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This story will be an alternating POV between Tonks and Lupin, starting after the hospital ward scene in HBP. Spoilers for HBP.
A Chance at Happiness by Fairygirlie
I am an idiot.
I can't believe I couldn't keep my big mouth shut. I had to have an outburst in front of everyone. Everyone knows how I feel about Remus. Granted, Molly and Arthur already knew, but to have a fit in front of Harry, Hermione, Ron and God know who else was in the ward earlier in the night; that was completely inappropriate, especially in light of what happened tonight. Dumbledore was murdered, Snape is a traitor, Greyback attacked Bill, and of course, my emotions run wild whenever I'm around Remus.
Oh Remus. Something tells me I may never see him again.
I've been standing in the front hallway of my flat for several minutes now, after Apparating back home replaying the whole evening in my head over and over again…the whole battle, but especially the part in the hospital ward at Hogwarts. I feel like my feet are rooted to the ground. I can't bear to move, to breathe, but I need to keep moving. I need to occupy my mind with something. As I look around the flat, it occurs to me that I've really got nothing to. No dishes to wash, no laundry to do, no simple busywork that could take my mind off life.
Something draws me to window, so I decide to sit in the dark and look out onto the city. I don't live in an attractive part of town; no city skyline for me, but I'm content to look out onto Muggle flats and imagine what is going on in the lives of the people who have absolutely no idea what's going on in my world. It just started raining and I can tell a thunderstorm is on the horizon. After spending a few more minutes at the window, I pour myself a glass of whiskey, a gift from one of my Muggle cousins. If I'm going to wallow in self-pity, this is really a great way to do it.
"Rainy days and Mondays always get me down…" I weakly sing to myself as I watch the downpour outside. Actually, I love the rain. It's like the heavens wash away all the grime and soot of the day leaving a new beginning. Tonight, the heavens are crying. Crying for the loss of a great man. Inside I'm crying for everything and everyone. As I pour myself another glass, I'm suddenly sickened by what I've become. Before Remus entered my life, I was always an effervescent, fun girl. I felt like people enjoyed hanging out with me. I loved my job…then things changed. No, no, this is all wrong. It has nothing to do with Remus…well, actually it does, it's his fault partially. Letting myself fall in love with him was the worst thing that could've happened.
We were friends from the first moment I met him. He struck me as an extremely smart, dedicated man with an undercurrent of mischief. And for someone twelve years older than me, I must admit that I was instantly attracted to him. There was just something about him; something I couldn't quite put my finger on.. We spent so much time together at Grimmauld Place. Usually it was Remus, Sirius and me but sometimes it was just the two of us. We could spend hours talking about nothing at all, yet I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world. We could also be in the same quietly room working without the need to fill the silence…Then Sirius died. Everything changed.
Even though Sirius was my cousin, I never really knew him all that well, but we had been growing close during that short year we spent working together with the Order. When he was locked away in Azkaban, the whole family grieved and moved on, never expecting to ever see him again. When he escaped, I had the opportunity to get to know him all over again. When he died, I was crushed at the reality that he was gone for good this time. I think Remus knew I felt this way. We talked about our experiences dealing with loss a few days after I was released from St. Mungos, on the way back from the train station, after we dealt with the Dursleys. Remus had more loss in his life than anyone I've ever met, but it felt good to talk about our experiences.
During one of those talks, I discovered that I was falling for Remus. I had never been in love before. I had barely been in "like" as teenagers might phrase it, but I knew what these new feelings were.
Outside, the lightening clapped, rousing me from my reverie. Finishing my glass and wiping the tears from my eyes, I retired to my bedroom. Sometimes happiness is a nice, warm bed.