Authors Note: Thanks to my wonderful readers, you really do keep me going!

And thanks especially to Scarlett, my beta reader. Couldn't have gotten this far with out you!

Cerise got up from the bed at the knock on the door and moved over to it , removing the desert eagle from her bag. She left the chain on the door, and opened it as far as it would open. What met her was Sands and El, with three little girls.

"Hi ya Cherry." Sands gave her a grin.

Cerise shut the door with a groan and unlocked it completely, moving away so that they could come in . She put her pistol back in her bag as Sands and El came in with the girls. "What is this, Sheldon?"

"I thought we could adopt," Sands said with a grin.

"Seriously."

"Seriously, we rescued them," Sands replied.

"From what?"

"A grease ball that would have sold them for sex." The younger two children began crying and Maria gasped.

Cerise looked at them. They were covered in bruises and cuts and looked under fed.

"No, no! Please!" Maria cried.

Cerise moved over to the girls and knelt in front of Maria., "No, it's all right, luv. You're safe now," Cerise said softly, touching the girl's face. "What are you names?" "Maria, Nina and Suelita." Maria answered, looking at her sisters.

"Are your hungry?" Cerise asked them.

Maria looked at the other girls, then back at Cerise. "Yes..." she whispered. Cerise nodded and stood, moving over to El and Sands.

"I'll go get some food," El said softly.

"Good idea," Sands said sarcastically. Cerise gave El a sympathetic look and El nodded, heading for the door.

Cerise turned to watch the girls climb into the middle of the bed. "Are you a mother?" Nina asked, looking at the teddy bear in Cerise's bag.

Cerise smiled wearily. "Yes, I have a little daughter, Lily,." Cerise answered, the girl giving her a big smile. "Where are you parents?"

"Dead,." Sands answered. Cerise looked at him. "Last month, the coup de grace."

Cerise sighed. "I see. What's your plan, Sheldon?"

"I'm going to try and get a hold of Juan. He can help them." Cerise smiled slightly, going over to a chair. Sands crossed over to the phone and dialed a number. Cerise sat, watching the girls, who curled up together at the head of the bed, as she half listened to Sands talking to Father Juan.

The girls huddled together, the youngest between them and Cerise had to turn away, running the back of her hand over her cheek. She couldn't help but think about Lily and pray she was all right. God, she just wanted her back! How Rick could do this to her, to them?!

"Juan says he'll be here as soon as he can," Sands told her, bringing her out of her thoughts.

"Alright," Cerise answered. She got up, walking over to the balcony and going outside into the evening air. She heard Sands follow and close the balcony door.

"Cherry..."

"I just... I'm tired Sheldon." He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She leaned back against him. "And I... Shelly, she's out there, and I want her safe!"

Sands sighed, holding her tight, resting his chin on the top of her head.

After a moment of silence, he turned her around, taking her hands. "There's a reason I left this evening."

"Yes, you said you had some errands to run," Cerise said dryly.

"Well only one," Sands replied with a grin. He took something off his finger, and took her left hand. Without a word, he slipped the ring on her finger.

Cerise gasped. "How... where did you get this?!" She looked at him wide eyed.

He gave her a sheepish grin. "I took it... that night... when you put it up, because you didn't want anything to do with it any more... I stole it."

"You stole it..." She sighed.

"You know I hate it when we argue," Sands muttered.

"Even then."

"I only put up the ring because I was annoyed with you," Cerise muttered.

"Well, I didn't think you were annoyed with me anymore," Sands replied. Cerise looked down at the ring, considering what it had once meant. "That is, if you really do still wanna marry me,." Sands mumbled.

She rolled her eyes. "Of course I still want to marry you."

"Then I've given you back your engagement ring." He kissed her ear. She leaned on him, her arms wrapped around his neck.

El came back with some food and the girls dove in. Sands leaned against the balcony railing, lighting a cigarette. Cerise was sitting in one of the two chairs on the balcony, watching the girls with El. She had to admit, he had a way with kids. He must have been a good father. She glanced at Sands, who was listening to the sounds of the street as night set in.

He exhaled the smoke slowly, savoring it a moment. He could feel Cerise looking at him and turned slightly on the railing to face her. "What's up, Cherry?"

"I'm just thinking."

"About?"

"All of this. I really am getting out of the CIA... I figure I can put my teaching degree to use," she said softly.

Sands smirked slightly. "Well, you've always wanted to teach kindergarten," he recalled softly.

"It would give me a better chance at keeping Lily safe."

"What, you don't trust me to keep her safe?" he baited, with a slight smile. But Cerise knew him well enough. He also wanted to know the truth. She got up, crossing over to him and running her fingers over his cheek. He turned his head enough, to kiss the palm of her hand.

"I trust you with her life, Shelly. I trust you with mine," she whispered. He rested a hand on her waist.

"You know you'll never have to look over your shoulder," he said.

"But do you trust me?" she asked him.

Sands froze. He turned his face to her, mouth parted slightly. "I..." he started to answer, but paused, torn in half. Part of him trusted her with everything, the other part told him never to trust anyone, with anything.

Cerise sighed silently, then leaned forward and kissed him tenderly. "In due time," she whispered. Sands sighed.

"I was thinking," she said, changing the subject. "I've still got a few... 'friends' in the Agency, and we could use some 'supplies.' What if I make arrangements for a dead drop?"

Sands thought on this a moment. "Yeah... could be useful. Do that."

"Right. Make up a list of what you think we could use and I'll get on the line," she said, watching a car pass below. "What about those pages, Sheldon?" "Do you still have them?" He asked. "Yes." "Good, hide them. We'll do something with them later." He answered. Cerise nodded.

They fell silent again for a moment, then Sands asked, "What ever happened to our ghoul, Roger?"

"Um..." Cerise pinched the bridge of her nose. "He retired, about... two years ago, why?"

"Just wondering. I don't know... this whole business has got me thinking about our team," he told her.

She laughed softly. "It was quiet a team," she said.

"True, at least you never worked as a swallow."

"I wouldn't have been able to pull it off," she answered. "Mac is far better at it then me." Sands grinned broadly at the thought and Cerise eyed him. "I dont' even wanna know about that grin," She said.

He turned his face to the sky as a cool breeze blew over them. "Fifteen years I worked for the Company, and now this shit." He sighed.

Cerise leaned against him. "You have to admit, Sheldon, you were one hell of a controller when it came down to it."

He grinned widely. "I was one of the best, thank you."

She laughed softly. "Yes, you ARE." She kissed his cheek and left his side, going back inside the hotel room.

Sands waited until he heard the click of the door closing before he moved over to the two chairs and little table. Now that he was alone, he had time to let it all sink in.

His fingers were already digging the little pocketknife out of his pocket and he pulled up his right sleeve. He couldn't get rid of the frustration, regret and general depression that kept sneaking up on him. He couldn't shake the feeling that he'd let them down. Let Cerise and Lily both down from the very beginning. From the alley way, till now. So he began cutting, with out any thought. He needed the distraction and it was a welcome one. He didn't even stop when he heard the door open and close again, or her sigh.

Cerise moved over to the other chair and sat down, watching him. When she reached over and took the hand that was resting on the table, Sands stopped cutting. He put the pocketknife down on the table slowly, but didn't turn his head towards her yet. "You want to tell me what that was all about?" She asked softly.

"Mm, not really," Sands replied, but the thumb of his hand stroked her fingers lightly as she held his hand.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," she whispered.

"It's what I do, Sweets. You know that by now. We've had this conversation before!" His tone was a bit harder then it had been before and Cerise sighed, knowing he was right. They had had this conversation before.

They were on a solo operation, the rest of the team back in the States. Set up in a safe house in Prague, they'd had a disastrous argument that night..

"Oh you are a cold hearted bastard!" Cerise cried, tears running down her cheeks. "You lock yourself off from everyone! You don't give a damn about anyone's feelings!"

"You know WHY?! You know WHY I lock myself off?!" Sands shouted back. Why was he shouting?! He never shouted when he was angry! When Sheldon Jeffrey Sands was pissed off, his voice was very soft and very calm. So WHY was he shouting?!

"Why?!" she demanded, wiping her cheeks off and glaring.

"Because I can't stand emotional fuck wits, like you!" Sands replied with a snap.

He stumbled back from the crack, as her hand struck him across the face. He blinked, staring at her in surprise. Her small frame shaking. With out another word, she turned on her heel and stormed down the hall towards the other room. Sands stood there for a long moment, anger bubbling deep within him. What the hell had they been fighting about anyway?!

Then it dawned on him. They'd woken up in bed together. They gotten so incredibly drunk, that Cerise didn't' remember the events between the third bottle of champagne and waking up nude and tangled in his arms. He hadn't been wearing any clothes himself. He wasn't positively sure if they'd done what he thought they did, but he did remember having some serious make-out time with her. And he had to admit that, he liked the way she tasted. So chances were, they probably did have sex.

He sighed and headed for the balcony, grabbing a bottle of scotch and a pack of cigarettes. He lit a cigarette and pulled the cork out of the bottle, taking a long swig from it. Now he was pissed at himself. As much as he hated to admit it, and he hated to admit it a lot, he knew how fragile Cerise was. Hell of a contradiction. She was a good officer, knew how to get the job done right, but she was fragile. Her emotions were always in a state of overload. He really did hate it when he was the cause of her emotional turmoil. Since she'd become his partner, she was one of the very, very few who had gotten past his walls. And he liked her, a lot. Hell, he probably even loved her, but didn't want to admit it.

Sands pulled the butterfly knife from his pocket and flipped it open. It'd been a few months since he'd done what he was about to do, but he felt the great need to do it right now, and he didn't feel like denying himself the pleasure. Or pain, however you wanted to look at it. Taking another long pull of scotch, he began cutting at his left arm, near his elbow. He heard her coming out on the balcony. Heard her gasp. "Go away, Cherry. You shouldn't have to see this."

She didn't move for a long time. Finally she spoke. "Tell me one thing." Her voice was soft, strained. " Tell me why?"

Sands frowned. God, he hated that question in relation to his cutting.

"Doesn't matter why," he answered. He stopped cutting and turned to look at her, flexing his fingers to get the blood flowing. She stared back at him, straight into his eyes. He loved the color of her eyes. "This is something I do Cerise, get used to it," he said simply. "No one's going to change it."

"Do you know why I cut?"

Sands brought her attentions from her thoughts and she turned back to him. "Why?" she asked softly.

He sighed. "Because it's an escape. From the pain, the frustration, the depression... the guilt." He heard the door open again and Cerise watched El come out on to the balcony. But Sands didn't' stop talking like she had expected him to. "I cut, to remind me I'm still human."

"How can you still be human when you kill mercilessly?" El questioned from his spot. Sands felt the great need to roll his eyes, but proceeded to flip El off.

He got up from his chair, moving towards El. "You don't get it, do you?!" El glared. "I wouldn't expect you to."

"The things you've done are a crime!" El stated. "Better men have been put away from far less crimes, yet you're still wandering free."

"Oh yes, I'm still wandering free," Sands bit back. "You know WHY?!"

"Why?"

"Because I have a license to kill! Yep, ol' El. I get PAID to do it. The CIA pays me to do what I do. I do it well."

"How can anyone pay someone to kill?"

"Because that's what they do! That's the thing, El, that's what the CIA does. All that bullshit about a few good men... they don't turn out good men, El. They look for those who are willing to kill. Those who don't mind killing. Who WANT to kill. They take those people and they train us, they hone that skill. They turn us into what they want us to be. Machines. Mind you, not everyone turns out that way," Sands pointed to Cerise. "But the rest of us. The rest of us are willing to do WHATEVER it takes, to lie, deal, steal, and kill." El stared at him, searching for the right words. "Willing to lose everything." Sands hissed, one fist was clenching. "Their careers, their lives, their family, for the good of the mission."

Without another word, Sands turned around and went back over to his chair, flopping down. He lit another cigarette and exhaled slowly, taking the cigarette from his lips. "There for, I cut to remind me that I can still, at least, bleed," he said, letting silence settle.