Chapter 23

Distantly, Quatre heard the front door close and the vid com connection end as the others left him where he lay; afraid to speak to him and just as afraid to move him. In their absence, his mind raced with the possibilities.

Trowa could have gotten a hold of a mobile suit and flown away. He knew from piloting classes that Trowa was an excellent pilot. Perhaps he stole aboard the cargo ship that docked last night and left three hours later. Or maybe he was hiding, waiting for the perfect opportunity to leave with everything he needed. Yes, that was more Trowa's style, he wouldn't just leave, ignoring what he needed to make that escape. Trowa was thorough and meticulous; he'd have gathered everything he needed before even thinking of leaving.

But Ralph had said that Trowa hadn't taken anything but what he'd been brought aboard with. Maybe from the tent, but Quatre didn't think Trowa would just abandon his medical regime. That meant that Trowa had to at least make a stop at the infirmary. He would have taken the medicine he needed to finish up his treatments, maybe even a few of the more potent drugs for trade. He wouldn't start taking drugs again; Trowa only did that to…he wouldn't do it again.

What else? Slowly, Quatre sat up and crawled across the floor until his back was pressed up against the side of the chair Rashid preferred.

Food, Trowa wouldn't leave without enough food to get him where he hoped to go. That meant he'd either been stock piling it for the last few weeks, or he'd raided the stores. Most likely he'd raided the stores. If Trowa thought that people were watching him, he never would have risked them seeing the preparations for his planned escape; too risky. So he'd probably taken from the supply shipment last night. Most likely he'd taken it before anyone noticed, and the workers had just assumed they'd forgotten something and resent for it. No one would think a fellow Maguanac would steal from freely shared supplies.

What about clothing? Trowa had the clothes on his back, but Quatre knew from experience that space was a cold unforgiving climate. He would have needed warm clothes for the times behind the sun, and cool clothes for his times in front of it. An unshielded shuttle could have taken weeks to make the journey back to Earth or the Moon colony, in that time the temperature change would have been across the board hourly. But where could he have gotten the clothes?

Not clothes, in the plural form, just one very special piece of clothing, a flight suit. Trowa must have taken his flight suit from class. Quatre remembered Abdule saying that the flight suits were all going to be washed and repaired for next week's survival training in the forests of the colony. And now that he thought about it, Trowa had offered to help Duo carry the clothing down to the machines. Trowa must have taken the flight suit then, either putting it on under his own clothes or hiding it somewhere he could get at it before he made his exit.

All the essentials, food, clothing, medicine and money. There was only one other thing Trowa couldn't leave the colony without, one thing more valuable than the rest.

Closing his eyes, Quatre took a deep breath before opening them and standing up. The quilt fell from his shoulders, but he took no notice; instead he moved across the sitting room and paused in front of his bedroom door.

The one thing, Trowa couldn't leave without.

The one thing he couldn't live without.

Moving forward, Quatre triggered the door and stepped through.

Standing on the other side of the bed, his manner calm, his body relaxed, was Trowa. By the edge of the bed, resting on the floor was a knapsack, and Quatre knew the medicine and food was inside, enough for two people to escape the eyes that followed them everywhere. On Trowa's person was a flight suit of deep green with red and blue strips up the sides, but on the bed was a smaller suit, one done in dark navy blue with gold and white stripes--Quatre's suit from practice.

Calmly, Trowa sat down on the bed and with no other invitation; Quatre moved around and sat beside him, only the flight suit between them.

Trowa was the first to speak.

"I'm leaving."

Quatre nodded. "I know."

"You have to come with me."

Raising his head, Quatre looked deeply into Trowa's eyes. Beneath the calm that blanketed all of Trowa's emotions, Quatre could sense the panic this conversation was causing him. Trowa knew that time was of the essence, he knew that the seconds he took to convince his friend were only increasing their chances of getting caught and decreasing their ability to make a clean get away.

What Quatre saw brought a light smile to his face, but the gesture stunned Trowa, who backed up as if slapped. Shaking his head, Quatre retained the smile as he reached out to gently touch Trowa's hand.

Again that strange calm settled over him, leaving Quatre to feel as if in a light dream. "You know we can't go, Trowa. We have so much left to do here before we can rest."

Then the dreaminess lifted and Quatre continued with what he was going to say. "I know you're scared. I know what you dream about, because I dream about it as well. I understand how the eyes follow you, because they follow me through you. But Ralph needs you, just as much as Rashid needs me."

But Trowa shook his head and stood. For a moment he just looked down at the bag he'd packed, but then he began pacing, back and for across the carpet.

"I can't, Quatre, I can't do it. I know what they're thinking when they look at me, I've seen it before."

Quatre nodded again. "I know. I've seen that look before too."

Trowa stopped. "What do you mean?"

Closing his eyes, Quatre spoke without looking up. "Last night I had a dream." He paused as he felt the bed dip--Trowa had moved next to him.

"What did you dream about?"

Sighing, Quatre started again. "The dream…it was you."

The question was clear in Trowa's voice. "What do you mean it was me?"

Looking up, blue mingled with green. "In the dream, it was night, and I was you. There'd been a raid on a village, I don't really understand what happened, but I knew everyone was dead, and you…you felt guilty about it." Eyelids closed over green as Trowa rose and moved to lean against the wall. "There was a man, someone you remembered but I never saw. He'd given you some kind of drug and you took it away from the others. But--but they found you, and--"

"Don't. I know what you're talking about." Trowa's voice was thick and his shoulders tense as he turned around. "But how did you know? I thought empaths could feel emotions, not experience dreams."

Once again, Quatre ducked away from what his mind told him was an accusation, even as his heart told him Trowa meant no harm. "I've never had this happen to me before. I didn't even know I could do it. But, Trowa, I--" he paused, not daring to make eye contact with his friend, but not allowing himself to back down. "Trowa, you, you have to tell me…please, it isn't always, I mean, it, it doesn't always…"

From across the room came Trowa's defeated voice. "Always."

NO! That couldn't be!

Jumping to his feet, Quatre moved quickly to stand before Trowa. "But it can't be, Trowa, it can't! I, I know Rashid and Abdule…do that…but I never sense that kind of pain from either one of them. They, they're usually very happy and cuddly afterwards. And, and there's this flash, I don't know how to describe it, but it's not bad, Trowa, it isn't!"

Trowa shook his head. "It's always bad, Quatre. Not one time was it ever good. I hated it, every time…every time it happened, I hated it. Eyes would follow me across the camp. Then, at night--it was always night--they'd come for me. Sometimes it'd just be a few, too drunk or stoned to do much of anything and I could get away. But on the bad nights, the ones that…that I wished never happened, they wouldn't be drunk enough, or they'd come in groups. Up to five I could take on my own, ten was an impossible number."

Closing his eyes tightly, Trowa turned his back to the wall and slid down it, allowing his knees to press against his chest; and Quatre followed him until they were both huddled against each other and the wall.

Quatre spoke next. "It was like I was you. I could feel everything you felt. I was so afraid, but I couldn't show it. And it hurt, god Trowa, it hurt so badly." A long gangly arm came around his shoulders, and Quatre allowed Trowa to pull him close against his chest, barely noticing the contact but recognizing the comfort. "I've never felt any emotion so strongly. I wanted to cry and I couldn't, I wanted to scream and I couldn't, I wanted to kill them, but…but I knew they'd kill me first.

"How did you do it? How did you go on with all that pain?"

Gentle fingers brushed the blond locks from around Quatre's temple. "Sometimes I don't think I did. I dream about it all the time and it's like I'm locked in and I can't get out. Even being here hasn't helped, and since our placements, it's like I can't escape." Then Trowa stiffened and Quatre pulled back from the warm embrace to look up at his friend.

"A few days before our placement, that day I was late to meet you and the others in the camp, Ralph and I were cleaning the dishes from lunch. I, I dropped one of the dishes and it broke. The strange thing was, I wasn't scared. I knew Ralph wouldn't yell at me, I knew he'd just come over to make sure I was all right and then help me clean up the mess. I even knew that if I'd cut myself, he wouldn't think twice about the viruses running through my body, he'd have just cleaned me up and moved on without even thinking about himself.

"I panicked." Trowa grew quiet for a moment before continuing. "Ralph is the first decent person I've ever met, the first guy to actually care about me and try to protect me. It scares me…a lot. So when he came over to check on me, I backed away from him. You should have seen his face, Quatre. He was hurt, actually hurt that I'd backed away from him. And the damnedest thing happened, I walked back to him and…I sat down next to him, and just leaned against his shoulder." Trowa shook his head at the memory. "And it felt good, it felt warm and safe and good. I…I snuggled against him and…I cried. I can't remember the last time I've cried. I learned a long time ago it didn't help."

Moved by Trowa's words, Quatre's hand came up to brush the bangs that had fallen into Trowa's eyes, and he smiled when Trowa nuzzled that hand unconsciously. "Why did you cry, Trowa?"

"I don't know. It just happened all of a sudden, and once it started I couldn't make it stop. I tried, but no matter how hard I tried, the tears just kept coming, and Ralph, he was so kind to me, Quatre. He held me and rocked me a little, and didn't ask me what was wrong, it was like he knew, like he understood I just needed it to be silent."

For a moment there was silence in the bedroom. Trowa's fingers continued to work through Quatre's hair, while Quatre's fingers idly traced the edge of Trowa's flight jacket zipper.

Then Trowa continued.

"When I stopped crying, I was so tired. It was like I couldn't move, but Ralph, it was like he could read my mind. He's so strong, Quatre. He brushed the tears from my face and pushed back my bangs, and then lifted me up and took me back to the sleeping rolls." Trowa hesitated here, glancing first at Quatre before deciding to continue.

"Nothing like it has ever happened to me. He was so gentle. He kept running his fingers through my hair, and it felt so good, so comfortable. I didn't want him to stop, and at the same time I wanted him to go away so the confusion would stop. But he did something then. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. That was the first kiss I'd ever gotten that didn't hurt…or, or worse. And Ralph just sat with me and I knew he was watching me trying to figure out what to do.

"I wanted to tell him how he was making me feel, I wanted to but I didn't know how. There weren't any words, no way to explain it to him. I don't know what came over me then, but I sat up, and…and I just, just--"

"Kissed him."

Eyes wide, Trowa pulled back to look at Quatre. "How did you know?"

He shrugged. "You wanted to show him how you felt but didn't have the words, which means you'd show him in actions. Was it a good kiss?" His explanation was full of self-confidence, his question was not.

For a long time Trowa said and did nothing but stare at him with those stunned eyes. When he finally spoke, Quatre knew he'd collected his thoughts.

"It was the most perfect thing I've ever felt. It was better than the kiss you told me about with Abdule, but it was different. This one lasted longer, and it felt…deeper than the one you described. I knew Ralph wasn't sharing me with anyone else, and…that made it warmer somehow.

"I didn't want it to end, so when he pulled away, I, I reached for him. It's the first time I've ever wanted to kiss someone. I, I can't really explain it."

"No, I understand. I can feel how you felt about it, and even if I've never experienced it before, I know how much it meant to you." And he did. Through his empathy, Quatre could feel the shear joy Ralph's wanted touch had brought Trowa, along with the terror he'd felt at needing such a thing. "Is that why you want to leave, Trowa, because of that kiss?"

Trowa shook his head. "I wanted it to last, and when it was over, I wanted it to happen again. Ralph is strong, Quatre, stronger than the men I traveled with, and he tells me every day that I don't have to be afraid of him, and I'm starting to believe him. I don't think Ralph would hurt me, I really don't think he'd ever…force himself on me. I want to believe that, but I can't take the risk, not for myself, and not for you."

Trowa shifted then and tugged Quatre around to face him. "I don't know if it's dangerous here or not, but we can't take that chance. I've packed enough for the both of us and I have a plan on how to get us out of here. We have to leave tonight and it won't be easy, but I'll take care of you, Quatre, I'll make sure that we both make it, either to a colony or Earth."

The light in Trowa's eyes was bright as he stared intently at him. There was no doubt in Trowa's mind that this was the right course of action. He couldn't protect them here, but somewhere else, away from these new unknown feelings, Trowa stood a chance to care for them both.

Tipping his head slightly, Quatre leaned against Trowa's shoulder and breathed in the contentment he felt. "It'd be so easy to leave, Trowa. I've never even seen the world. I was too young to remember it before the gene was discovered. By the time I was old enough to remember, I was locked up or on the satellite. Seeing the world with you, free of worries, I'd give almost anything to do that. But Trowa, I'm not ready yet, and I don't think you are either." Trowa just stared at him. "I mean, neither one of us is well--"

"I brought the medicine Wufei was giving us. I've been paying attention and I know how much we both need." Trowa interrupted.

"Trowa, it's not just that. We'd be all alone--"

Completely out of character, Trowa almost jumped to answer that objection. "We'd have each other, Quatre. I'd protect you, no one would ever touch you, never!"

"That's not what I mean, I know you wouldn't let anyone hurt us. I trust you with my life, Trowa. But there's so much left here to learn, to experience. Ralph," and Trowa pulled back as if struck. "Trowa, Ralph cares about you, just like Rashid cares about me. I don't know how it's going to work. With Rashid and Abdule, I sometimes feel like all three of us are in competition against one another for the others attention; and I know that your feelings for Ralph make you nervous. But maybe it's good to feel like that, maybe that's how you know it's something worth fighting for." As Trowa looked up, Quatre captured his eyes.

"I know it scares you, it scares me too. I don't know why Rashid and the others keep going to all those meetings about our placements, or why Master Habsaba won't listen to us when we tell him we're not cut out to be the future Leader or General of the Maguanacs, but there's a reason Trowa, even if we can't figure it out on our own. I, I think we need to stick it out; need to give it more time. Duo said that no one's ever been given three placements before, but, but I'd rather have those placements than leave. I like Rashid and Abdule, they, they're family to me. You, Duo, Heero, Wufei, you all mean so much to me. I never thought anyone would feel this way to me. And I know you care about me back, and that…it scares me sometimes, but it's a good fear, Trowa--this kind of fear, I'm willing to try to overcome."

For a moment, Trowa looked as if he was going to protest, find another reason why they had to leave and start over, but oddly, that half crazed glimmer in his eyes slowly dimmed and went out. He seemed calmer when he finally spoke.

"What if I can't? What if I give it my best and I still can't do it? When Ralph touches me, I feel happy, Quatre, and I think…I think I might someday want him to…to do more than just kiss me. But I swore I'd never let anyone do that to me again. I don't know if I can do this, Quatre, I just don't think I can."

A pained smile came to Quatre's face then as he tipped Trowa's head from his chest. "Trowa, maybe the question we should be asking ourselves isn't, can we do it, but, do we want to try? Maybe this time, the return is worth the risks, even if they are life and death ones."

Eyes wide, Trowa looked fairly stunned. To Quatre, the dilemma was suddenly much simpler. He wanted things to go well, he wanted the feelings Trowa had felt with his first good kiss. That didn't mean he wasn't scared, it didn't mean the nightmares and the doubts wouldn't come, but he could handle them. He'd been through worse, maybe the worst life could offer, just as Trowa had; maybe Aisha's chapter was right, maybe the suffering of their pasts' were over, and this was their just rewards.

"I don't want to go with you, Trowa, I want to stay here. But, but if you still want to go, I won't let you leave without me. We'll go together, and we'll make it together, but…I want to stay here. I like it here."

Trowa was about to say something when the door slid open and Abdule came barreling through followed by Rashid and Ralph. At the sight of the intruders, both Recruits stood, Trowa stepping just slightly in front of Quatre.

Ralph took one long look at Trowa, and the Recruits watched as the tears gathered to cast a watery sheen to his eyes. "Trowa, I know you're upset and scared, but we can talk about this. Running away isn't the answer. No one wants to hurt you, least of all me. I know the time after your placement has been hard on you, but we can get through it together.

"I also know that," Ralph looked at the others in the room, debating whether or not to continue. "I know that the kiss we shared upset you. We moved too fast and--"

Bravely, Trowa interrupted. "It wasn't," he paused when the occupants all stared at him, and Quatre moved his hand up to press gently into his lower spine. "It wasn't the kiss," he continued. "I, I," he turned back around to look at Quatre who offered him an encouraging nod. Ducking his head, Trowa turned away as he offered his confession. "I liked it. I didn't want to--I still don't--but…I, I think I want it to happen again. Later!" Panic entered Trowa's voice, and like a scared colt he backed away, pushing Quatre's lighter frame against the wall in his retreat. "Not now, not for a long time…or later…maybe never, but it wasn't, I mean, I didn't…" He broke off, confused and worried that he'd said too much.

But like all great Teachers, Ralph understood. "I knew you'd been spooked, Trowa. I was a little surprised when you did kiss me, but I thought it was nice. I knew it scared you, but I didn't know it had scared you this much. I wish you'd told me, or even one of the others. We could have figured this all out together, Trowa, before you had to hurt so much to try and leave. But now we know, and we'll figure it all out together, if you'll try and trust me." And to prove his point, Ralph extended his hand to his Recruit, offering Trowa a way to accept the help he both wanted and detested.

In the end, it was Quatre's words that decided it all, and as he spoke, the others turned to him, and Trowa's eyes became gentle at the sound of his voice. "Thank you for coming for me, Trowa. It means more than you know that you'd try and protect me. No one has ever tried to do that for me before, you're the very first, and I won't ever forget it. But we have lives to live here, and, and I want to try and live them." He caught Trowa's eyes then, holding them solidly. "Don't you, Trowa?"

Ten minutes later, Trowa and Ralph had left to return to their tent to talk, leaving with Trowa tucked safely under Ralph's arm, and just slightly leaning into his gigantic frame. Abdule was sent back to the camps to call off the searches, and Rashid was very carefully drying Quatre's hair after his shower.

Under the gentle ministrations of the towel through his hair, Quatre looked up at Rashid, occasionally closing his eyes to avoid the coarse material of his hair and the towel. Rashid's skin was flushed from the heat of the bathroom, and his arms and torso were tracked with scabs and welts Quatre knew he'd caused. Just inches from his bare chest, Quatre tried in vain not to bump against the massive expanse as Rashid massaged the moisture from his locks.

They were silent for a long time, long enough for Quatre to dress and move into the bedroom while Rashid obtained a hairbrush and sat behind him on the bed. But the nagging feelings inside of him forced him to turn and look hard into the eyes of his Teacher.

For a long time Quatre continued his quiet inquiry, until after a fashion, he found what he was searching for. Moving slowly, conscious of his every move, Quatre shifted his whole body forward, and gently rested his head against Rashid's chest. When those strong warm arms came up around him, Quatre closed his eyes and began.

"I dreamed I was Trowa. I felt everything he felt. He'd helped kill a village full of people, but the guilt was driving him insane. I experienced the drugs Trowa took to get away from the guilt, and I was there when they wore off the moment those bastards found him." He paused, lifting his hands up and digging his fingers into Rashid's back. "They raped him, Rashid, and it was a thousand times more awful than the reprogrammer ever told me it would be. There was so much…so much pain, and I couldn't escape, couldn't get away. But Trowa didn't even fight, Rashid, he just accepted it, even when the pain…when it hurt so bad that he just turned his mind off. He knew he couldn't win, so he let it happen.

"I…I asked him if it always felt like that, if sex always hurt so badly." He paused gathering his thoughts. "Trowa said it did, Rashid, he said it always hurts like that. But, but if it does, if it's so painful, why would anyone do it, why? Why do you and Abdule, Treize and Zechs, why; I don't understand?"

He was embarrassed and scared, and pulled himself even more tightly against his Teacher's bare chest to hide from those eyes that would expose him. He knew he was missing something, what it was he wasn't sure, but he knew Rashid would tell him.

Strong arms shifting to Quatre's seat and pulling him into Rashid's lap; from there they returned to Quatre's back, rubbing soothing circles into the flesh. His voice was sure, but soft as he corrected the misconception so brutally forced upon his Recruit.

"You must try to understand, Quatre, what was done to Trowa was a horrible act of violence. The men that hurt him cared nothing for his comfort or his pleasure, seeking only to fulfill their own needs. It is never like that with people that love you. There are ways to eliminate the pain, steps that should have been taken to ensure Trowa's care. He answered you the best he could, for him there is no other way, but I promise you, Quatre, when the time comes, I will show you that it is not a thing to be feared, but an experience to reap vast amounts of love, joy, and pleasure from."

Brow furrowed, Quatre leaned back, once again studying Rashid's face. What he saw brought a light dusting of pink to his cheeks, and Quatre shifted his eyes once again. "I know Aisha's chapter says that…that you'll be the one to…initiate me. But…it frightens me. All I know is that it's horrible, Rashid; from the reprogrammer, and from Trowa. Sometimes I don't even believe that you won't send me back to my father if I do something wrong, no matter how many times you tell me. How will I ever…I mean, what if I can't ever trust you enough to…Rashid, what if I'm never even as brave as Trowa, what if I can't even kiss you!" Desperation entered Quatre's voice, and his eyes flooded with the tears of frustration he'd been holding back in Trowa's presence.

Disgusted with himself, he violently swiped at the offensive tears, determined not to show so much weakness.

But Rashid's grip was gentle when he caught Quatre's wrists. His thick thumbs glided lightly across the backs of Quatre's hands while Rashid nuzzled his temple, brushing a light kiss there.

"When it is time to happen, Quatre, it will happen. I feel no need to rush it and neither should you. Allah will guide our actions, you just need to trust in him."

Quatre shook his head, the tears burning the back of his throat. "But Rashid, what if it never happens. What if--"

"Quatre, there is no need to worry so. Time will show you--"

"What if I don't have the time!" Stunned by his words, Quatre reeled back at his own statement, startled and fearful that his words might prove prophetic.

Rashid felt the same way. His hands moved to grip Quatre's arms tightly. "Why would you say that, Quatre? What would make you say such a thing?"

A thousand answers flashed through Quatre's mind. A million reasons why his words might prove truer than he'd ever feared. But in the end, the mysterious reasons were enough to make up his mind.

Shifting on his knees, Quatre rose up, bringing his hands up to brush against Rashid's cheek.

"Quatre?"

But Quatre just shook his head. Now wasn't time to talk, it was time for action. His eyes searched Rashid's once again. He needed to find something, that one thing that would settle the butterflies in his stomach and the emptiness he feared would takeover his life. Trowa had found a part of it, but he was still stumbling; Quatre on the other hand, still hadn't reached for it.

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he did so. He wanted to be warm, to feel the way Trowa had felt, and in the absence of that safe feeling he always felt when with his friend, he found the need to find the warmth in Rashid.

He could do this, he wanted too.

Shifting forward, he angled his mouth to slant across Rashid's just as he'd seen countless times on the vid.

But at the last moment, Rashid pulled back, moving dramatically to the left and cuddling Quatre against his chest.

For a moment he struggled, trying in vain to escape from his Teacher's powerful grip, but the struggle was short lived and soon Quatre just allowed himself to be held. And surprisingly, the warmth he'd wanted so badly was there. Wrapped in his Teacher's arms, comfortable in a touch that he absolutely wanted to be in, Quatre felt all the emotions he'd felt from Trowa's memories of that first good kiss.

And then it dawned on him. He didn't need to rush a kiss, or force a sexual encounter, Rashid was showing him that what he needed came in small increments, and the warmth was just as soothing.

After a while, Rashid's soft voice drifted down to him. "Feeling better?"

Quatre nodded but remained silent. Breathing deeply, Quatre relaxed completely, snuggling against Rashid. With a comforting squeeze from his Teacher, Quatre allowed the exhaustion to overtake him, as he basked in the needed embrace of his Teacher.

For the first time in his life, both Quatre's body and his mind were warm.

When Abdule returned from the camps the two tucked the young man into bed and for the rest of the night, the two watched over Quatre. Sometimes touching his hair, other times, just allowing themselves to be close to him while looking at each other with the knowledge that they had weathered one more storm, together.