A/N: Thanks for the wonderful feedback!

Chapter 2: Contemplating

Anders is easy. There is no emotional baggage between us, no memories or broken trust. No background. I don't know his life and he doesn't know mine. I don't know about his past mistakes and sins and he knows nothing about mine. It feels liberating.

There are brief moments when I indulge myself with a thought that I might actually stay here and fight with these people. And try to forget about Lee. I could do that. I could give the arrow to Helo and send him home to tell everyone that I could be listed as casualty. He's a decent enough pilot even though he's a Raptor ECO, he would find his way to the fleet.

Except that there's that word that I can't ignore.

Home.

Galactica and the people there is my home and I desperately want to feel being home again. Maybe I could begin to think this place as my home at some point if I live long enough. Or then again, most likely not. I have to admit it, I'm a better fighter up there in space than I'm here on the ground. I can do more good there. Still, I'm very tempted to stay. I wouldn't have to see Lee's angry and hurt eyes anymore. Or the Old Man's. I wouldn't have to try to justify my actions to anybody. Eventually they'd forget about me, probably even sooner than later.

Maybe some day Helo would manage to convince them to send rescue teams to the Colonies to find our kind of rebel fighters. And if it happens that I might still be alive at that point it wouldn't make any difference in one way or the other that I hadn't died like Helo had said. Either they would be happy to see me anyway or it wouldn't matter because they had already moved on long ago and created a new and better family unit on Galactica, one that hadn't included me even from the beginning. And I would be having my own family unit right here, included by people who have never known anybody from aboard Galactica. Maybe life on Galactica would be easier all around without all that emotional confusion me and Lee seem to create whenever we are in each others vicinity, which covers mostly all of our waking hours and even some of the non-waking hours called nightmares.

I can't help it, his presence easies up my night-time anxieties because deep down my unconsciousness finds Lee's mere presence most safe and soothing. And I know he feels the same about me, he's just more stubborn to admit it. There have only been a couple of incidents when he has had to admit that no amount of punching the bag could make him re-gain his composure and that's when he needs my presence the most. And only mine, no one else's. Preferably not even another soul nearby when Lee decides that here is a situation he can't deal with on his own again and that he needs Kara to make it better. And I always seem to make it better somehow. Maybe that has been my greatest skill after all, keeping the CAG sane.

Only that I messed things up pretty good to make sure that Lee never wants me near him again and most certainly not when he's feeling most vulnerable. I try not be jealous when I think who his next confidant would be because in war-time situation we all should be watching each others backs and taking care of each other. So who's going to be watching Lee's back without me there? Who is he going to turn to when he just can't handle everything all by himself anymore and he feels like he's drowning?

His father, who will give him advice but not the silent support and understanding by just being there and listening?

Or maybe Dee? She is a good listener and she can give encouragement and good advice but she lacks the spunk to kick his ass back to motion.

Or maybe there is somebody in the fleet that Lee hasn't met yet who will become his other half and give him all that he needs and deserves from a friend or a lover.

No, still, this scenario sounds all kind of wrongs to me. It still feels that it's my job to keep Lee alive and sane and that there is no one else who I could pass it on to. Who I would even want to pass it on to. There is no one else in the universe because I'm the only one there is and always has been. I don't want there to be anybody else. I want it to be me and only me. Still, what if I just say screw Lee and screw his peace of mind, I'll stay right here and try to build up my own new peace of mind which doesn't include Lee. What's the use, he's lost to me anyway. I saw that in his eyes before he turned away after I said I was sorry. I saw he had started to give up on me.

So, Anders is easy. No demands, no promises, no expectations to live up to. He could help me forget. In time he could even make me forget that life on the ground is sometimes dead boring and that there's nothing better than a Viper and open space to clear you head and make you feel alive again. Yeah, right….

I don't know, maybe he reminds me a bit of Zak and in some twisted way this could be my second chance to know how things would've worked out between me and Zak too. I could get to live that kind of relationship again, this time without any Lee-baggage because Lee is gone and won't be coming to visit for holidays. I know Anders is not Zak or not even any kind of replacement for Zak. He's just similar enough so I could find out if our life ever had any kind of chance in the real world. I know to an outsider this all might sound a bit cold-hearted but to me there's a certain kind of logic to it. In this state of confusion though I may find logic in practically every scenario, no matter how frakked up it really is. Then again, I know who could clear this confusion from my head altogether. The one person who got me into this state in the first place.

TBC…