Something borrowed, something blue.
A/N: The Italics is Elizabeth's thoughts.
SPOILERS: CONVERSION
His eyes had been what had scared her most of all when John had been 'different'. She didn't like to use the word that haunted that back of her mind (''monster' oh god, how can I think that? He was still John under there…') but no matter how much she tried to deny it, the M word still managed to wiggle into her thoughts. It was two weeks since John had been released from the infirmary and yet, she had barely seen him once. They both had become accustomed to avoiding each other, each avoiding the other's gaze and steering conversations away from topics about the other. She was nervous, the memory of his clawed hand around her neck still too fresh. Although now he was almost back to normal, his skin still held blotches of blue (and the spines that had grown from his neck hadn't fully gone down yet) and his eyes. Oh god, his eyes. The pupils still hadn't lost all of their slit-like shape and it still creeped her out when she noticed him walking along at night. The fear born from his attack still pumped through her mind, running through her veins like ice every time she thought about it.
I'm being childish. It wasn't John who attacked me. It was that thing. But still, why can't I look into his eyes?
She lay awake in her quarters every night, not even tossing or turning as guilt ravaged her mind, wondering why on Earth she was acting like she was.
Because you're a coward. He has barely left his quarters, so ashamed of what he has done, and what he had become. He needs you to tell him you understand, you trust him and most importantly you forgive him, but you can't. Why? You're a coward.
She turned, trying to stem the internal battle raging within, trying not to cry as she had done for most nights he had been…different. The red marks still stained her neck, John had looked at them on the infirmary bed and asked what happened, the, unable to remember his actions, but Elizabeth had only smiled, a fake, weary smiled and told him not to worry about it. They we're nothing.
Wrong. They're the reason your afraid of him now. Your afraid if you get attached, he will leave again. You afraid he will hurt you. Your fear is what is driving him away.
It's all your fault.
Elizabeth let out a sob, tossing onto her stomach and ignoring the tears dripping onto her pillow. All she wanted was to go back to as they we're before. Two people feeling genuine affection for each other. Not two people avoiding each other, not one person with a guilty conscience and seeing the others slit eyes staring at you in your dreams, his hand draining your life like a common monster of the night.
..:FLASHBACK:..
Elizabeth looked across at John as he pulled a hood over his bluish
Skin and monster appearance. He was going off world, to save himself.
The thought killed her, that they couldn't save him, that he had to do it alone,
And as they walked in the long corridors alone toward the Gateroom,
She couldn't help but glance at the shadow inside the hood, she knew was his disfigured
face. She felt uncomfortable, remembering his hands around her neck,
the memory still too raw to bring up. She knew he didn't remember, but she
still felt anger in his direction. How could she ever trust him again? Suddenly he stopped, moving to cut off her walking, and she flinched on instinct automatically
regretting it as from in the hood, his eyes widened.
"Elizzzzabeth…," He said slightly. His voice belonging more to a reptile then John Sheppard's. Elizabeth coughed slightly, trying not to back away.
"John, we really should hurry time is going to run-" She stopped, as he raised a clawed hand to stop her. She winced again.
"I'm ssssorry." He said quickly, his words sounding like they had just come from the mouth of a snake. "I don't remember hurting you. But I'm sorry." She frowned.
"You didn't hurt me John." But he proved her wrong. He looked up quickly, the hood falling back from his face, and raised his hand just as fast, extending his claws. She didn't want to, but still Elizabeth jumped in fright. He nodded.
"I'm ssssorry." And he continued to walk by, but not before Elizabeth had seen the look of self-loathing that had filled every inch of his insect face.
..:END FLASHBACK:..
The apology had been heartfelt, but then he had gone on the mission, and when he returned he was back as he had been before. Just a monster wearing John Sheppard's disfigured face. But Carson had the cure. He had it in his hands and now, John Sheppard was back to being, well, John Sheppard. Just different. And she still couldn't face him. She was a coward. Her further deprecating thoughts we're cut off, as a knock at her door made her sit up. Luckily enough, she hadn't bothered changing when she fell into bed so many hours earlier, and simply sat up, pulling a hand through her hair as she opened the door, expecting to see the face of another marine telling her they had a problem. Instead, as the door slid open, it revealed a pair of heart-stopping eyes. Slits, staring at her from the darkened hall. She backed away instinctively, automatically regretting it when she saw the hurt flash across his eyes. On his thoughts, the lights in the hall snapped on, her quarters following suit, and it became clear, he was not the same monster who had strangled her in a similar bedroom earlier.
She took a deep breath, as John cocked his head to the side, not giving the cute look it had before he had…turned, but the calculating look of a monster.
Stop thinking like that! He's still John Sheppard. He's no different then the man you chose to bring to Atlantis, or the man who single-handedly saved you from the Genaii wrath…So why in my eyes, is he so different?
"Can we talk?" He whispered, voice scratchy. It was changing. It was changing from the voice she had heard, a reptile, back to the voice of John Sheppard. .
One more reason not to fear him.
She nodded only slightly, turning away from him and moving to sit on her bed, automatically feeling the fear tingle at the back of her neck. He looked around, as if pondering if to come in, and finally settled for taking a small step in the door, just enough for it to slide shut.
Oh god. This is the first time we've been alone since…
"What's wrong John?" She asked, trying to ease the cold formality out of her voice. But fear still kept it alive and she once again watched him wince at her tones.
"Everything." He whispered. He looked away, and she knew he was trying to hide his appearance from her eyes. She felt a pang of sadness.
"John?" Was all she asked, waiting for him to explain. His hand twitched, and her eyes we're drawn to it, noting the tiny tips of the claws that had not retracted yet. Another pang.
"I don't know how to make it better." He said, once again, quietly mysterious. She frowned, pretending to not know what he was talking about.
"Make what better John?" She stopped as he turned to look at her, his slit eyes looking right through her.
"That I hurt you." He said roughly, "That I lost your trust and I don't know how to get it back." Elizabeth's eyes widened, and in that moment of clarity, she realized how much she was hurting him. How much of an idiot she had been. She stood up and in determined strides, walked in front of him. He looked away, but she frowned again, deeper, as she raised her hand, placing it on his cheek and insistently moved it so he was looking at her.
"You never lost my trust John." He scoffed, and she tried not to wince at the roughness of his skin under her palm. His eyes, she noticed up close, held traces of John Sheppard, no matter their shape. His emotions we're still clearly visible. She almost sighed in relief. But she was also shocked at he water she saw in his eyes, he, like her, had been crying.
"I hurt you." He said slowly, hand slowly rising. She stopped her self from back away in fear, a sudden flashback of his hands wrapped around her throat, squeezing the life from her body flooring her. She quickly refocused, staring into his eyes without fear as his bluish hand ran gently across the red lines that criss-crossed her throat.
She stopped it, as he pulled it away, and placed it against her cheek, her hand covering it.
"You didn't," she whispered, "It wasn't you."
He didn't hurt me. He couldn't. He wouldn't. It wasn't. I see that now.
She reached her other hand out, to place it against his cheek, but he turned away.
"I'm hideous." He whispered, eyes closed. She shook her head, running her hand along his blue skin and the spines jutting out from his neck. He slowly turned back to look at her, as she looked into his eyes, hand continuing to run along his neck and collar bone. His slitted eyes blinked, but for some reason it didn't frighten her. She smiled, standing on her toes, neck extending as his lowed instinctively, and kissed him gently.
"John Sheppard," She whispered as they pulled apart, "Your beautiful and don't let anyone tell you any different." He smiled, as she placed her hands on his neck (spines, blue skin and all) and pulled him down to kiss him again.
He smiled.
"I get to kiss you and Teyla in two weeks. Oh, yeah, I'm good." Elizabeth hit him over the head and he said a long 'Ow!'.
"Hey, I was monster! You can't blame me!" He said quickly, massaging his head. Elizabeth shook her head.
"Damn. I gave you a get out of jail free card, didn't I?"
John smiled, eyes looking definitely more human then he had only an hour before.
"Yup. You wanna go eat something? I hear Carson has some alien eggs that might taste good scrambled…" Elizabeth smiled, slapping his arm lightly.
"Well, I had some reports to finish…" She trailed off at the puppy dog look she was on the receiving end of, "But I am getting hungry. But no alien eggs please. A nice normal, human dinner will do me just fine."
John smiled, the familiar twinkle of mischief in his eyes as he opened the door for her.
"Oh, it's too bad I don't have the super speed anymore. I can defiantly think of a few uses for it now."
Fin.