Darwin Awards

Cameron scanned the website and giggled as she read. It was early on a summer morning and it was already hot enough to cause her glasses to fog up on the walk from the cool of her air conditioned car through the humidity of the parking garage.

"What's funny?" House startled her from the doorway.

She jumped, "You're early."

"I've been early on a number of occasions, yet with each incident you feel the need to comment." He slung his satchel under the desk and wandered in the direction of the coffee pot. He returned a moment later with his mug. "So what caused the chuckle? Some guy in Nigeria need you to commit bank fraud?"

"No. Some guy in Alabama gave himself CO2 poisoning by transporting 100 pounds of dry ice inside his car." She indicated the site.

"Alabama. The state that defies Darwin's theory. Anything else of interest from the CDC?" He walked over to his freshly sorted mail.

"A kid got Tularemia from a hamster bite." She said, pointing to the screen.

"You'll never convince me that it's a good idea to adopt vermin as pets." He said.

"Hamsters are cute." She said, "I had one when I was kid. Hammie. He liked to roll around the living room in a plastic ball."

She was greeted with a long stare, "Vermin." He sipped his coffee.

"At any rate Cuddy called, she wants us to consult on a guy. He came in with flu-like symptoms and seems to be deteriorating." She got up from his desk and moved towards him.

He caught her momentarily, just to make contact, "It's always flu-like symptoms. I suppose the next thing you'll tell me is that he's had a seizure in the MRI tube."

"It's a living." She said. "Come on, let's go look at him. It's better than sitting around here with nothing to do."

The man in the bed coughed with a deep rumble. "I always get bronchitis. This time I think it's turned into pneumonia." He said, drawing a long, rattling breath.

"Well, that's good enough for me." House said, "He doesn't need a consult, he's already diagnosed himself."

Foreman gave him the hairy eyeball. "How long have you been sick this time?"

"About a month off and on. Some days I feel fine, then the next day I feel horrible. Like today, I've got a killer headache." He coughed again.

Foreman grew concerned. "Headache? When did that happen?" He checked the chart and didn't find a notation.

The patient looked back at him, "I don't know, last night? It feels like my head's going to explode though."

Foreman gently took the patients head and moved it side-to-side, "Does that hurt?"

"No." He coughed again. Then he moved his head so that his chin touched his chest, "Ow!"

Foreman stepped into the group of doctors, House suddenly developed an interest. "Meningitis?"

Foreman ordered the appropriate tests and they walked back into the conference room. House sat at the head of the table. "So the guy has pneumonia and possibly meningitis. What disease does that?" He stood with the marker at his trusty whiteboard writing down the symptoms.

He turned to Cameron, "You took the history, right?"

She opened the folder, "He's a 42 year-old, African-American male recently relocated from Phoenix. He works as a claims adjustor for an insurance company. Non-smoker, no hypertension, no diabetes although there's a family history. No recent travel outside of the country, just a road trip from Phoenix. Who lives in Phoenix?" She said to no one in particular.

"Thanks for the editorial." House commented. "So we've got these symptoms that could be anything, but in fact, it's just one thing."

They kicked it around for a while, ruling out tuberculosis, Churg-Strauss syndrome, PCP pneumonia, Wegener's Granulomatosis, scardiosis, lung cancer and the plague.

House, the infectious disease specialist, took it personally that he couldn't figure it out. "What's endemic to Phoenix? Besides sunburn." He asked Cameron, who typed something into her computer. "Hey, I found something. Coccidioidomycosis."

Foreman whipped his head around, "Valley Fever?"

Cameron looked up, "Yeah. You've seen it?"

"I've heard of it. Some guys I know at got it after the Northridge earthquake in '92. They got to stay home from school for a few weeks." He logged on and found some more information, "It says here that African-American men are five times more likely to develop disseminated coccidioidomycosis, the more severe form of it. Oh, this isn't pleasant, the cure is Amphotericin B."

Chase screwed up his face, "He'd probably rather have the disease."

House sighed, "I feel like we just cheated."

Cameron laughed, "What? You think that we're all walking medical encyclopedias? We have to memorize everything? The good news is that he didn't have a seizure in the MRI tube."

Later at dinner, House seemed moody. "I wonder when the other shoe's going to drop." He said quietly.

Cameron pushed aside the remainder of her dinner, "Other shoe?"

"It seems like for so long that I've had…issues. Now, even work is easy." He swallowed the last of his wine and stared out the window of his dining room.

"Looking for a challenge?" Cameron got up to clear the plates.

"No, leave that. We can do that in a minute. Have you ever felt like something was missing from your life?" He poured the last of the cabernet into his glass and walked over to the sofa.

"At some time or another. What's missing from yours?" She sat next to him.

"Pain." He said simply.

Cameron wore a puzzled look, "Pain? You mean physical pain?"

"Well, that too, but all that angst I used to have seems to be dissipating and there's an uncomfortable void." He sipped his wine. "It's hard to explain."

"You miss your angst?" Cameron tried to hide her amusement.

"Don't laugh. It defines me. I've always been a miserable bastard, but that's because I've got no social skills. Then I was lonely and sad. I was interesting. Women threw themselves at me. Now what do I have? I'm just a guy with a limp. The next thing you know I'll actually smile and adopt kittens. You're a bad influence." He grumped.

"I'm sorry. What if we went out and found some puppies to kick? Would you like that? You wanna kick some puppies?" She cajoled.

He looked at her scornfully. "I didn't realize how much of my day was taken up with misery. I have oodles of spare time now. And where are you? Let me consult the schedule." He held up the invisible timetable. "Oh, it's 4:15 on a Wednesday, it must be the time for the prom committee."

Now she laughed in earnest, "So what are you saying?"

"Come on. Move in. It'll be fun. We'll have slumber parties every night. We can read comics under the blankets with a flashlight. My Mom will never know." He pulled her close to him. "I'll make it worth your while."

"That sounds promising, but vague." She said, "Does that mean that you're ready for…"

"Go ahead say it. We're going to do it." He said, he saw that look on her face; the disapproving and resigned look. "I'll get us a room at the Plaza. Strawberries, champagne, chocolate, whipped cream, rose petals. Whatever you want."

"I get a discount if we go to The Ritz." She said simply, "but it's easier if we just stay home."

"I wanted an excuse to see Spam-A-Lot, but hey, home works for me too. I can buy new sheets, scented candles and special bath salts." He offered.

She moved close to him and lifted herself so that she straddled his lap, "Screw that, none of it matters. All you're doing is setting yourself up for performance anxiety. I don't need that." She closed her eyes and kissed him. "How about now?"

He looked at her, shocked, "as in right now?"

"Right now." She pulled off her T-shirt.

"Right now, right now?" He tried to shift his weight, but found that she had him pinned down.

"You probably have underwear on the floor, the sheets are a total mess and the only soap you have in your shower is Irish Spring. I don't care. You are the sexiest man I know and all I need is you." She pressed her bare skin against his cotton shirt. "There's something creepy about The Ramones looking at my rack. Why don't you lose that?" She helped him pull it off over his head. It messed up his hair.

He stared at her. Her long hair covered her upper body in just the right places. Her smile was sweet and tempting, her eyes shone with love, laughter and lust, all the best 'L' words. "Damn." He cursed.

"What? What's wrong?" She stopped kissing his throat.

"I can't stand up and carry you into the bedroom. That would have been so cool." He said, disappointed.

"Oh well, I can't carry you either. That's okay, some guys can't get it up. That's not a problem you appear to be having. Let's count our blessings." She stood up and held out her hand. He allowed himself to be helped to his feet. He pulled her tight to him and kissed the top of her head. She felt a bolt of electricity go from the crown of her head through her body down to the floor. "Wow." She said in a whisper. It wasn't the last time she said it that night.

House stood at the stove scrambling eggs the next morning. She drank his strong coffee and buttered an english muffin. She found herself embarrassed. She had been a bit wanton the night before.

He walked over and scraped an enormous spoonful onto her plate. "You need to keep up your strength."

She blushed and ate a forkful. "Mmm. These are good. Chives?"

He nodded. "So? Are you moving in?"

"Because of the chives? Or the other?" Cameron found herself being deliberately obtuse. It was fun.

"Oh the chives. That's how I've bagged all my women." He handed her the peppermill.

Cameron chewed thoughtfully and finished her orange juice. "It's now or never, isn't it?"

"Don't be ridiculous, it's now, or next month, or next year. I'd just rather it be now. I'm known for my impatience though." He spooned preserves onto his muffin.

"You still want me here, even after last night?"

"What a weird thing to say. I want you here especially after last night." He threw a grape at her.

"I thought you'd like some time to digest it all. Are you sure that you want me around all the time?" Cameron lowered her eyes.

"Yes." He tossed his fork down in exasperation. "I want you around all the time. At least you won't say that I make you lonely. You might say that you feel crowded or stifled or suffocated. That's an entirely different problem, and one we can negotiate if it crops up. But right now it makes the most sense for you to be here with me."

She tilted her head and looked at him, "You aren't like other men, are you House?"

"Duh." He said simply, taking a vicious bite of his muffin.

"I'll tell you what. I'll give notice at my place. Is that soon enough?" She threw the grape back at him.

He deflected it with his fork. "Thirty or sixty day?" He asked.

"Thirty." She confirmed.

"It'll have to do." He agreed.

"You know what's totally unfair?"

"What?"

"You won't even be able to help me with the boxes."

"I'll get Foreman, Chase and Wilson to lend a hand. I'll stand by and direct. I'll even clean out a closet for you. What could be more fair than that?"

She looked around. His place was austere, "My stuff will never fit in here."

"I'll move some things into the basement. What else?" He stood and went to stack the dishes into the dishwasher.

"That's it. Oh, I want the option to get a new duvet. Yours is ugly."

"Fine. Get a new duvet. Just don't expect me to go with you to pick it out. And nothing girly. What else?"

"How are we splitting the expenses?" She gathered up her things.

"Do I need to get a lawyer?"

She looked at her watch, "I've got to go now if I'm changing before work." She glanced down at his Pink Floyd T-Shirt, "Somehow showing up in this seems like a very bad idea." She gave him a peck on the cheek.

"We'll work it all out. Don't do a spreadsheet!" He called after her.