Chapter Five

Buffy was scrounging through her kitchen cabinets for something that could pass as food when she was finished making it. In the midst of moving a box of rice Buffy heard the front door close. "Hey Dawnie," she heard Xander welcome.

"Hey everyone, we still racking our brains over the three amigos?" Dawn asked. She was wearing a pink, vertical striped shirt with grey bootcut pants. A black backpack was slung over her shoulder.

"Nothing to worry your teenage adolescent head about," Anya assured her.

"I happen to me much older than you."

"That excuse wears thin," Buffy said as she walked down the hall. She gave her sister a big hug. "So, how was Janice's?"

"Full of gossip, makeovers and midnight ice cream binges."

"Midnight?"

"Oh come on you were sneaking out of the house when you were my age. All I'm doing is staying up."

"Yes but I had a calling."

"Me too. You should've heard the mint chocolate chip calling my name. 'Dawn.' 'Dawn,'" she said with an airy voice.

"Anyone else go to a scary visual place?" Buffy asked, raising her hand. Xander, Willow and Tara copied her motion.

"What are we voting on?" Giles asked when he walked in.

"Who's hungry," Xander suggested, not wanting to bring back the visual.

Anya raised her hand, "That includes me."

"I'm working on it," Buffy assured with a smile. She turned and went into the kitchen, running her fingers through her hair.

Dawn followed her and sat down on a barstool. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Buffy rummaged through the rest of the cabinets coming up with a bag of Ramen and a box of wild rice. "Pizza." She approached the phone and dialed the pizza place; number three on speed dial. One was Giles and two was the hospital. One might ask why the hospital wasn't first but if they really knew her then they'd know she needs Giles more than medical attention. "Yes, hi, I would like to order a large cheese pizza please."

Giles walked in the kitchen with his determination face on. "Buffy I would like to talk further about this Spike incident…s."

"There was a Spike incident?" Dawn asked, her eyes gleaming with gossip.

"And one time machine to transport me back fifteen minutes… No time machines? Well I guess I'll just have the pizza then… Thank you." Buffy hung up the phone. "Dawn, go upstairs."

"What's the Spike incident?" she asked with excitement. "He wasn't ashed was he?" her voice changing to worry.

"Not yet," Giles said, looking at Buffy.

"Don't give me that look," Buffy begged. "Go upstairs," she reminded Dawn.

"But I want-"

"I know, but you can't. Now go."

Dawn looked at Giles and then back to Buffy. "Fine. But if he kills you I'm taking your leather coat." Begrudgingly she went upstairs to her room.

"Was that really necessary? My sister was in the room," Buffy yelled in a whisper.

"How could you not have told me you slept with Spike?" he sharply replied.

"I'm sorry, I temporarily forgot my manners because I usually tell my Watcher about all the people I've slept with- not that it's a big list!"

"Why are you whispering?" Anya asked from the doorway between the kitchen and the hallway. Xander, Willow and Tara arose from their spots in the living room and walked through to where the conversation was stirring. Buffy and Giles looked at them like nothing was wrong.

"We weren't-"

"It was just a discussion-"

"About Slayer stuff," Buffy finished.

Xander nodded, understanding she didn't feel like talking at the moment, and returned to the dent in the couch with his name on it. Tara pursed her lips and turned the other way. Willow grabbed her hand and followed her back in the living room.

Giles and Buffy looked at Anya, waiting for her to leave. She caught on and said, "I'm hungry. Have we figured out the food situation?"

"Yea we're getting pizza in twenty minutes."

"Okay," she said with a smile. Anya stood there waiting for them to commence their discussion.

"Is that all Anya?" Giles asked.

"You can continue your hushed argument. I won't interrupt."

"Anya," Buffy said, using a tone that would hopefully hint to her to leave. Anya rolled her eyes and returned to the yellow couch.

"You slept with Spike," Giles repeated.

"Broken record much?"

"Well I'm sorry Buffy but I'm having trouble figuring out why sleeping with a soulless vampire seemed like a good idea."

"It just happened. It's not like I planned it!" she started yelling.

Suddenly the back door opened and a body with a blanket over it came inside. Smoke was billowing from their form. With little effort they rolled the blanket off their shoulders.

"Spike," Giles said with disgust.

Everyone jumped from their seats and ran back into the kitchen.

"Oh great. Tall, blonde and not so scary's here," Xander observed.

"I really hate you," Spike informed him.

"What do you want Spike?" Giles moved towards him, his glasses in his hand.

Spike looked at him like this was a joke. "We become the big man Watcher?" Giles kept glaring at him. "We need to talk," he said in Buffy's direction.

Buffy looked at everyone to see their reactions. They gaped at her, wondering what she was going to say. "Sure," she said politely. "Let's go upstairs." She went through the hallway without glancing back. Spike weaved his way past everyone and followed her close behind. She stopped at her door, "Wait here." Spike nodded and listened to her order. Buffy walked down the hallway and opened Dawn's door. She was writing in her new diary. "Go downstairs."

"You just made me come upstairs."

"And now I'm making you go downstairs."

"Well I won't. This is my room and therefore my property."

"Okay then you can start paying for it."

Dawn quickly dropped her pen and rose from her bed. She shuffled past Buffy and descended the stairs.

Buffy returned to her room where Spike was waiting, browsing through her things. "I didn't give you an all access pass."

Spike glanced over at her and smiled. "Sorry pet."

"What's up?" she asked, taking Mr. Gordo and putting him in the closet.

"I haven't told you where I've been."

Buffy folded her arms, thinking it would prepare her for what was about to come out of his mouth. "True."

Spike took a couple steps toward her, finding a little comfort in the fact that she didn't back away. "After that mornin', when ya told me you were-"

Buffy held her hand up, not wanting to hear the harsh words she spoke. It tore her up inside looking back on it and she wished she would've at least some sympathy. "I know what I said," she said softly, holding back emotion.

"Well, that night I went half way across the world to get what I was missing. The piece of the puzzle that Angel had and I didn't."

Buffy's jaw became tense and her eyes increased in size. They started to coat in tears, she assumed from shock. Her arms fell from around her upper body and now hung at her sides. She looked at his chest when she spoke gently, "Your soul?"

Spike nodded. "I went through trials. Turns out you can't get your soul back easily when you want it."

Buffy started to back up as if he turned into a completely different person. Spike's eyes were darting from point to point, taking in the fact that she was moving away from him. "You have your soul." She made contact with her white, closet doors.

"Yea." Spike surprisingly remained still. He wanted to go comfort her but he was the thing she was afraid of.

"Why?"

"Because I love you Buffy. And I thought 'bout what I could've done differently. Thought of you and Angel. I'm already better lookin' than him and a lot smarter. But I didn't have a soul. So-"

"So you went and fought for your soul because you thought I would love you. If you had a soul."

"Well what else is there?" he asked her. "Tell me Buffy. What do I have to do to prove that I love you?"

"I know you love me."

"Well the fact that you don't love me is complete bullocks. You have to feel somethin'." Spike was begging her to say it. Or anything to show she cared.

"I feel for you. But it's not love."

"Bullocks!" he yelled. "How can you say that? I have done everythin' I could for you."

"I'm sorry," Buffy said, turning her head from him.

"No your not." Buffy inhaled deeply, Spike's words driving into her skull and beating on her chest. "Guess the only way to get your attention is treatin' ya badly. Mustn't love ya enough then. 'Cause I won't hurt you Buffy. Ever." With that Spike left her room and ran out the front door without his blanket.

Buffy's eyes swelled with tears that escaped and rolled down her cheek. She started to cry as she fell to the floor.

Willow slowly made her way up the stairs, everyone watching her. She walked to Buffy's door and quietly approached her. "Buffy?"

Buffy looked up at Willow, her face all red and stained with mascara. Willow ran to her and kneeled down. "Did he hurt you?" she asked, putting her hand on Buffy's face.

Buffy's bottom jaw began to quiver and her stare remained on the floor. "No," she replied.

"Buffy what's going on?" she brushed her friend's hair from her face; it was the only thing she could think of to do to help. Buffy wiped her eyes, not wanting to remember why she was crying. "Buffy," Willow implored.

Buffy took a deep breath before revealing her secret. "I slept with Spike."

Willow froze. Her mouth dropped but quickly closed. She didn't want to make her feel worse and she could tell it was hard for her to make out the words. "When? Not that I have to know," she assured her.

"The night before you crashed the car and Dawn broke her arm."

Willow's mind went back to that moment. She felt terrible for what she'd done. She put her best friend's sister in danger and almost killed her. "Was that the only time?" she asked, taking her mind off the past.

"No."

"Okay." This was obviously rubbing Willow the wrong way.

"I'm sorry," Buffy apologized.

"No," Willow insisted. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You were just feeling vulnerable and everything after the whole resurrecting thing and he took advantage of you."

"No he didn't," Buffy said with frustration. She knew everyone would play her the victim but the truth was that she needed him. She needed the feeling he gave her and the sex just happened to be a perk. "I slept with him too. I wanted to."

"But Buffy, he doesn't have a soul."

"Yes he does." This news blew Willow completely out of the water. She gets back with her girlfriend and so many things change. Buffy's sleeping with Spike, Spike get a soul, Xander's starting to like anchovies. The world was flipped upside down. "I told him I didn't love him and he left to get his soul."

"Do you love him?" Willow asked. That would be the icing on the extremely fucked up cake.

"No," she said quickly. They remained in silence for a minute. "I don't know," she corrected.