A strong PG-13 for this chapter. Warning, if you are a RenxRuki fan, stay away…
Why do I love torturing Renji so? I really love him as a character, but it's just too easy to use him as the scapegoat in these love stories. Suman ne, Renji-kun…
Review if you like. No flames, please.
AI NO KANSHOKU
Renji & Rukia, Ichigo x Rukia
It was one of those infrequent times when he was on Earth and had some time to himself, his area perfectly secure. During these times, in these dangerous periods when he had absolutely nothing to do, Renji would find himself trying to figure out the intricacies of how humans lived their daily lives.
He had never cared to know before now. To him, his human life and his after-life had been filled with nothing but despair and poverty, and anyway humans were weak beings who needed a constant protection from Hollows that they didn't even realize.
However, his interest in the human race had been revived slightly as of late. And that was all due to one Kuchiki Rukia.
After everything was said and done in Soul Society, Rukia had escaped to Earth again, leaving mass confusion behind. Currently, she was playing the part of a human in some super-gigai that she seemed to pull up from nowhere. And the most disturbing fact was that she chose to do all of this of her own voluntary will.
Soul Society, her friends, her life, her work and her future…Rukia had basically given all of it up the second she had turned her back on her home and escaped with that idiot orange-haired human-turned-shinigami.
Yes, Renji had been willing to help her escape, and had even been floored by the pardon later given to him in spite of his traitorous actions. Yes, she was his best friend. Yes, maybe he liked her a bit more than he should – just a little bit! But that didn't mean he was willing to give it all up for her. She should have just stayed in Soul Society, and then everything would have been perfect again!
So why had Rukia chosen not to, and had chosen human life instead?
Since Renji couldn't figure this question out, he began to watch humans, and how they worked and lived.
Right away, he noticed a few small differences.
Humans took the moment. They were not like shinigami, who had forever handed to them, but humans took their morality and made the most out of the time that was not on their side. He would notice this in decisions of doing something tomorrow with the loss of today, or whether to go here instead of there…these were things that he had considered very rarely before, because in Soul Society, one rule was law. There were no such things as free decisions.
Ah…and that was the other things about humans. They chose. Whether they wanted to skip school or get an education, that was their choice. Whether they wanted to read a book or go to work, that was their choice. Everything was decisions, decisions, decisions…decisions that Renji had hardly ever made for himself after being accepted to shinigami school. Unless you were the biggest fish in the pond, there was no such thing as freedom. The smaller fish did the dirty work.
Not so in the human world. Even the smallest fish had choice.
Maybe this was what appealed to Rukia. Since she had spent so much time in Soul Society, maybe she tired of being told what to do all the time, and had gone to Earth to embrace freedom for a change.
Renji thought over it for a while and decided that it didn't seem like something Rukia would do. However, he had no other explanation, so he stuck with that for now.
Speaking of that particular former shinigami, Renji had promised himself that he'd stop in for a visit at least once. It was nighttime now; she should be at Kurosaki's home. That human school of hers took up all of her day hours so he could never see her then.
"Oh…excuse me."
That was said from a spirit that Renji nearly bumped into while walking down the street, prepared to take to the sky. He hadn't even noticed him until he spoke.
Renji paused. "Yo. What's a spirit like you hanging around this pole for?"
"You can see me?"
"'Course. I'm a spirit too, yanno." Renji glanced over at the normal, boring-looking white pole that the spirit was hovering around. "This pole interesting to you or something? I wouldn't want to be stuck here, so why are you?"
The man chuckled slightly, then sighed. Renji had a feeling he'd have been a good-looking human if he only stopped slumping and pulled the hair out of his eyes. "Oh, that's a long story, my fellow spirit, but you look like you have to be someplace…and I've nowhere to go."
"Well maybe I can change that," Renji said, unsheathing Zabimaru. "You wanna get out of here?"
"It doesn't matter…" the man said. "I don't care where I go anymore."
"Why not? You're dead. Don't you want to pass on? Why're you attached to this pole anyway?"
The man put his hand on the telephone pole and sighed again. "That's the story of my life…a year ago, my fiancée was killed at this pole when she was run over by a car. I can't believe how simple it sounds when I say it…that she was run over by a car. You know, she was the only woman I'd ever loved…" he paused for a long minute, lowering his eyes. "Later on I committed suicide here. I thought it seemed the only symbolic thing to do."
"Why'd you do it?"
"What do you mean, why? When you know this kind of love, a person would do anything to keep it, absolutely anything." The man's eyes were sincere; he had been suffering a lot of anguish from even before his own death. "I'd have done anything to be with her again. But even when I died and found I was stuck to this place, she wasn't here…I don't regret dying, but I wish I could have seen her again, I would have done anything to be with her again…"
Renji regarded this man for a while more, letting him talk himself into silence. Losing a loved one had to hurt, and he should know…Rukia had already left Soul Society, and to him that was the equivalent. Not being able to see the person you loved was indeed pain.
"Hey, look, you," Renji said, hefting Zabimaru over his shoulder, "I'm going to let you go someplace, and over there you won't be stuck to just a pole. You'll be able to move around, and you might be happier. I won't promise that your lady will be there, and I won't make guarantees about the happiness, but…" he stopped, and wondered at his next words, "…when I get back to that place…if I have time…I'll help you find her."
"Really?" Suddenly the man's eyes were bright. "Really, you mean it?"
"Yes, really." Renji grasped his sword. "Now this might tingle, but it won't hurt. Close your eyes."
And he performed konsou on the poor man's soul, allowing him to pass into Soul Society in a gentle wave of white light.
Strangely, promising to help this former human find his lover didn't bother him as it probably would have before. Renji shrugged. Maybe his age was just making him soft.
The black butterfly fluttered by, blending in with the night sky, and he was reminded of how late it was. Sheathing Zabimaru back at his side, Renji leapt off into the sky.
"Why'd you do it?"
"What do you mean, why? When you know this kind of love, a person would do anything to keep it, absolutely anything."
He shook his head in mid-leap. Damn. Sometimes these conversations with souls left little scattered remnants of memories behind in his head, small scraps that were not important and that he tried to forget. Why these particular lines stuck in his head was beyond him. And, as he neared the place Kurosaki Ichigo called home, Renji's encounter with that sad spirit earlier in the night gradually faded.
With Kurosaki's bedroom being closest to the street, Renji just planned on letting himself in through the window like he'd seen Rukia do sometimes. He hopped off the telephone pole, suspended in midair just a few feet from the window…but suddenly he stopped.
Suddenly the blood was pounding in his head and he couldn't breathe.
Suddenly his mouth seemed paper-dry, and all was deathly silent.
Suddenly the world stopped.
All Renji could focus on, suddenly, was the image of Kurosaki Ichigo and Kuchiki Rukia, sitting together on the bed, kissing so keenly and passionately that it was clear neither had any reservations about their relationship.
He wouldn't have been so shocked by just kissing.
But now, the gray jacket Rukia wore during the day was now discarded among rumpled bed sheets, the white shirt underneath unbuttoned and ever so gently being pushed down the smooth, pale curve of her shoulder.
Ichigo's hands were all over her, in places Renji had never even dreamed of daring to touch, disrobing Rukia of her strange human clothing. And she was doing the same to him at an almost equal speed. Both were blushing, Rukia more so, but neither stopped.
Neither stopped for an instant.
Suddenly Renji's legs found movement, as some dim part of his functioning mind told him that if he watched any longer, he would never be able to keep silent. He'd meant to flee, like a guilty criminal from the scene of a crime, but his body instead found refuge to the side of Kurosaki Ichigo's window. Renji pressed himself against the outside wall of the clinic as his eyes focused out, at the full moon sky in front of him.
He couldn't see them, but he could hear them…Rukia's soft voice, whispers, little choked breaths that would escape her lips…Ichigo's heavy breathing…
Renji's head moved from the sky, turning slightly to the side.
When a being is closer to danger, the first instinct is to preserve life and to run away. But there is always the part of the mind that wishes to challenge death, to dance on the edge of a knife's blade, to know and see things that the person knows will hurt them…the spawn of that idiom: curiosity killed the cat.
Renji's head turned the slightest of a fraction to the side, enough to see through the window…
Ichigo's lips were where his hands had once been, tracing a path down Rukia's perfect neck as his hand stroked down one thigh…Rukia tilted her head back, hands on Ichigo's back and the defined muscles of his arms…
"…Ichigo…" she whispered, "Ichigo…"
Renji whipped his head back around to the sky. Hearing the orange-haired shinigami's name was killing him.
She was moaning lightly now, whimpering, most likely at his touch…Ichigo was panting and trying to shush her at the same time, reminding her in breathless whispers that his family was still home and asleep…her voice increased by a decibel, but no louder…
This is a dream, Renji thought to himself. This is a dream this is a dream this is a dream this is only a simple fucking dream! In a second I'm going to wake up and not remember any of this and I'll laugh for being so stupid as to get all worked up over a –
"Ichigo…" Rukia whispered, "…uhn…Ichigo…I love you, Ichigo, I love you…ahhh…!"
For the second time that night, Renji couldn't breathe.
I love you.
The words were pounding in his ears, thicker and hotter and faster than anything else, even his breath, even his blood; and for a second he thought he was hearing an echo, but no, it was only Ichigo, repeating the words…repeating the words…"…love you too…Rukia…"
Renji was going to be sick. He was physically and mentally going to be sick, if the sudden heaving in his stomach was any indication. He had to get away. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. All his faculties had abandoned him.
"Why'd you do it?"
"What do you mean, why? When you know this kind of love, a person would do anything to keep it, absolutely anything."
A bead of sweat fell down the side of his face as his wide, staring eyes continued to present no image to his operative mind . It was a miracle he was still in the air -but suddenly, with a speed that seemed to rival the shunpa of Kuchiki Byakuya himself, Renji thrust himself away from that wall and into the night sky. The cool air touched his skin, and the moon, so large and bright like a pearl, surely was mocking him with all the moonlight flooding the streets, the light that shone through even in the night of an impenetrable darkness…
"Why'd you do it?"
"What do you mean, why? When you know this kind of love, a person would do anything to keep it, absolutely anything."
Renji was in the air before he could even register that he was. He ran away, leaving no trace of self behind, seeming to run straight into the velvet sky. Madness blinded his vision and blocked his rationale.
Why had Rukia chosen a human life?
A human had choices…and she had made hers. The answer was now so intensely obvious that Renji felt like hurting himself at how he'd missed it for so long. How could he have been so stupid…?
Rukia had chosen the human life. He had chosen the shinigami life. She'd given up everything. He'd given up nothing. Her future was most definitely uncertain. His future was most definitely certain. They clashed at all levels.
Because, Renji now realized with agonizing clarity, a human life brought Rukia something much more beloved than any old notions of freedom or learning to take advantage of a single moment, such as only being human will teach you. Because in spite of that, there was no Kurosaki Ichigo in the shinigami life…she'd chosen the very embodiment of freedom.
"Why'd you do it?"
"What do you mean, why? When you know this kind of love, a person would do anything to keep it, absolutely anything."
He kept running, because if he stopped, his mind would drift back to the bedroom of one particular orange-haired shinigami, with crazy determination, with power that could rival that of Soul Society's strongest…who was currently with the only girl he had ever thought to care about. The girl who was willingly in his arms, comforted by him, willing to be kissed and touched and responding–
Renji shook his head. No! No more thoughts like that.
He stopped running suddenly. It was hopeless. No matter how fast he ran, memories were always faster. They stayed with you. They never left. And now he would have the burden of one huge snippet of memory that Renji knew he would never forget.
Dimly, he raised his head to the sky. The moon was too bright, the stars too merry, even though the black of the sky should have swallowed up their light. They're the witness to something unknown; they're the only ones who ever see these things, Renji thought suddenly, amazed by the simply clarity in his thought. They always know something that we don't…
He couldn't change anything that had already come to pass.
His hands moved to unsheathe Zabimaru, knowing that there was no longer a place for him here, not right now…that if he stayed longer, he might do something that he'd definitely regret later. The moon was right in front of him, shining, as Renji opened the doors back to Soul Society, holding Zabimaru steady in front of him even though the sword had never felt heavier. For one last time, he raised his head to the sky.
The moon and stars always know something we don't… he thought.
And suddenly, as the sky mocked him overhead, Renji realized that he did have a choice. With the doors to Soul Society open right in front of him, he realized that he'd always had choices, but had chosen to ignore them. Choosing to go to shinigami school…choosing to fight for Rukia's survival…choosing to run away from tonight instead of facing it completely…he still had a choice, he didn't need to go back to Soul Society just yet…but he was going to. He was choosing to.
He had just never considered them choices before because it just seemed the natural thing to do. That wasn't choice to him, that was destiny. But he realized it now: everything he'd ever done was just the sum of countless choices, experience lending weight to his decision that ultimately decided the direction of the conclusion. Without choice, the world would not be organized and civil; it would be chaos. Having options or alternatives is what kept life interesting. That's what made people make stupid decisions, do something they normally wouldn't, or act completely out of the norm.
Like how Rukia had fallen in love with Kurosaki Ichigo and chosen to be human.
How could he have been so stupid, first with Rukia's humanity, then his thoughts about choice? How could he keep being so fucking stupid…?
The doors were already open. The black butterfly fluttered somewhere above his head, patiently waiting for him to move. Eternity was just a few steps away.
"Why'd you do it?"
"What do you mean, why? When you know this kind of love, a person would do anything to keep it, absolutely anything."
The smile that pulled the corner of his mouth was dull, tired.
Renji still remembered his promise, the one that he made to a defeated spirit this night that already seemed like an eon ago. That one spirit had lost all hope, but he'd given it back.
Once upon a time, he'd given Rukia hope, and she'd done the same to him.
His feet began to walk.
He'd continue to live, continue to hurt, just to know that he was alive…and he'd keep these stupid human expressions on his face, just to know that he was in some marginal way closer to her…and maybe the next time he went to visit, he'd be able to smile. For real.
And maybe he could come to forget that which was already burned into the surface of his subconscious. And maybe he'd curse Ichigo out for being a bastard and enjoy a nice normal fighting bout with Rukia, calling her all the names he'd done before, enjoying as her face would grow stubborn and indignant, and he feeling peaceful and happy as only her presence had ever done for him.
Yes, Renji thought, maybe if he took some time, he'd be able to do that on his next visit.
If only he could stop these tears on his cheeks, now.
owari