A/n: Yes, another installation! Not that I hate this fandom, mind you. In fact, I have some pretty high respect for some of the authors here, and I take my hat off to them for the wonderful job that they've done. As usual, I'm terribly sorry if you see your stories being parodied here. Please know that if you're reading this story, and going, "Oh, man! What's MY story doing here!" then it was truly unintentional. The only stories that I poke fun at directly are mine, but other than that, have fun!

Artemis Fowl: Attack of the clones

Artemis looks into Holly's stunning purple eyes (actually, she has hazel eyes but she's wearing contacts for the sake of looking like some mutant). He bends lower to meet her face. Unsurprisingly, he failed to plant his lips on hers—she is too short. So he bends lower and lower and lower until he's curled like a pretzel…..

But the highly desired mushy scene does not come.

Suddenly, the author decides that she doesn't want to write another hackneyed love story (good for her, not good for Arty/Holly fanatics). Hence, Arty suddenly realised that he had forgotten the MAIN mission of the day—completing his latest invention.

Artemis: I'm sorry, Captain Short, eh, Holly, but we cannot do this. I must not let love interfere with my job. (Eyes her longingly, but maintains emotionless voice.)

Holly: I understand, Mud Boy, eh, Artemis. But just so that you know, I—(Insert the usual love proclamations here).

Anyway, after this tear-jerking scene, Artemis returns to his room to work on his cloning machine. He has no idea why an individualist like himself would want to create another guy who'd compete with him for everything (including Captain Short, of course), but as the author thinks that it's a great idea for Arty to clone himself, he does it anyway.

Artemis III: Oh my gosh! We're like, twins or something! Huggies!

Artemis II: (Has a horrible feeling that he screwed up in the personality section) State your name, clone. I'm Artemis II, your creator.

Artemis III: I'm your clone? That's like, so cool!

(Sings) May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Art Fowly please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Art Fowly please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here

Artemis II: It's Artemis Fowl, imbecile!

Artemis III: (Sings) I'm Art Fowly, yes I'm the real Arty.

All you other Arties are just imitating

Artemis II: That's my line, clone! What's the matter with you? It can't be the wirings….

Artemis III: (Takes out huge gun from his pocket) I'm Art Fowly, yes I'm the real Arty, and there'll only be one Arty….

Artemis II: BUT—(Gunshot is heard. You know what happened)

Angeline: (Rushes into the room) What happened, Arty? I thought I heard something.

Artemis II (Previously Artemis III, but he inherited the title from his unwilling predecessor): Nothing, mama. Just cleaning out my closet.

THE END

Elevator Scene

Summary: The elevator was invented for more than one reason.

Artemis: What's wrong with you, Butler? Why aren't you entering the elevator with me?

Butler: Suddenly, I've developed a phobia of elevators. Go on, I'll meet you up there. Bye!

Artemis: Strange. Very strange.

He appears to be the only person in it. As he waits, Artemis hears a tiny cough.

Artemis: (Pirouettes around) Who goes there!

Silence.

Artemis: Reveal yourself, invisible foe! And fight my bodyguard later like a man!

A shimmer in the air. A faint scent of feminine cologne.

Holly: Don't look at me like that, Fowl. I was assigned to keep an eye on you. Fowl Watch.

Artemis: I see. I shall thank them letting you volunteer for it.

Predictably, the elevator stopped moving. They were trapped in the most romantic spot ever.

Holly: (Panics) What is this? Fix it, wonder boy! Now!

Artemis: (Ignores the emergency button) I'm afraid that I lack the tools, if not the expertise, Holly. But since we're here…shall I compare you to a summer's day?

Holly: No. Why?

Artemis: Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, but summer's lease hath-

Holly: Cut the crap, Mud Boy. (She tries to hit him on the face, but he catches her hand with lightning reflexes that aren't supposed to exist. They stare into each other's eyes)

(Insert ultra mushy scene here. Atheists reach for barf bags.)

THE END

Opal Deception

Imagine the usual stormy night. Arty hasn't regained his memories yet. Suddenly, Opal Koboi shows up.

Opal: You caused me my freedom, Fowl! Prepare to die!

Artemis: (Mouth drops open) Who in the name of (insert some philosopher/scientist/wizard/supreme being's name) are you? BUTLER!

Opal: (Laughs disparagingly) Faking stupidity, Fowl? Nice technique, but no cigar. I shall kill you slowly and painfully and humiliatingly. Then I'll skin you and hang your head and burn your Armani… (Does not do any of the aforementioned. Instead, she yatters and rattles on like the typical moronic villains who loves to fill their victims in on how they're planning to execute their plan, thus giving Butler ample time to show up with a polished gun)

Butler: You shall not take him, foul demon. Not today. (The glint in his eye is worthy of an Oscar statue)

Opal: You dare challenge me, Mud Ape? I have legions of ex-boyfriends at my service, who're all willing to die for my sake!

Butler: I bet my Artemis has more girlfriends than you. Not to mention the fangirls who're willing to die for his sake.

Opal: HE DOES NOT! I have 1098761 pixies/centaurs/dwarves/imps/whatever in my army! All my ex-boyfriends!

Butler: Artemis has the same number as you! I can't believe you tied….

Opal: That means I win. Fowl, prepare to die.

Mulch: (Suddenly shows up) Actually, Koboi, you lost. Arty has one extra, newly-acquired admirer.

Everyone: (Automatically thinks of Captain Short.)

Mulch: Me.

Epilogue:

Opal realises that, in a weird way, she had won after all. She leaves the Manor feeling utterly satisfied—the look on Fowl's face was priceless.

THE END

…for now.