Chapter 35: Recovering

"Oh, God, I hurt…" That was Jubilee's first reaction as awareness, and pain, flooded back into her body and mind, ripping away the veil of unconsciousness that had cushioned her from it for at least a little while. She moaned as the ache settled into every joint of her body, and became concentrated between her hips.

A cool hand touched her forehead, and a soft voice said, "Well, the fever's down, so she must be waking up. I'll get her some food and water. She's going to be hungry." Footsteps receded.

Another voice, a gruff male one, said "Jubilee? Hey, are ya awake?" Memory intruded. She had a vague recollection of Logan, appearing almost like magic in the torture chamber; she fuzzily remembered some sort of battle, in which Gallas and Julian and the torturer were killed; and a memory of the hard night ride, with the front of the saddle digging painfully into her body between her legs. Was she dreaming, or had all of that really happened?

"L-Logan?" She carefully opened her eyes. Logan's worried-looking face was only inches from her own.

"You awake?"

"Yes…" Jubilee closed her eyes for a moment, fighting the headache that threatened to take over, and when she thought she had it under control, she opened them again. She was lying in a small room. The walls were rough, made of wood and stone, and she was lying on a bed in the corner of the room furthest from the door. There was a small chair beside the bed, which Logan was sitting on, and a small pallet of blankets were spread out on the opposite side of the room. She looked back at Logan. "Where are we?"

"Thomas's daughter's house. Ya been asleep fer a coupla days."

"Days?" Jubilee almost sat bolt upright in the bed, and thought better of it when the ache in her head threatened to send her back down into darkness. "Isn't anyone looking for us?"

Logan shrugged. "A couple of wanderin' patrols. Not much. When the word spread that Gallas was dead the minor lords and princelings decided ta scramble an' try ta grab the throne. They're all too busy fightin' each other now. And from what I hear, the force that was engagin' Richard's at the border just up and left in the middle o' the night. Richard's soldiers are packin' up now."

Jubilee stared at the blanket covering her. "You saved me. You've repaid your life-debt. So go on."

Logan stared at her. "And leave ya here? Naw. I ain't goin' anywhere til yer ready ta travel too."

"Why not? You did before." The bitterness in her tone cut Logan's heart.

"Because…that was a mistake," he said earnestly. "Jubilee…before we go on, I need ta say…I need ta tell ya…that I'm sorry. I got so mad at ya fer not tellin' me who ya were, an' fer lyin' ta me, that I lost sight o' what's important."

"What?" She still wasn't looking at him.

"Whether yer a girl or a boy, yer still my squire. Yer still the same plucky kid who takes care o' my horse and tack an' who jumped inta the river ta save my life. I owed ya fer that. And now I owe ya a lot more. If I'd taken ya with me when I left the first time, I coulda saved ya a lot o' pain." She still wasn't looking at him. Logan sighed. "While ya been asleep I been talkin' ta Thomas. He told me…He told me that Julian forced ya ta sleep with him. I was wrong when I said ya betrayed me. And when I left ya got hurt even worse. Jubilee…will ya fergive me?" There was silence for a long time. Logan started to sweat. "I know I got a lot ta make up fer. Nothin' I could do could even begin ta make up fer what ya suffered. But maybe I could give it a try. Fergive me?"

"Yes," and Logan sighed gustily at the response. "Wait. There are a few other things you should know. I haven't been entirely truthful." Logan sat back in his chair and looked at Jubilee, who had finally raised her head and was looking straight at him.

"I guess we ought ta get all the lyin' done and over with," he said levelly. "Go ahead." She started with stories of her life with the entertainers' show, and Logan nodded as the reason for her extreme flexibility and her acrobatic skill became evident. Then she told him about that last, dreadful night at Brooksmeet, the raiding bandits and the horrible deaths of everyone she knew. Logan listened, marveling at her strength as she told him how she had worked the next day to bury the people who had fallen, and then about her days of walking to find the next closest village, where she had met up with him. The rest he knew. "How old are ya?" Logan asked curiously, when she had finished.

Jubilee thought for a moment. "I turned eighteen this spring," she said when she finished counting.

Logan's jaw dropped. "You don't look it," he managed finally, still staring at her. "My God…I really was a damn fool…"

She looked curious. "Why?" Logan couldn't answer her. All winter, while she worked next to him and talked with him and laughed with him, she had been a girl. His body had known that, of course; he now remembered the urges he'd had to fight down whenever he'd seen her. Now they all made sense.

"I…I'd never been attracted to a boy before," he finally got out, flushing a bright red. "An' all of a sudden, when ya came, I had ta fight with myself. That was why I approached Julian 'bout takin' ya off my hands to begin with, cause I didn't wanna find myself attracted ta a boy. I ain't like that. But ya ain't a boy, yer a girl, an' I'm…I was a damn fool." He shook his head absently, his mind spinning. She was not only a girl, she was also old enough to court…

"You're attracted to me?" Jubilee blurted incredulously.

Logan ducked his head and blushed. "Well…" Jubilee stared at the blanket again, her own face red. "Uh. Well…I guess...I kinda had a crush on you too."

"Had?" Logan's heart leaped. If Jubilee…

"Had," Jubilee said firmly, still looking down and not meeting his eyes. "Logan…maybe before…but now…now that you know I lied to you, you maybe won't want me around anymore. And…after what Julian did to me, I don't think…" She swallowed miserably. "I…can't, Logan. I don't think I could, now. He hurt me…so much…" And although she had told herself she wouldn't think about the horrible things Julian and Gallas had done to her, had made her do with them, she found all her pent-up feelings rushing out in a torrent of tears. Logan reached out to wrap his arms around her, but she flinched at his touch and tried to avoid his grasp. Logan felt a sick anguish settling into the pit of his stomach. No, Jubilee would never be his girl. Not now. Not after Julian had hurt her so badly. How she had survived his brutality was a mystery to him; but innocence, once lost, couldn't be regained.

He carefully moved away from her, noting the way her body visibly relaxed once his male presence no longer invaded her personal space, and sighed. "I do still want you around," he said firmly, surprising both himself and Jubilee. "I want things ta go back ta bein' the way they were. I want ya ta continue ta be my squire. I care 'bout ya, Jubilee…a lot…an' maybe someday when the pain of the memories go away…we can give it another try." Jubilee shook her head.

"Logan, it won't work. You know I'm a girl, now; it shows. You're not as casual around me anymore; no one will be fooled for long. I can't continue to be your squire. Maybe it would be best for you to just go. Tell everyone you tried to rescue Lee, but he was already dead…I'll find somewhere else to live."

Logan reached over to her and shook her. "Stop that!" He exclaimed. "Do ya honestly think I could do that? Vincet's waitin' fer ya. Renee is waitin' fer ya. They're yer friends too. They have a right ta see ya, ta know yer alive. Not ta mention, if I don't come back with ya, Vincet's likely gonna skin me alive. He was furious that I'd left ya."

"He cares about me," Jubilee said quietly. "But…Logan, I don't care for him the same way…"

"He knows," Logan said, releasing her. "But you have a responsibility to let him know you're alive. And Renee. And…back there in the dungeon…I think I remember you saying that you know who the traitor Duke is?"

"Yes!" Jubilee started, her eyes wide. "It's Duke Gilbert. Oh, God…we have to go warn the King…" She started to try and get up, ignoring the pain that flared up in her body.

Logan planted a hand in the middle of her chest and held her down. It wasn't that difficult, given how weak she was. "Hold on," he said firmly. "Yer not goin' anywhere till ya can move without flinchin' in pain an' yer a little stronger. Right now ya can barely move. Youalmost died back there.Mistress Mary says yer gonna heal up fine, with time, but if ya reinjure the muscles in yer arms and legs yer gonna end up crippled. I don't wanna see that. So yer gonna stay put till ya can move without hurtin'." Jubilee fought his hand, weakly, but gave up when it was clear that he absolutely wasn't going to let her up. She lay back on the pillow, gasping with effort, and tears in her blue eyes. He didn't take his hand away until she was completely still.

The door to the room opened, and Mary came in carrying a wooden bowl and spoon with a savory aroma rising off it; and a cup of watered wine. "The wine will help you get to sleep, which is the best thing for you right now. But you'd better eat first." She set the bowl down on the table beside the bed and tucked another pillow behind Jubilee's back, raising the girl to a semi-upright position, then gave Jubilee the bowl. Jubilee tried to eat, but the heat coming from the wooden bowl made her swollen fingers ache, and the spoon left ridges. Logan took the bowl and spoon from her gently and started to feed her, and she was too tired to complain. He made her finish the entire bowl and held the cup to her lips. She made a face when she tasted the herbs added to the wine and water, but Mary only smiled. "They'll dull the pain and make you feel better." Jubilee obediently drank it down, and by the time Mary got her lying down flat again she was already drifting off into sleep.

Mary took the bowl and spoon off to the kitchen, and when she came back Jubilee was deeply asleep. She pulled the covers off the sleeping girl and checked the bandages wrapped around Jubilee's ankles. The heavy leather straps that had been wrapped around Jubilee's ankles while she was suspended on the rack had bitten deeply into the flesh, leaving raw sores. Mary gently unwrapped the cloths, smeared more ointment on her ankles, and wrapped them back up. Then she turned her attention to the bandages on Jubilee's wrists. Logan helped her, holding the pot of ointment and bandages, and when Mary was done with Jubilee's wrists, Logan gently rolled Jubilee over on her stomach. Mary unbuttoned the back of the long white shift. Logan again had to fight down the anger that threatened to engulf him, as he had every time in the last few days that Mary had done this while Jubilee was unconscious. In addition to the deep whip weals that would leave scars, and the burns on her back from being beaten with a branding iron,she was so starved every bone in her back stood out in sharp relief on her pale skin.And it was all his fault, for leaving her there in the first place. If he hadn't left her she wouldn't look like this now…

"Don't beat yourself up, Sir Logan," Mary said quietly, buttoning the back of the shift up and rolling her onto her side, where she would sleep more comfortably. Tugging the blanket up, she smoothed down the folds while she pinned Logan with a direct stare. "There's nothing to be done about it now. And at least she's alive, and she'll heal. Don't give up on her yet."

"She'll heal physically…but emotionally?" Logan shook his head. "She says…there's no hope fer us, cause Julian an' Gallas hurt her too badly. She don't even want me ta hug her, or touch her. I love her…but ain't nothin' gonna happen now."

Mary smiled gently. "Don't give up yet, Sir Logan. She will heal. It'll take some time, but she will heal. Completely. Wait and see. Just be there for her. Be patient." She smiled at him and patted his shoulder gently. Logan smiled at her and went digging around in the tack under the small table, coming up with a small brown purse. "Here," he said quietly. "For your trouble. For letting us stay here while she heals enough for us to travel." The small leather pouch held the money Renee had given Logan to finance his little rescue effort.

Mary's eyes widened and she shook her head. "Oh, no, I couldn't take it," she said. "You're here because I want you to stay here, not because I want money for it!"

Logan shook his head. "Please take it," he said. "I'm grateful fer all ya done, an' I don't know how else ta thank ya. And havin' two extra mouths ta feed surely can't be easy, so use it to replace what we've eaten. Or anything else we might damage, or use, or anything you need. Please. It's the least I can do."

Mary smiled. "All right. Thank you, Sir Logan." She left the room quietly. Logan sighed as he went to the other side of the room, where a small pallet of blankets and an extra pillow lay. He dropped down on them with a sigh, stretching out. Now that she'd awakened, and she seemed all right, he needed to get some sleep.

He didn't know how much later it was when he woke. For a moment he lay awake there, the cool air telling him it was night, and wondering what had woken him. Then he heard the same soft, muffled sound that had woken him up, and he looked over at the bed. Jubilee's eyes were screwed shut, and she was whimpering. As Logan watched, her body jerked as though she were in pain, and she choked out, "No…Julian, please, no…"

He got up and crossed the room, taking hold of her shoulders. "Jubilee, it's okay," he whispered. "Yer safe, yer with me, I ain't gonna let nothin' hurt ya. Julian's dead. Wake up." He shook her gently. She went rigid, her face twisted in an expression of pure agony, and he bit his lip. What had Julian done to her to make her look like that? "Jubilee, please," he said, sitting down beside her on the bed and pulling her up to a sitting position. "Wake up."

And she did. With a gasp she opened her blue eyes, and the terror in them made him flinch. With a soft gasp, she flung herself away from him, cowering up against the top of the bed. "Please," she begged softly, her eyes now squeezed shut. "Please don't hurt me!"

"Jubilee, it's me. It's Logan. I ain't gonna hurt ya. Relax. Yer safe, Julian's dead, he ain't gonna hurt ya any more. I won't let nobody else hurt ya either." Slowly her eyes opened again, and she looked at him with tears spilling down her cheeks. Logan's heart ached, and he reached out impulsively, wrapped his arms around her, and hugged her carefully. She stiffened…but didn't pull away immediately. Logan figured maybe they were making progress.

It was almost a full week beforeJubilee could get out of bed without pain. "Easy, now," he said gently as she stood shakily on the floor. "Yer still weak. Ya lost a lotta muscle, an' it ain't gonna come back that easy." He slung her arm across his neck and wrapped his free arm around her waist. "Now, nice and slow, we're gonna go fer a breath of fresh air." Jubilee wore the clothes Logan had brought for her; her own clothes, tunic and trousers, that he'd shoved in the bottom of his pack, thinking she'd need them. They hung loosely on her body now; she was a shrunken shadow of her former self. Logan winced at the sight of her, but didn't allow his distress to show on his face.

The sunlight felt warm on her face after such a long time inside. She pushed off Logan's arm and leaned against the doorframe, closed her eyes, and just soaked up the sun. There hadn't been any windows in the dungeon, and she'd gone pale in the month she'd been imprisoned there. After a moment, her legs gave out and she sank to her knees on the ground in front of the door. Logan hurried to her, reaching down to help her up, but she stiffened and pulled away. He dropped his hands, a hurt expression crossing his face briefly before he rearranged the mask of cheerfulness over it. She turned away from him so he wouldn't see her face. She hated to hurt his feelings by refusing his help…but she couldn't bear anyone touching her. Just the thought of hands on her body…not his, but Julian's, Gallas, and the guards…and she wanted to throw up. The nightmares didn't help either. She woke up at least once a night, sometimes twice, shaking and crying. Logan was always there, whispering comforting words and holding her tightly. The first few moments after one of those dreams, she'd cling to him; it felt nice having someone touch her and not hurt her. Then her body would react to the fact that he was male, and she had to pull away. It wasn't that he would hurt her; she knew he wouldn't. It was the thought of her own body, of how filthy she was. No amount of bathing and scrubbing could get the feel of those hands off her skin; she felt so unutterably dirty.

He held her because he felt sorry for her; but if he knew what had been done to her, if he knew what she did…she wasn't sure he would still care about her after he told her. She had, in the end, begged Julian to allow her to sleep with him, because the alternative, being in the torture chamber alone with her agony and the guards' brutal attentions was too much for her to bear. She had gone willingly to Julian's bed because she was too weak to withstand the torture…and if Logan knew she'd gone willingly he would hate her. And right now she needed him. No one else cared about her; she couldn't lose that. She resolutely pushed it all to the back of her mind and stood shakily, clinging to the doorframe. "Logan?" she finally found her voice. "I can't continue to be your squire." She had known that since she'd woken up. She'd lost too much muscle, and her body was too fragile. When they got back to the castle she would be expected to resume her duties for him, and she knew she couldn't.

"I know, Jubilee." Logan sat beside her, and she let herself fall back to the ground to sit beside him. But not too close. If he noticed it, he didn't mention it. "I been thinkin' bout it. I'm gonna tell everyone that the bandits who raided and torched your hometown were under orders from Gallas. An' they saw ya, and took ya, and yer twin brother Lee thought ya'd been killed. You two were briefly reunited back in the dungeons, but Lee died from the torture; however, he told ya who the traitor was, and asked ya ta tell the King. So I brought ya out ta tell the King. After we have an audience with the King Renee will probably add you to her string of serving maids."

"Will that work?" Jubilee said wonderingly.

"Think so. The only people who know who ya are is Renee, Vincet, the weaponsmaster, and me. They won't tell. I won't, an' you won't…so I think we're pretty safe." He sighed. "Come on. Let's go inside. The sun's settin', and it's gettin' cold."