Confused

by Ioanne

Pairing: Kara / Lee

Summary: Kara wonders why every move she makes feels like a wrong one until she realises that every move based on denial is bound to fail. Admit it, embrace it and act on it. He's the one.

A/N: Kara's POV, spoilers through seasons 1 & 2, everything that has happened is game. Feedback is lovely, thank you.

Chapter 1: Leaving

I was so confused when I left. I felt angry. And betrayed. But most of all I was sad. Sad because I knew I had lost Lee and deep down I knew I had done it all in purpose. I knew I never should've fallen in love with Lee in the first place but what was I supposed to do? The feeling had hit me so hard and so from behind the corner that I was powerless. First we were friends for a very long time and then suddenly I loved him. Just like that. Or at least it felt like it had happened just like that. Like one minute everything was just normal and the next everything I knew had vanished and life had turned upside down. I had no time to build up any walls to protect me and my love for his brother. I was doomed from the very first moment and that's what destroyed us all.

Zak never knew, or at least I hope from the bottom of my heart that he didn't. Had he lived I would've made my damnest best to make him happy and give him the kind of wife he deserved. It would've killed that part of me that knew what love beyond reason felt like but I could've lived with that loss. Lee never would've let himself feel anything but brotherly love towards his brother's wife so the only one hurting would've been me. And that would've been more than okay to me if that way I could've made sure that both the men I loved more than life were happy.

Life just very seldom goes the way you want it to go. Zak died and all the hell broke lose in the family I had started to consider as my own. Everybody had lost everybody and although I ended up getting the best deal and with the eldest Adama, without Zak or Lee in my life I still felt devastatingly alone.

Until everybody again lost everybody, and this time I mean really EVERYBODY, and I again ended up getting the best deal with getting Lee back to my life. How weird is that anyway, I just ask? This time though I had no idea how to keep my feelings in control when there was actually nothing, except very powerful ghosts and the fact that a pilots life is a cheap commodity in this war, in the way. I tried. Lords, I tried. And failed miserably.

My final undoing was the grief and guilt in Lee's eyes when we lost those pilots in that frakken stupid hangar bay accident. They were my friends but they were Lee's responsibility and he felt it to be so unfair that they had survived the brutal first attack and then the excruciating chase when we could get no sleep for days and then that totally unnecessary and freak accident had to happen. The worst was that he hadn't even had the time to get to know those pilots so he felt that he had failed them in that part too. After what had happened with the Olympic Carrier Lee had been able to keep his emotions mostly in check but that combined with this he felt stricken and overwhelmed and seeing that made me realise that if he ever would start having stronger feelings towards me I would not be able to resist him. When he felt, he felt strongly.

So I fought with him and challenged him to make sure he would never fall in love with me and I watched him very closely for any warning signs. First there had been nothing, even after my miraculous return from certain death, so I felt relief. And also some sorrow because no matter how hard you DON'T want it to happen it's never easy to realise that the object of your affection does not return those same feelings. Resulting from this I started to gradually feel easier around him and eventually we felt easy enough around each other to laugh and kid around, among the fighting. The way we had been before everything had started to fall apart. Before I realised that I felt more at home with Lee than I did with his brother. So now we were laughing again and stupid as I am I let my guard down a notch and it didn't take long for things to get screwed up again.

I started to notice some small things. So small actually that for a long time I thought they were only in my head. Lee looking at me a little bit longer than necessary, standing a little bit too close, timing his visits to the gym so we would be there together and preferably alone. Little things. Oh, the fighting continued but I noticed that he started to like our little confrontations a little too much and when we were kidding around he made the kind of not so innocent insinuations that I had heard him use on the girls he had had some interest on in the academy. I got seriously worried but still I couldn't put a total stop to it. I admit it, I enjoyed it too much. I thought that maybe I could still keep it under control and keep at least this distance between us.

My illusion lasted till the Colonial day. I refused to get alarmed by the way Lee looked at me when he arrived to the ballroom but when we danced and he squeezed me tighter in his arms and I felt myself wanting to just rest my head against his shoulder and stay there forever bodies closely together, I knew I had to do something drastic to keep what was most likely going to happen very soon from happening. I was not ready to betray Zak this way. I had to hurt Lee.

Well, like life, that did not go exactly as planned either and from the repercussions of that idiotic drastic move I made I am now stranded here on Caprica, beaten and bruised, accompanied by a friend I had thought to be dead who is in love with a machine I had thought to be my friend. Again, how weird is that? And so frakken screwed! I'm hating this more by the minute.

TBC…