The Greatest Sacrifice

A/N: Oh, my, you guys are going to go nuts.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

I heard the room go silent and knew that my friends had all turned to watch. They'd known this was coming. They'd all planned it together. And now it was happening.

The rare, yet traditional blue feather radiated prettily, positioned in his hand next to the glimmering diamond that winked up at me, set in silver. I felt my phalanges go numb and exhaled shakily. Why was my brain functioning so slowly? It had been near four seconds and I still didn't know whether I was happy or…

Of course I was happy! I was going to marry Kai! I was going to marry the sweetest, most charming, most handsome man in the world…

A little lost tear rolled from the corner of my left eye as a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. "Oh, Kai! Oh, Kai, yes! Yes, of course I'll marry you! Yes, I'll marry you!"

The man's grin grew so big that I couldn't contain one of my own. I laughed aloud as he stood to wrap his arms around me and lift me off my feet. Throwing my arms around his neck, I cried and laughed and shivered and shook all at once as he squeezed me tightly and spun around once. I heard the cheering and clapping of my friends around us, as well as those of the people in Time Square on television who celebrated the New Year.

Finally I was back on my feet, standing close to my life partner, and he removed the ring from its seat in the silky white cushions of the velvet box. It was so beautiful I couldn't take my eyes off it as he took my left hand and slid it gently and slowly onto my ring finger. A perfect fit…This was just meant to be. He handed me the blue feather, and I clutched its stem in my fingers, delicately twirling it. "Oh, Kai," I murmured over and over again, staring at the ring, at the feather, at the ring, at the feather…

I felt his fingertips underneath my chin and looked up at him, into his dark brown eyes. "Karen," he whispered softly, so low that the others, who were no doubt still watching but making slight noise, a few of them having run off to alert the townspeople of the big news, couldn't hear. "I love you."

I couldn't have torn my eyes away from his even if I'd wanted to. A million thoughts were rushing through my head. In a split-second, I heard Jack's voice saying the same thing to me, and I heard myself saying it back, but in a flash it was gone and I was lost again in the depth of Kai's eyes.

A smile crept onto my lips as I answered in a low, gentle whisper, "I love you, too."

He smiled back at me and bent his neck down until our cheeks touched. "I want us to spend the rest of our lives together," he whispered softly in my ear. "I love you so much."

"Kai," I stammered, trying not to ruin the moment. "Me, too…I love you, too."

He pulled his head back, and I felt his hand on the back of my own as he pulled me toward him. My lips met his, and we kissed.

oOoOoOoOoOo

I slept at Ann's. Well, actually, no sleeping was done until we had talked about the wedding, the romance, and the future for three hours.

When we woke up at eleven the next morning, we knew the New Year's Festival was probably still going on in the Square, so we dressed quickly and started out. I, clad in loose, hole-spotted jeans, a tee shirt, a hoodie, and half-shoes, walked beside my best friend, dressed near identically, as the two of us strolled the dirt and brick streets of our hometown, on our way to the town square to see what was going on.

Again and again I kept reminding myself: I'm engaged! Oh, my gosh, I'm engaged! I couldn't stop looking down at my ring, at my beautiful, shimmering, all-mine ring. Still in a state of shock and even disbelief, the thoughts startled me. One day in the near future I would finally walk down the aisle and face this man…We would say our vows…He would slip a golden band onto my finger…He would kiss me, the bride, and we would be husband and wife…I still didn't know what to think.

Ann's voice interrupted my thoughts as we approached the stairway to the town square. "Well…here goes. No telling what might be going on up there." She was right. A riot of various voices and shouts could be heard from our position at the foot of the steps. The New Year's Festival was known for being the loudest, rudest, crudest, and most obnoxious festival known to Flowerbud.

Already the unbecoming scent of alcohol had found my nostrils. It was not even noon yet, and I knew that at the top of the stairs we would find a crowd of energetic drunken men.

"Ann," I said, hesitating once we had climbed halfway up. "I don't think we should be here."

Ann looked at me weirdly. "We've come to this thing every year since we were like, twelve… Just because we're not really into liquor doesn't mean we can't enjoy ourselves. The mayor will probably put on some music, and there might be some dancing! Come on, it'll be fine."

"No, I just, um…" I let out a breath and a puff of visible air rose from my mouth. "What if my dad's here?"

"We can avoid him easily enough," she assured me. "He'll be too busy anyway."

"What if…what if…" I cleared my throat as if it was the reason I couldn't spit out the words. "What if…" Um, okay, come on, voice, this would be a great time for you to kick in… I cleared my throat again.

"Karen!" Ann took me by the shoulders. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I just…" A million thoughts were running through my head. The main one was What if Kai is here? And I couldn't find an answer out of any of the other nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine thoughts. I didn't want to blow the whole wedding just because I happened to see Kai drunk…He had promised! He had promised never to drink again…

It only took Ann a few more seconds to read my mind. "Oh, goddess, let's go," she said immediately, grabbing my arm and leading me back down the stairs.

Once we had reached the bottom, our feet again on solid ground, I was startled to see my fiancé walking toward me with Cliff at his side. I sensed Ann looking at me, but I did not return her glance, my eyes fixed on Kai.

He was like Ann in that it only took him a few seconds to read my expression. Instantly he stopped walking, about five yards away from me, and held his arms out in such a way that invited me into them. I ran to him and buried myself in the depths of his now off-season winter coat, my arms clinging to him. He pulled me toward himself by the small of my back and I felt a kiss being planted atop my head. "It's ok," he whispered reassuringly. "I don't break promises."

I only sniffed a little and squeezed my eyes shut to close in the onslaught of tears that had threatened to spill. "I'm sorry, I just…I mean I don't mean to overreact, it's just that I…"

"Shh…" he soothed, rocking back and forth. "I know."

Something felt wrong. Kai was perfect, and this was a perfect moment, but something was just wrong. In my mind was a sore spot, a tiny voice that whispered the sheer wrongness of this moment. Was it Kai, or was it just me? Was it the topic of the conversation or maybe the way it was being discussed? Did it have something to do with the change in our relationship?

I chose to ignore the sore spot, and brushing it aside was easier than I anticipated. I supposed it to simply be an early case of cold feet.

When Kai and I parted, Ann and Cliff were nowhere in sight. I sniffed, scooped a few tears out from under my eyes, and chuckled softly. "I wonder where they went?"

"I don't know, but do you want to go somewhere?" Kai's ungloved hand reached for the small of my back as we started walking down the brick path that bisected Upper Flowerbud Village.

"Where? Everything is closed for New Year's," I replied, leaning against him, the side of my head finding his shoulder.

Slowly we strolled toward the crossroads. "Well, there's always the beach, or the river, or the pond, or the mountain…We could do hot springs."

"Ooh, hot springs…" I contemplated. Maybe too intense, came a message from the sore spot. "Or just the beach sounds good…maybe we could just sit?"

"Or we could just sit at home."

"Sounds good," I breathed.

The house was warm and comfortable…and empty. The couch beckoned us with its deep, soft cushions and its convenient location before the television. After flicking on the light and the TV, the two of us plopped down in the living room, kicking our shoes off onto the rug. "Hey, look, the parade's on," I said, snuggling against the arm rest with my feet pointed in Kai's direction.

"So it is," Kai answered, leaning back against the sofa.

"I wonder where Ann and Cliff are…" I murmured idly, somewhat bored, my eyes on the TV screen.

Kai's voice was sly and mischievous as he crawled toward me. "We're all alone!" There was an element of humor to his motions, so I laughed aloud and turned my entire body to face him, my back against the armrest. His smile grew huge as he went in for a gaping-mouthed kiss.

"Whoa!" I pulled away slightly, my nose still pushing against his as we breathed into each other's mouths. "That was…different."

He nodded a little, and I laughed as his grin continued to grow. "You like?"

I bobbed my head from side to side jokingly. "Hm…a little."

Again his mouth pressed against mine in a longer, deeper kiss. It had been a while since we had kissed in this way. His right arm supported his weight on the couch so he was not fully atop me, and his left hand held the side of my face. My hand touched his shoulder somewhat protectively.

I sensed my pulse quickening and my air supply dwindling. My adrenaline was high and rushing, my abdomen tight with anticipation. "Kai," I finally gasped. "Too much…Just too much."

"What?" he whispered, breathing heavily.

I felt dirty and guilty. This was like a scene in one of those movies where both the people know they are pushing it too far but neither of them can stop. I wanted to end this now before it got to the level where it couldn't be stopped.

But as his lips again met mine, I didn't know what a little more could hurt. We weren't having sex or anything. Just kissing. This was fine. We were smiling. This was harmless. This was fun! Just a game. Just a game.

The arm that had been supporting him had relaxed without my even noticing. His body was closer to mine. Things were becoming slightly more intense, but it was still all right. Our clothes were still on. We were just enjoying the moment…connecting.

I felt his lips leave mine and the warmth of his body disappear, and by the time I had opened my eyes, I was in his arms. He carried me to his bedroom and laid me out atop the comforter. As he left me to close and…gulp…lock the door, the inside of my head became deafeningly loud.

The words oh, my gosh were echoing ever-so-loudly in my head. I tried to close out the sound with assurances of, "It's alright, we're just having a little fun," and "If things get out-of-hand, I can always put it to a stop."

But as he returned to me unsmiling, I couldn't not speak up. "Kai, we can't do this. This isn't right. I don't do this. We've never done it, and we're not supposed to yet. This can't happen, and we can't…"

"Karen!" he said.

I sat up and supported myself with my arms.

He sat beside me on the bed and cracked a small smile. "It's ok. The couch was just too small and uncomfortable."

My eyes narrowed as I searched his expression. His eyes were shallower than usual. "Then open the door," I challenged him.

His eyes narrowed in response. "How 'bout I just unlock it?"

"How 'bout you just open it?" I felt powerful and very smart as he surrendered, walking towards the door to open it.

But the good feeling disappeared when the door swung open to reveal my cousin standing outside. It was clear by the way he was standing that he had been about to open the door and come inside when Kai opened it. The situation shifted faster than I'd ever known a situation could shift. There Kai was, looking messy and breathing hard, and me, of course, laying out on the bed looking about the same. Cliff stood erect. The atmosphere dipped to a level of seriousness I hadn't experienced since that time on the sofa when Kai and I had almost gone all the way.

I was off the bed in a split second and making my way toward him. Cliff's eyes were stiff and unmoving, showing no emotion. He seemed frozen as I approached him. What I was going to say or do, I didn't know, but I just had to be alone with him. I had a feeling I had done something very bad, something very wrong, even though nothing technically sexual had happened.

Standing inches away from my cousin, I stared into his eyes with guilty tears rising up in my own. His expression spelled shame and disappointment, even disgust. I didn't know what to do, so I turned and said Kai's name. "Could you just…leave us alone for a second?"

I didn't take the time to read Kai's face, but I could hear in his voice that he was upset as he answered, "Yeah, sure…I'll be…I don't know where I'll be, but I'll be back soon." And he left. We heard the front door of the house open and close, and I knew that conviction was in the near future.

"What should I say, Karen?" Cliff asked me, his voice barely audible, softer than a whisper, but still containing as many ounces of repulsion as it possibly could.

My tears began to spill, trickling slowly down my cheeks as I tried to wipe them away and muster up a voice. "I…I don't…I don't…" Breath was not coming easily.

"Well, I don't know either." His voice was louder now, and I didn't think that was a good thing. His eyes were angry. "Would you like to tell me what exactly happened?"

Actually, no, but I could see I had no choice. "It started on the couch. We were just kissing, just messing around. Kai said the couch was too small, so we changed over to the bedroom, and he had the door closed, but I told him to open it because I had no intention of…"

"Of what?" His voice contained enough force to be characterized as yelling, but it wasn't quite as loud. "Of what?"

He was really going to make me say it. "Of having sex. I wasn't going to do it, so I made him open the door." My justification sounded pretty good, but even I wasn't satisfied. There was still this nagging, gnawing feeling of shame hanging over my head. I felt like a sleaze, like I had been used although I technically hadn't.

"Did you really think the bed was a good idea?" These were good questions.

"N-n-n…" I stammered, tears falling. "No, I didn't."

"So are you going to pass the buck to Kai and try to make me believe that he was pushing you into having sex?"

"No, it wasn't his fault any more than it was mine. I don't think he even sees the bad in what we were playing with, so it's p-p-probably more my fault than his." I tried to stop crying, but the air was welling up inside of me and hiccups and sobs were all that would come out.

"What did you think was gonna happen on the bed?"

At first, I didn't know how to answer this question. Had I even been thinking? Yes, I had to have been. I had known from the second he laid me out on the bedspread that it wasn't a good thing. I had known that sex was the next thing on the agenda…on his agenda. Why hadn't I argued? I could have easily gotten out of the situation, but for some reason, I had settled for opening the door. After sputtering for a few seconds, I was finally able to answer. "I knew that…I knew that sex might happen if we stayed on the bed. But in my mind, I don't know, it's like the key word was might… I wasn't going to let it go that far. We were just gonna kiss some more, and if things were pushed too far, I would stop it. I wasn't anticipating sex."

Cliff's eyes were moist but still rigid and unmoving as he stared me down. I involuntarily emitted another short sob. I felt like a harlot, a whore, a slut, a tramp. I felt like I was on trial, and I knew it was rightly so. My cousin's voice came softer to me. "When you say 'If things were pushed too far,' do you mean, 'if he pushed things too far?'"

I really didn't think this was Kai's fault. I didn't know why, because he knew I didn't want to have sex, and he knew he shouldn't have set me up for something I didn't want, but I felt like all the guilt belonged to me. "This wasn't Kai's fault," I stated simply, defending my fiancé.

"Oh, I agree," Cliff said. "Did you know that God says not to be yoked together with a nonbeliever?"

I hung my head, feeling like an idiot. "No, I didn't."

When I looked up, though, Cliff's head was hanging. Finally he looked up into my eyes, a tear falling from his own, as he said, "I'm sorry. I'm in no place to judge you."

But he was! Through my tears and hiccups I showed him the confusion I was feeling. "What?"

"I'm sorry," he repeated, but we both knew I had heard him the first time. "I'm overreacting. I know you didn't actually go the whole way and I believe you when you say you had no intention of going. I guess I just…I just thought you were above this. I didn't think you'd give him that much before he'd given you himself, his commitment."

"I thought I was above it, too, Cliff," I answered through a loud sob, my voice shaking violently. "I shouldn't have done that, especially now that I'm with God." I didn't even want to think about how far it might have gotten should Cliff not have showed up in the doorway.

My cousin stepped toward me and wrapped his arms around my trembling frame. I flung my arms around his neck and sobbed. I couldn't believe the mistake I'd almost made, the huge, unforgettable, irreversible, stupid mistake.

I sobbed because I didn't know what I was supposed to do now. Was Kai right for me? He wasn't a believer. Did I want to be with a guy who would play me like that? I couldn't believe how easily he'd gotten me into his bedroom. This was all my fault; if I could've just controlled myself then none of this would be happening.

oOoOoOoOoOo

An hour and a half later, after not hearing from or seeing Kai, I was at Jack's house with Cliff and Popuri. I wanted to know more about this proscription of being "yoked" together with a nonbeliever, and Jack thought Popuri might, too. So the four of us sat in his living room sipping soft drinks and passing around a can of sour cream and onion Pringles.

"Elli said she'd make it as soon as she has a free moment," Popuri said, taking a seat next to Cliff on the couch and tucking her hands into the arms of her sweatshirt. Her words were slightly hindered by the round lollipop in her mouth.

"Where is she?" I asked, stretching out on the floor and rolling onto my stomach, pulling down the bottom of my hoodie and resting my head on folded arms.

"At the square," the pink-haired beauty answered with a small sigh, "controlling the chaos, somewhat. You know, she and Jeff went there in the first place to run the booth, but at the end of the day, the booth is empty of all cake and Elli and Jeff are forced to help out with the cleanup."

"The cleanup?" Cliff questioned. "It's only like, two."

"Yeah, around mid-afternoon they just start cleaning up as the mess is made." I sighed and swiftly glance around the room at my friends.

"Kinda like shoveling the sidewalk while it's still snowing?" Jack joked. He didn't know about the situation I had previously shared with Kai, and I wasn't planning on telling him. I didn't see what profit or good would come from its publicity, even if it was only shared with Jack, a close friend.

I felt burdened and disheartened, like a little kid who can't find her dog…Sad, lost, emotional, obligated, unknowing, and vulnerable. I knew my engagement was in jeopardy;

in fact, my entire relationship with Kai. I had come so far with this man; what if I lost it all on a single bad judgment?

But now, I'd discovered that it is against God's will for one of His own to be "yoked" together with someone who has yet to accept Him. It looked like that meant either to break it off with Kai or get him saved as soon as possible.

"Alright, let's look at this," Jack said, swallowing a mouthful of chips. "We're at II Corinthians 6, starting at verse 14."

I flipped through the thin pages of my Bible until I reached the passage. Before Jack started to read the verses aloud, I glanced up at the verses that came before, being careful not to take the Word out of context. Verses eleven through thirteen read, "We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange – I speak as to my children – open wide your hearts also." I stopped there and listened as Jack read the next few verses.

He cleared his throat and clearly read, "'Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.' That's pretty clear right there, but it gets more interesting as we continue looking. We're in the middle of verse 14 now. 'For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?' Verses 15 through 16: 'What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be My people."' Verses 17 and 18 now: '"Therefore come out from them and be separate," says the Lord. "Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters," says the Lord Almighty.'"

A tear dropped from my eye to the pages of my Bible. I was ashamed and felt like I had betrayed my God. Looking up at Jack as he continued to speak, I wiped at my dripping eye makeup.

"That's pretty deep stuff, huh? Look at verse fourteen again. It just blatantly states the matter of the fact, right off the bat. 'Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.' That pretty much sums up this entire passage of Scripture, but the rest helps us to understand a little better. What do you all think about this stuff?"

Popuri immediately spoke up. "I think it's more important than it reads. Like, the way it's written doesn't really sound that vital, but when you think about it, it has to be. I guess it's kind of like a father not wanting his children hanging around bad kids."

"Well, I wouldn't consider 'hanging around' and 'being yoked together' to be quite the same thing," Cliff said, shifting so he sat atop his foot on the sofa. "I think this is really just talking about your core group of close friends and your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend." He paused. "Jack?"

"That's what I get from it," Jack answered, using his finger to keep his place between the pages of his Bible. "Karen?"

I nodded silently. He gave me a questioning look, and I waved my hand in response, suggesting that we talk later.

"Okay," Jack continued. "So, why? Why does God insist that it be this way?"

Again, Popuri was first to speak. "Well, it says right there in um…" She looked down at her new Bible. "In the middle of verse 16, it says, 'For we are the temple of the living God.' So I see where God's coming from. I mean, if He's inside of us like He is, then He should get a pretty decent say in who we associate ourselves with, or yoke together with or whatever. And since He is our Father, we are His kids, so you can kinda look at it in a real-life parent-child scenario. Who would you pick for your kids to yoke together with? Other kids you know, right? Good kids who love and respect you and who will love and respect your kid, right?"

She looked at the three of us, and our jaws dropped at the profound wisdom that had just come forth from the mouth of a newborn Christian. "Well, Popuri," Cliff said, smacking his hand against the top of his Bible in disbelief, "I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head."

Jack let out a laugh, and I smiled. "Yep," Jack agreed, "I think you pretty much did."

I sighed and understood. The wrongness of my actions registered in my mind, but I was still in the dark as to what I was supposed to do about it.

Jack and Cliff wrapped up the brief Bible study, concluding that Elli would simply not be able to make any of it but that they would touch base with her on the subject, and the group of us went our separate ways.

Jack wanted to speak with me, but I told him I had to get going. I really did have to get home, but I really didn't want to explain my whole predicament to him. Of course, I knew that eventually I would, but now was not the time, place, or mood.

Cliff was headed for home, and I wanted to be alone, so I strolled down the crossroads, past the Green Ranch, and down the hill onto the sandy, frosty beach. Even wrapped in my hoodie, I shivered. The damp-with-ice sand stuck to the bottoms of my jeans and gathered on the soles of my shoes as I walked slowly, sadly down the shoreline.

I thought about things I had from the Bible with Cliff in the past few weeks. Recently in one of our frequent, deep conversations, Cliff had said to me, "Times get hard and different, but there's one thing that will never change…and that's His love for us. The book of Psalms says that the greatest sacrifice we can give to God is a broken spirit. Complete surrender. I've always thought that the most beautiful sound in God's ears would be our desperate cries for Him. So many times in the past few years, as my families have struggled, I have fallen to my face and cried, 'Lord, Lord, Lord, I need you!' in the utmost desperation. Totally broken and confused…"

So as I reached the edge of the dock, I fell to my knees, tears streaming, voice shaking, heart throbbing, and cried, "Lord, I need You now!" Urgently, I prayed to Him, my voice whispering for lack of strength. "Lord, Lord, I need You now…Lord, please help me, I need You now, Lord, please…help me…" Repetitive was my prayer, but broken was my spirit.