A/N: Thanks to everyone who left his or her suggestions/pointed out the clichés that escaped my eye. I've tried to incorporate some of your ideas into the following stories. And no, don't give up on this fandom. I have read several excellent stories written by some very competent authors, and I hope that you'll stumble across them, just like I did.
Disclaimer: None of the following characters belong to me. If any of the stories resembles yours in any way, any way at all, then I am truly sorry. Otherwise, have fun!
Artemis Fowl and the Metamorphosis of the MillenniumHolly: OH MY FROND!
Root: (Turns into his usual shade of purple) WHAT the D' Arvit is walking through the doors right now?!
Foaly: Shouldn't you be saying, 'WHO the D'Arvit is-'
Root: Silence, pony! Anyway, as I was saying, -
Foaly: This is biological impossibility! PREPOSTEROUS! (Immediately realises that he is on the brink of being fired, having interrupted a superior)
(Artemis walks in through the doors. How he managed to sneak into the LEP Headquarters is unknown)
Artemis: (Looks meaningfully at Holly) Greetings, my old friends.
Holly: (Puts on a tough act) We're no friends of yours, Mud Boy, or……….whatever you are!
Artemis: But I am a Mud Boy no longer, Captain Short. I am Artemis the Fairy.
Root: ……………
Foaly: …………..
Holly: (Secretly feels happy because the species difference factor has been overcome, meaning that she can officially hook up with Artemis, to the cheers of Arty/Holly shippers)
Artemis: You know why I chose to forsake my humanity, Captain Short. Why I opted to become an elf.
Holly: Why, Artemis? (As if she doesn't know)
(Root and Foaly are now the fifth business/wheel/whatever you call those folks who fade into the background when the two protagonists start to 'take notice' of each other)
Artemis: (Looks at Holly in the eye) For you, Captain Short, eh, Holly.
(Insert nauseatingly mushy scene here where Artemis and Holly are horribly OOC)
Artemis Fowl the Abused: Arty/Holly ship (An example of a 'good' story with a bad sequel)Artemis Fowl rolls up the sleeves of his Dior shirt. A web of scars greets him, and he flinches at the ugliness of it all.
I will never be beautiful. (Melodramatic voice)
Holly Short enters his bedroom (though why she's even there in the first place is unknown). She sees the scars, heals him, and feels so sorry for him that she marries him so that she can go on healing him forever and ever.
On his deathbed, about 80 years later, Artemis confesses that the wounds were self-inflicted.
"Why, Arty, why?" sobs Holly. "Why did you subject yourself to such suffering?"
"So that you'll come for me, Captain Short, eh, Holly," came the reply. And then he died.
Sequel: Artemis Fowl the Abused IIHolly grieves for days. Finally, a solution comes to her like a bolt out of the blue.
She visits a friend of a friend, Mr. Foaf (Friend of a friend), and he gives her a mysterious something to be given to Artemis.
Holly goes to Artemis' grave, digs out his (ahem) remains, sprinkles the mysterious something onto his remains and waits expectantly.
Suddenly, Artemis comes back to life. He looks like he's about twenty-five, and is drop-dead gorgeous. Apparently, the mysterious something is even better than magic, because it appears to be able to turn skeletons and rotting flesh into a fully functioning organism. I say 'organism' because Artemis is no longer a human. He has morphed into an elf. An immortal elf, at that, just like in Tolkien's books.
The first thing he says is, "My beloved Captain Short, eh, Holly." (Cue: "awwwwwwwwww")
And they lived happily ever after, for eternity.
Artemis Fowl and the Reality Show (Also known as Artemis Fowl and the Great Multi-Crossover)
Artemis: So, who're we going to vote for at tonight's Tribal council?
Foaly: Shut up, Mud Boy!
Root: (Throws Foaly a nasty look)
Butler: I say that we vote for Voldemort. His sneaky looks are getting to me.
Artemis: But I have an alliance with him……..oops.
Hermione Granger: (Looks besotted) Professor Lockhart, can I get you a drink?
Foaly: Shut up, Mud Girl!
Root: (Throws Foaly a nasty look)
Juliet Butler: The audience will vote for contestant number ten, which is me, because I'm beautiful and I can SING! I'm better looking than Jasmine!
Harry Potter: Uh……is this Survivor or American Idol?
Aragorn: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, spouse of Arwen, who is the Evenstar-
Mulch: Cut the crap, My Lord. Hey, is this Fear Factor? I say that we do the stunt where you're required to bury yourself in cockroaches, scorpions and other yum yums.
Foaly: Shut up, convict!
Root: (Strangles the centaur) WILL YOU STOP STEALING MY LINES?!
James Bond: (enters with two babes on either arm) I don't care what reality show this is, because I'm on a mission to save the world. Um, is this by any chance America's Next Top Model?
A certain blonde heiress whose name is associated with hotels: No, you idiot! This is 'The Simple Life!'
Artemis: (Sighs) Intelligent people are so hard to come by these days.
Holly: Shut up, Mud Boy.
Artemis: (Cheeks turn pink) Hello there, Captain Short, eh, Holly.
Holly: Yes, Artemis?
(Hereafter, the fic turns into an Arty/Holly feast. You know the drill.)
Artemis Fowl the Insane
Artemis: I am not mad. No, mad I am not. Not mad am I.
Dr. Poe: Mrs. Fowl, I'm afraid that your son only has six months to live.
Artemis: What does that have to do with me being supposedly insane?
Dr. Poe: (Shrugs) How should I know? The author only put that line in because it's one of the most clichéd things a doctor says. It's always 'six months'. Hasn't anyone noticed that? Just ask the author.
Artemis: I shall not talk to the author. It is the author's fault, that I am forced to spew illogical facts, display uncharacteristic behaviour, and to top it off, Holly isn't even in this story.
(Artemis promptly gets whisked away to a mental hospital-cum-farm where the patients are required to shovel steaming, fresh manure because he insulted me. Ahem. I mean, because he's non compos mentis)
Artemis Fowl Crashes Holly Short's Wedding
It was a bright and sunny day. Birds twittered merrily (Figure of speech. Feathered creatures aren't underground dwellers). All was well……….NOT!
The pretze (the People's equivalent of a priest) glanced from Holly to Trouble. "So, does anyone object? No? Good. You, you stupid, ugly Mud Boy," he snapped, jabbing a green finger at Artemis Fowl, "put your hand down!"
Artemis bit his lip and lowered his hand.
"So," continued the pretze in a sour voice, "I take it that nobody is DUMB enough to stop this HAPPY, COMPATIBLE, LOVING couple before me?"
Artemis once again lowered his hand.
Holly Short assumed the role of the indecisive bride. She wanted to marry Trouble, but gut feeling told her that Fowl was the one. Decisions, decisions.
The pretze whipped out a Neutrino 2000 and pointed it meaningfully at Artemis. "Now, I shall continue with the long, boring formalities, seeing that nobody is against this union – PUT YOUR HAND DOWN YOU CONFOUNDED MUD BOY!!"
Artemis, feeling utterly wretched, lowered his hand and stared stonily at Holly.
"Nobody else? NO THE STUPID MUD BOY DOES NOT COUNT! HIS OPINION DOESN'T COUNT!!!! AND – D'ARVIT – PUT YOUR HAND DOWN!!"
Artemis, for the fourth time, lowered his hand.
EPILOGUE
"You may now kiss the bride."
(Insert 'heroic' music here; the sort of track played when a hero rides off into war)
Artemis stood up. He kicked a child out of his way. He trod on an elderly elf's arthritic feet. He gave Chix Verbil, who was best man, a punch in the face, just for the heck of it.
The pretze gaped open-mouthed at Artemis. Disbelief personified.
"Come with me, Captain Short, eh, Holly," said Artemis. When Holly wasn't looking, he killed Trouble, thus eliminating his rival.
He carried her out of wherever the ceremony was taking place, and they rode off into the sunset on a random white steed that, for no apparent reason, was waiting for him outside.
It goes without saying that they lived happily ever after.
A Girl In Artemis' Boarding School
A girl got off the bus. She was wearing a tight-fitting shirt with the words 'Good Charlotte' across it. Oh, and she's also very stunning and spoke a thousand languages including Sanskrit and Gnommish.
In class, every guy was drooling over her. Every guy except Artemis Fowl, that is.
"Hi," said Hollyanderika. "I'm Hollyanderika."
"Hi," said Artemis. "I'm Artemis."
Nobody seemed to care that she was the only girl in St. Bartlebys School for Young Gentlemen, that she wasn't wearing uniform, or that she was the richest girl in the world.
One dark and stormy night, Hollyanderika crept into Artemis' dorm.
"Yo, dude," she whispered. "You're the only guy who doesn't worship me, so I'm gonna tell you a little secret, yo."
Artemis blinked sleepily. "Whassup, babe?"
"I'm the first human LEP. I was assigned to watch over you, Mud Boy."
"The first human LEP?"
"Yeah. And I'm also the first female Recon officer."
"What??!!"
"Yeah. And I'm also Holly Short."
"WHAT???!!!!"
EPILOGUE
And then Artemis Fowl woke up, and it was all a dream.
Artemis Fowl and the Great Body Switch
Artemis Fowl wakes up. Everything seems fine. Except for one thing. One very, very horrible thing.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Butler immediately whips out his Sig Sauer and rushes to Artemis' room. "Is anything wrong, Master Artemis?" he shouts as he pushes the doors open. "Did you wet the bed again-HOLLY COW!"
Artemis, tears streaming down his cheeks, stares bewilderedly at his manservant. "What happened, Butler? What happened?"
Butler stares back, feeling equally befuddled. "I don't know how you got here, Captain Short, but," he says in an icy voice, "you had better tell me what you did to my principal…or face the wrath of my Sig Sauer."
Artemis lets out a wail. "I am Artemis, you imbecile! I am your principal!"
Butler shuts his eyes. Bloody, bloody hell.
Elsewhere, in Holly Short's quarters……..
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Anyway, to give the story a happy ending, Foaly, ever the misunderstood genius that ends up as the not-so-reluctant hero, hands the both of them a nameless potion. After a lot of shrieking, sobbing and snickering (on Root's and Butler's part), they resume their original forms.
The next day…..
"AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
(Insert déjà vu scenario here)
Artemis Fowl's Great Adventure
Artemis Fowl yawns. Ah, he thought, a brand new day, a brand new adventure.
He walks towards his mother and gives her a peck on the cheek. Artemis, feeling extremely energetic, decides to stroll at a speed of 0.7 km/hour instead of his usual 0.07 km/hour (yes, I know it's illogically slow, even by an almost sedentary kid's standards).
He munches on his toast, and reads the newspaper. Later, he accompanies Butler to the latter's monthly check-up. A couple of hours later, he invents a time capsule.
And he does all these without breaking a sweat.
Later that night, Artemis closes his eyes and drifted off to slumber land.
"I'm exhausted," he says to no one in particular.
Hypothermia aka Artemis Fowl Falls In Love
Artemis glanced at the girl beside him. She was, as usual, a quintessential babe, complete with an exotic name (Xeralianna), flawless alabaster complexion, legs that went on forever, and she also possessed the perfect figure.
"Mother says that I am to spend some 'quality' time with you to improve my social skills," said Artemis, and he scowled disgustedly. "How having you as my guest is supposed to have a positive effect on me is beyond me. Asphyxia is more like it."
Xeralianna let out a peal of laughter that reminded him of anything but tinkling bells. In fact the giggles were so horribly annoying that Artemis felt like stuffing his designer handkerchief into her mouth. Either that or he'd have to rip his ears out.
"Oh, Arty," she drawled in a sotto voce that was meant to be heard by him, "you are so funny!" A fog horn-like guffaw followed the blatant lie.
Artemis stared angrily at a stuffed stag in the corner of the room. He hated everyone in the entire universe. Everyone except Holly Short, that is.
Suddenly, he felt an unpleasant tingling sensation on his right arm. The pale boy absent-mindedly brushed off what he presumed to be a spider on his arm. Imagine his horror when Xeralianna emitted a high-pitched shriek.
"Your fingers are so cold, Arty," she gasped, batting her eyelashes at him. "I think that you might have hypithermie."
Artemis blinked at her. Why did Mother force me into the company of such an intellectually challenged person? Curses!
"Excuse me?" he said, lacing his voice with icicles, "hypithermie? What, pray tell, is that? Perhaps you meant 'hypothermia', instead. That is the only plausible replacement for your mispronunciation. And no, Xeralianna, I believe that I am, as you would so typically put it, 'in the pink of health'. A slight dust mite allergy, but I am no hypochondriac, so…..."
Xeralianna blinked. "Yeah," she said hurriedly, "hypothermia. Yeah."
Artemis was ready for that one. "I'm sorry?" he asked sarcastically. "Hypothermia? Excusez moi, but do you detect dangerously irregular heart rhythms? Fall of cardiac output? Slurred speech? Dilated pupils? Confusion? Significantly decreased brain activity? Shivering?"
Xeralianna had no idea what he was talking about, but she recognized the first and last symptom.
"Au contraire, Arty," she simpered, and snuggled into his arm, "that isn't hyperthermite! That's falling in love!"
Artemis passed out.
Artemis Fowl: From An Obsessed Fan's Perspective
Artemis fowl wore a blck jaket, had tattoos over his mussels and a lot of body pie….pierc…..peersings..(A/N: DAMMIT!!!!1 HOW DO U SPELL 'BODY EARINGS'??????!!!!!!!!). HE shouted at a microfon for butler to come, and as he waited 4 jult 2 bring sum water 4 his thirsy thrut, he smoked a cigaret (A/N: HE'S SOOOOOO HOT!!!1111 I LURVE BAD BOYS!!!!1111111 I'M DYING RIGHT NOW BCOZ ARTY IS SOOOO SIXY!!!!11111 I WANNA…OOPS. GOT CARRIED AWAY)
Suddenly an owl came and told Arty (A/N: IM THE ONLY GAL WHOSE ALLOWED 2 CALL HIM ARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111) dat sum1 is comin 2 visit him. Da owl is actyally a flying spying camera (A/N: He's soooooooooo smart!!!!111 all mine!!1 hes all mine!!!!!!!!!11111111) invented by arty himself. As he was 8ing cavar (A/N: DAMMIT! How do u spell 'fish eggs'???) holly short flew in.
How r u asked arty
Im fine said holly
I missed u said arty (A/N:I'M POSITIVELY FEINTING BECOZ HES SO HOTTT!!! ARTEMIS!!! I LUUURRRVVVVVEEEE U!!! ME & ARTY 4EVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111)
I missed u said holly n she looked into his perfect, handsome face, beUTful fiery blue eyes (A/N: Omigosh!!!!!11111 hes so gorgeous!!!!!111 pant pant pant pant)
After dat, arty and me…..ahem….i mean arty and HOLLY made out. Then he aslked me 2 marry him. Er…..i mean, he aslked HOLLY 2 marry him. (A/N; Sorry 4 da mist8s, but hes such a HOTTIE!!!!1111I I cou'ldn resisist!!!!!!!!111111)
Ps: REVIWE NOW!!!!!!11
PSS: REVIEWS NOW!!!!1111 ARTY IS ALL MINE, MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!!11
PSSS: REVIWS, OR I WONT RITE ANOTHER CHAPPIE!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!1 IM EVIL!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111
Artemis Fowl Flunks
He couldn't believe it. It was utterly inconceivable. He, Artemis Fowl II, had failed his very first examination!
Artemis stared at the results sheet with bulging eyes. Beside him, Butler patted his shoulder sympathetically.
"It's all right, Master Artemis," said the manservant. "There is always the alternative, you know."
The huge 'FAILED' glared back at him, taunting him. The fact that it was written in red ink only made things worse.
"I've failed, Butler," he whispered. Tears rushed to his eyes as he stared at the sheet. A lump that rose in his throat was hastily swallowed. "I've failed my very first exam. Butler, what should I do?"
Butler hid a smile. "Well, like I said, there's always the alternative. Now, let's get you home."
Tears were streaming down his cheeks now. Think Angel Falls. "GET ME HOME?!" shrieked Artemis. "HOW?"
Butler glanced uneasily around. "I'll drive you, of course. Now calm down, Artemis, it's only-"
"DON'T SAY THAT IT'S ONLY A TEST! He said that I was the worse candidate he's ever seen! He told me that I should be banned from taking the exam again! He told me that I'm a disaster waiting to happen!"
Butler's mouth formed a grim line. "Should I have a word with him, Artemis?"
But Artemis was too busy ranting to care. "He said that I would never pass! Ever! I thought that I could prove him wrong on the day of the test, but it turned out that I couldn't! I COULDN'T! I'VE FAILED! I HAVE FLUNKED!"
Butler shook his head sadly. As much as he hated to admit it……….
"Artemis, it's just a driving test."
Thanks for reading. Long live original plots and storylines that transcend convention!