Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me.

Warnings: shounen ai, language in later parts, Relena bashing? (I'm not trying to, but some people will hate her anyway.)

Author's Notes: Well, finals week is here, and we all know what that means. It means the muse will be unusually active, which can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it...

Courtship Rituals

By Rapunzel

Chapter 5: The Quickest Way to the Heart

Heero grimaced as he hung up the phone. His interview with Relena had not gone as well as he might have liked. He had done as Duo suggested and prostrated himself before her (verbally, not literally, of course), but he wasn't sure she had forgiven him yet. Still, he thought he had made some progress. At least she hadn't been berating him quite as loudly at the end of the conversation as she had in the beginning.

Miniscule progress or not, his day was not going the way he would have liked. Wufei, being his partner, had been the first to notice the handprint on his face and inquire after its origin. Heero had foolishly told him the whole story, figuring that at least Wufei would have the decency not to laugh at him. Afterwards, he almost wished that Wufei had laughed. It might have been easier to take than the lecture that had followed. He'd tuned out most of it, but he knew the basic premise that Wufei had been expounding on: Heero was an idiot. Wufei had made that perfectly clear.

To make matters worse, it seemed that once one person in the office knew about the disaster that was his love life, everyone knew. Wufei had not attempted to keep his voice down while lecturing, and word got around quickly in the organization. Since then, Heero had had to endure cracks about his lack of tack from his male colleagues and advice alternated with scolding from his female colleagues. He wasn't sure which he despised more.

Sally had summed up the attitude of the department towards him when she'd stopped by earlier. "Heero," she'd said, "we always knew that eventually you'd attempt romantic interactions, and that when you did, life would get interesting."

Remembering her words, Heero let out a heartfelt groan as he let his head fall forward to connect with the desk. Calling in sick the next day was starting to seem like a viable option.

/-/-/-/

Heero tossed his coat to the side haphazardly as he took off his shoes. Normally, he would have taken the time to hang the article of clothing up properly, but after returning from the small version of hell that his workplace had become to him, he simply couldn't muster the energy. All he wanted was to flop onto the couch next to Duo and try to pretend that his previous date had never happened.

Unfortunately, it seemed that his plans were to be foiled before he'd even fully formed them. Duo wasn't there. That surprised Heero. He'd had a hard time concentrating at work that day and had gotten less done that he would have liked during the normal work hours, prompting him to stay a little later than usual. He would have expected Duo to be home before him, but there was no sign of his roommate. Heero wandered through the apartment seeking him but to no avail. Discouraged, he flopped down on the couch by himself and waited.

He had been there for perhaps a half an hour when Duo returned. Heero rose from the couch when he heard the other enter, ready to ask him for advice on handling pesky colleagues, but paused on catching sight of the other. Duo looked weary in a way that Heero hadn't seen him look since the war. His face bore signs of fatigue mixed with a look that Heero recognized as the one the former pilot got when he was unhappy about something that he was doing.

Duo looked up at him, seeming surprised to see him there. "Were you waiting for me?" he asked.

Heero nodded.

Duo glanced at his watch and looked apologetic. "Oh, jeez, it was my night to make dinner, huh? Sorry I'm so late; I'll get started on it right away."

"Actually," Heero said eyeing him critically, "I was thinking that it should be your night to order out for Chinese and not bother cooking. You look beat."

Duo gave him a tired smile. "I feel beat. Maybe I'll do that."

"Busy day at work?" Heero ventured tentatively. Duo worked with a salvage business on Earth that was connected to Hilde's business on L2, and his work schedule could be quite variable. Some times he had very few clients and plenty of leisure time, while others made him wish that there were more than 24 hours in a day. Heero wondered if Duo was entering into another one of his busy periods.

But Duo just shrugged. "Not really," he said. "I just had some other stuff I needed to take care of." Heero waited patiently for him to elaborate, but all he said was, "I'll see if I can find the flier for the Chinese food place and you can decide what you want to get."

Heero nodded quietly and let Duo drop the subject. Whatever that "other stuff" that Duo had attended to was, Duo would tell him in due time. Or not, if he so decided. It was up to him. Still, Heero was hoping that Duo would confide in him.

Heero waited until after dinner to bring up his own day at work. Duo listened sympathetically, although Heero suspected that he probably agreed with the office's opinion of him. Duo seemed particularly amused by Sally's comment.

"Life with you is always interesting," he said, smiling, "romantic interactions or no."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Heero asked cautiously.

"A good thing," Duo assured him. "Most of the time anyway."

"What do you think I should do about them?" Heero asked.

Duo shrugged. "There's nothing really you can do except suck it up and put up with it for a little while," he said. "Eventually something else more interesting will come along and they'll forget all about you, but until then, you're stuck."

"Damn," Heero muttered. "I was afraid you'd say that."

Duo looked apologetic. "Sorry, Heero, but I don't know what else to tell you."

Heero sighed. "I hate workplace gossip. I already know that I'm the world's biggest idiot when it comes to emotions; they don't need to remind me all the time."

Duo's lips quirked up into a small smile. "You're not an idiot," he said, sounding faintly amused. "You're just... dense."

Heero snorted. "Thanks," he muttered sarcastically.

"No, really," Duo said. "There's hope for you yet. I mean you knew right away that there was no way I wanted to cook tonight, right? That's saying something."

"If I'd been really on the ball, I would have cooked for you," Heero said gloomily.

Duo shrugged. "That would have been nice, but I had no right to expect it from you. It was my turn, and by the time I got back, it was a little late to really start anything anyway."

"But it would have been nice," Heero repeated.

"Well, yeah. I mean, who doesn't like to have someone else cook for them? You know what they say, the quickest way to the heart is through the stomach. Or maybe they only say that about men..."

Duo rambled on, but Heero had stopped listening. An idea was beginning to take shape in his mind.

/-/-/-/

"Dinner at your place?" Even over the phone, Relena sounded skeptical.

"We've tried going out twice, and it hasn't worked," Heero said. "I was thinking that we could just avoid some of the problems by having you come over here."

There was silence on the other end of the line.

Heero repressed a heavy sigh. He hadn't known quite what reaction to expect, but it hadn't been this. He'd half hoped for excitement and half dreaded scorn, but silence was not what he had anticipated.

"I know I'm not the best cook in the world," he finally ventured hesitantly, "but I'm not that bad."

"Oh no," Relena said hastily, "it's not that. I'm sure you're an excellent cook."

Heero winced internally, but didn't bother to undeceive her on that score.

There was another long pause, then Relena finally said, "Well, I suppose you're right, it might be better if we try to get away from my place. And after all, they do say third time's the charm. I'd be happy to come over for dinner."

Heero felt a brief surge of triumph. "Right then," he said. "I'll see you Friday."

/-/-/-/

Luck, Heero decided, was not on his side when it came to romance.

He had planned everything out carefully, with some help from Duo, of course. His roommate had been a little surprised when Heero had sprung the scheme on him, but had complimented him for taking the initiative and agreed to help in any way possible. Together, they had cleaned up the apartment and picked out a recipe that Duo claimed had enough class for Relena, but was still relatively simply to make. It had seemed like things might just work out like they were supposed to.

Then, about an hour before Relena was due to arrive, Duo had left, claiming that his presence would "ruin the atmosphere." While Heero had to admit that he was probably right, he was still sorry to see the other go. He'd discovered long ago that Duo provided great moral support.

Duo also provided kitchen assistance, something of which Heero was in desperate need at that moment. When he'd looked over the recipe and estimated the time needed to prepare it, he'd failed to take into account the fact that he had never prepared this particular meal before. Consequently, the quiche, which should have gone into the oven fifteen minutes previously, was still sitting on the counter, waiting to have the final ingredients added. At the rate he was going, he'd be lucky to have the damn thing in the oven by the time Relena got there, let alone have dinner on the table.

Swearing under his breath, Heero attacked the eggs he was whisking with renewed vengeance. He would finish dinner on time. He'd show them all that he could do things right. He'd show Duo that all of his teaching hadn't gone to waste.

That thought made him pause briefly. Truth be told, if he thought about it, he had to admit that he was more worried about disappointing Duo than disappointing Relena, which was odd. It should have been the other way around. Then again, he did live with Duo, so any screw-ups on his part would have longer lasting consequences. That, and...

Heero shook himself out of his daze and continued his task. This was getting him nowhere. Relena was due to arrive any minute, and he needed to be ready to greet her. The last thing he needed was another screw-up.

The knock on the door came just as he was pouring the last of the egg mixture into the crust. Hastily, he scraped the final globs of the mixture out of the bowl and into the pan, shoved the pan into the oven, and viciously twisted the knob to turn the oven on, not looking to see how high he had set it. Then, throwing the remaining dishes into the sink on his way out of the kitchen, he dashed to the door.

Relena was waiting on the doorstep looking like she had mixed feeling about being there. She smiled when she saw Heero, however, and stretched out her hands to him. Awkwardly, he took them and ushered her into the apartment. He debated briefly whether or not he should ask her to remove her shoes, as he had instilled that rule upon moving into the apartment. It was one of his few attempts to return to his cultural heritage, but looking down at her heels and sheer stockings, he doubted that she would want to take off her shoes, and he didn't feel like arguing about it.

Instead, he said, "Dinner's going to be a little late."

"Oh well," Relena said, smiling at him as she took a seat on the couch. "That will leave us plenty of time to talk."

/Talk about what?/ Heero wondered, but he didn't voice the thought aloud. After all, Relena was a politician, and if nothing else, he figured she knew how to carry on a conversation fairly well. He sat in the armchair across from her and waited patiently for her to say something.

"So, how has work been going?" Relena asked.

Heero shrugged. It hadn't been going so great; despite Duo's prediction, the office hadn't forgotten about him yet. Still, he could hardly tell Relena about that, since she was indirectly the cause of it.

"That good, huh?" Relena asked wryly.

Heero shrugged again. "How about you?" he asked.

And so, Heero was treated to a half an hour discourse on politics and various political leaders, their views, their quirks, and their various personality flaws. Relena became quite animated as she discussed the people and situations she worked with, throwing in wild hand gestures and even a few voice imitations. Heero sat quietly and listened, occasionally grunting a response at appropriate points.

This state of affairs might have continued for some time, if Relena had not suddenly paused in her narrative and sniffed the air delicately. "Is that...smoke?" she asked hesitantly.

Heero took a deep breath as well and picked up the distinct odor of smoke. As if on cue, the smoke detector went off, filling the apartment with a series of shrill beeps. Heero leaped out of his chair and dashed for the kitchen, cursing luridly under his breath. Relena got up and followed a short distance behind him, looking bewildered and a little alarmed.

When Heero charged into the kitchen, he was immediately enveloped in a thick cloud of smoke that smelled heavily of burnt food. The first thing he did was to navigate his way through the kitchen by memory until he reached the window at the far end. After a bit of fumbling, he managed to get it open. Sticking his head out the window, he took a few gulping breaths of fresh air before turning back to the kitchen and heading over to the oven.

It hadn't taken him long to figure out what must have happened. In his haste to answer the door, he had set the oven too high, and the quiche within was burning. This guess was confirmed when, upon opening the oven, he was once again surrounded by smoke. Coughing and trying rather ineffectively to wave it away, Heero peered into the oven at his creation. The filling of the quiche had evidently boiled over and spattered all over the bottom of the oven, where it had apparently caught fire. Currently, it was still smoldering, filling the kitchen with even more smoke. In the background, the continuous beeping of the smoke alarm told Heero that the smoke had spread to the rest of the apartment too, but he was too preoccupied to care. He was tying to figure out if there was any hope at all of salvaging dinner.

A sudden series of coughs from behind him reminded him of why he had been fixing dinner in the first place. Relena had followed him into the kitchen and was now coughing and trying to fan the smoke away from her. "Heero," she choked, "What's going on here?"

Heero tore his eyes away from the sorry remains of the quiche to look at her. She was still coughing violently, and her blue eyes, which were watering a bit from the smoke, were fixed on him with an expression of mingled irritation, confusion, and disappointment.

Heero sighed heavily and wondered if this night could possibly get any worse.

Then he heard the sirens.

/-/-/-/

"Yes," Heero said, nodding emphatically to the fireman. "Yes, I understand. It won't happen again." Internally, he was gritting his teeth and trying to keep his patience. This was the third lecture he had received from the firemen about fire safety in the kitchen, and it was getting a little tiresome. He hadn't actually lit anything on fire, after all. It certainly wasn't his fault that one of his paranoid neighbors in the apartment complex had seen the smoke coming from the kitchen window and decided to call the fire department.

As if the humiliation of having the fire department show up on his doorstep hadn't been enough, Relena had turned against him. At least, that was how Heero saw it. She had begun coughing loudly and claiming that she felt unwell, possibly due to smoke inhalation. Heero, who had been exposed to the smoke for a greater length of time than Relena, and at higher concentrations too, didn't feel much the worse for wear, or at least not because of the smoke. Had he been in a more magnanimous state of mind, he might have considered the fact that Relena was also less used to smoke than he was. Given his current mood, however, he was inclined to put it down to hypochondria, and he was rather irritated with her. Of course, this just made her irritated with him for being irritated with her.

In the end, Relena had put an effective end to their disaster of a date by deciding to go to the hospital, just in case. In a last ditch effort to be courteous, Heero had offered to drive her there, but she had declined, instead choosing to ride in the ambulance which was already present. Heero, who knew full well that she could afford the ambulance ride, let her go without protest. Now all he had to do was get the last of the firemen out of his apartment without being lectured again.

He was so preoccupied with figuring out how to do just that that he almost didn't hear his name being called the first time. When he turned around, however, he saw Duo coming barreling towards him. Before he had time to react, his roommate had flung himself on him, arms wrapping around his shoulders and clutching him tightly.

"Heero!" Duo cried. "Are you all right? What happened?"

"I'm fine," Heero replied, more than a little surprised by this reception.

Duo loosened his grasp a bit, stepping back to survey Heero critically, but not releasing his shoulders. "Thank God," he breathed, sounding immensely relieved. "I saw the fire trucks and the ambulance, and I got worried. What happened?"

As briefly as he could, Heero explained what had happened. "The ambulance you saw wasn't for me," he concluded. "It was for Relena."

Duo's eyes widened. "Relena? Is she all right?"

Heero snorted. "She's fine, or at least she ought to be. I think she's just overreacting, letting a little thing like this bother her."

Duo frowned. "She might just be serious, you know," he said.

Heero scowled at him. "If you're implying that I should be more concerned for her, forget it. She's fine. She certainly felt well enough to emphatically refuse me when I offered to drive her to the hospital." He paused suddenly and considered the tone in which he had delivered this tirade. "I'm sorry," he said to Duo. "I shouldn't snap at you."

To his surprise, Duo just smiled. "It's okay," he said. "If you're still able to get annoyed with me, you must be feeling okay, and that's what matters, really. I'm just glad you're okay."

His answer made Heero feel just a bit guilty. "I'm sorry I scared you," he said.

"That's all right," Duo answered easily. "It's not like you meant for this to happen, right?"

Heero shook his head emphatically. "I wish this had never happened," he muttered with feeling.

"Tell you what," Duo said. "Why don't we go open all the windows to let the apartment air out, and then I'll take you out to dinner, since I bet you haven't eaten anything yet. We'll worry about cleaning up later. Does that sound good?"

For the first time since the whole fiasco had started, Heero allowed himself a small smile. A dinner spent out with Duo sounded very nice just then. It would allow him to relax and not worry about how much he had screwed up. On an impulse, Heero reached out and abruptly caught his roommate up in a hug. He was so grateful to Duo for being there and being calm and rational about things.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Duo, who had initially tensed, relaxed into the hug and even returned it, pressing himself close to Heero. "Anytime, Heero," he said. "Anytime."

Tbc...

Author's Notes: Many thanks to Blue Jeans, who gave me the idea for the courtship ritual featured in this chapter.

On another note, let me apologize for the horrifically long interlude between updates. I'm afraid that my fandom preferences have been shifting about of late, but I swear I'll try to get this one finished. Part of the next chapter is already written, so hopefully that will make things easier. And for those of you who are hankering after some actual 1x2, be patient, it's coming soon!