Disclaimer: I don't own Firefly... sigh If only, if only...
Summary: Post OiS. River usually listens to the crew's dreams. But tonight, no one's asleep to dream for her.
Author's note The last two times I've tried to edit this fic, it's come up all wonky and condensed into one long-ass paragraph. Lemme know if it's still messed up.
Making the rounds. That's how she thought of the almost nightly trips she made around Serenity, listening at the crew's keyholes. Sometimes she just liked to see their dreams, watch the funny little movies playing in their sleep. Kaylee's were always especially pretty, ripe with vivid colors and drenched with life.
But tonight, there weren't any dreams for River to watch. Not the usual kind, anyway. These were waking dreams, fantasies controlled, not random and willy-nilly.
She always went to Simon's room first, because it was geographically convenient. His dreams were usually fretful, filled with concern for her. Tonight, it took her a moment to hear anything coming from his room.
River felt her brother's presence, sitting on his bed, thinking about Osiris. His memories flashed from med school, to his internship, then took a turn to him, nude, drunk, singing on top of a statue. River made a face, decided she didn't want to watch his memories tonight. A pang of sadness hit her, momentarily, as she remembered it was her fault he couldn't have that life anymore.
She sighed, and gracefully glided past Shepherd Book's room. His dreams, whether waking or sleeping, were obscure and confusing, even to River. She caught a passing glimpse in her mind of Book holding a shotgun, firing.
As her routine dictated, she next crept towards Jayne's room. She had long found herself morbidly fascinated with the largest one's dreams. So crude, violent, sexual. There was little difference between Jayne's waking and sleeping thoughts. She'd listened to his thoughts on Kaylee, Inara, Zoe, herself, and even once Mal, trying to comprehend him.
She'd long ago given up on understanding Jayne, possibly because there was so little to understand, and she'd been trying to draw water from an empty well. More often than not, River just tried to understand what it would be like to feel the intimacy Jayne so frequently thought on. Tonight, Jayne was thinking of the captain's wife, and fantasized about what he would have done if she'd been wed to him.
The intimate kinds of dreams that Jayne usually had were a common link between the crew. Inara's came next on River's rounds, her soft sensuality to balance Jayne's brash thoughts. Passing Inara's shuttle usually overwhelmed River with a feeling of calm, relaxation flooding her. Tonight, Inara, like the rest of the crew, was different.
Inara dwelled on the Heart of Gold, an image of Mal coming out of Nandi's room, then one of Inara, huddled and weeping on a floor.
Inara's sadness swamped River, engulfing her. She was drowning in it. She wanted to reach out and comfort the older woman inside the shuttle, but she didn't know how. When she opened her mouth, all the wrong words came out, in all the wrong configurations. It wasn't logical. None of it made sense. She'd be sad when Inara left.
Next came Wash and Zoe, neither of whom was asleep. Neither of whom knew the other was awake. Zoe's thoughts always made River feel like an intruder, like a trespasser on holy ground. What was nestled beneath Zoe's exterior didn't seem right, compared to the shotgun-toting first mate the other crew members saw.
Tonight, Zoe's mind rested on Wash. She remembered past conversations with him about having children, the arguments regarding the safety of a potential child. River felt Zoe smile as she rubbed her belly, eager to meet the child growing within.
Wash's thoughts were startlingly different from those of his wife. They usually involved dinosaurs, and this fantasy was no exception. Wash was imagining himself riding on the back of a great winged dinosaur, swooping over treetops on Earth-That-Was.
That was another thing Wash dreamt of frequently. He wanted desperately to know what Earth-That-Was had been like, those many many years ago. Wanted to know how people lived before they could zip around the galaxy in spaceships. He couldn't even begin to imagine what life would have been like, not being a pilot. He'd always looked to the sky to save him, and that's what it had done.
River quickly tired of Wash's dinosaur and moved next to Kaylee's room. Some level of guilt always affected River when she listened to dreams, because she was intruding on something private. But for some reason, Kaylee's dreams, while the most beautiful, made River mourn inside.
Kaylee just wanted to be loved. By Simon, especially. This had become especially apparent in recent weeks, with Kaylee dropping hints to him left and right, and Simon never picking up on even one of them. He wanted to, River knew that much, but he felt he had an obligation to his sister first and foremost.
River wanted to disappear sometimes, just to be out of Simon's way, and Kaylee could be happy like she deserved. River briefly watched Kaylee's dream, in which she and Simon were eating strawberries in the engine room, before she moved on to Mal's room, her personal favorite to watch.
Tonight, Mal seemed to be the ship's only sleeping occupant. Like last night, and the night before, he was dreaming of Serenity. River loved it when he dreamt of Serenity, because she knew he loved the ship as much as a man could love anything, and the love he felt was practically tangible, radiating from him.
It was the closest she'd ever felt to being in love, experiencing Mal's dreams.
River rolled over in her bed, and her eyes fluttered open, a slow smile lighting her face.