Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, not even the plots.
Holly Short: Totally OOCArtemis Fowl stared at the monitor, his fingers dancing on the keyboard. The touch pad was already worn, but he showed no sign of deserting his beloved laptop. No, nothing, no one, could make him deviate from his un-named mission.
Or not.
Outside the window, someone was nursing a broken heart.
Dang dang dang!
Artemis sighed. Somehow, something was missing. The not-there plot thickens.
Dang dang dang!
"I don't know…." he said softly, as if to no one in particular. (Fussy nitpickers mutter angrily, that Artemis would NEVER say 'I don't know'.) However, the fact remains that Artemis knew that someone was eavesdropping outside. "These days, loneliness is rampant." (Again, nitpickers curse the author for turning Artemis into a Mills and Boons hero)
Dang dang dang!
Outside, a stunningly pretty babe was kicking her own behind, for letting the pony mind wipe the only male that she had ever love. As usual, she only realised that she liked him once he had no idea who the heck she was.
"I can't take it anymore! Life is too short to be wasted! Love conquers all!" she cries in despair. Insert romance-saturated zen quotes here
Dang dang - The author's dang dang machine breaks.
With her eyes wide open, Holly smashed her way into his bedroom, oblivious to the shards of glass that penetrated her body.
Artemis: Oh, Holly, why must you be so stupid?
Holly: I came to see you, you ungrateful Mud Boy!
Artemis: I am deeply sorry, but the thing is, you are being utterly irrational. You could've come in through the door, but you chose to shoot through the window instead.
Holly: Don't leave, Artemis! I'm dying in here!
Artemis: I am sorry. But fairies and humans cannot be together.
Readers mutter profanities at the screen, and yell for a thunderbolt to strike the author
Holly/ Root: The Shakespeare Way
He was a middle-aged superior. She was a sweet young thing. They were as different as night and day.
Readers: (Instinctively realise where this is going) Stay away from her! She's Artemis'!!
Author: Shut up. This is fan fiction. If I wanna do it my way, I do it MY way. You hate it, you don't read it. Oh yeah, but you must leave me a review, anyhow. ß-Most clichéd line, ever.
Holly: Commander…I…
Root: Short, I know that I have been too hard on you….
Holly: Oh, but it's for my own good! I know you mean well. I know you do!
Root: I guess it's because I know that you have it in you.
Holly: Oh, Commander…
Root: Oh, Holly….
Arty/ Holly shippers: Ewwwww!!!!!
However, to give this cliché a twist, Vinyaya drops by and catches the two of them, uh, holding hands.
Vinyaya: (Kills Holly) If I can't have him, nobody can!
Root: (Crying) You killed the woman I loved! (Drinks instant poison)
Actually, Holly isn't dead yet. Vinyaya was only using a shock gun, and she was practising her lines for a play.
Holly: (Wakes up) Oh, Root, Root! Where art thou? Alas! How can you be so cruel, to leave me here alone? Perhaps there is some poison left on your lips…
She kisses him and dies.
Arty/Holly shippers: I TOLD you that it wouldn't work out!
Artemis Fowl: El Estupido
It was a beautiful day. No, it was a dark and stormy night. No, it was spring, with the birds singing. No, it was (insert whatever clichéd beginning you can think of in here).
Anyway,
Nothing could compare to the glorious fact that Artemis was grinning. He was happy, and it was all that mattered.
Root: Why is that infidel smiling?! Pony, I want him miserable!
Foaly: Julius, I'm afraid that the mind wipe has wiped out more than his memory. He's now…. stupid.
Holly: Give him back his memories! I can't get paired up with an idiot!
(Actually, the author was planning to take this clichéd fic to 'greater heights' by dealing with 'deeper issues' on neurology and human behaviour, but due to her fickle mind, she was swayed by reviewers, who demanded more Art/Holly scenes)
Elsewhere…
Butler: (Somewhat exasperatedly) Master Artemis, you are drooling!
Artemis: Wahahahaha!
Everyone: Shudders
Anyway, to finish this off with a good 'ol clichéd ending, Foaly asked his relative, Firenze, to ask Dumbledore for some un-named Potion. Dumbledore was busy, so he ordered Snape to make the 'Intelligence Potion'. Snape, who was dealing with lunacy, ordered Neville Longbottom to brew the potion, which led to seriously devastating consequences.
But, but, but.
As this story is a clichéd, the ending is good. The potion, although screwed by Neville, did its job. Not only that – Artemis was also transformed into a fairy, and 10 years later, he had wings and 7 kids. We all know who his wife is, right?
Artemis Fowl: Welcome To Fowl Hotel! Enjoy Your Stay! Mary Sues Get 50 Off-
As usual, Artemis was plotting. The author was too lazy to come up with a half-original storyline, so she skipped right to the so-called climax.
Butler: There's a girl at the front door, Master Artemis.
Artemis: Invite her in, old friend. Where are your manners?
Marylianna: Oh, valiant warrior! I am being pursued by wargs, Death Eaters, predators, aliens, and Mary Sue bashers!
Artemis: You can stay at Fowl Manor for the time being. Talks as if he'd memorised a script
Marylianna: What? Oh, jewel among pebbles! You are but a kind-hearted ma-
Artemis: No, really. You're always welcomed. Talks as if he had uttered that line a million times
Marylianna: How can this worthless servant ever repay you?
Butler: (Gently leads Marylianna away from the weary Artemis) Miss, you must understand, Fowl Manor sees many young ladies every single day. Do not take this the wrong way, but you aren't a special case.
Marylianna: But-
Butler: (Kindly voice) You see, every hour or so, a stunning young lady will drop by. If Artemis were lucky, she would stop herself from proclaiming her undying love for him in time. In fact, you're the 1000th visitor to Fowl Manor. Congratulations.
Marylianna: But-
Butler: It has to happen, you know. The author decides to write a romance-genre fic, and what better way to introduce an OC than by shoving her into Fowl Manor, with the excuse that 'she has nowhere to go?'
Marylianna: Hmph! As a matter of fact, I-
Butler: We've arrived at the common room. Remember, no bothering Artemis.
Inside the vast room…
Kasperlianna: WHAT?! ANOTHER ONE??!!
However, the author must be commended for not mentioning Holly at all.
A/n: It is great to know that I am actually running out of clichés. Perhaps this fandom is now saturated with originality. Perhaps I do not have the time to sieve for clichés. You, yes, you, the person reading this unnecessary author's note, if you have a clichéd on your mind, let it out. Even better – come up with your own clichés compendium; I'll be more than willing to support any anti-clichés crusader. Cheers!