Disclaimer: The characters that you recognize belong to Eoin Colfer.
A/N: I only parody my own stories, so if anything here reminds you of something that you wrote, then I'm terribly sorry.
Artemis Fowl: For Him The Bells Toll
Through a series of unfortunate events/some prophecy says so/his parents' insistence, Artemis Fowl discovers that if he doesn't marry Holly Short to fulfil his destiny within the next two hours, he'll never come into inheritance/he'll die a terrible death/he'll end up marrying a hag a decade later/whatever clichéd fate you can think of.
Loafers: A boy is forced to marry his crush? How original! (He's just thrown in for the sake of reminding everyone that he still exists)
Artemis: HELP!! Captain Short, you've always been my saviour! Please help me out one last time! Will you marry me?
Holly: Why are you doing this to me? I'm only ninety! (Sobs rebelliously, but is actually thinking, "YES!")
Random person: She must be mad. I'll be PARTYING if I'm destined to marry Artemis Fowl!
Anyway, to give this story a plot, a villain is inserted.
Briar Cudgeon's unnamed relative (Who incidentally, is a Dementor): Die, Artemis die! You caused my brother's death! Die!
Artemis: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
(His Patronus assumes the shape of……..Beyonce. Oops. I mean, Holly Short)
Butler: (Feels utterly astonished, not to mentioned insulted, that the Patronus wasn't him)
Holly: (Feels utterly won over) You did that for me? Oh, Artemis…….!
Artemis: Yes, Captain Short. You have always been my protector. (Raises his eyes to meet Holly's. Slowly, for full effect.)
EPILOGUE
Root: ………(yada, blah, mutter, mumble)…you may kiss the bride.
(Insert sizzling, mushy scene here.)
And they lived happily ever after, till the end of their days.
Artemis Fowl and the Magical ArtefactOne day, Artemis Fowl wakes up and decides to steal a magical artefact for no apparent reason at all. Butler is forced to go along with his Principal's plans, although the manservant is arthritic and has a conscience.
They head to a random museum. There, Butler takes out twenty ageing, obese, rheumatic, asthmatic guards with loud rock music blaring in the background.
Artemis struts into the museum.
"Oh, my!" exclaims Artemis. "Here is the Book, sitting on a silk cushion, waiting for me! Marvellous!"
He opens the Book, and, to his disgust, discovers that it's actually about the Ten Ways to Snag a Boy. How absolutely macabre!
But curiosity gets the better of him, and Artemis scans the pages, all the time telling himself that he's only doing it to 'put his excess memory space to use', and not because he's interested in knowing how to Snag A Boy.
1. Always put on the tough act. Do not be afraid to shave your head if the situation demands. (Artemis gulps. Uh-oh. Who has short hair and could take out a Bull Troll?)
2. Violence isn't a crime. Do not be afraid to use your fists. (Artemis' heart races. Holly had punched him before. He blinks, and hurriedly reads the next line.)
3. Get into his parents' good books. Butter them up, save their lives, bribe them – do ANYTHING to get their approval. (Artemis draws a breath in sharply. Holly had saved his father, and gave his mother her sanity back! The jigsaw is slowly showing a picture…)
4. Show reluctance to work with him. Squabble with your superior if necessary.
5. Only be warm and friendly sporadically.
6. Make sure he knows that you think that he is a cold, infernal abomination.
Artemis reads on, and when he finally finishes, his face is very, very pale. Uh-oh. Tough act? Check. Insults? Check. Everything else…check.
But that could only mean one thing…
A slight rustle behind him startles Artemis. He turns around, and an invisible Holly greets him.
"Captain Short," he says aloud, staring at a stuffed toad as he speaks. "I have been expecting you."
Holly unshields, and glares at Artemis. (Rule No.7 propagated glaring at your love interest, as often as possible.). "What are you up to now, Mud Boy? Embarking on another devious, illegal adventure, I see."
Artemis swallows. Holly sure is a rule-abiding elf. "Yes, Holly," says Artemis calmly. "I didn't know that you were one to play by the rules."
(Readers ignore the next paragraph, hoping to find steamy, sizzling, Arty/Holly scenes)
To save her from an embarrassing situation, Artemis, ever the self-sacrificing hero, confesses his love for her. Holly, as usual, puts up a façade of indifference (Rule no. 8), before realising that Rule No. 9 (When he confesses his love for you, stab him with a knife.) is utter gobbledegook. And so is Rule No. 10 (Bury his body in the north-east corner of your garden). She gives in to her feelings and they make out for hours after that, before the eyes of a gecko (The gecko is actually Britney Javelin, who got turned into a reptile because she dumped Jackie Timberpond who is Voldemort's long-lost son…let's just get on with the story).
Elsewhere, Butler knows EXACTLY what is going on inside. He whistles a little tune idiotically and polishes his Sig Sauer.
What If……
Scenario I: What If Artemis Fowl Was Born A Girl?
Female Artemis: Oh, Trouble….Eh, Captain Kelp.
Trouble Kelp: Yes, Mud G……Yes, Artemis?
(You know the drill)
Scenario II: What If Mulch Lost The Disk?
Mulch: Oh, no! I lost the disk!
Artemis: Oh, no! Now I'll never get my memories back, for eternity!
Foaly: Oh, no! Now I can't have long, boring discussions with him in which words from dead languages, Elvish, Gnommish, Dwarwish and Babblish are used!
Holly: Oh, no! Now he'll never remember me! Wait. I mean, well, good!
Foaly: (Glances at the tears gushing from Holly's eyes (read: waterfall)) Emotional creatures, elves.
Artemis Fowl: The Beastmaster
Artemis Fowl is walking along, minding his own business when he hears a low, rumbling growl. His heart doesn't skip a beat.
As cool and composed as could be, the vampiric mastermind carefully turns around………..and comes face to face with a snarling tiger. Still, Artemis does not flinch.
"You're a magnificent beast," he drawls. EVERYONE knows that it always pays to try the psychological approach when confronted by angry tigers that probably don't understand a word of English. "A predator in his prime. You, my friend, are the object of envy of your counterparts."
The tiger bares its teeth. It is hungry. Utterly famished. Ravenous, in fact.
Artemis looks at the beast in its eye. He could sense its lust for blood within the fiery orbs.
The tiger takes a step closer to him. Artemis holds his ground with foolish determination. The tiger comes nearer, and rears up on its hind legs, desiring to turn the slender boy into human steak. Raw, no less.
Artemis detects the feral urges of the tiger. He begins to feel unsafe.
So he walks away from the cage.
Artemis Fowl the First Human LEPRoot: There'll be a new recruit joining us; he specializes in divulging enemy secrets. Presenting…ARTEMIS FOWL! (Beams happily.)
(Artemis Fowl walks into the scene. Random fact: He looks very good in his LEPrecon uniform.)
Artemis: (Sighs) Can nothing be done without me?
Holly: Shut up, Fowl. (She acts sulkily, and spends the better part of the day referring to him as 'Mud Boy'.)
Artemis and Holly are forced to work together on some secret project. Initially, their arguments were very audible. Then they got softer. And softer. And softer. Finally, there was no more contention. Things became so quiet that Root began to get worried.
Holly: Oh, golly me! After spending all those hours with you, I've come to know the real you. You've a heart after all!
Artemis: And I have learnt what respect is, after meeting you. You're the only one for me!
(Insert outrageously mushy scene here. OOC-ness abound.)
Butler: AT LAST! Artemis is finally 'communicating'! (Goes back to polishing his Sig Sauer, the only thing that he's good at.)
Artemis Fowl and the Time Turner FictionArtemis Fowl discovers that the world is coming to an end. The reason? He just lost his first game of chess.
Instead of challenging Professor Zabini to a rematch, the prodigy decides to do something revolutionary but time-consuming.
He invents a time machine.
After a couple of weeks tinkering away in the basement, Artemis unveils his latest gadget, a time capsule. He then declares that it shall be put to good use (He's going back in time, so that he can defeat Professor Zabini and reclaim his dignity).
And he does just that.
Imagine Artemis' astonishment when he is beaten….again!
Artemis: This cannot be! I memorised your moves! That confounded castle is supposed to move after your infernal bishop, not before! What is happening? Has my eidetic memory let me down?
Professor Zabini: Bwahahaha! You are but an amateur, my child. You are too young to know the ways of the world.
Artemis: The only explanation would be that you invented your own time capsule, travelled back in time, and defeated me again.
Foaly: Actually, that is impossible. Professor Zabini would have to prescient, for one thing. For another, the overlapping timelines-
Author: Get lost, Foaly! Your logic is ruining everything!
Professor Zabini: (Smirks) Of course, Artemis. Of course. And you know what, boy? When it comes to time travel, nobody beats me. In fact (matter-fact-voice), I've been time-travelling since I was thirteen!
Artemis: WHAT?! I patented the first time-travelling device! How could you…ohhhhh.
Professor Zabini: Yep! I'm Hermione Granger! I married Blaise Zabini last month, and decided to go by my husband's name, so that the readers wouldn't realise that this is a Harry Potter crossover all along! Hah! (The author disregards the fact that Hermione never was good at chess, to begin with.)
Artemis Fowl and the Song Fic (As sung by Artemis Fowl)Oh, you might not think I'm pretty ,
But don't swoon at what you see,
Butler will mutilate whoever it is,
That is smarter and younger than me.
You can keep your calculators Casio,
Your Palms Sony and Spiro,
But I am Artemis Fowl II,
And my stolen fairy-gadgets can out-tech them all.
You might belong in Gryffindor,
And fight like a Shaolin Master,
But your daring, nerve and chivalry,
Will fade when confronted by Butler.
Or, perhaps you might be a Hufflepuff,
And be known for your loyalty,
But even your patience will run thin,
When Grub starts talking about his Mommy.
Or yet, perhaps you're a Ravenclaw,
Who claims to have mastered facts and lore,
But pray note that there's always Foaly
And nobody knows more than him but me.
Maybe Slytherin's your house,
If you like being the antagonist,
But nobody is more devious than
Count Mustrum Diggory de Dwarfish.
So by all means go ahead, I plea,
Read my books and regurgitate tales about me,
Outlandish pairings, soporific plots – I can't wait to star in them,
By the way, I'm an Arty/Holly fan.
Artemis Fowl: Suffering In Silence
When you cry I'll wipe away all of your tears
Artemis Fowl's crystalline blue eyes filled with tears. His father abused him hourly, his mother was charged with murder (she's pleading insanity), Butler had Parkinson's, Juliet had Alzheimer's, Holly broke up with him yesterday and Mulch had lost his disk. Plus, his lumbago was driving him nuts. Gee, growing up sure is tough.
When you scream I'll fight away all of your fearsThe telephone rang. Artemis screamed like a banshee – he was so absorbed in his tragic little world that the ring startled him into shrieking like someone possessed.
I held your hand through all of these yearsArtemis picked up the phone. Holly Apparated beside him, and held his hand comfortingly. It was Dr. Poe, who called to inform Artemis that he (Artemis) was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, leukaemia, cancer, malaria, SARS, diabetes and (Insert name of exotic, fatal disease here).
And thus ends the tale of Artemis Fowl II the Dying/Abused/Dumped.
Oh, wait! There's more –
These wounds won't seem to heal/ this pain is just too realTears spilled out of Artemis' huge, blue eyes. His handsome face wore a pained expression, as though he'd just had his molars extracted sans anaesthesia. Artemis rolled up his sleeves, exposing his wrists. He reached for the sharp, gleaming, razor.
And he………..
IMPORTANT: Underage kids, please click the 'Back' button. Now. I have no desire to be accused of corrupting the sweet, innocent minds of juveniles everywhere. Go read a G-rated fic or something. This one has unsuitable themes
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Mature, discerning readers, PROCEED
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…shaved his head.
A Tribute to Mary SuesNovalee Wintergreen glanced at the clock; it was almost the witching hour. Just one more page of Phase Equilibrium to go, she thought drowsily. Blah, blah, fractional distillation of concentrated Nitric (V) acid, blah, blah, azeotropic mixture…
And then she fell asleep (Who needs narcotics when you have textbooks?).
She woke up. Her surroundings appeared to be…. familiar. Horribly familiar, I might add. Suddenly, a fat, ugly horse with the torso of a man - oh, I think he's called a 'centaur', trotted up to her. Accompanying him was a pudgy pygmy.
Foaly: You're the Mary Sue, I see. (Sighs) Looks like we've a lot of modifying to do.
Root: (Chews on a mouldy cigar) Exactly, pony. Let's see……..what say, you're actually the hidden daughter of Sauron, a prodigious sorceress whom Artemis falls for?
Novalee's shoulder-length, dead straight hair instantly wove itself into tight, curly locks. Black lipstick painted itself across her scowling lips. Her cardigan and slacks transformed into long, flowing robes made entirely out of scales. The effect was cataclysmic - she looked like a gothic fish.
A sickly-looking dragon waltzed into the scene, started to pick the scales off her dress and wielded it back onto itself. Novalee gave the poor dragon a vicious kick and turned him into barbeque (By the way, she's also a pyro). "I SIMPLY REFUSE TO BE A WITCH! I'm a Muggle, and proud of it!" screamed the enraged girl.
Foaly shook his head with regret. "You and your flaming bright ideas," he snapped at Root. "I KNEW that she wouldn't like it. How 'bout, you become the ex-girlfriend of Butler who was raised by elves? And when you come back into his life, Butler ends up duelling his Principal for your hand?"
Before Novalee could protest, she grew to a height of six-feet-eleven. To her uttermost horror, she 'developed curves in all the right places', her eyes turned purple and her lips blood red.
"OBJECTION!"
"Why?" whined Root and Foaly in unison. They looked oh-so-disappointed that Novalee was dissatisfied.
"Because," seethed the Amazonian girl, "Butler has never been, and will never be my love interest. Ever. Not in the books, not in reality, and certainly not in this story."
"But if you'd let us-" protested Root, but he was interrupted.
"I think, Julius," smiled Foaly, "that I know what she is cut out to be."
Novalee glanced from Foaly to Root in utter disbelief. Her fate depended on those two goons? What baloney! PLEASE let me wake up from this nightmare!
"You'll be Holly and Artemis' legitimate daughter – a criminal mastermind with the powers and lifespan of an elf."
Try as she might, Novalee couldn't stop herself from shrinking to Root's height. Worse – her face became deathly white, but the rest of her body remained tanned. As Root and Foaly watched in alarm, Novalee's cranium bulged, and the dome grew into a cone (You know what a gnome's head look like, don't you?). Overall, Version 3 took the cake for Worst Imagination.
"What went wrong?" wailed Foaly in dismay. "Holly's not bad looking, and Artemis might be smart, but his head isn't THAT big! Not physically, if at all!"
Root was equally upset. "It's all YOUR fault, pony!" he moaned. "Don't you even know how to write a proper Mary Sue?!"
Novalee took a few deep breaths. Somebody was going to scream 'Blue murder!' soon. Not her. "WHAT WENT WRONG?!" she shrieked, immediately silencing the both of them. "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WENT WRONG! IN YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO CREATE A FLAWLESS CHARACTER, YOU ENDED UP WITH SOMETHING EVERYONE HATES! RING A BELL, ANYONE?!"
And then she woke up, realised that her all-important examination was less than three hours away, and decided that her life was indisputably screwed.
Cheers!