AN: Here's the second one. Wind Omega requested this character. For anyone else who might need a hint, I'll just say this person was in the first three Suikodens. So...the time is probably after SIII ends. No spoilers, I don't think. Cookies to the two people who reviewed chapter 8 (rather quickly, to be honest), so here's 9 as promised.

Disclaimer: Of course it's mine! I own it all! Suikoden, it's characters, the state of Hawaii and the planet Mars. And if you believe that you'd best check yourself into a mental institution immediately.

The Color of Resignation

I tell myself, over and over again, that I am resigned.

What I am resigned to seems to vary with the situation, but it always applies. I think I can make a blanket statement and say I am resigned to never being quite satisfied. To never quite having what I want.

Now, that seems like a selfish thing to say, at the very least. But I have tried to keep my wants modest. I have tried to curb my desires. And yet, my wishes, modest as they are, are never quite fulfilled. And so I resign myself to second-best.

That sometimes seems to be the story of my career. I was trained as a strategist, but I am never quite the best. I am never the one to receive the accolades. I am dismissed, ridiculed, relegated to the status of unimportant hanger-on. Especially when that family becomes involved. Then I become invisible and utterly unnecessary.

Occasionally I am thankful for that. The blame is rarely mine alone. Nor do I wish to carry that burden of responsibility. To be responsible for the outcome of an entire war is too much. I'd rather not, thank you very much. But still…it would be nice, sometimes, not to be the extra. Not to be just the student, or just the childhood friend, or just the mentor. Maybe, just once, I want to be myself. Just me, without being someone else's addition.

I have also tried to resign myself to war. I know it's in the job description, so I shouldn't be surprised. But I tend to find myself hip-deep before I realize a war is occurring. After the third gathering of the stars, I really should be resigned. Fate begins to seem all too real, and I should just accept it.

But I don't want to. I don't want to accept what war does to people, what it takes away. It steals homes and dignity and lives. It harms the innocent while the ruthless prosper. I hate it! I know it's necessary at times, but I still detest that necessity.

Is it so wrong of me to want a little peace, a little comfort, a little time to just sit and enjoy my friends and family without having to try to save nations?

Family, ha. That's a laugh. I tried that. That worked real well. That lying, cheating, son of…no, I promised myself I wouldn't go there. No need to dwell on the past.

It just seems like every time I reach out for a meager bit of comfort, it is snatched away. And so I decide I am resigned, while deep inside my heart is shouting for just one thing to go right. Just one thing that doesn't make me want to scream and throw things and curse at the unfairness of it all.

I suppose I am far too old to behave like that. I am a grown woman, and I must react that way. And I do try. It's just hard, sometimes, with the war and the grief and the doubt, to be thankful.

But I am resigned. Or if I'm not, I'm working on it. I will be. Because what other choice is there, but to accept the fate I've been given?