Eighteen

A/N: Let's just get on with it! Sorry for the long wait.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

On the day before my eighteenth birthday, I sat silently at my bedroom dresser staring thoughtfully at the duplicate of the picture I'd given Jack for Christmas. I took note of the happiness in our eyes and the laughter in our silly smiles. The photo was extremely close up because I had taken it myself with an outstretched arm, disposable camera in hand. Of course, for Jack, I'd taken it to town with me, enhanced it, de-red-eyed it, and just improved the overall quality of the picture. I'd also kept one like this for myself.

With a full mind, I gazed down at it as it lay on the surface of the dresser before me. Happy tears filled my eyes just at the memory of when the photo had been taken. The Harvest Festival had been so much fun this year. We had danced almost all day, and into the late of night, to the same songs, over and over again. "Limited DJ service," I laughed to myself.

Oh, I'd danced with everybody that day. Kai, Jack, Cliff, Harris, Jeff, Mayor Thomas, Doug Green, even Gray; to fast songs, slow songs, dumb songs, good songs... I think I only sat out once or twice so I could eat and take off my shoes.

Kai had given me a pretty "diamond" broach to wear with my swoopy-collared top that day. And then when we had gotten home and prepared to part at his bedroom door, he'd told me, as he regularly did, that I'd looked beautiful that day...and then he'd kissed me, as he regularly did, lengthily, lovelily, lustfully.

He'd done that for me earlier tonight...just a few minutes earlier. I looked up from my picture to gaze out my window at the dark night sky, full of stars, void of clouds, and recalled. "You look pretty today," he'd said, twirling a strand of my hair around a pair of his fingers. "I like the curls."

"Thanks," I'd told him with a laugh. "They're Ann's, I guess you could say. I borrowed her curling iron."

He'd laughed a little and continued to finger my hair, staring deep into my eyes. I'd blinked a few times with heavy eyelids. Suppressing a yawn, I had told him, "I think I'm going to bed." Then I'd leaned toward him with the intention of pecking a short kiss onto his lips.

But when I had just started to pull away, he'd pulled me in. Startled at first, I'd braced myself against him, and even after a few seconds I'd found it hard to relax. Finally I'd just stopped kissing him back, and he'd pulled away, confused. "What's wrong?" he'd asked, innocent and oblivious.

"Nothing," I'd answered in a gut-wrenching lie. "Good night."

A tear escaped the corner of my eye and rolled down my cheek, dripping reluctantly off my jaw. I looked back down at the photograph. More tears came like waterwork. I tried to scoop them away as they came.

With whom was my heart?

I gently folded my arms in front of me, resting them atop the desk before me, laying my head upon them. With a heavy mind and a heavy heart, my voice as faint and weak as a whisper carried by the breeze, I prayed to God:

"Oh, Lord, what's happening to me? Why is this happening to me?

"Lord, I still don't know You all that well, but I do know this: that You know me better than I know myself. You know the number of hairs on my head, the distinct sound of my voice, the meaning of my dancing...the rhythm of my heart, even when it skips a beat...

"...That normally happens when I'm around Kai, You know. He's so...warm, Lord. He knows me. He knows just the way to hold me, the way I want him to hold me, and that always depends on the occasion. It's almost like he knows my thoughts just by looking hard enough into my eyes... Such pretty eyes he has, Lord. It's no wonder to me that they were specially created, created by You. How much time did You spend on them, God? How did You make them as deep as they are, make them shimmer as they do?

"And why, Lord, why would You make them like that if they were not meant to make me fall in love!"

I let out a quiet sob, turning my face down into my folded arms. My voice came muffled.

"Why, Lord, why? Why would You...draw me toward Kai, only to become trapped between him and Jack?

"I don't even know this myself, so perhaps You may please tell me, Father, because of Your great knowledge of...me:

"With whom is my heart?"

Releasing another gentle sob, I sniffled quietly and turned my head sideways again. "Lord, when I am with Jack, I am with a friend. A friend who cares, who loves, who smiles, who sings, whose unbelievable faith can move a mountain, change this village. But he's so close a friend, so dear a friend that I worry: a friend he may no longer be.

"Lord God, WITH WHOM IS MY HEART?

"I'm feeling things, Lord, that I've never really felt before, not even with Kai. Not even with Kai! I feel like I'm truly safe, truly not alone when I'm with Jack. I feel at peace, while at the same time my stomach flutters with...

"Dear Lord, what is it that flutters in my stomach? Is it desire? Is it temptation? Is it lust? Or is it love?" I heaved a large, unsatisfying breath.

I sat up and wiped away my tears, sniffling and whimpering and hiccuping as the aftermath of a good cry occurred. Oh, but the cry did not feel good. I felt broken, torn, confused, lost, overwhelmed. The beating of my heart felt slow, as if it were hesitating, wondering if, how, and why it should throb yet again.

"WITH WHOM IS MY HEART?" I cried out for the third time. Was He listening to me? Where was my answer?

A knock at the door startled me. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom to grab a towel, calling, "Hold on!" to whomever was waiting for me outside. I swept the terrycloth over my face, leaving it stained with eye makeup. I looked up at the mirror to see my puffy red eyes and pink nose. After quickly rinsing my face with water from the sink I called, "Who is it?"

"Karen? It's me," said Ann's voice from the opposite side of the door.

I was glad inside and answered, "Come in," while exiting the bathroom.

Ann entered cautiously, immediately noticing that I had been crying. "Karen," she said, almost inaudibly. "What's the matter? Are you all right? Is it Kai?"

I sank onto my bed, falling back so that my feet dangled toward the floor. "I don't know, Ann!" I restrained another series of sobs, wiping away the lingering mascara still smudged on my face with the towel I clutched in my hand.

My friend sat down next to me on the bed and fingered my hair. "Tell me what's wrong," she said in a soothing tone of voice.

So I told her. I told her everything and made her pinky promise never to tell another soul. It didn't look like she had been that surprised to hear, and that surprised me. "Why aren't you surprised?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "Because I know you. And I know Kai, and I also know Jack. It only makes sense."

"Well..." I sniffed. "What do you think I should do? Talk to Jack?"

"No!"

"Talk to Kai?"

"No!"

"Why not Kai?"

"Because he wouldn't understand. He'd just jump to conclusions and think you're cheating on him with Jack."

"No!" I protested. "He knows I would never do that."

"Well, then, he'll think that you're thinking about Jack when you should be thinking about him."

"Well, I can't just go on not telling him, can I? There'll just be this big, fat elephant in the room all the time...I can't keep a secret from him! It's not right. He needs to know. And there's also something else he needs to know." I paused, swallowing hard. "And you need to know it, too."

Ann looked at me like she was expecting me to continue right away. When I didn't, she prodded. "Karen? Karen, what is it?"

"I'm sorry, I'm just scared that you will hate me and not want to be my friend anymore, much less my best friend."

"Karen, no! Nothing would make me do that!"

I thought about making her swear, but didn't want to trick her. It was only fair to both of us just to come out with it. I was going to tell her about me and God.

"Karen?"

"It's about...it's about..." I stammered nervously. "It's about God."

She looked unsurprised, again. "What about God?"

"He's my God now." I stared at her, and she stared back. "I'm a Christian now, Ann. I have faith in something more than...a fairy tale."

Ann stood. I stood with her. She started to walk toward the door, wordless. I couldn't find the words to stop her. What could I say? "Wait, Ann, come back"? That wouldn't have phased her.

The door closed behind her, and I collapsed onto the floor, a mess of sobs and tears and a feeling of rejection I hadn't felt since my dateless Harvest Festival as a girl. "God!" I cried out, prostrate on the carpet, tears streaming down the sides of my face. "God, what the heck are You doing?"

There was no booming voice from Heaven, no invisible pair of arms to pick me up, and certainly no angel to tell me what was happening and why.

I felt tired of crying, but my tears flowed from a bottomless well of emotions. Again, I felt torn and broken, and thinking about my brokenness only made me want to cry more. So cry I did, and sigh I did, and shiver I did. I lay on my floor, desperately trying not to rouse attention from anyone downstairs but at the same time subconsciously wanting Jack by my side.

Tomorrow I would turn eighteen. My year to wed had passed me by in a flash, and now...Now I knew not to whom my heart belonged.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Come morning, I went to look for Cliff. He was supposed to be staying in the guest bedroom with Kai, but he was never there, it seemed. So I looked for him and looked for him, until I finally spotted a still brown figure at the beach, his feet dangling over the edge of the dock.

Before approaching, I gazed at the sun for an instant and took note that its climb was just beginning. True, I'd missed the actual sunrise, but it could not have been past eight in the morning. What was Cliff doing out here so early?

As I walked toward the dock, I called out his name, and he turned his head to match my voice with my person. "Hey, birthday girl!"

I halted and cocked my head to the side before even stepping onto the wooden pier. I'd forgotten until now. Eighteen years old...

"Karen, you okay?" he asked me considerately.

I walked out onto the dock until seating myself beside him. Curling my legs up so my chin rested lightly on my knees, I shivered in the cold. I was thinking how I should have put on my wool coat instead of a windjacket when I finally answered, "Not really. Ann's mad at me."

"Why?" His voice was soft and sweet.

My eyes filled with tears, but I absolutely refused to let them escape. I was sick of tears, sick of crying. "I told her about...you know. About how I'm a Christian now."

Cliff nodded calmly. "She's mad at me, too."

I looked at him.

"I confronted her about the 'goddess' yesterday. We were here, at the beach, and she started saying stuff about her, so I decided to tell her the truth...the truth that the goddess is false and that Jesus is real, and there's no other way but Him."

"What did she do?"

"Well, of course, her being Ann, I expected her to yell and shout and maybe take a swing at me, but...she just walked away. She didn't say a word."

I nodded. She had done that to me, too. After a full minute of silence, but for the soft splash of the waves and the peaceful calls of nearby seagulls, I asked him, "What should we do?"

Cliff was silent. I could have sworn I saw water in his shady eyes, and a lonely tear traveling down the side of his face, but I said nothing. Instead I just leaned up against him and rested my sad head on his left shoulder.

"Maybe Jack can help us," I said, moving in an implication we should go to his house.

Cliff drew in a quick breath. "I'm sure he could, but I think he's doing something this morning."

Expecting further explanation, I gave my cousin a strange look when none came.

"He told me he may be spending time in the mountains today. He's saving up for a wooden deck, you know, to go outside the farmhouse, and there's a lot of...herbs and...stuff to collect up there. And he can sell them. For money. You know?"

I smiled at Cliff. "What are you up to?" I said knowingly. There had to be something. Why else would Cliff be acting so mysterious and downright shady?

"Nothing! Karen! Why would you think I was up to something?" He was holding back a smile, I could tell. His light brown eyes glittered secretively. Despite the trouble with Ann, he acted childish, giddy even.

I shook my head with a grin, facing the ocean. It was very cold, but it wasn't snowing today. I guessed we'd seen the last of the snow for this year, because tomorrow was the last day of winter, and spring would be upon us before we knew it. However, icicles hung still from every position possible, and our breaths were visible in the thin, icy air. I felt my nose go numb and decided we should get somewhere indoors.

oOoOoOoOoOo

I spent the rest of that morning at the bakery with Cliff. Hardly anybody was anywhere to be found. Elli wasn't there, surprisingly, nor was Popuri at the flower shop. Maria wasn't at the library or the church, and I couldn't find Ann at the Ranch. Cliff wouldn't allow me to search for Jack, not that I wanted to go trekking around on the mountain in the freezing cold weather. I couldn't even locate Kai! He wasn't even in the wine cellar.

The afternoon was spent at the vineyard, where my mother was not found. That was strange. Mother never left! Where could she have gone?

Since there were no friends around, Cliff and I spent the rest of the day, until dinner time, watching a Robin Williams movie marathon on television, eating multiple bags of popcorn and several pizzas, and alternatively napping on the couch. Finally, around six-thirty, during Patch Adams, I asked my cousin, "Okay, so we've been eating all day, but I've still got plenty of room for dinner." I stood up from my lounging position on the sofa. "What do you want? Of course we've got pizza, but we've been eating that all day, and - "

"You know what?" Cliff suddenly interrupted, jumping up from his seat and facing me.

I giggled. "What?"

"Dinner at Jack's might be cool."

With an odd expression spread over my gently smiling face, I answered slowly, "Okay. But I..." I hesitated, thinking my statement over in my head. "...I'd like to find Kai. I haven't seen him all day, and..."

"Don't worry," Cliff said.

"What?"

"Just...go get dressed."

"But I'm already dressed!" I spread my arms a little and looked down at my cute, casual blue tracksuit.

"And you look...cute. But it's too...um..."

"Cold?"

"No, just..." My cousin was quiet for a few seconds. "Uh, didn't you buy a new s-s-skirt the other day?"

"Cliff?" I laughed. "Why are you so jumpy? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He was struggling to compose himself. There was a huge smile tugging at his lips, but he was obviously trying desperately to restrain it. He looked at me like he was expecting me to say something.

"What?"

"The skirt?"

"I bought one like a month ago," I said, my words long and slow.

"Well, have I seen it?"

"I don't think so."

"Why don't you wear it to Jack's?"

"Cliff!"

"What?"

"Why?"

"Because I think it will be pretty! Just wear it! I wanna see it!"

"It's so cold outside though!"

"But it's warm at Jack's!"

"Cliff!"

"What?"

"What's going on?"

"Nothing, Karen!" He grabbed me gently by the arms, using both hands, and maneuvered me in the direction of the staircase. "Now go up there and put it on!"

"You want the boots, too?" I said jokingly, though confused, as I began my slow climb up the stairs.

He didn't really get it. "Yes, yes. Just go! And do your hair, too."

I turned to playfully scowl at him before entering my room, fingering my sloppy mess of updone hair.

He waved his hands as if to shoo me away like a cat on the front porch. "Go!" he urged.

I shook my head at him in confusion and closed the door behind me.

As I pressed the button to begin heating up my straigtening iron, I paused in the start of my process of getting ready. Should I straighten my hair? Strangely, I remembered that Kai had liked my curls yesterday. I remembered the kiss he had given me, and though I had been uncomfortable then, I now longed for the taste of his lips. I hadn't seen him all day...

Until now, I hadn't truly realized the influence Kai had on my daily life. I missed him. Truly, deeply missed him.

Curls would look better with my skirt outfit anyway. With a new purpose for the evening, I unplugged the straightening iron and instead started up the still unreturned curling iron Ann had lent me.

After gingerly applying an exfoliating masque to my face, I had nothing to do until the iron was finished heating. As the masque settled into my skin, I lay back on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, my hands beneath my neck, fingers entwined.

I pondered my tears last night. I had cried so hard. Why? Because of two different feelings for two different people. And now, lying there on my bed, I couldn't help but think the whole situation over again.

Was it betrayal to feel this way about Jack? Adultery? Or is that only if you're married?

I sighed. Maybe it wasn't so smart to think of all of it again. Not before dinner with Jack and Cliff, and maybe Kai. I decided to myself that I would have fun tonight. I would smile and laugh and act as though nothing was wrong. Nothing.

Where could Kai be? He normally told me when he was going somewhere, and usually invited me to come with him. But he hadn't today...Was something going on?

After eight minutes of deep thought, I got up, washed my face, and began the tedious work of hair-doing. Into every curl was placed a moment of thoughtfulness, mostly for Kai, but I also found myself wanting, for once, to look pretty for Jack. Corny, cliche, but, shamefully true.

Finally it was done, and I moved on to make up. Very little eyeshadow, with a little shimmer, and a sizable quantity of blush, because my face was so pale due to the cold weather. Black eyeliner, soft lipliner, a peachy lip glaze because my lips were already so bright, again due to the cold. Mascara was applied until my eyelashes were thick, black, long, and luscious.

Then came the clothes. My skirt had a fitted waist and then flowed down around my knees; it's design was slenderizing and absolutely adorable. To match the very thin diagonal stripes of soft baby pink and dark brown on the skirt, I had nothing else to choose but a sleeveless pink top with strips of the fabric hanging down from my shoulders a few inches. I was also very excited to wear my new short pink boots, with fur lining the top.

What could I wear for a jacket? It was freezing outside...just a stylish sweater wouldn't do. If only I had one of those fur-lined coats everyone on the mainland was wearing now. But I didn't, so I donned an old pullover and wore a denim jacket over it.

Lastly, I put on my jewelry. Pink rhinestone studs for my ears, a simple pink piece of fabric wrapped around my neck like a choker with a small, darling prism dangling from it, my usual finger jewelry, and finally, several metal rings around my right wrist. I contemplated wearing a watch, but I had yet to buy a cute band for the one I had, so I decided against it, leaving my left wrist bare. Oh, well.

I was slightly surprised when I saw Cliff waiting downstairs, all dressed up in nice jeans (he must have borrowed them from Jack), a thick brown belt, a casual button down shirt, hanging open over a tee shirt or something, Doc Martins on his feet (ok, he must have borrowed them from Jack), wrapped in a warm-looking suade jacket. I knew the jacket, at least, belonged to him. He'd gotten it from Ann and me as a Christmas present. As I looked Cliff over approvingly, he spun slowly to let me see the entirety of his gorgeousness.

"Wow, Cliff!" I said, releasing a radiant, happy grin. "You look really nice!"

"As do you," he replied sweetly, motioning for me to join him at his side. "I knew the skirt would look nice."

I laughed, tucking my arm through his as we walked across the living room and out the door. Cliff flipped off the light switch as we exited. "So will there be a nice little birthday dinner for me at Jack's?" I asked my cousin, stepping with him in unison away from the vineyard, toward the crossroads at a quick, steady pace.

His ever-mischeivous eyes flickered with hidden knowledge, and I knew Ann would have swooned had she been looking at him now as I was, looking all handsome and mysterious. "Maybe," he said childishly.

"You're so weird," I told him kiddingly.

He simply shrugged off the playful comment and walked with a little more pep in his step until we reached Jack's front door four or five minutes later. Cliff knocked politely.

No response came.

I furrowed my brow, at first wondering why nobody was answering, and then suddenly remembering I'd forgotten Kai despite my constant thought of him. "Cliff, we forgot Kai!" I squeaked.

Cliff was ignoring me, peeking in the slightly frosted front window with a weird, confused look on his face. He rapped on the window a few times. The rhythm of his taps strangely resembled the beat of Jingle Bells.

Finally, after several more silly gestures of unnecessary politeness, I said with force behind my voice, "Oh, stop it, Cliff, let's just go inside, you goob!"

With that, I thrust the door open and was immediately startled by a loud chorus of, "SURPRISE!"

I staggered and fell back against Cliff, who looked down at me and smiled. I giggled as I looked ahead at the roomful of Flowerbud villagers, all here to celebrate my birthday. Cliff bounced me back on to my feet and right into Kai's arms. As the townspeople cheered and laughed boisterously, my boyfriend lifted me off my feet and spun me swiftly around.

And finally, to the amusement of our audience, his lips met mine in the kiss I'd been longing for all evening. I smiled throughout the duration of the kiss, and though it lasted no longer than five or six seconds, it was enough to make my smile last for hours longer. About midway through the kiss, the guests had gone back to whatever they'd been doing before.

It was a surprise to both of us that when we parted, I asked, "Where's Jack?" Immediately I bit my lip, but Kai's smile faded only for an instant before returning full-force.

"Aw, that rascal's somewhere around here. You can probably find him over by the punch bowl servin' drinks," he told me.

I looked into his eyes and wanted to kiss him again. He looked down at me with affection in his deep brown eyes. He took the back of my head with his hand, slightly stroking my hair with his fingers. "Happy birthday," he murmured, his voice low, soft, and sweeter than anything I'd ever heard. I stood taller to kiss his lips, and I felt him ease up in relief.

"Thank you," I said to him.

Suddenly, my hand was grabbed, and I was being dragged outside by my arm. "Ann," I said in somewhat disbelief when we were out the door.

She had been crying earlier, but it was well-hidden behind some makeup. I could only tell because I'm her best friend and I know her like I know myself. "Karen, I can't stand being mad at you. Not on your birthday, not ever." Her voice was thick with emotion, and a tear, probably a leftover, rolled quickly down the side of her face. She wiped at it before it could ruin her eyeliner. "I still don't know what to think of this whole Christian thing, but I kind of think it's growing on me. I mean, I can tolerate it. I just can't...not be your best friend." She covered her mouth with her hand, wiping at her tears.

I immediately stepped forward to wrap her in my arms. "You're not not my best friend," I assured her. "I know it's kind of a hard thing to go through, this whole God thing, but it'll all come out just fine, and I don't want to have to lose you as my friend just because I'm a Christian now."

She looked at me.

"But that doesn't mean I'm giving it up," I corrected my misleading structure of dialogue.

Ann nodded. "You shouldn't have to."

I hugged her again. "I love you," I murmured.

"I love you, too," she answered.

oOoOoOoOoOo

A few minutes later, I found Jack, just as Kai had said, at the food table, serving the refreshments. He saw me coming toward him with a huge smile on my face, dropped the punch ladel, and opened his arms wide so I could jump into them in the biggest hug ever. "Jack!" I cried over the blaring of the music. "Was this all your idea?"

"Well, me and Cliff and Kai all thought of it together." That was his way of saying yes, yes, it was his idea. "Just wait...There's gonna be dancing, soon as Kai and Cliff get off their bums and move the sofa and stuff. I even cleaned the floor." He grinned.

And it pained me, because I found myself wanting to kiss him, too. "Thanks, Jack, this really means a lot."

He looked into my eyes like he had something to say, but he remained silent. "Happy birthday, Karen," he said.

I smiled in reply.

The night went on with nothing but fun, dancing, laughter, and food. It was a nice way to end the year, seeing as how tomorrow was New Year's Eve.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Author's note: Ok, that's the end of this chapter. Sorry, I've just been really busy with school. And last week, we had three basketball games, and I had to cheer at all of them! Yeah, I still haven't finished my math homework...I'll, um...get around to that. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Things are gonna get pretty dramatic next time, at least I hope so.