I Loved You Once in Silence or Not Wisely, But Too Well

by Saber Girl Leia

Because this category suffers from a lack of Novinha.

Why am I fascinated by these tormented women who had horrible childhoods and probably would be very hard to get along with? Uh... remind me to get back to you on that one, once I figure it out myself... lol.

The title is from Camelot and Othello, although it doesn't entirely go with this.

MAJOR SPOILERS for Speaker for the Dead and Xenocide. Don't read this if you haven't read them. You probably won't understand it and it will give a lot away.

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I love him. I need him. I want him. I can't have him. Oh, Andrew, come to me. I love him more than I knew it was possible to love, though I will never say so out loud.

...but did I not say the same of Libo? And mean it? And is it not still true that I loved him as well then as I love Andrew now?

Oh, God, does this then make me more a sinner than I thought I was? I love two men, though one is dead... No, that is not what I mean, I love Andrew, only Andrew, now, always Andrew...

And I have run from him.

If Libo lived still, I would never have married Andrew, wouldn't I? Am I glad that Libo is dead? I have evil, impure thoughts. Everyone dies. Andrew mustn't die! Why do I love him? It will kill him...

No! I am at peace. I must be at peace/

Is it defiling Libo's memory to love my husband? Does he look down from heaven and despise me? Or regret what we had?

Oh, God, in you I trust. Please send my doubts away.

Come, Andrew, come! Show me that there is good even in those that have the greatest sin.

Did I love Libo less, to not acknowledge our love to the world? Or more, to attempt, however futile, to save his life?

Oh, would I had known Andrew as a child, grown next to him and we'd been married from the first.

What of my children then?

And... Marcos?

I hated him, yet... I... almost, maybe just a little loved him. A sympathetic, understand-your-pain sort of love. Not a wifely love. Did I damn him, turn him violent, by trying to help him too?

Why do I destroy everyone? I don't deserve Andrew and it will serve me right if he never comes to join me here! But I need him. Now and forever. I want him all completely, once again my husband. But I must not touch him, this have I sworn to God.

And yet I cannot sleep long without his warmth beside me. Nor can I trust myself to think without his guidance.

When I am dead, if God lets me, unworthy as I am, into His kingdom, who must I love then? Who will be my husband?

Quim, Estavão, my son; Mama, Papa, help me. Help your undeserving child. Carry my poor prayer to heaven.

And please, oh Andrew, Ender, Speaker, husband, come! Come and let me see the world through your eyes, in which every sinner, even me, is good and loved.

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Review, please! Constructive criticism appreciated!