The Harry Potter Show
Disclaimer: The whole Harry Potter world is owned by J.K. Rowling.
If Harry had a talk show similar to America's trashiest talk show...
A/N: This is a one-shot, and it was done in a hurry. So all spelling errors, etc., are mine. And yes, I know I'm sick and twisted!
The Harry Potter Show
The music cues, the houselights go up. The crowd jumps to its feet and chants "HAR-RY! HAR-RY! HAR-RY!" over and over again. After a few moments, Voldermort, the lead security person, walks out on stage and takes his seat in the first row, and the crowd's chant changes to "VOLD! VOLD! VOLD!" The houselights dim slightly, then come back up, as Harry walks out on stage and starts shaking hands with some of the audience members. After a brief applause, the crowd quiets down.
Harry: Thank you! And welcome to our show. Today's guests say they are fed up with their cheating spouses. Meet Severus...Severus, what's going on?"
Snape: (sneering) Hello, Harry. My spouse has been cheating with another man for about three months, and I'm sick of it! I want it to stop! Today!
Harry: How long have you two been together?
Snape: About three years, give or take a deathly interlude. But we've known each other since we were teenagers."
Harry: I see. And how did you find out your spouse was cheating?
Snape: I wasn't sure at first; he likes to wander around the countryside sometimes. But then the wanderings would get longer, more often, and upon return there would be a lot of unusually heavy panting. Then I discovered hairs on his coat, hairs that weren't the same color as mine.
Harry: Ooooohhh, uh-huh. And things just got worse?
Snape: Yes. All sexual interest died away. Our home life has gone to hell."
Harry: Do you know who the other person is?
Snape: (in a very low growl) Not yet.
Harry: Why don't you talk to your spouse first? Heeeeerrree's Sirius! (The audience applauds as Snape stands up. Sirius Black strides on stage, right up to Snape, their faces just inches apart.)
Sirius: (almost yelling) Snape! I am fed up with you and your whiny, clinging attitude!
Snape: (in a high-pitched voice) How dare you! How dare you do this to me! (Snape attacks Black, and they fall to the floor, fighting. Voldermort stands up.)
Voldermort: CRUCIO! (Several red lightning bolts fly into both men, who scream and let go of each other. The men stand up, but keep their distance from each other and Voldermort.)
Harry: Hello, Sirius.
Black: Hello, Harry.
Harry: So it's true, you're cheating on Severus?
Black: (pointing to Snape) Look at him, Harry! He's blah, bland and boring! He never wants to go out! He just wants to stay home, in the dark!
Snape: (to Sirius) How can I even think about going out when you're padfooting all around the countryside? (The men start fighting again, Voldermort does his crucio spell again, all calms down.)
Harry: (to Sirius) Don't you love Severus?
Black: I did once, but not anymore. (To Severus) It's over. (Snape pulls his wand, but Voldermort is faster. Snape's wand flies into the audience, while both men are thrown to either end of the stage.)
Harry: Whew! That was close. Thanks, Voldie. (Voldermort sits down.) Let's meet the other man! Heeeeerrree's Lucius! (Lucius calmly walks on stage and stands next to Sirius, taking his hand. Severus jumps to his feet and points at Lucius.)
Snape: YOU! And to think I gave you comfort when Narcissa was pregnant!
Lucius: (looking like he just ate something sour) Times change, Severus. You are no longer... interesting.
Harry: So, Lucius? You've been fooling around with Sirius?
Lucius: Obviously. (Severus lunges at Lucius. Before Voldermort can even stand up, Lucius has his wand out and pointed at the other man's heart.)
Harry: Aaaaaahhhhh, OK, let's all calm down here. (Snape backs off, and Lucius lowers his wand.)
Harry: So Severus, do you want him back?
Snape: (sneering) After he's been fooling around with THAT?
Harry: (to Sirius) Are you going to leave Severus for Lucius?
Black: If Lucius will have me. (Sirius and Lucius engage in a wet, sloppy kiss. Voldermort, anticipating a reaction from Severus, petrifies him. The crowd goes wild, booing the kissers.)
Harry: We'll be back...
(Harry is taking audience comments)
Man: This comment is for the guy in the black robes. I think you lost something, your bullocks! (The crowd howls with laughter. Severus jumps up.)
Snape: Oh, yeah! Come here, you! I'll show you bullocks! You want some of this? (Voldermort stands up. Snape sits down.)
Another man: I just want my Harry beads. (The crowd roars as the guy twirls his wand, vanishing all his clothes for a moment. Percy, the stage manager, throws the guy some beads.)
Another man: This comment is for the blond. Man, you should be ashamed of yourself! (Go to Minerva! the crowd chants. Go to Minerva!)
Another man: This comment is for the cheating husband. You need a makeover! You're so ugly a werewolf would run from you! (The crowd howls.)
Harry: We'll be back. (HAR-RY! HAR-RY! HAR-RY!)
(Author's note: I'm not gonna write a "closing comment." I think I've done enough grin).