Atlantis

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Chapter Four

How's it Going to Be

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Journal Entry Two

Ronald Weasley

Seventh Year

Number: 071823

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'd like to think the day started normally. My mother shouted for me to wake up, because today was the day I started my final year at Hogwarts. I got ready, ate, and walked over to the fireplace. We'd be traveling by floo this year and I could tell, just by the look on his face, Harry would have preferred to walked the entire way alone than go this way.

It was funny in a way. Deatheaters and all sorts of nasty things he faced with little problem, but traveling by floo almost made him sick. Mum wouldn't be going this year, as she had to stay home with the new baby.

Don't ask me whose idea it was to go adding new Weasleys to the family, because I certainly wasn't consulted on the matter, but it'd happened anyway. Another girl, much to Ginny's delight, with the typical bright red curls and wide brown eyes.

Hermione and Ginny had spent much of the summer playing and cooing over the baby. I didn't understand the allure myself, at least for Ginny. Sharon, the baby, was here every day and would be here everyday for the next few years, what in the world did she want to spend so much time around her for?

I think it's a girl thing and if that's the case, I'm just not meant to understand it. I don't think I'll ever really understand girls…I don't think I really want to though.

Harry looked really pale when he stepped into the fireplace. The fire surged up and then Harry spun out of sight. I pulled my trunk in, waving goodbye to Mum, then tossed my handful.

"Hogwart's Express!"

Personally, I kind of like traveling through fireplaces. If you're quick you can catch all sort of strange things. I'm pretty sure I saw a woman pouring a cup of tea to a goat, but I was gone before I could really get a good look. I came to a halt and, still pondering the sight I may have seen, all but tripped over my own feet and fell flat on my face.

Thankfully a hand grasped my shoulder and held me upright. I turned and looked up into the smiling face of Remus Lupin. He'd taught our Third Year Defense Against the Dark Arts class and had cropped up every now and then since.

Not as often as we would have liked, but I always had the feeling he was wary of growing too…attached to us, in a way. After all, all of his friends had died, or betrayed him. I'd be a little hesitant to get to know anyone as well.

I'd shared this theory with Hermione once and her eyes had gotten all watery before she tackled me in a great hug and went on and on about how she'd never thought I could be so considerate and thoughtful. I still have no idea what she was talking about.

"Hello Remus." Harry said, smiling slightly. Hedwig, who was in her cage, hooted what very well could have been a greeting as well. "What're you doing here?"

"Going to see Dumbledore. He needs my help for something, though I'd be lying if I said I knew what it was." Remus chuckled then shoved his hands into his pockets. I wonder if he felt a little strange, a grown man talking to a bunch of teenagers.

I didn't ask though. I was pretty sure that'd be rude.

My brother Bill and Ginny stepped out a moment later. Remus and Bill held back, to discuss one thing or another, and the four of us set about getting on board. Students were milling around, anxious for the new year, but I couldn't help by notice that once again the number of kids I knew had shrunk. Not just because I was a seventh year, and everyone I'd known seven years ago had graduated, but because ever since fifth year parents had been pulling their kids from Hogwarts.

I suppose, for some, having their child that close to the infamous Boy-Who-Lived, and constant target of The Dark Lord's wrath, was just too much of a risk to run. Harry liked to pretend he didn't know why the students were leaving and he also pretended it didn't bother him…

Now that Voldemort was gone you'd have thought things would be better, that we could all magically be happy again but that…wasn't happening. Too much had happened I think and nothing could possible be the same.

But, while I might not be winning a contest for Smartest Weasley Ever, I know when my best friend is lying to me. And it kind of hurt that he couldn't be honest.

Not that I was exactly the most honest guy in the world. But the things…the things I had problems with, weren't things I could tell anyone about. How could I possible explain the things in my head to anyone else? They'd just think I was insane.

Sometimes I thought I was insane.

I rubbed my arm self-consciously, thoughts suddenly turned to something I didn't want to think about, as I sat down next to Hermione. She smiled at me almost shyly then looked away, cheeks turning pink, and I had to fight not to let out the sigh of frustration I felt bubbling up inside me.

Hermione was perfect. I think…I know that if I were a better person, I'd be in love with her, and we'd get married and the world would be…fantastic. She'd make a wonderful wife, and partner, and she'd…do for me what Mum did for Dad and…

I don't know.

It shouldn't have mattered. She was dating Harry and that should have been the end of it. But it wasn't, not really, because she blushed when she looked at me and sometimes I swore Harry had his eyes on my sister and it was just all…so…wrong.

And confusing.

I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes, trying to focus on…something. Anything. Just clear my mind and not think about Hermione and why I didn't love her, and why I felt so…empty sometimes.

…

It wasn't working. My mind was determined to make me think about it. I opened my eyes for a moment and saw they were playing cards and were, per usual, paying me no mind. So I closed my eyes again. Maybe I could sleep or something.

I woke up feeling very sick. I excused myself, trying to keep my tone normal. I noticed Remus was in the compartment as well, sitting off to the side and watching my friends. He had this strange…thoughtful look on his face, like he was remembering something.

None of my friends noticed me, beyond the fact I had to climb over Ginny to get out, but I saw Remus give me a questioning look. I just shrugged and he nodded before turning back to watch the others. I walked out, reminding myself to breath and not run.

Because running didn't solve anything. It'd just draw attention and the last thing I wanted was attention. The thing I wanted most, as this particular moment, was to find the bathroom.

I found it eventually. I knew where it was all along, but for some odd reason couldn't make myself remember. My head was foggy all of a sudden and a dull ache pounded right behind my eyes. I shut the door behind me, and then let out a shaky breath. I leaned against the wall and slid to the ground, noticing that my hand was trembling.

How weird.

I closed my eyes and rubbed at the bridge of my nose, willing the ache to go away. With my free hand I rubbed at my arm again…it felt as if it were itching. My entire arm felt like tiny…bugs were walking across it, stinging me with every step.

See? Like I said, losing my mind.

I pushed my sleeve up, glancing down, even though I knew what I'd find there. Long jagged pink marks. Mostly healing up. I twisted my arm and, with a sick sort of fascination, admired my 'handiwork'. On the underside of my wrist I'd carved the word 'loyalty', after a disturbing dream I'd had in my sixth year. I'd come to terms with the fact I'd scared myself permanently and learned from that mistake.

Then again, maybe I'd done it on purpose. So I wouldn't forget. I was loyal, I was a friend and a brother, and I had people I had to…protect, always. I could…afford to let them down, so I had to be loyal. I couldn't let my self forget that, ever.

I let my fingers drift up further. 'Careful' in raised white flesh. That'd been an interesting one. More blood than I'd thought could come from such shallow wounds. Lots of letters. I was pretty sure I'd passed out after the 'l', since I think I was aiming for 'carefully'.

Up more, to my shoulder. 'Courage'. 'Bravery'. 'Dependable'. 'Strong'.

I didn't really understand the point of it all. It was just something I did, sometimes, because…because there was nothing else to do. Because I needed to remember these things, they were very important, because…people needed to be those things.

My siblings came to talk to me, for reasons I didn't understand. I never had any good advice, never really understood why they talked to be, but they did. Everything, every fear and concern just came pouring out when they came to talk to me. Hermione needed me to be these things, to be this person she'd come to know.

The one who'd follow his friends into hell with not a small amount of whining but no real qualms. The one who'd stand by her side, even when she was being a bitch, because I was her friend. Someone who'd risk being eaten by spiders when it was necessary.

She didn't need to know how afraid I was, how it ate me up…how I hated all of this. The death, the fleeing people, the way people avoided us and whispered about us, and how much I wanted to just turn away and say 'no more'.

She didn't need to know…she felt the same. But thinking that I never had those thoughts made her strong. It made her able.

And Harry…he just needed everything he could get. People seemed to drop like flies around him, from his parents to Sirius to Cedric…Harry liked seeing me and Hermione everyday and knowing we were still breathing and at his side.

It made it…worth it, maybe.

I didn't really get it, but I knew that when we were around, things were easier for Harry. So I was there.

I know its like; those are very deep thoughts for someone like me.

I'm aware. It's…a lot to think about sometimes. Sometimes I'd rather not think at all. Sometimes I'd rather not feel. Sometimes I'd like to curl up and sleep forever and never see the light of day…

I think, sometimes, Death would be a lot like that.

Quiet, like sleeping. Sleeping for a very long time, and never waking up. And I wouldn't be afraid, or brave, or dependable or falling apart. I wouldn't be anything. I'd be nothing, because that's what death is…nothing. No one is anything and everyone is nothing, because nothing is the only thing you can actually be, and I think that's what we all aspire to be.

Equal. Nothing. Gone.

Dead.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Mr. Weasley." Professor Bear arched an eyebrow at the red haired teen, who blinked up at him with frigid blue eyes. Well, eye actually, but the principal still stood. He'd been in the wing for two days, one of which had been spent unconscious and already most of the other students avoided him.

Bear repressed the urge to shiver. Ron was sitting arms crossed over his chest, while his quill scratched across the paper and his too-long hair fanning across his cheeks.

It was policy that the students not actually touch the quills, because of the nature of the situation they were all in.

"What?" He uncrossed his arms and the white gauze, which went from the base of his hand to his elbow, was a stark contrast against the all black he'd chosen to wear that day. The fact his skin was a snowy, washed out white didn't help him any.

"You have visitors."

Ron turned, glancing towards the door. A girl with the same flaming red hair as his, pulled into a high ponytail, was standing next to the door with a panicked look on her face. It was so obvious she didn't want to be down there. Next to her was a slightly taller brunette. Her hair was also pulled into a ponytail, though it was slightly frizzy and not as carefully done.

His lips pressed into a straight line.

"No."

His tone was cold and forceful. It drew the attention of the blond in the corner, who'd been sitting on the window seat with a sketchbook and carefully culled piece of drawing charcoal. Gray-blue eyes always seemed to take in everything impassively. But this time there was a flicker of interest.

"Mr. Weasley, you know the Headmaster said-"

"No."

"But they came all the way here just to check up on you." Bear said, trying to be as soothing as possible. The redhead had an infamous temper. He never got violent with anyone, but it was almost a fact he'd turn his anger onto himself, which was part of what had gotten him into the situation to begin with. "That was rather nice of them, don't you think."

"Don't patronize me." He muttered, watching the quill fly across his journal with mild interest. "You know I don't like being treated like some sort of ignorant…invalid." As he said this his eyes darted across to the blond. "Or a mute."

"Ron-" The smaller girl said softly, a torn look on her face. Like most, she didn't want to be there, the place had the air of the ward of the hospital they took critical patients to be 'made more comfortable'.

"I fucking said no!" The flare up was instant. He was on his feet and the table was knocked over. The chair fell with a bang. "I don't want to fucking see either of you! Just leave me the hell alone! Let me rot in peace, at least!"

His voice was a hoarse growl. The red haired girl's brown eyes welled with tears then she turned and ran down the hallway. The brunette's eyes narrowed as they lost all trace of wariness.

"How could you do that to her? You know you aren't the only one hurting; the least you could do is let Ginny know you're okay! She's so worried."

He growled. "If I was okay I wouldn't be down here. Just let me go out of my mind without the whole world watching and pitying me."

She was silent for a moment then turned and walked off at an even pace, as if trying to communicate that she wasn't being run off, she was choosing to leave. Ron was silent for a moment then, glaring at Bear hotly, stalked off. Bear sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He knew it was his job to take on violent and self-destructive teens, but somehow it hadn't seemed this…challenging in school.

He walked after the two girls, to see that they made it back to the main area of Hogwarts okay and weren't too broken up over the refused visit.

He didn't notice the three other seventh years in the room peering after him curiously, or the pale blond unfolding his legs and walking over to pick up the redhead's forgotten journal.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm so tired of letting them down. I just keep letting people…down

My father and Percy died in the final attack on the Ministry, before the Death Eater stronghold was raided and Harry killed Voldemort. I never got to tell my father goodbye and I hadn't spoken to Percy in nearly two years and then they…were gone.

I wonder what my father would think of me now. I wonder how badly I've let him down.

My mother hasn't been well since and the twins are once again at home, trying to care for her. I'm sure the news that I'm 'disturbed' didn't help her situation any. Harry's gone and I couldn't do anything but stare numbly while he died. I couldn't even begin to save him.

…I don't want to let anyone else down. God, I can't let them see like this. All…bandaged up and crazy and writing with safety quills on rounded off paper…

I wish I'd just died.

They should have just let me die.

Why couldn't they just let me let go? I'm not sure how much longer I can do this; hold all of this together in my head. Everyone around me is picking up and moving on and I'm still…stuck in the same place I've been for months. I can't move on and I can't let go and I don't understand how anyone else could.

I don't know how Hermione can accept Harry's death and continue on, I don't know how the world is still turning with so many people I knew gone.

I can't understand why I'm the only one who has stopped.

0000000000000000000000

Moon: I love writing Ron when he's dysfunctional, which is probably why he's always a little nuts when I write…but, anyway, I'm glad you like it.

Mechante: Yeah…another ten or so days and I'm free! And then I'll be allowed on my computer whenever I want. I was actually planning on being a teacher, either English or Social Studies, but if that falls through I was thinking child psychology… So we'll see.

Crazy Loon: I don't mind rambling, it just means you're thinking about things and I love the idea of making people try to puzzle things out. Your assessment of Seamus is very accurate. He locked memories away until he eventually had to lock away 'Seamus' to keep up with all of the things he's phased out of his mind and it's changed who he is.

Okay then folks…review please. Makes the Author all warm and fuzzy inside.