When Kathryn awoke on that particular day, she lay in the bed for a little while longer. The routine that she had adapted since taking up the position of nurse was a simple one. Chakotay got up at 07:00 hours every morning and she got up one hour before him, to get things ready for what they were going to do that day and to prepare to greet those who were going to be visiting them.
A number of people who were on Voyager with them and were within the solar system came to visit and Kathryn was warmed to see so many people go out of their way to meet Chakotay one last time. The ex-Maquis who were stranded on her ship with them came as a group bringing their families knowing how much that would mean to Chakotay. It did. Sometimes people came in departments. Stella Cartography one day, Engineering another. For a man who was dying, it seemed to Kathryn that Chakotay had finally began living. She was finally beginning to see a glimpse of the man who had set off with her twenty four years ago. The man who had been by her side for the first ten years.
Some days, it seemed like Chakotay was fine, he had the energy to deal with everyone. Other days, towards the end of the day, she could see he was tiring a lot more than usual and she would have to medicate him twice a day instead of just once and he would need to get about 12hrs of rest afterwards. It was hard on those days to be in the house constantly surrounded by memories of his life, because they remaindered her of her life on Voyager. Little things that she had given him for the first ten years were still strewn about the house. Seven's belongings were also there and whenever she recognized them, it gave her pause and her heart ached anew with loss. She had put all of her mementoes in storage, so she was unaccustomed to seeing these things about, and the feelings that came with recognition. When he was awake, they were busy gardening, doing things together, taking walks, so she didn't have time to see all the knick knacks about. But when he was resting and she was restless, she had all the time in the world to examine the reminders that he placed in his house of his former life. Still, she never considered hiring an actual nurse for those times. She was determined to do this as it was an extension of the promise that she had made to him long ago when she was on Voyager.
She knew that the sacrifice that she had made to be with him during his final days touched him deeply. It shouldn't have. It should have been something that he expected instead of something that he was surprised by. But she supposed that she had brought that on herself. Years ago, the young idealistic woman who was Captain Kathryn Janeway would never dream of letting the Bhagerians walk out of negotiations important to the Federation because she wasn't there. Years ago, she would have crawled to the negotiation table on her hands and knees on broken glass if need be just to do her duty. But not anymore. The reminders of the cost of constant adherence to duty were now always before her. Seven, B'Elanna, Chakotay and today she was going to visit the fourth sacrifice that had been made in the family on the altar of duty.
Tuvok.
Today no one was going to be visiting because she had to go to see Tuvok. The Doctor was coming to stay with Chakotay while she was gone and she was glad. She didn't want to miss this appointment and she didn't want some stranger to stay with Chakotay. It had already been two weeks and he was still hanging on with everything he had, fighting the disease tooth and nail. He was waiting on something, she knew him well enough to know that, but on what, she didn't know. In time she knew that she would find out. Chakotay's will power to finish what he started was holding the disease at bay. She had known the strength of that formidable will when he had promised her that he would be with her always. That promise was made in the Delta Quadrant and it flowed from him when one year into their twenty three year journey he promised that they would make it together. And even when it cost him the greatest happiness that he had ever known, he had remained true to what he had promised. And they did it, they had crossed the finish line together.
What neither of them had expected was that towards the end, there would be very little joy in knowing that the destination that they had overcome insurmountable obstacles for the past twenty three years would be reached. That the good times which they began with in the face of all the adversity, would become far and few between as they got closer and closer to their destination. They didn't know that in the end, both the journey and the destination would ring hollow as their family was forever changed with the death of one and the insanity of the other. The rest of the crew were joyful, they had finished the journey that some of them hadn't even started. But what was left of the senior staff was forever scarred by what had happened.
His alarm went off, and Kathryn got up with a start realizing that she had lain in bed lost in her thoughts for about an hour. She also realized that she had been crying silently throughout that whole time.
"It's about time you got out of bed."
"Chakotay!
He was in his chair, groomed and seemed ready to go somewhere. But she noted that she could see this through the divider where as before she couldn't, and the reason for that was because the divider was just simply not there anymore. He must have removed it before she woke up or she would have surely heard it. But that wasn't all. There was something besides his chair.
"What is it?" Kathryn got up and put on her robe and walked towards him.
"I hope you don't mind, but I did some redecorating last night. If you don't like it, just let me know."
"Why did you take the screen down?"
"I wanted to hang this up in my bedroom again." He showed her the picture and Kathryn's heart stopped. She had nearly forgotten that she had made it for him so many years ago.
"You still have that?"
"I had to take it out of the bedroom when Seven and I were still married, she wanted to put something else on that bulkhead. And we couldn't find another place to put it so I stored it. Lucky thing I did too, or else it would have been lost during our time with the Fen Domar."
"How about here?" He indicated the wall right where the divider was.
Kathryn took the picture from him and hung it up. "Perfect" She said agreeing. She got lost in the picture remembering the man that she had patterned it after.
"Come on", he said drawing her back to the present. "You need to get ready or we'll be late. I've already programmed breakfast."
"Late for what? Did you forget that I have to see Tuvok today?"
"You mean we don't you?"
"Chakotay." Kathryn said firmly, "You know that the second attack could happen at anytime and then the……fi….third." Kathryn finished. The word 'final' was just too hard to say. "You should be at home resting and conserving your strength."
"No Kathryn." Chakotay said just as firmly. "I want to see Tuvok before that occurs and to my mind if I'm going to have an attack anywhere, Starfleet medical may just be the best place to have it."
Kathryn looked at him with an inscrutable expression on her face.
"I don't suppose I can talk you out of this?"
"No."
"Where did you learn to be so pig-headed?" Kathryn's eyes twinkled as she spoke.
"Twenty three years wandering around in an unknown quadrant with the best, and some things do tend to rub off."
"I'll hurry and get dressed." Kathryn said as she grabbed her things and headed to the bathroom.
He had been in the back porch ever since they got back. They were silent as they went to the Transport Station and silent on the trip back. It was always a shock when she went to see Tuvok.
Every time she saw what the journey had done to her logical oldest and most steadfast of friends, Kathryn felt a little piece of her harden. Today it was even more painful than most. Tuvok barely recognized Chakotay and didn't understand when Chakotay told him that he was going away and will not be seeing him again. He was calm when Chakotay told him how honored he was to serve with him. But he became agitated when Kathryn tried to leave. They had to sedate him to calm him down. It was almost as if on one level he knew exactly what Chakotay had told him and was reacting to it emotionally.
Kathryn was sitting on her bed staring at a photograph. It had been given to her for her birthday by the entire senior staff during their seventh year lost in the Delta Quadrant. It was the last time that all of original senior staff were together. Neelix was even in the picture. There were tears running down her cheeks and she couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was just the situation that she found herself in right now. Lord knows she hadn't cried before then.
As soon as she had made it back to Earth, she had dived into her work. When she realized that the end of her Delta Quadrant journey had finally occurred and her victory at getting the crew home was ringing hollow, there was nothing left for her to do, but work. She was at wits end, the pursuit of getting home being her primary focus for so many years that having gotten there without the people who meant the most to her, she ensured that she would never have to go through the pain of losing anyone else again.
Captain Janeway may have been a warm individual, full of life and taking risks, but Admiral Janeway was cold, calculating and meticulous. Coming out from the most disorganized away mission ever to be launched, she abhorred messiness and imprecision and demanded excellence, perfection and efficiency from her staff and her co-workers. She was a hard nosed negotiator, precisely because you never knew where you were with her and she seemed to be able to turn her emotions on and off whenever the situation warranted it. What she hadn't done when she came back, was sit down and do exactly what she was doing now. Grieve. Because grieving wasn't controlled, it was messy and while anger, regret and bitterness, kept her in the past punishing herself; grieving meant that she would had to forgive herself, let go and move on. And Kathryn did not think that she deserved that much.
Kathryn had not shed a single tear when she came back. And now one year later, getting ready to face the death of her dearest friend, it seemed that all she could do was cry. And she realized as she looked at the picture that she wasn't crying only for what was happening to Chakotay now, but for what had happened to all of them, to the family that she was looking at in the picture.
She ran her fingers over the face of the woman who had held on to the Captaincy of a starship longer than any other in the history of the Fleet. That woman was so sure of herself…..of who she was becoming. She knew she had the finest crew in the history of the Fleet and with them behind her as her support, she engaged in one risky adventure after another. She was only as strong as the ship and as the crew that she captained.
The fates must have realized the source of her strength because after that, they began to cut down her crew, one by one.
"Kathryn?"
Chakotay was in his chair next facing her from the door to the bedroom.
She was startled as she didn't hear him come in; she was so lost in her memories and her thoughts. She tried to nonchalantly put the picture aside, but she knew that Chakotay had noticed what she was doing.
He held her with his stare and moved the chair closer to the bed. Carefully he lifted himself on her bed and swung his feet so that he was lying on her side behind her. Kathryn didn't say anything, but the tears kept rolling down her cheeks as she looked at him struggling. She didn't offer to help because she knew that it meant a lot to him to be able to do this on his own.
Finally when he had positioned himself so that he was comfortable, he raised the picture and looked at it. He wasn't surprised at the image that was in the frame.
"Looking for someone?" He asked quietly.
Kathryn ran her fingers lightly over the determined Captain's face in the picture.
"I'm looking for the Captain of the Starship Voyager. Sometimes I feel that she's still lost in the Delta Quadrant." Chakotay leaned against the wall behind him and pulled her closer to him. At first she was resistant.
"I'm supposed to be here for you now remember, this is your turn. I'm sorry, I don't know what has come over me right now……I can't seem to stop crying……maybe some tea. Do you want anything?" Kathryn's words were coming out faster and faster as she made a move to get up. Chakotay held on to her arms firmly from behind. She was surprised at his strength when he did so. But then she wasn't the only formidable command officer of the starship Voyager.
"Kathryn, let me be the Admiral and the Captain right now." Kathryn gasped at the memory that came back to her as he said those words.
Finally she leaned back into him and allowed her tears to flow freely down her cheeks. Chakotay waited a little while before he continued.
"No, she's not lost, she's here. But she left pieces of her back in that Quadrant. Just like the man over there." Chakotay pointed to himself. "He left his heart back there." Chakotay's finger came to rest on Seven.
"What about his soul?"
Chakotay opened his mouth to answer and suddenly Kathryn felt him stiffen as a shudder went through him.
His soul has always been here, with that determined woman who is the Captain.
And in that moment he knew.
It had happened again.
With the same person.
Another moment of clarity.
His third and he knew, his last.
His soul had always been hers.
He gave it twenty three years ago and he had never taken it back.
"I've come here in this vision quest to ask for your blessing father." Chakotay said.
"I'm getting married." His father was silent.
"We are of one heart father."
"But you are not of one soul." Kolopec answered sadly.
"In time we will be."
"Why are you looking for something you already have?"
That vision quest, done the day before he got married to Seven confused him until now. Now it was painfully clear what his father meant
He had loved Seven with all of his heart, but his heart was held in his soul and his soul he had not given.
She had never asked for it.
Had she even known that she needed it, he would have realized a lot sooner what he was realizing now.
Kathryn had been with him through every one of those moments of clarity.
In those moments she had touched his soul and she had forever changed who he was
It was only because he had found peace being Kathryn's best friend, that he had known how to love Seven in the way that she needed it.
Loving Seven was not a soul changing activity,
Loving Kathryn was.
And he had loved her.
With everything that he was.
And he still did.
And even though it was too late to do something with it in this life,
He knew what he could leave behind as a gift for her in life without him.
Kathryn turned swiftly to face him. "Chakotay are you all right? Do you need some medication?"
"No, no, just give me a minute. It will pass." His face was shrouded and he was avoiding her eyes. She knew how he got when an episode was coming on, so she turned forward away from him and let him compose himself privately. She used her back to listen to his heart beat return to normal and when she was satisfied that it did, she also relaxed.
"Kathryn, do you know how long it's been since we've talked like this?"
"Over seventeen years ago." Her answer was prompt and she knew that he was stunned by how fast she did the calculation and how right she was. Kathryn turned to face him and this time he was looking up at her.
"You were so in love with her for the three years that you were together. I hardly got any of your time even when you were off duty and then she died so quickly and so quietly. You were never the same after that."
"Neither were you." He charged, tears were running down both their cheeks now.
"It was never the same after that. You and I stop reaching out to embrace anyone else, we were so afraid of being hurt again. We couldn't just abandon Tom, Harry and B'Elanna, but we never let it grow any deeper than it was at the time. We were both too afraid, of losing them. And we were so afraid of losing each other, that we also never nurtured ourselves." Chakotay was stripping her soul bare as he spoke. It was a long time since he had done so.
"When she died in your arms, she took a piece of you with her and also a piece of me. The piece of me that wanted to have a daughter died with her on that day." Kathryn said quietly in response.
"Looking back on it now, I feel as if I had let you down then." Chakotay continued when she had finished.
"What are you talking about?"
"You closed yourself off to the crew and I knew what you were doing and I knew why. I just didn't have the energy to engage you in the ship's heart again because I wasn't doing it. I bet you don't know that you stopped touching people then. No matter what we were going through personally you were always there with a word and a touch before Seven's death. And after, you were there, but the touches stopped coming. You lost a piece of your adventurous spirit too. You stopped exploring all but the most stellar of phenomena and you stopped taking too many risks. You even stopped drinking coffee.
You changed a lot Kathryn during our journey in the beginning. During the sixth year you really began being yourself with the senior officers, but by the tenth, after Seven died, you began to slide back to the way you were when we first began on our journey. Your Command Face was firmly in place, even to me. We stopped having many meals together. We stopped playing velocity, we stopped storming into each others lives like we used to. We never stopped grieving for Seven.
If I had to live the last seventeen years again, I would have done it differently."
"Don't regret Chakotay. I'm doing it for both of us."
"I don't regret. Not while I have a chance to make things right again, even in the eleventh hour."
"I would have never let you slide back to the first year of your captaincy, no matter what was going on with me."
"Why?"
"I look at you now, in the last three weeks and I see the Captain that I made my promises to all those years ago, not the Admiral who finally got us home after twenty-three years of being lost. The laughter, the smiles, the jokes and the tears. The jokes and the tears; the vulnerability most of all. We used to do all of that even when our lives were on the line and wondering which one of us will not be coming home from the away mission. But when we began coming closer to home and the danger stopped being that close, we actually stopped doing this.
Kathryn, you being here with me now like this, crying, laughing, joking, gardening, working, burning dinner…." He got a watery chuckle out of that. "…is the best send off that anyone could have given me. I didn't want to go through this alone, but I never thought that I would have gotten my best friend back in the process. I haven't been gifted like this in a long time. I wish that I didn't have to go. You've been there through every one of my difficult periods except one. I would like to have been there for you like you're being here for me now." He smiled through his tears.
Kathryn guided them down on to the pillows as he said this.
"Promise me Kathryn, that you'd let the Captain come out a little more, don't let the Admiral take over too many times. I don't want you to die alone." Chakotay continued, realizing that it was urgent that he say this to her now.
"I think it's too late for that." Kathryn said and she fell quiet.
"If there's one thing that Seven has taught all of us is that it's never too late to change." And at that he felt her whole frame shake with silent sobs. He held on to her tightly, comforting her with soft words realizing that all the while he was also crying, but he made no move to stop.
They lay there, in each other's arms, the Captain and the Commander of the greatest journey ever taken by a Starfleet Crew and they cried over the pieces of their soul that they had lost in the process. Pieces that were beginning to realize they needed to regain.