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You've Got MailDear Artemis,
I've a crush on the guy next door. He has cerulean blue eyes, golden hair, and a six-pack. I think that I'm in love. Every night, I look out of my window, hoping to see him looking back. Once, when I saw him perform in the school auditorium, I swear that he's playing for me. I'm failing all my tests because of him. My grades are dropping, but I don't care because he's worth it. I can't get him out of my mind! Boo-hoo! He doesn't notice me!
-Sweetchix69
Dear Sweetchix69,
Firstly, I must say that pleonasm must only be associated with fools. Cerulean defines itself as blue, and there is absolutely no need for you to engage in superfluity of verbiage. You disgust me with your immaturity, and I must say that it is utterly merciless of you to besmirch my imagination with your graphic descriptions. As any agony aunt would say, 'go boil your head and don't even bother to scream'.
Dear Artemis,
You're the genius, aren't you? Cool. Now that I've complimented you, do ya mind tellin' me how to blow up my school without having to fiddle with all those complicated stuff? I want something simple, like, something that's cheap, easy to operate, like, you know. I just push the button, and KAA-BOOOM!! Yeah, like that. I've watched those Terminator flicks with my girl, and I want that kind of effects. The sort that'll blow everyone's socks off. Yeah. Heh. Oh yeah. And any chances that I can get away with this without having the cops banging on my door or something?
-IWILLKILLUMRMATHS
Dear IWILLKILLUMRMATHS,
Ah, finally. I have been waiting, bidding my time in this little sanctuary of mine, counting the days till someone mentions weapons of mass destruction. And I shall share my lore with you. First, you need to have some knowledge on thermodynamics.
---------------Censored due to sensitive content. The author disclaims any cases of schools blown up by cheap, easily operated dynamites---------------------------
Dear Artemis,
Do you like Holly or not? Everyone's dying to know, and already, the both of you are being paired up in various fan fictions. So……are you two an item? Do you feel something for her? Do tell!
-Rita Skeeter wannabe
Dear Rita Skeeter Wannabe,
Yes, I must admit that I feel something more than respect for Captain Short. But she's so high, high above me. So why should I even bother? Poor me.
Dear Holly,
I H8 U. Artemis is MINE.
-nobody
Dear nobody,
Take him, Mud Girl. See if I care.
Dear Holly,
Is it true that you're a Mary Sue?
-Mary Sue Hunter
Dear Mary Sue Hunter,
As far as I'm concerned, Mary Sues have legs that go on forever. What's my height again? Exactly.
Dear Holly,
Do you have something for Artemis? Or is it Trouble? What do you think about interspecies relationships?
-Nelly
Dear Nelly,
Oh, I do have something for him. Oh yes, indeed. I have my fists, my Neutrino 2000 and my wits. Trouble? What's with this pairing, anyway? NOTHING in the book implied that I have the hots for that elf. Nothing. And about interspecies relationships…….Tell me, Nelly, do you mind making out with, say, a lobster? There you have it.
Dear Holly,
If you and Foaly hook up later in the books, what'll your kids look like?
-Salvo32
Dear Salvo32,
I'm suing you for causing grievous damage to my mental health. Expect a call from my lawyer any time now.
Dear Juliet,
Why're you always such a bimbo? (The same goes for Frond)
-Juliet ha8er
Dear Juliet ha8er,
That's only because society tends to stereotype beauties as bimbos. Hmph! But as for you, I'd have to say that your intellect revels that of a dodo. Double hmph!
Dear Foaly,
I don't know, maybe it's just me, but when I think of you, I tend to visualize a certain donkey from those Shrek movies. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.
-Shrekfan
Dear Shrekfan,
Yes, it's just you. Now, if you don't mind, I need to go bother a certain ugly, smelly, bad-tempered superior with my wise-cracking attitude. Toodles!
Dear Butler,
Do you have a love life? I mean, at all?
-interested
Dear interested,
Yes I do, but it's none of your business. Please know, however, that a Butler's priorities lie not in his so-called love life, but the in the love life of his employer. Oops…
Dear Butler,
What? You really have a love life? You've got to be kidding me. Hey, just so that you know, I wasn't talking about love affairs with bullets and knives. I mean, a real love life.
-interested
Dear interested,
I checked the letter, ran it under a few scans, and guess what, interested? Or should I call you, Commander Root?
Dear Artemis,
Please help me. I feel so…….trapped. As though I'm living in denial. My peers look to me as this strong creature, determined and dedicated, but the truth is, I'm just putting on a façade. The whole charade is so rampantly pretentious that I'm positively falling apart. And it's all because of……..him.
-zoe
Dear zoe,
Another victim of split-personality disorder, I presume? And beware, my friend, for you are slowly falling into the 'blinded by love' category.
Dear Artemis,
Yes, I am blinded by love. I know that ours will never work out, and that it's opposed by almost everyone. Heck, I don't even know for sure if he feels the same way. But I think that if there's one guy, just one guy, who'd lay down his life for me and die, I hate to say it; it's hard to say it, but it's probably him.
-zoe
Dear zoe,
Have you been listening to Sting lately? I suspect that you plagiarised his works. And I do not offer advice to petty thieves. Come up with something more original, and I might condone your clichéd lines.
Dear Artemis,
You know what? I think that I'm cured of my infatuation. Thanks to YOU, I now know that he's not pretending to be nonchalant and uncaring; he IS nonchalant and uncaring. Thanks again for curing me.
-zoe
Dear zoe,
You're welcome. I think.
Long live original plots and storylines that transcend convention!