(A/N) Hey, I was just thinking, some of you might not have understood why you stay away from the tail when skinning an animal. It you really want to know anything about that kind of thing (I lived in WV for two years, and got to see how it was done) then it'd be best to email me directly the question. It's a little…intense…so only ask if you really want to know. Korey, I'm an old man. Twenty-eight in physical age, seventeen in maturity, and about eighty in ideals. Regrem Erutaerc, yes, Bravery will definitely have an affect on Raven's willingness to show what she feels. ;-) Nokturna, the main reason I rated the fic M was because of the animal cleaning/killing stuff. If you watched an animal being cleaned on film, then the film makers could be sued by some animal rights group, claim it was cruelty to animals despite the fact that whatever was cleaned was dead. Plus, it's very much bloody like some horror films.
Disclaimer – I don't own the Teen Titans, some guy with lots more money than me does. Lucky punk.
Tamed – Over Due – Beast Boy and Cullen come to an understanding while Raven seeks to make herself smarter.
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Beast Boy paced back and forth in his room. This was quite a feat considering the amount of junk he had allowed to pile up on his floor. He was trying hard to show the Cullen the appropriate way to treat Raven. At the same time, the Cullen was impressing upon Beast Boy the drive that he had to obtain. It was a very strange meeting of the…well, mind. Beast Boy seeking to educate the Cullen, and the Cullen seeking a more forceful resolve.
It was Beast Boy who had the first real break through. It wasn't that he finally taught the unruly being anything; it was that he started to see the division between him and it. He noticed it mostly because his mind kept thinking the same things in a circular pattern. First, he would be worried for Raven. Second, he would think firmly about how Raven wasn't to be touched by the Cullen. Third, he would feel the Cullen not accept this rule. And finally, he would feel the Cullen firmly urge Beast Boy to claim what was his. It was this last impulse that really started to unlock everything for the shape shifter. The Cullen was a very territorial creature, but not against Beast Boy. It seemed to be territorial FOR Beast Boy.
This seemed to be the key to everything. If he could see how the last bit fit, he could open the door fully. The green changeling sat down on his bed, lost in thought. He wanted to control the Cullen, the Cullen wanted him to claim his territory, he wanted the Cullen to not be a danger to Raven, the Cullen wanted Beast Boy to claim Raven, and he knew that the Cullen and himself could have strong influence over each other. But he WAS the Cullen. "Ugh…it's just too confusing. How can I be what I can't control?"
When he realized what he needed to do, Beast Boy fell off his bed. "How did I not see that? I'm such an idiot." He picked himself up off the laundry he had landed on and bolted out the door. "RAVEN! Raven! Quick! I need to show you something!"
A blue-cloaked Raven poked her head out of her door and sleepily said, "Wha…." She yawned. "What is it? It's not even sun up yet."
"I need you to put one of those shield things around me." She just stared tiredly at him. "Just do it!" He didn't mean to sound impatient, but he was too excited to let it wait.
"But I'm tired," she whined. "Why does it need to be now?"
Beast Boy mentally screamed, but decided to just make something up. "If I don't do it now, I'll lose the hold I have."
Raven glowered at him. "Fine." After she had encased him in a slightly translucent black bubble, the rest of her woke up. "Wait, lose hold of what?"
Beast Boy smirked from inside his self-appointed holding cell. "My patience." And he suddenly changed into the Cullen. He looked at Raven for a moment and changed back. "IT WORKED!"
The sphere dissolved from around Beast Boy due to Raven's shock. "How did you do that? Yesterday you were trying to get used to Cullen being awake while you were, and now you can change back like it's nothing?" A familiar feeling of having just underestimated Beast Boy hit her full in the face.
"I haven't slept since you woke him up. I've just been trying to convince him that he shouldn't scare you anymore like he did. But, it was all stupid. All the stuff I've been doing to try and figure out how to control HIM was completely stupid!" Beast Boy just dropped onto the ground, sitting cross-legged, out of relief, self-annoyance, and just plain old sleep deprivation. "I am such an idiot for not figuring this out sooner."
"Let's just pretend I don't know what you're talking about and you explain it to me." Raven was too tired to wait for him to get to the point.
"Hey! That's supposed to be my line!"
Raven stared at him. I'm acting like Beast Boy, and he's acting like Robin. Next thing I'll hear about Cyborg being able to use star bolts. "Just finish telling me!" Her eyes had gone dangerously narrow.
"You wanted me to give it a name 'cause you were tired of calling it 'it' or 'the beast', but why did we need to give it a name at all? It already has one, Beast Boy!" He laughed tiredly. "It's always been me, just, like you said, another part of me. And, since it's me, I already was in control…realizing it and acting on that let me just use the form, there wasn't any creature to master or control. I think that because I just kind of put my base needs into the back of my mind, that they get ignored a lot. I think me always putting them off because I didn't like the conflict that would come from trying to get those things and those chemicals kind of made a part of me that would be able to get the job done when it came to those deep desires, and it's my head, so I just kind of did it all sub…sub? What's that word for the part of you that thinks without you really seeing it?"
"Subconsciously. But I don't think that part of you thinks that much either." Was what he was showing her cool? Yes. Could it have waited till she had wanted to be out of bed? YES!
Beast Boy faltered for a bit. "Uh, yeah…I just did it all subconsciously…and, for me, an animal acting on instinct with my deepest desires as its desires would pull that off." Raven's eyes had glazed over while he had been talking. "Uhm, Rae? Are you listening?"
"Not really. It's cool stuff, BB, but I'm going back to bed. See ya later."
"Uh…bye." Didn't she want to celebrate with him? A slightly hurt Beast Boy walked back into his hut and just dropped onto the bed.
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When Raven finally got out of bed the sun was about halfway between dawn and noon. She went out of her room, still wearing the same clothes from yesterday and walked over to the campfire. It was just a soot bowl at the moment, no fire having been lit to cook breakfast on. She decided food could wait and walked over to Beast Boy's door. She was just about to knock when she realized that he would be asleep. He had said that he hadn't slept at all during the night. "Well…now what?"
She meandered back towards her own home. Hunger wasn't really hitting, so maybe another nap would be OK. Beast Boy would be up by then and she could find something to do. After she had gotten back to her bed she found sleep just avoided her. Staring around her room her eyes rested on her mirror. "Guess I could get in some face time with whoever's next. Intelligence. Ugh…that'll be a laugh a minute." She got up, grabbing her mirror from the desk, and sat down on the floor.
A few moments of concentration later, Raven found herself outside of Intelligence's library. She reluctantly touched the arch; she had wanted to just go in. After the glow had died down Intelligence emerged through the opening holding a book.
"You wish to speak with me?" The knowledge based emotion stated plainly.
Raven smirked at the thought that struck her. "Yup, and considering who you are, you know what about."
Intelligence cocked an eyebrow from behind her glasses. "Of course. However, that does not mean I wouldn't like to be spoken to like the others."
"Fair enough. What's the book?"
The yellow robed one looked at the tome in her hands. "It's your recent actions and thoughts. I was reviewing them to better understand what is happening."
Raven frowned a little. "What's got you feeling confused?" Intelligence wasn't supposed to have that happen. A lack of knowledge was perfectly understandable, but not being able to sort out the knowledge she had was uncomfortable.
"I'm not really confused…more…stupefied at how you've been acting. Did you know that Affection said she isn't letting you into her picture room for a while? It's very strange to see things of that nature happening."
All she did was blink in response to what Intelligence had just told her.
"And, Timid has been crying about how you haven't been listening to her lately."
"So are you going to explain all of this, or are you going to continue to lord the information over me?"
"Hiding knowledge was not my intention. Come inside, sitting down would be very appropriate for what I feel I must say." The emotion ushered the both of them into her library and sat down at a large reading table, motioning for Raven to do the same. "Have you noticed what happens, regarding the expression of emotions, after you have merged with one of us?"
Raven thought for a second or two. "Uhm…I know that I feel really…comfortable with expressing the emotion I've fused with."
"Yes, that is the main point I wish to discuss. It would appear that when you rejoin, you are bombarded with the emotion of the one just absorbed, and that you are a bit oblivious of this overflow of the particular emotion. This condition seems to last for just a few days though."
"So why didn't you say anything after I fused with Wisdom?" She felt unsettled that she hadn't noticed this herself, especially with who she had just merged with.
"What would be the harm in feeling a flood of wisdom?"
"True."
"It was Crass that caused my apprehension. She was one you never dealt with much, she was left ignored most of the time. I believe that for this reason you have been unable to fully handle her now fully present influence."
Raven thought about how she had been acting lately and felt a very sharp pang of guilt about some of the things she had said to Beast Boy. "OK, so now I know to watch for this after every fusion, thank you."
"You're welcome, but I am not finished with explaining my apprehensions. There are coming trials that will make it much harder to act on the knowledge you have received. In part, because I believe our own merger is eminent, as you have never had a problem with my influence. I will provide a balance against Crass', but I think there will be downsides as well." Raven was surprised to see her brainy side look ashamed. "I believe I will cause you to feel prideful. Your knowledge far outweighs most, and I believe it would be wrong to flaunt it, but I have never had to worry about that as I was here, safe in my library."
Raven rested her hand on Intelligence's. "Don't worry. Now that I know what's coming, I can work against the downsides."
Intelligence pulled her hand away. "Then you are already starting down the wrong path. If I felt this knowledge could stop what I believe will come, then I would not have waited. What I believe you should do with this information is to warn Beast Boy. He will have a much harder time weathering this storm. Just think of what too much of Bravery is going to do without Timid in place to balance her out."
A shocked look came onto Raven's face with the realization Intelligence had spurred. "And I wouldn't think anything was wrong, because I would feel too confident about…well, everything."
"Exactly. Until you are fully whole, and it will still be a few days after before you stop feeling overly happy, but until you are fully whole you won't be in any sort of balance with what you feel. I think everything is going to get worse before it gets better."
"That's too clichéd to be true…but it is." Raven slouched in her chair. "So, now what?"
"I believe you should warn Beast Boy and then we merge. After that, my influence will be clouded again since I will be part of the others that you have already rejoined with just as they will be part of me. However, I think that once you are in balance, you will be able to focus on each of us…just…we won't talk back. You'll have to make our replies for us."
"So, instead of coming here, I'll just start talking to myself. Sounds perfectly healthy." She sighed and got up out of her chair. "Guess I'll go tell BB the good news."
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Raven had just knocked on Beast Boy's door. She wasn't sure if he was still in there, she had been talking to Intelligence for a good while. When his door finally opened, she cringed inside. He looked like he still hadn't slept. In fact, he looked like someone who wanted to sleep, but was too disturbed by something to allow himself to. Rubbing his eye he said, "What's up, Rae?" He didn't sound thrilled to see her either.
Raven looked down at the floor. "I wanted to apologize for how I acted earlier. It was pretty rude of me to just brush you off like that after you had done something so…amazing. You've already done what you came here to do, and it's only been a few weeks. I'm sorry that I kind of ruined your moment." She had thought that saying these things would make her feel better; all they did was remind her how mean she must have seemed.
She didn't see Beast Boy's reaction because she was too ashamed to look him in the eye, but she saw him take a few steps towards her. He wrapped his arms gently around her. "It's OK. Don't worry about it." He just held her, letting her know he couldn't stay mad.
"There's more…" She said as she pulled away. "I need to warn you that I'm not going to be very stable anymore. I just found out that I kind of overflow with whatever emotion I just joined with for a few days afterwards. And, I'm going to be rejoining the next two in pretty quick order. I just want you to know that I might do a lot of things that I really don't mean…and they could go, uhm, both ways."
"What do you mean by that?"
She blushed a little. "I…"
"I get it. I won't take…advantage…of anything." Now it was his turn to blush.
She smiled shyly at him. "Thank you…before things start getting too…strange, I want you to know I really do like being around you and, I want you to know that this isn't just some side effect of what I'm going through." She leaned in towards him and pressed her lips against his. She felt him start to kiss her back, his arms encircling her. She laid her hands against his sides, enjoying the wonderful sensation that poured through her into him and back again. She broke the kiss, a little reluctantly, and looked into his eyes.
Beast Boy smiled at the girl in his arms. "No matter what happens, I'm not giving up. I don't normally do this, but I'm gonna be stubborn. You'll have to live up to that whole sending me to another dimension thing to get rid of me." He smiled as reassuringly as he could.
She gave him another tight hug and allowed it to linger before she pulled away. "I'm going to go reunite with Intelligence now." She paused. "Did you want to…come with me?" She didn't like that inviting him made her nervous. She liked having him around. She just plain liked him. Why couldn't she relax when they were doing things that felt…intimate or personal?
He smiled at her. "I'd love to come." And with that, he took her hand and they walked to where her mirror sat waiting.
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To say Intelligence was surprised to find both Raven and Beast Boy when she answered the summons from inside her library would have been lying. To say that she was surprised that Raven had invited Beast Boy to come would have been the accurate statement and better explained why she still looked confused when they arrived. Intelligence may have been keeper of knowledge for Raven, but she did not have access to everything.
The three went to a more open area of floor and moved the chairs that were there out of the way. Beast Boy stepped back to give the two the room that Raven had said they would need. Intelligence came forward and asked Raven, "Do you truly have need of me, or is this merely to achieve your end goal?"
Raven looked firmly at the emotion. "I am doing this for both reasons. I really do need to have as much knowledge available to me as I can get, and I need to be able to understand all that I receive. But it would be untruthful to say that I was doing this solely for that. I want to be whole, and that means I must rejoin with you."
Intelligence smiled. It wasn't a large or even a very expressive smile. It was the kind someone would give if they had just seen things set to go their way, a smile that hinted of things to come. "Then I believe we are prepared."
Beast Boy was bewildered by the site of what was happening. It had the feel of something like a ritual, but not so formal. When the two Ravens lifted into the air he got slightly dizzy trying to follow Intelligence's circular path. He finally settled on watching what was happening with Raven, but she seemed frozen in place, while the yellow ring around her just seemed to grow more and more solid. When it shrunk almost violently inward Beast Boy gasped, the flash of light blinding him for a moment. As the spots in front of his eyes faded he could make out Raven's form descending from where it had floated in the air. She landed and walked over to him.
"Well, what color am I?" She was wearing the small smile that Intelligence had had, though her eyes held more amusement.
Looking up and down at her newly shaded leotard, Beast Boy answered the first thing that came to his head. "Kind of a dark mustard color." He smiled at her pleased look. "Good job, three down. And, you're getting to them faster just like you said. Who was the other one you were joining with soon?"
She smiled in thanks to him and answered, "Bravery. She shouldn't be too difficult considering that I have taken her support in our many battles. Besides, I also believe she would be too sure of herself to doubt. Especially now that I've so quickly merged with Intelligence, she'll think of it as a challenge."
Beast Boy was quickly seeing what Raven had been saying about the emotion overflow. She sounded like a teacher to him. "Cool. Soooooooo, are we doing that now or are you coming back later?"
Raven thought quietly. "I believe that we should do it this visit, but I wanted to ask you a few questions, just some things that have been on my mind."
"Uhm, OK." He reached for the chair behind him, but only found air. Turning around to see where it was he realized that they were no longer in the room with all the books. "Where'd everything go?"
Looking around her, Raven saw the surrounding landscape had dissolved back to her in between place. She looked for the changes that would have happened now that Intelligence was no longer separate from her. Intelligence's affect on the terrain had been the sudden appearance of a number of small buildings that dotted the landscape. They were off the main path, but there were small trails leading to each. The had the look of Greek style buildings, but on a smaller scale. Each had something written upon the front of the entryway, which told of what was in the building. They seemed to be either a collection of a period in Raven's life, the entryway showing the start and end dates of the information inside, or they were housing some category or another that was important to Raven. The one they were closest too read 'Enemies' in the words over the pillars.
Raven smiled at their changed environment. Every addition made things more and more…firm. Firm in the idea that she was doing the right thing in this quest Robin had sent them on. Firm in that she was building something that would not only help her teammates, but also help herself to be able to truly live. "This is what happens when an emotion and I rejoin. The in between world that represents me becomes more and more full of the things that make up who I am."
"Sweet!" He looked at a nearby boulder. "Why is there a carving on that rock that looks like me?"
Raven blushed slightly, and was glad that Beast Boy was looking away when she did. "Didn't you say that I could ask the questions?" Changing back to their original subject seemed like a good way to get out of answering him.
"Oh yeah, so, what did you want to ask?" He sat down on the ground and looked up at her, waiting.
She was looking him over, trying to figure out what about him made her nervous. He was just barely taller than her, though he never stood up straight, so it was almost as if he wasn't. He wasn't drop dead gorgeous or anything, just kind of cute in a mischievous way…in an almost child-like way. He wasn't especially bright; he usually just acted on impulse and avoided any kind of work that resembled schoolwork. He could be crude, unfunny, and bumbling. He could be very caring and flattering, but did those really outweigh everything else? Just because he always seemed to want the best for her didn't mean HE was the best for her. The main facts she knew were that he cared deeply for her, that he was always trying to help or uplift her, and he had this amazing ability to just blindside her with some wonderfully brilliant or thoughtful thing from time to time. It was unnerving that he could make it seem so normal for him to do this. She needed to understand. "…I wanted to know first, are you going to ask me out again?"
A sloppy grin popped onto his face. She had been looking at him like she was doing a crossword puzzle, he thought she was going to be asking much more grilling questions. "Of course! I just want to finish figuring out what to do so that it's not the same thing as last time."
"Last time was very pleasant." She replied while her eyes slid out of focus remembering the finer points of their first date. "I wouldn't have minded getting to do that again."
Beast Boy felt another of his rare cunning smiles coming on. "Yeah, I liked it too, but I think our next date is gonna be about doing something fun, like amusement park ride kind of fun!"
Raven lifted her eyes dubiously at this statement. "And how would you intend to accomplish that?"
"Sorry, can't tell you…" Though his smile stayed the same, his eyes widened. "AND! You're not allowed in my head to try and see, just like last time!"
"Fine. Next one, do you like me more than you liked Terra?" She had managed to say this casually and keep her face set as though she was asking about the weather, but only just barely. Inside her stomach clenched as she waited for him to answer. His smile had gone, and he was looking at her with somewhat sad eyes. Raven's heart sank a little at those eyes. "Oh…it's OK…I understand. We've only gone on one date and I'm just getting ahead of things. You haven't had time to find out something like that."
Raven's head had drooped a little and she looked over her shoulder towards the nearest archway. But before she could say anything more, Beast Boy spoke. "It's not like that, Rae…it's just…I thought you could tell." He started fidgeting and one of his hands moved self-consciously behind his head. "I, uh, never actually went on a date with Terra. We would go someplace and talk or leave the tower together, but it's not like anything was planned and I never got to ask her because of everything that happened." He looked at Raven's feet, feeling too embarrassed to look up. "I also never, uhm, kissed…her." His face felt hot, especially with Raven staring at him, like he knew she was. It took a Herculean effort for him to look into her eyes. What he saw was confusing to him. It wasn't her cloak color that was confusing him; he had given up on being able to guess at what the mixed colors were and what they meant. No, what was confusing him was her expression. Her eyes looked moist, and her mouth seemed caught between a frown and a small smile. She looked like she was feeling happy and sad at the same time and was trying to show them both.
She watched as Beast Boy stood and walked up to her. He stared at her, and for the first time, she noticed him standing up straight. He really was taller. It seemed like he was pulling her into an embrace in slow motion. She moved into the warmth of his touch that she had grown to enjoy and laid her head on his shoulder. "I just…I just don't want to be a replacement for her. I don't want to think that all of this is because we're here together and that's it."
"You're not a replacement. You're the girl I love, and I would love you even if I were surrounded by a million other girls." He smiled as she tightened her own grip on him.
"I still don't like that I've had to let go of my emotions here. I don't like it. I wish this could have happened at the tower instead."
Not knowing what to say, Beast Boy just held her in his arms.
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(A/N) Heh, long time between updates, I know, but it wasn't an easy weekend for me. Sleep deprivation, playing hockey, work, and a niece's birthday party made it hard for me to concentrate on writing and even harder for me to actually want to write. Strange how a tiny thing like being so tired that you can't read can stop you from writing for a little while. Anyway, let me know what you think.