said in my Tony Bennett voice, "Hello, beautiful."
She watched me curiously for a brief moment, and then muttered, "Still hallucinating."
"Actually, my dear, you are rather pretty. Just not on a sane human scale. And I'm not hallucinating; I've just got a very bad headache."
"Sorry to hear it." Well, we'll work on the vocal emotion later. Unless that apathetic tone was intended.
I rocked in my chair silently, and looked at her. She'd changed her clothes. Light beige Bermuda-looking shorts and a green-black shimmery top, and there were copper beads in her hair instead of the gold ones I'd become used to. Her knees and elbows were wrapped tightly in some sort of thick, black gauze. Thick copper bangles glimmered on her wrists, with diamonds set into them. Why all the pomp? What on Earth - oh, crap, it's what's not on Earth that worries me - had she been doing?
"So, er, Miss Universe, can I get some pain pills now?" I asked innocently. To my surprise, she laughed lightly and gestured to the door. "I hear and obey, El Presidentina, most Merciful Being--"
"Just get the medication, my favorite numbskull," she said, still laughing quietly. I did. Too bad they don't make Instant Advil, you know, like instant coffee? That would be wonderful…
"Hey, Spacemonkey, why're y'all in the movies?" I asked in my "Tennessee" accent. Okay, so what, I talk like a Yankee, big deal, I have to do accents to keep people from asking what part of "up Narth" I'm from.
She rolled her eyes. "They're an embarrassment to the species, I hope you know." Nods. "Alright, you know what a conspiracy is?" Nods. "Do you know what a higher being is?"
"You?"
She contemplated the ceiling for a moment before saying, "Morrick, even if that is true - and it is - what have we discussed about you not talking when I have to explain something to you?" I covered my mouth with my hand. She seemed to consider this satisfactory. "Yes, the Yautja are higher on the evolutionary ladder than humans. But, believe it or not, we are not the highest there." She toyed with one of her bangles. "Some beings are composed of flesh, as we are. Others, light or water. Some change their forms; we can do this to a very limited extent." She extended her arm and covered part of mine with it; her skin changed like a chameleon's would change, copying my color exactly. "Do not speak," she said as her skin changed back to its orange-y beige-y color. "Now, other creatures have no physical forms. They are pure energy. They can either use existing bodies, or they can influence others' minds, simply to have their opinions heard."
I had to interrupt. My memory of that summer was returning. Someone else had told me exactly this same thing, except they'd straight away given the fleshless ones a name:
"Demons? You're talking about demons, aren't you?" I asked her faintly. She gave me the severe look.
"I do not know what these--"
"Look in my mind, dummy! It's all there!" I said quickly, before she could finish and berate me for interrupting. She just looked at me, and then I felt the terrible pain returning, the pain that no mortal creation could heal. My hands instinctively covered my mouth to keep the screams in. How long had it been since this'd happened, I tried desperately to remember. Nothing, nothing…
K'ata was shaking me again. I probably looked like a rag doll, with my fluffy hair flying. "Morrick, breathe." In one hand she held both of my wrists, in the other my shoulder, shaking me. I was fighting her, I realized, and when that glorious epiphany occurred, my strength failed. She released me only when I started breathing again.
"Conditioning?" I asked her when I felt less… blue. She nodded, and pulled another needle from her thigh pocket. "No! I refuse to be sedated again!" I said as she grabbed my hair. Since when did one's hair become an official leash?
"It is not to sedate you. This," she said, shaking the needle, "is full of nanytes."
"But you just took nanytes out of my hands," I protested.
"Those were tracking nanytes. There are different kinds of nanytes, you know. Some are implanted, to track and explode later, like yours, and some are the typical bloodstream kind that help healing and increase intellect. (We use these.) I've reprogrammed some of ours to repair and reverse your conditioning. Whatever they wanted you to forget…" She put the needle to my neck.
"It would be lovely if someone at least asked for my consent on anything," I said, with my usual lack of subtlety.
She gave me a look. "Morrick, do you want my help?"
I made a show of considering. "Naahhyes," I said.
"I heard a yes," she said, and plunged the needle in.
"That hurt," I said with a grimace. "Am I supposed to be feeling anything?"
"Nope."
Alrighty then! "Okay, can I go back to my life now?" I asked sarcastically.
"Life?" she asked. "Honey, you signed away any life you had when you acknowledged my existence." At my horrified look, she said, "Goating. Er, kidding. Oh, bugger, I don't know. Your mind's too jumbled to get anything from."
You have no idea how disconcerting it is to have your alien roommate use your vocabulary. "You ain't right," I declared. "Look, I have to clean." Feeling devilish, I asked her, "Wanna help?"
"I--" she said. "Ha ha, very funny. Not. You try anything, you're a dead man, understand?"
"Yes, Clint Eastwood. I hear and obey, O Most Merciful Being--"
"Oh, do shut up!"
"Help with the cushions?" I asked her as we surveyed the living room. It was in desperate need of dusting, vacuuming, and de-garbaging. The cushions on the couch - and there were about twenty of them - were to be vacuumed, and piled by the loveseat, Claudia's orders. (You might think I'm a wimp for letting my sister boss me. Well, I am, as she's bigger and meaner than me.) "The cushions aren't hard to vacuum, they're just time consuming," I explained after I'd shown her how to use the mini vacuum. "Without them, I'd probably finish the rest in half the time."
"Fine," she said. "Is this always the result of human celebrations?" she asked, staring openly at the cans, chip bags, popcorn and other stuff on the floor, walls, furniture and, in the case of one unlucky glob of cake, the ceiling. Claudia had thrown a Nascar party with her college friends.
"Humans, probably less damage. Claudia, though… Yeah, pretty much. There've been worse, though. She actually had to pay me to clean that mess."
"I do not wish to know," she said uneasily, and went to work on the cushions. I did the rest. I even finished before her. (To be fair, she only had two left. I killed the other two with the big vacuum's attachments.) "That was unpleasant. We have machines to do our work for us," she said haughtily. You'd think that might annoy me, but I think it's kinda cute, now that I know that she's younger than me. That just sounded weird in my mind…
"I am older than you!" she yelled at me. "I am five Earth years older than you!"
"Yeah, and you're still a child. You won't be considered an adult until you're like forty in Earth years. If you were human, you'd only be like nine or ten now." I'm going to be beaten to a hamburger-y pulp in a moment, I just know it.
"You do not need to tell me what I already know," she said, head lowered and mandibles clicking listlessly.
Crap, I'd upset her. This is like when Liz stops complaining, and lets me have my way with the remote. I automatically hear a snake rattling, because she'll get me back somehow; it's better to just give up the remote. I was hearing the rattling now too. "Oh, K'ata, I'm sorry." I laced my fingers into hers, and said, "I didn't mean it to sound mean. I was only curious."
"There is no need to apologize for what is true," she said, still listless. "I have been trying to deny the truth, and I cannot." She shook her head.
"You're still smarter than I am," I said, and stuck out my tongue at her. She grabbed my nose and shook gently. "Dat id nod funny," I said with feigned seriousness, and ruined it by giggling.
She released me, and said, "You have other tasks to complete." Indeed I did. Claudia had left a list on the refrigerator, and there were other things on it that I could do now without ruining the cheery moment. Laundry - mine, Mom's, hers - and a list of what I wanted for eating the next week or so. Clean the kitchen. The bedrooms and bathrooms need cleaning. Blah, blah, blah. I dealt with the laundry, sorted it, you probably know, the typical laundry stuff. That dread process started, I went to the list making.
Most of the stuff I put on the thing would have made someone familiar with Cantonese cuisine cringe. It was just to annoy Cloudy. Luckily, she knew what my dietary needs are better than I did. (And after all, I got that diet book from her.)
After that, I cleaned everything. I felt like I should have been wearing one of those French maid uniforms. Much worse, I actually had one. (Well, you can't watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show, or whatever it is, and not be affected in some… way. Me, I turned all of my friends into crossdressers, along with myself.) I didn't really want to put it on, but… No! I will resist!
"Why are you dressed as a female?" K'ata asked from the door. Laughing, she typed something into her computer-thing, and a hologram of me, in the dress, appeared. "I'm sending this along with my letter of resignation," she told me. "And a lot of the other stuff you do that entertains me."
"You've been filming me?" I asked incredulously. "Never mind, these heels are killing me."
"I'm sending that as well."
"Want me to do my Mr. Sexy, Benny Mardones dance too?" I asked sarcastically.
"Might help," she said cheerfully, and then followed it with a series of rolling clicks.
"Do you want your people to think that I'm a hooker?" I asked, shocked.
She laughed roguishly and said again, "Might help."
I, however, searched diligently for the Lazy Camera Dude. I had a bit of trouble finding him, as he was under the computer desk in Cloudy's room. "Hey, dude?"
"Yeah?"
"Know the alien chick?"
"Uh, yeah, not personally or anything, but, uh, yeah, we talk, sometimes, yeah."
"Uh huh," I said, marveling at human stupidity. "Well, yes, I think that she's turning into a pirate. You know, the Johnny Depp type."
"Oh, dude, wicked awesome!" he said, and then, as a side note, told me, "You're wearing a dress, little dude."
"Someone please shoot me," I groaned at the mauve walls. "And neither of you," I said to K'ata and the camera guy.
And thus continued my day. (For any of you weird people, I took the dress off after a while and returned to my pants, socks, etc.)
"Um, Morrick, could you please get your self down here?" Cloudy yelled up the stairs. Drat the woman. Drat her, drat her drat her! (In case you're wondering, swearing is the language of the ignorant. Yeah, that's a part of my conditioning that hasn't worn off yet.) "Now!"
"What, you crazy hippie?" I asked her.
"Notice anything odd, Morrick?" she asked me.
"Um… There's no cake on the ceiling, now?" You cannot pay me to be nice to this woman.
She glared at me, and said, "True. What else?"
"I don't know, you stupid hippie! You're the one that dragged me away from playing Murder in the Dark!" Okay, actually, it was a feet-soaking session. Those heels hurt.
"I am not a hippie, you little--!" she calmed herself. "Morrick, if you'd please direct your attention to the sofa, you should see what I mean."
This must be what marriage is like. I didn't see anything wrong, so I said to my sister, "Ain't nothing wrong with it, hippie."
"Look at the bloody cushions!" she yelled at me. She meant the big ones that I'd done.
"What's wrong with them, hippie?" I asked charmingly.
She covered her face and started trying to gouge out her eyes. After a moment, she said, "Ow. And look closely at the cushions, Morrick. See anything different about them?"
I answered dutifully, "No, hippie."
She swore viciously at me. "The zippers go on the back, you moron." As I turned to leave, she muttered, "Fascist."
"Communist hippie," I muttered back. Actually, I love the hippies. But, due to my sister's dislike of them, I had to bring them into this a few months ago. But, don't worry, no hippies were harmed in the making of this… whatever it is.
I returned to my room, and found K'ata trying to work my computer. I stress the word trying. It reminded me of that Star Trek movie where Scotty tries to talk to the computer through the mouse, except for the fact that she was speaking Yautja and typing and swearing in English all at the same time. "Hello," I said neutrally. "Has Mac," so what, I named my computer after MacGyver, "offended you in some way, that you feel you need to punish him?"
"Yes. He shut of when I--" She stopped and asked me, "Your computers have a gender system?"
"Yup. Male, female, hemale, shemale, itmale, nuetermale, mechanomale, anonymale… No, I'm… goating. It's just more human silliness." Yes, I have read all of the Xanth books. Do you still wonder why I'm strange? "He shut off when you what, exactly?"
"Um… Nothing." At my glare, she said, "Okay, I give. I was going to destroy all of the information that you have gathered on me."
"What information?" I asked, honestly confused.
She looked at me for a moment. "Oh. That wasn't you."
"What are you talking about?"
"Never you mind, dearie. There's a boy with an appointment at the butcher's soon, though."
"I hope you find better fitting awu'asa before then. With all the noise that set makes, he'll hear you from a mile away," I said, referring to the full body armor.
She sighed. "There's no help for it. I'll have to try the male awu'asa. Might work." She glanced at me. "How do you know that term?" she asked curiously.
"The Glorious Internet. And don't bring the corpse back here. Goat blood in the carpet, I can explain. I can't get human blood out, though." Hey, I'm morbid. Deal with it. Feeling a sick sense of fear, I asked her to describe the boy.
"Taller than you, black hair, lighter skin than you, wearing a black trench coat, black leathers, boots, etc. He wore black lenses as well. Looked very skinny, too." I'd been teaching her about Earth fashion. Handy, eh?
"Please don't kill that one."
"Sorry, I have to. He's seen my ship, Morrick. You and Liz, I trust, but this other was being a spy. That's death, and you know it."
"He's trustworthy, though. And one of my best friends," I added desperately. "Look, I'll make him apologize to you for spying. It's just what he does. He searches for weird stuff, takes it back to his house, and analyzes it. He's just weird like that." She was going to let up, I noted carefully. "I'll Email him now, and he'll come over tomorrow. Alright?"
"You talk more than any human I've ever seen," she said boredly. "It's just lovely. More people to know that I exist."
"Hey, it isn't that bad. Wanna play Monopoly?" I asked.
She groaned, and I heard the words "Not again" quite clearly. With a stupid grin on my face, I went to get the Monopoly game.
A/N: Yes, I know, I'm a bad person. Naughty, naughty Riya.
Scarface: Thanks for the review! Just for the sake of my sanity, I don't think any of her friends will show up, but, of course, some might not be considered friends. grin grin wink wink I don't think she thought she was being mean though.
Olafur: Happen? Oh, dear. Well, ahem, there is no romantic thing going on, in case anyone else was thinking that. And what are reviews for, if not to consider thoughtfully over one's seventh cup of coffee?
Zappy: Ah, but does K'ata know she's being "mean"? Nanytes are - in this case - really, really small, like microscopic small, robots that are used to either - oh, I did explain that. Woops.
does the spam song