Disclaimer: I don't own… eh, you know what I don't own. If you've heard of it, I don't own it. And, if you're offended by the new puppy, well, you have no sense of humor.

11. Boredom, QVC, and Bad News

"And this is the first time we've had this on flex-pay. Three payments of thirty-eight…"

"Look at that shimmer, you don't get quality like that with anything but Diamoneque, so…"

"We're out of sizes seven and nine, but we still have five, six, eight…"

I threw the remote at the television out of sheer desperation. Kit Ray, the knife guy, was supposed to be on tonight at three, and it was only half-past ten. On Fashion Day. Women's Fashion Day.

"I'm not getting that for you," K'ata said glumly. She was just as bored as me. "How long till it--"

"Four and a half hours. Four and a half long, painful hours." My voice was dull. Six hours so far of female fashions that were, unfortunately, ugly. If Liz wore anything from the tele, I'd kill myself with a spoon.

"I'm bored."

I stared at her. Who woulda thunk it? "Well, we could watch a movie," I said cautiously. "Legally Blonde, Cats, Devine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, The Full Monty," I read. I consider this a great feat, as they were at least ten feet away.

"Er, no." Well, I'm half happy she said no. I've watched all my movies to death.

"Computer?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes. There's something I need to try," she said evilly. Well, there goes the computer. Maybe I can sucker my mom into buying me a laptop.

She did pretty well for an alien, though. At least she didn't try to talk into the mouse. She did, however, discover email, and I don't think that was good. In fact, that was very, very bad. She emailed someone named Ammik about shipping weapons and such.

"Who's Ammik?" I asked.

"Friend of a friend."

I considered for a moment. "Is she cute?" I asked, as Liz and I had been fighting, and she won, and as a result I'm nearly covered in bruises and bitter.

K'ata snorted in a laughing sort of way. "Ammik is a he, and no, he isn't very attractive. Of course, considering what I think is attractive…"

I grinned. "Kou'al?"

If aliens could blush, I think she did. "He is spoken for," she stammer/growled.

"Well, of course," I said as I propped myself on a convenient pile of cushions. "But then again, lots of the people you see me and Liz fawning over are 'spoken for', as you call it. Mmm, Angelina…" What? I'm with Liz; you can tell I like aggressive women… with guns.

"Ew," K'ata said. "Even though you're way weaker than me, you frighten me."

Oh, lovely. "Thank you?" I said abashedly.

"What is this 'hyperlink' thing?" she asked as she pointed to the screen.

"Er…"

"You don't know?"

"I only do Email and Bookworm™, thank you, dear." Well, and this, but this is several years later, or previously, perspectively. "Mmph. Need carbonated flavored water. Be right back," I said, and made as if to ruffle her dreadlocks.

"Oh no you ain't," she said as she ducked.

"Mehehe," I laughed evilly. And then ran out of the room cowardlyly. (It's a word. It's just not in the dictionary. Yet.)

Everything in the kitchen was arranged in a purposefully higgledy-piggledy manner. Claudia was trying to make a point, I think. You see, she thinks we treat her like a slave, and I'll admit, I do sometimes, but Mother hardly ever sees her. She's a twenty-two year old woman with a nursing degree who lives with her mom and works at a bookshop/café dealy, for gods' sakes! She doesn't respect herself, so why should we (I)? (Which is my excuse; I just like being mean.) And so, by making messes which I'm not going to pick up, and my mother has no time for, she's trying to make a stand. Yes, I agree, her plan sucks monkey butt. (A Sam-term: I'm hardly that original.)

My fizzy strawberry-lime drinks were sitting out on the counter, mocking me. They were supposed to be in the fridge, but, as I've said, Claudia is a… K'ata cackled from upstairs. Well, I was still in range, I guess, so she could still hear me. I sent her an image Austin Powers, and received a muted "Ew" in response. Remarkable, isn't it, how two individuals that are so completely different share so many of the same opinions? Oh well, the point is, I raided the freezer for ice, found an old frozen Popsicle, and dunked that in me bottle, thus creating a revolutionary new flavor: Strawberlimernge. I should copyright that, it's so good. The name, I mean. The taste itself was mildly nauseating, but I dip mozzarella sticks in pudding, so what then?

"Woof, you idiot," Lawrence said from under the table.

I peered under the table curiously. "Did you just speak to me?" I asked.

"Woof, you durr-brain. Ya, I talked. Get me a Milkbone, will ya?" Wow. My dog is almost as rude as me. I proffered the requested treats, and he then asked me, "Ya gonna get me a plate, monkey?"

"The term in Homo sapiens sapiens, for your canine information, and I'll get you a plate if you stop speaking to me," I said in a very uppity way. Aliens, yes, but the talking dog is just too Disney.

"Woof, but this is more easy, Homo," he said maliciously. Ouch.

"You're the one who humps everything in sight. Do you want your plate or not?" I said, now irritated.

He seemed to think for a moment. "Woof," he said finally.

"Good boy," I said sarcastically. "Don't speak to me all this week, okay?"

"Durr-brain," I thought I heard him mutter through a mouthful of doggy-bone. Due to K'ata's forcing me to perfect my mind-speech with her, Lawrence can now… do that. He isn't really talking, because his vocal chords are incapable of that, but he's coming in loud and clear in the space between my ears.

"Oh, beloved?" I called through my door. "Whatcha doing?"

"Get in here," came the grumbling reply. What, no "please"? Fine. I obeyed and found Schnucky typing away in French.

"Eh?" I prompted.

"What?" she said, but she didn't stop typing. "Oh, you. Go away for a bit. I'm hacking the French intelligence thingy."

How crass. "Why?" I asked as I toyed with the swirly straw. It was green… "You said thingy."

"Yes, I said thingy, as half of the sentences you say have the word in it. I am convinced that its meaning is other than what you think it means, however." She made the clicking sound, and ended it with a low growly-bark-sounding thingy. Thingy… Er, I think she was messing with me. Yes, she's just trying to make me paranoid… thingy.

"You are evil," I said with my eyes narrowed.

"Your sister's new dog--"

"Jesus," I put in helpfully. What, it's his name! My sister is stupid.

"Is eviler than me," she finished. "He was chewing on a table leg earlier."

"Ah, yes, nothing like walking into a room and seeing Jesus scooting his butt across the carpet," I said with diabolical relish.

She gave me an odd look and then returned her gaze to the monitor. There were two boxes on the screen, one with blue typing, one with red. The blue type was slightly ahead of K'ata, and seemingly independent of her. Somehow, this isn't how I pictured how hacking a network would be. There was more fire in my idea, and Hot Pockets, and Xena tapes galore.

"Hey, if you were just gonna tell me to go away, why'd you tell me to come in me room?" I asked as I fished around in my bottle for the Popsicle stick.

"I didn't say anything," she said with a twitchy shrug. "I'm too disdainful to reply to everything you say."

"Oi, great confidence booster, that," I drawled. "I distinctly heard your voice, though." Well, maybe not distinctly, per se, but the voice was female, and it's only me, K'ata, and Lawrence, so the math is pretty--

A loud "Halloo?" sounded from the kitchen. It sounded a lot like Turi's ingratiating-but-secretly-condescending voice.

K'ata said something that very nearly burned my ears and shut the Internet off. Then, she unsheathed the wrist blades (which I hadn't even noticed until now) and, before shutting the door, told me that if I valued my life, I'd stay in my room.

I followed her.

Dumb, I know, but I'm very curious. And pretty. Curious and pretty. Hmm…

"…stands to reason that since you have your field up, messages can't get through, Yurmi. That means they must be delivered in person," Turi said as though she was speaking to a toddler.

"Too-Ree," I said as I snuck up behind her. (K'ata had backed her to the doorway to the stairs. Apparently, she planned to unleash the malign little xenomorph-mutated chick on me. How kind.) I barely avoided her tail as she spun to face me.

"Mr. Evans," she said stiffly. "You're still alive?"

"Yep!" I chuckled. "K'ata has more reason to fear my socks than I have to fear her."

"Well, you never wash them. Kindly leave, Commander Shepherd. And should I see you again under different circumstances, I will make you pay in blood for the slur to my honor." And with that, she gestured to the door.

Turi looked from me to K'ata and back to me. Deciding that it was a lost cause, she turned to leave. At the threshold, however, she glanced back at me and said, "Nice car, Morrick." That said, she disappeared.

"Well, that was weird," I grumped and returned to my room. K'ata followed me.

"I thought I told you to stay here," she said softly. She was messing with her wrist computer, not looking at me.

"And I thought I told you that that kind of language is for the ignorant," was my retort. "What did she call you?"

She translated it. It was not pleasant.

"Oh," I said slowly. "That's, um… Yeah."

"It's wrong, is what it is. Flip that switch, will you?" she said and nodded to the field generator.

"Which one?" I asked blankly. There were dozens.

"Third row, fifth to the right."

"What's it gonna do?" I asked suspiciously. I flipped a switch for her day before yesterday, and it nearly electrocuted me.

"It'll enable this thingy to work," she growled and waved a chip (the non-edible computer-type) at me. Well, she should have said so. I flipped the indicated switch, and there was a very slight, tingly feeling to the air.

"Ooh," I said. "This is nice…"

"Don't get used to it. Null waves are highly addictive." Her computer beeped, and she began speaking a great lot of chattery nonsense. "Oh, no…" was the impression I got from her. A very "oh, crap, we're doomed" vibe.

"What's it say?" I said as she hissed insults at her mini-screen.

"Pack your things," she growled. "We're leaving in three days."

"Huh?" I said and fell to the floor.

I guess I fainted. K'ata was explaining that bounty hunters were being considered for her recapture, and Turi and Kou'al were the best in the galaxy. It would only be a matter of time before they were found and their services were requisitioned. She would be hunted, sedated, and taken back to her Council of Elders, who would decide her fate, which would be unpleasant no matter what they chose, as she would never be free again.

Her eyes glowed with their bright lavender splendor as she explained this. "So Turi was doing us a favor?" I asked. My voice was strained, and the absence of the null waves was extremely annoying. But hey, addictive, my feathery rear. (I hadn't believed her.)

"I suppose," K'ata sighed. "They're leaving with us. Call Liz and Alvin, and tell those other two."

"What?" I said incredulously.

"You heard," she said irritatedly. "You, Liz, and Alvin are coming with me. I'll need a crew for deep space, and Angus isn't very reliable." With a rueful grin on her face, she added, "Hope to all the gods you call on that you're not gap-sick."

I blinked owlishly for a moment. "Riiight. I'll do that. Yes, er, oh, look, it's time for Kit Ray!"

"Nope," she said. I noticed that rather than the big knife she usually wore at her thigh, she had a remote-holster, with--

"Give me my remote!" I yelled at her.

She slapped me, very hard, and threw the remote out the open door into the pool. "Pack your things," she ordered. "I will not tell you again, and you know the penalty for--"

"Yada yada, shut up, why don't you?" I said as I rubbed my stinging cheek. "Did you ever think that you might be nice to me for once?"

"I have been being nice: I haven't killed you yet. What more do you want?" she asked as if this were perfectly rational to her.

"I'm not going with you," I said coldly. Stupid aliens with illusions of grandeur. Stupid Dad working with stupid aliens. Stupid friends taking to stupid aliens… "I'm not going with you," I repeated.

"Yes, you are," she said with a little laugh. "I'm not as stupid as you're thinking. If you don't cooperate with my plans, I will kill every living thing in this house, and I will do the same to all of your friends' homes, and I will kill you last of all." She laughed happily. "Your friends are your weaknesses, Morrick."

I was cold. Looking back on it now, I realize how stupid of me that was. K'ata was, and still is, a child. A petulant, argumentative, and sometimes domineering child, yes, but she can be overpowered. Fortunately, I didn't know then what I know now.

I called her something that I had thought would never pass my lips, never be uttered by one so politically correct as me. Much akin to Yurmi, and yet so very Earthlike.

"Morrick, dear, I will sedate you if I must," she said softly.

"That's your answer to everything, isn't it?" I cried hysterically. "Morrick wants to exercise his free will, oh, let's pump him full of drugs!" I think I may have been crying. My face, along with every other part of me, had gone numb, so I couldn't tell.

"It works," she said with a shrug. "If you don't come with me, the bounty hunters will abduct you along with everyone else who's seen me. And believe me, these are not nice people. If you think I've been cruel to you, you must believe me when I say would die before the first day was over."

"Liar," I muttered. "You have a really messed up sense of humor, you know."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, for one thing, you go around like you're the queen of the universe or something when we all know that you're-- not." I was going to say nothing, but that would be more towards her level, wouldn't it? "And then, you try to order me around like I'm some sort of slave, and you think when I do what you say, it's because of your order, but it isn't. It's just to shut you up."

"Morrick, I know this."

"Huh?"

"I know all this. Telepathy, remember? And you can tell, too, that I'm telling the truth when I say that you must come with me or die."

"I'll take the death, then," I said unenthusiastically. "They'll probably never find me anyway."

"They will."

"Will not."

"Will too."

"Will not."

"Will too. Look, this is silly."

"Is not."

"Is t-- Listen, I don't want you dead, alright?" She was growling, and not the nice, companionable growl that I was used to. This growl made my hair stand on end. "I need a crew, you need to get off this planet before the hunters come. Well, we both need that, but--"

"I don't know anything about space ships," I said dully. Already, I guessed that I wasn't about to win this time.

"I'll teach you," she said with a grin.

"And Liz and Alvin?" I asked. "Because Liz doesn't like to learn unless it involves fashion. Same with Alvin, only it's classical music."

"I'll teach them, too," she said. "So you're agreeing?"

"Ah, I haven't said that yet," I said morosely.

"But you were thinking it," she laughed.

"Maybe."

"Good. I'll tell Angus."

Uh-huh. Right. You do that. I was suddenly very drowsy, and Kit Ray hadn't come on yet. But that didn't matter much anymore.

"What am I going to tell my parents?" I asked.

"Well, you're likely to see your father again. Believe me, they won't miss you."

"You're so kind. And how much of my stuff can I take with me?"

She thought for a moment. "All of it. Your room on the ship will be way bigger than this, so we'll need to get more stuff, and…"

"Space malls, hmm… I can't wait to see your version of an IKEA." I surveyed the mess before me. "How are we gonna get the trampoline out the door?"

She blinked. "Okay. I'll think of something."

"The door is too small," I said unhelpfully.

"Unless you want me to rip off that there wall, shush. I think I have something for this though. Matter stability somethinanother." She paused, reflecting. "Worked on a hull, ought to work on this flimsy little wall."

The flimsy little wall consisted of two layers of brick with a foot of concrete between them, plus golf ball resistant siding and super-happy-funtime pink and black wallpaper. Just so you know.

I yawned. "Yes, you keep thinking, and I'll sleep for a while." My trampoline-bed was beckoning.

"Call your friends first," she said in a very matronly fashion.

"They'll think I've been doing whippets," I said dejectedly. Didn't phase her, however, as I don't think she knows what whippets are. (You know, where you breathe from the Reddiwhip can? Never got the point of that, I don't think.) "Fine. Get me the phone."

She looked as if she was about to tell me to get it myself, but then she just shook her head and clicked, annoyed. She tossed me my cell phone, which just happened to be blue with pink polka dots.

"Ah, many thanks, sirrah. My directory?" When she threw that, it hit my head. Good aim, yes, but did she really need to throw it so hard? I dialed Liz's number first.

"Hello?" came the usual elderly voice. Rocks On Porch On Tuesdays, if I wasn't mistaken.

"Hey, doll, it's Morrick. Is my beloved there?" I have to do this every time I call, or they thing it's an imposter, trying to steal away the family jewel.

"Oh, hang on sweetie, I'll get her," Tuesdays said. She called Liz's name and did a slightly mad cackle and screech routine. "She's coming, dear."

"Thank you," I said. I would miss the crazy aunts and grannies.

"What?" came Liz's grouchy reply.

"Darling, how would you feel about a, er, cruise?"

"You may as well just tell me, because I'm not in a patient mood."

"K'ata has to leave and she's taking you and me and Alvin with her and if we don't come with her the bounty hunters will come and they'll kill us and we'll be dead and we'll never get married and we'll never move to England and we'll never have ponies and kids and if we don't then we'll never be happy in our afterlife and if we're not happy then we'll be ghosts and they'll take us to space before they kill us and we'll be space ghosts and we'll never find home and we'll be dead space hobos."

"Is that all?" she asked.

"We have to leave, Liz. You have to pack everything, everything, and we have to leave in three days."

I could tell she was rolling her eyes. "Okay, Morrick. I'll pack. 'Bye." She hung up.

"I told you," I said to K'ata. She ignored me. I called Alvin next.

"Hey, jolly hearing from you this late. What's up?" he said cheerfully.

I tried to adapt what I said to Liz to this. I don't think it worked.

"So wait, wait. You're saying that you want to move to England and have ponies with me and Liz? Morrick, I think I know what medication you need to be on."

"No! Look, just pack your stuff, and we'll be over later tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," he said slowly. "You're going to have to explain the pony thing to me again, though." I hung up this time.

Sam and Tim live together because Sam's mother and Tim's father are in lurrve, even though Tim's dad is in France, and Sam's mum is somewhere in Ohio. (They have two live in sitters (au pairs, technically) , formally known as Gretchen and Ingrid. They frighten me.) Anyhow, this makes things much easier for me.

"Hello?" came the very east German voice of Gretchen.

"Yes, this is Morrick. May I please speak to Tim or Sam?"

"Eet ees veery late," she said menacingly.

I winced. "Yes, ma'am, but it's also very important. A matter of life and death."

"Oho, reealy?" she inquired archly. "Whose?"

"Everyone's. Look, I really need to talk to them," I said shortly.

"Veery weell," she said. "Timothy! Samantha! Geet down heere eet once!"

"Will you shut up?" I heard Ingrid say from a few feet away. "Big Brother is on."

Tim and Sam seemed to be tumbling down their stairs, and there seemed to be a rather lot of stairs, too. "Hey," came Tim's breathless voice finally. "What's going on? You know they don't normally let us have calls after eleven."

"Me, K'ata, Liz, and Alvin are leaving in about three days," I said sadly. "Come over tomorrow; I need help packing my stuff, and Tim, you'll get to walk through a wall."

"Okay, cool. When are you coming back?" Oh, crap, he thinks it's a vacation. Okay.

"I ain't. We ain't. This is serious, Tim."

Silence. Then Sam took over. "We'll miss you, Morrick." I heard the tears in her voice. "Send us a postcard, okay?"

"Will do," was my soft reply. "'Bye."

A/N: This is the next to last chapter. There'll be a sequel, or more like the Volume Two bit of Kill Bill, thought it won't be like that. Anyway, I'm going to be doing something with Sam next.

Mousewolf: Thank you for your cryptic review. I don't get it, but it's funny.

Zappy: Woof woof to you too. ;)